circa

I'm really going between having the surgery and not having the surgery. I mean, is it really going to benefit me? Do I want to go this route, or do I want to do it the way I always could before? I don't know. I have no clue what I really want to do. Do I need the surgery? No, I don't NEED it. I'm tired of the anxiety that this is creating - not the problems - that's not bothering me, just the anxiety that the thought of having this surgery is giving me. I don't know that its right for me, I really don't. If it bothers me to even tell my husband about it, can it really be right? I know that eventually, I will get my energy back. I know I'll be able to work very very hard and get the weight off. But do I want to wait for that? My big concern is that I don't want my family to see me like I am now. I'm embarrassed of what has happened to me. No, its not all my fault - but yeah, some of it is. I'm tired of the looks and stares - like when I go get a very very healthy smoothie - people look at me like "what's the fat lady doing getting something healthy???" - Someone actually said something once to the person they were with - and I retorted with "I'm sure it probably does make you feel better to pick on someone who's fatter than you, but how does it make you feel to pick on someone that has a dehabilitating disease that is treated with medications that make it nearly impossible to get out of bed because of the painful side effects and the enormous amount of weight gain caused by it - not to mention the chemo-like IV treatments - yeah. Are you on your way to the cancer ward now to laugh at the bald kids?" I thought the person was going to start to cry - GOOD - maybe next time they'll think twice.

So my psych eval is scheduled for next Friday. I'm actually kinda stoked to go to one of these. I've never had anything like that done. I mean, I went to a counselor as a kid when my parents got divorced because my mother made me go - which sucked - I didn't have anything to talk about She thought I was all Emo and I wasn't. I didn't like her, I had nothing to say to the shrink and that was about it. So she tried to put me in drug rehab - I'd never touched a drug in my life - meanwhile, my sister is smoking pot, getting drunk and dropping acid IN THE HOUSE and my mother is oblvious to it lol. Anyway - enough about my goofy childhood. I'm looking forward to the psych eval. My advocate is a hoot - she's just hilarious. She was giving me some questions that get asked - about my history - the fact that I'm divorced (I'm remarried now). Family life, blah blah blah. Anyway - She said they'll ask me about the fact that a doctor put me on anti depressants and the fact that I did take them - I took them under protest, went to see a new doctor (my current one) was diagnosed with a genetic liver disorder (doesn't affect the surgery - already checked! :confused: ) and taken off the anti-depressants because I didn't need them. All they did was make me an insomniac zombie and that was at a very low dose! I tell ya, there's people in my family that are on anti depressants that, they have worked absolute wonders for. But I'm not one that needs them. I went to about 15 doctors that told me that I was depressed and that's why I was having all these symptoms. I swear they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical companies! Then again, some doctors I believe, are past their prime and need to retire as well. Blah anyway. I have a whole laundry list of complaints about doctors and an even longer list of some amazing doctors I've known throughout my life. Here's hoping my newest one is going on the amazing list!