redhighheels

I've told myself a million times I would never have bariatric surgery. I work in a hospital that does the procedures, I admit the patients have the surgery. I thought they were taking the easy way out, it's cheating. I lost 50 lbs on Weight Watchers, and going to the gym religioulsy. My mom passed away unexpectedly and my boyfriend was diagnosed with kidney failure all in the same week, right before Christmas 2010. I was beyond devestated, I know why people drink or take drugs. If you can have 1 minute of peace or semblence of your old life you would do anything to escape. I was afraid to drink, I may not stop. So I ate pretty much whatever I wanted. I never considerd myself a emotional eater, I still don't. As my clothes no longer started to fit, I bought yoga pants. This has been my staple wardrobe for the last 4 years. I didn't care how I looked anyway. Slowly the inablity to sit on low furniture became a problem, my knees hurt going up stairs. We went to Disney World Orlando in January of this year, I could barely fit into some of the rides. And then the worst part, I have sleep apnea! My grandmother was diagnosed with sleep apnea in her late 70's, im 45!!! I tried going back to WW, it's not so easy this time around. It was'nt easy 5 years ago either I really had to work at losing the weight. I didn't have the challenges I have now, I currently weigh 245 lbs. I have never weighed this much. And what a difference in my body and not for the good. Now that im a little more clearhead, i am so angry at what I have done to myself. But also for what I am doing to my loved ones, they couldn't bear another loss so soon. I decided to have Gastric Bypas, this is because in my experience, its what seems to work the best. Im not telling anyone, not my family not even my very best friend. I guess im maybe ashamed, letting everyone down. Maybe im wrong and they would support my decision. My best friend, that may change the relationship. We woman don't want our friends to be prettier than us or skinnier bottem line end of story. No matter how close or how long we have been friends, subconciously we are all competitive. Im not worried about my relationship with my boyfriend or the emotions that come after a huge weightloss that may affect some people. I just want to walk upstairs without my knees killing me and to get that stupid face mask off in order to stay breathing during sleep. And because I need a break, something to give me an advantage. I have been struggling with grief and the aftermath of a parents death. Im just waiting for a phone call from the bari clinic.

Im in the very begining stages of figuring this whole thing out. I am not telling anyone, not my family not my friends. The only one who knows is my boyfriend, and thats because hes going to be the one taking me home. I know my family won't be thrilled, my mom died a few years ago and a elective surgery especially this? What if something happens? My best friend of 25 years will not be happy for me, if anything it could drive a wedge in our friendship. I will deal with questions when the time comes. Im not going to give answers, it's my business. It was a hard decision to do this and I don't want to have to justify why I decided to do it.