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I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing.
 
My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck.
 
The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming.
 
When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well.
 
I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help.
 
If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

I am 12 days post op, but it feels like it was a month ago or more. I've been very tough on myself and my progress so far. The doc says I'm right on track, but I feel defeated and anxious about the future. The Duodenal Switch is hardcore, it requires lots of attention and diligence. Learn from my mistake and realize all these special substances you will need at first, the chewable vitamins to the protein shakes, add up quickly in the cost department.
 
I can only say I am totally looking forward to next Tuesday when I get to have pureed/soft foods. All liquids gets old and I feel for those who have to do that for long periods of time.
 
I've had some shortness of breath, but all tests came back normal, so most likely associated with anxiety. I'm so good at ignoring things that are really bothering me. This whole process is enough to make someone nervous, but I had a death on Monday of a dear friend and mentor that I can only deal with in small moments. Although she had battled Ovarian Cancer for many years, and had fought the good fight, it's still not an easy thing to accept.
 
I'm sure there will be many more things that I encounter along the way. The important thing is to remain moving forward, deal with what I can and take my time with the rest. I'm living my life, my life isn't living me.
 
It feels like ages ago, but just 12 days ago I woke up from major surgery. I wish I could give myself a cookie!

What a ride I have been on for the past 5 days. I flew from Lubbock to Dallas on Monday afternoon. I met up with my parents there and we stayed the night in a hotel. I checked in the next morning at 6:45am, and it took til nearly 11:30am for them to get me into surgery.
 
Let me tell you the staff at Doctor's Hospital in Dallas Texas is world class. They were very attentive and encouraging. They were friendly but stern when I needed it.
 
From the ready room to my final hospital room I remember nothing. Nothing of the surgery at all. My anesthesiologist is a miracle worker. I had told him before the surgery of my last experience where I had woken up still intubated, and he did better than that. He made is so I wouldn't remember any of that or anything following that either. I woke up in my room where I spent the next few days recovering. With as much pain as I was in when I first woke up, I can honestly say the whole experience was wonderful. I felt constantly supported, I never felt alone. Of course my parents where there who were amazing cheerleaders as well. My dad had the sleeve last year so he had all kinds of helpful advise and tips. My mom was there to help me when I walked, and just to walk with me which was nice.
 
I'm 3 days post op and feeling great. My incisions are really the only pain, occasionally I feel a gas bubble that's stuck but walking helps alleviate that.
 
I managed to get about half a cup of strained french onion soup in without any nausea. My system is still ridding itself of gas, and I seem to be manufacturing gas a little more than I recall. the empty digestive tract is helping that I'm sure.
 
I know not everyone has this experience but I sure wish they could.
 
If you go into this adventure focused on when you'll get to eat real food then you should rethink your decision. This is a lifestyle change, not a get out of jail free card. If your liquid diet is oh so tough on you now and you keep cheating cause you just can't stand it, then you should rethink your decision. This is no easy task. A good majority of the people I encountered along this journey has had WLS in one way or another, and none of them deserve selfish, self serving people coming across their paths.
 
I look forward to the future. This will be fun!

4th day of all liquids and so far so good. I've had hunger on occasion and just drank more liquid to curb the desire to cheat and eat something solid. I'm looking forward to eating normal food again but I've learned that this is a great training time of how it's gonna be after surgery. Not that I'll be drinking liquids forever but for a time it will be a good go to.
 
I have to thank my new friends I've made here on this site for being a huge encourgment to me. Their stories of success and struggle help paint a more accurate picture of post op life. You can read dozens of blogs and forums but until you've made a few vets your friends you'll be missing out on that special indepth knowledge that only experience can afford.
 
I want to put my whole experience out there, warning to guys this is about to become about ladies stuff. Namely menstruation.
 
So I was worried that I'd start my period just a day or two before surgery and have risk of bleeding out while on the table or worse (ok bleeding out is worse but it's all in how you look at it) them post poning the surgery. Luckily it started early but it's strange. I'm guessing because of the drastic eating change it's affecting my entire system but I'm not sure. The good thing it so far it's the lightest, least painful period I've had in a long time.
 
I have one more day at work before I go on this adventure. I'm blessed to have encredible support from family, friends, a church congregation, and online support friends. I'm grateful to be an inspiration and to be inspired by those around me.

so it's 10 days away... the count down has begun. Tuesday starts the liquid diet for real, although I have been testing things out this last week to see if I like any sugar free, fat free stuff. I'm pumped and terrified!
 
So most of you reading this are on this journey with me, so you've been standing in front of the protein aisle at any number of stores staring at protein levels and prices and flavors and the bars etc. I started to twitch in KMart, although it didn't have much in the way of variety. Then I decided perhaps GNC would be better. Some of those tubs you could fit a small child in. Who eats this stuff on such a regular basis that they need a 6 month supply at a time?
 
In the vitamin aisle I nearly had a nervous breakdown. How many kinds of chewable vitamins do we need? Really?
 
I'm happy and proud to say that I'm all stocked up for at least a month or more. I looked at a number of web sites that specialize in bariatric stuff and it just seems like such a racket. The prices seemed so over inflated. I know they need to make a profit but aren't we already going through enough learning how to work our new digestive tracks? Should we also go broke trying to maintain it?

so it's 10 days away... the count down has begun. Tuesday starts the liquid diet for real, although I have been testing things out this last week to see if I like any sugar free, fat free stuff. I'm pumped and terrified!
 
So most of you reading this are on this journey with me, so you've been standing in front of the protein aisle at any number of stores staring at protein levels and prices and flavors and the bars etc. I started to twitch in KMart, although it didn't have much in the way of variety. Then I decided perhaps GNC would be better. Some of those tubs you could fit a small child in. Who eats this stuff on such a regular basis that they need a 6 month supply at a time?
 
In the vitamin aisle I nearly had a nervous breakdown. How many kinds of chewable vitamins do we need? Really?
 
I'm happy and proud to say that I'm all stocked up for at least a month or more. I looked at a number of web sites that specialize in bariatric stuff and it just seems like such a racket. The prices seemed so over inflated. I know they need to make a profit but aren't we already going through enough learning how to work our new digestive tracks? Should we also go broke trying to maintain it?

So a couple of Saturday's ago I had to go to traffic school. I was not a happy camper. I have had exactly one ticket in the over 34 years I have been driving... a speeding ticket in 1983 coming back from a Barry Manilow concert (and yes I was a party animal in college ). So imagine my surprise when I got a ticket through the mail. My town has invested a lot of money in red light cameras, speed cameras and such. They even have a van that they park unattended in sneaky places. My picture from three angles, not coming to a full stop before making a right on red. $171.00 for the ticket and $185.00 for Defensive Driving School later I found myself sitting in a small conference room at a local hotel I thought had closed, with 15 other folks to take an 8 hour class.
 
So here's what I learned about my weight that Saturday...I am the worlds champion at rationalizing my behavior away. As folks were coming in we were all like "what did YOU do". So I spin a tale of being sick (we had had the flu for 3 days and I was on a ginger ale run), it being really early in the morning (yep, 0525) and there being no one else on the road (true, just look at the picture). And as I told the story for the 3rd time I had my epiphany...I was telling all that extra information to somehow justify that I had indeed broken the law instead of just saying, I ran a red light and owning up to it.
 
I do that All The Time with eating. Have you ever thought (or even told someone):
I really didn't eat lunch, so this pizza is lunch and dinner
I worked out really hard this morning, so this donut is not so bad
I'm starting fresh on Monday, so the Dairy Queen Sunday night is just a last treat
I forgot my lunch, am pressed for time, so of course I had to get the fried fish sandwich through the drive through
 
I could go on but I think you see the pattern. I have developed a great ability to rationalize because it is easier than taking responsibility for my eating actions. Last week, there was a thread in the forums about logging your food intake. I have never been very good at that, because I didn't want to see what reality was...can you say denial. But here's the thing, if I don't get over this mental speed hump, I lessen my chances of having a successful outcome. I go see the NUT for the first time in just over a week and will begin my 3 month supervised weight loss at that time. That doesn't leave much time!
 
So this week I'm going to log everything I eat...in my blog...for realsies! This should be an interesting experiment because my daughter and granddaughter are coming in on Monday and we have the 4th coming up of course so that means I have to fix BBQ Ribs right?

Hey there welcome to my blog. I'm so happy that you have chosen to read a few thoughts that I have about the world. I pray you find this entertaining, enlightening, and encouraging.
 
A little about me. I am 40, just turned the big 40... I don't know how I feel about that quite yet. It seems to have snuck up on me. I am a California native living in West Texas where they could seriously use a mountain or two, if only in the distance.
 
I have always been heavy for as long as I can remember. I've been the chubby child who grew up into the plus sized teen, and then to become the obese woman I am today. I don't know any other life. But I will very soon, in less than 2 weeks to be exact. But I'll get into that more later, that's not what I'm here to discuss with this intro blog.
 
I am a Christian, I know for many of you it has been Christians that have been the most condemning of you for where ever you are in your life. Christians seem to be the harshest critics in most things. I'm not saying all of them, but it's tough to find one that will just accept you where you are. In fact it took people outside a church building to show me what unconditional really meant. And I still fail at it, daily. I fail at it most of all with myself, but certainly others. I've learned to be prejudiced about so many things, and it's a difficult habit to break. I'm gonna confess something right here that I've not told any one;I can't help myself from judging someone I see that is obese, whether they appear larger or smaller than me. I am guilty of having those same judgmental thoughts in regards to how lazy they must be, or how they shouldn't be eating or doing whatever they are eating or doing at that moment.
 
Who am I to judge those people? I don't know them. I haven't a clue where their life has lead them, what health conditions they are plagued with or what mean, awful things they tell themselves that are so much more harsh than what anyone else says to them.
 
Truth is I do know them... I am them. I am everyone of them. I am the person at the donut drive through picking up a dozen for myself or the one in the drive through pick up a double decker bacon cheese burger with a diet coke of course. I am the non exercising, every excuse not to do something or go somewhere just because it might make me sweat. I am the one that avoids sitting in a chair that looks sketchy cause I have broken several in my day. I'm the one that hates flying because the seats are PHYSICALLY painful and the judgmental stares from other passengers can't even compare to the humiliation of having to ask for a seat belt extender or being handed one without asking.
 
I'm not judging them and their behavior, I'm judging myself and those things that remind me of my own short comings.
 
I'm also a judge for those that are considerably thinner. I judge them because I just know the thoughts they have in their head about me. I know they see me as ugly, gross, unworthy of acknowledgment, lazy... scum of the earth. I'm much more harsh on men than women. Although I have had the company and attention of some incredibly handsome guys, but they would never show me off. I was never their arm candy. I wasn't paraded in front of their friends and family. So I judge them all with the darkness in my heart that scares me. I'm not a naturally hateful person.
 
I am no different than anyone else. You may argue that you don't do these things, but we are all carved from the same piece of wood. Your slice may look different, it may have different rings, but in the end, deep down, we all are searching for meaning, purpose and most of all validation that we are important. I feel sorry for younger generations as they grow up in a very visually stimulating, instant gratification, money centric society. They don't know the joy of hanging out on the street with friends just enjoying the day. Bravo to the parents who get their kids to play outside. I digress...
 
Bottom line, I am an evil awful person, who would want to be my friend? I have the most disturbing thoughts about strangers, and even harsher thoughts about people that I call friends. The ironic thing is that the people who know me the best would tell you I am the sweetest, kindest, most generous person they have met... that I am willing to go that extra mile for others, that I'm full of rare wisdom and way too much knowledge.
 
I'm sharing this with you because if you are going to read my blog, then you should know me deep down as I don't want you to waste your time with false ideas about who I am or what I am about. I'm not here to impress anyone, but I hope by sharing my story that I can encourage others that they are not alone, and compared to me they just might be sane!