Ginger Snaps

I had to put my WLS surgery on hold again, because I discovered I have an eating disorder. It is not the two you think of when you think "Eating Disorder" it's closer to Binge Eating Disorder. That is characterized as episodes of emotional overeating, past the point of fullness. .. I'm currently undergoing treatment at Centre Syracuse for my binge eating disorder.
I still know I need WLS but I also know from my research that, having an eating disorder, makes me a very poor candidate for that surgery. That doesn't mean I can't get Binge eating under control, it just might be a little - longer? Which isn't a happy prospect for me as I'm barely walking as it is now with my weight and spinal fusion. I'm in a 6 week program that will supposedly help me decrease my bingeing and focus on the reasons behind why I binge eat emotionally - while teaching me to see food not as comfort or fun or helpful emotionally (subconsciously what I've been thinking) - but as a prescription or medicine I need to keep my body healthy. How to eat in a healthy way while combating what it was that caused me not to eat healthy.
This does NOT mean it will help me lose weight. I've maintained my weight the 3 weeks I've been there. The dietitians /therapists/ psychologists in the program taught me what it was like to "diet" from an evolutionary standpoint - the body doesn't 'get it", doesn't understand that it's supposed to stay at a lower weight. It's made for saving fat not getting rid of it, and they believe that it's normal to binge after periods of intense dieting because that's what your body craves. They also taught me 52% of people do not only not lose weight on diets but gain it back AND THEN SOME. This is something docs dont' want you to know - you really have no alternative if you get to a certain "set point" weight (and your brain can arbitrarily make new "set points" if your weight goes up... but not down unfortunately). WLS is one of the only ways proven in some cases to help you lose weight and keep it off
- this doesn't mean it works for everyone (my research from both sides of the argument - shows about 60% of people do well with weight loss surgery long term) but for me that's a big enough number and 20% (for those that experience serious complications over their lifetime from WLS) is a small enough number for me to do the surgery. I'm not being naiive about it, I know there are serious risks and I could end up gaining all the weight back (and then some)... I saw both sides of the argument for and against WLS and with my health problems they are risks I'm willing to take. I went on websites for WLS (like this one) and many that are against. One of my good friend's mother just died from WLS a couple of months ago. I'm fairly sure she helped contribute to her problems but was it the WLS that did ultimatlely kill her? Yes. I know many who are in the hospital from WLS complications. But then I know those that did great with WLS long term as well. It's a gamble and the sad truth of it is that while there are factors under our control, it's a gamble who will do well and who won't. There just isn't the research into the long term effects yet. But people are still dying every day of obesity related illnesses. So the WLS becomes a necessity for our current epidemic.
Again it's a risk I'm willing to take. But back to Binge Eating Disorder.
I've found through 3 weeks of intense therapy that the causes of an eating disorder are very multifaceted. Some of them for me personally, was my traumatic upbringing, past abuse, the fact I had to "nurture" myself since a young age, and physical concerns (hormones, genetics, back and ankle surgery - physical limitations to exercise), And the program went into the 'addiction' to food caused by increased dopamine in the brain some brains react with high calorie foods. I happened to be that lucky individual in a group that does react that way. I also happen to be part of the 52% of people that actually gain all their weight back AND THEN SOME when I traditional diet (by binge eating - see description above). There's actually has a lot of medical or scientifically based reasons why it feels like I'm "Addicted" to overeating... of course there are ways to treat it. It involves intense emotional therapy, PTSD therapy, and trauma work. It also involves body image work, and individualized talk therapy with different techniques. And a new prespective about how we view food ... no more 'celebrating' with food (hey good job, want a cookie - type thing) etc.
None of this will help me lose weight, it will just help me maintain my weight before and help me to not regain the weight after surgery. WLS is the only thing that is going to actually help me lose the weight - it's up to me to keep it off. Which is why I've enlisted help professionally with my eating disorder. Binge eating disorder is actually more common than Anorexia and Bulimia HOWEVER it is the least treated or talked about because of stigma surrounding it. I think that's very sad.
Trying to 'get it right' the first time, and hopefully only time I need WLS.
3 more weeks in program *whew* I'm ready. Today out sick because of Obesity related issues, Urinary Tract Infection, and Diabetic Skin Rashes. But tomorrow is a new day, and going back to program.

Well what a difference 24 hours makes. As I wrote my last entry I was in pain and feeling bad..that night the pain got worse. The vomiting of blood began and that night was one of the longest I can remember. On Friday, I went to work, yep, I went to work. I carried a small trash can in the car and threw up all the way there. I know, I am an idiot..I knew what I had to get done, then take care of myself. I had called the doctor at 2am and he said to be at his Jax office at 6:30am. I was there. He did a flouroscope and said my band had slipped. He told me to come back at 3pm and let him look at it again. If the stomach went down and back through I would be OK, otherwise...well we would talk about it then. I drove back to work (only a couple of miles) and laid down on my office floor. One hour later, I knew I was in trouble. I drove back to his office (I still don't know how I did that). He took one look and off to the ER I went. Upon my arrival at the ER I proceeded to vomit blood on their floor and almost faint. They started an IV and told me that I was going to have to have emergency surgery but at their hospital on the other side of town. They called an ambulance and my family arrived - I was taken to St. Vincents Hospital Riverside. I was a direct admit. They took Xrays and a CT scan. I met the surgeon and gave his the photos from my doctor. He said he need to stablize me but surgery was going to happen. At 11pm, they wheeled me into surgery. Before I knew it, my 3 year buddy band was gone and I was back in my room. They were able to leave the plication but said that my band had slipped and scar tissue was bad. There was no saving it or putting in another one. He further explained that the scar tissue was so bad that I would feel like my band is still there for a long time and the plication was good and should be all I need to not only maintain what I have lost but to loose the other 30 pounds I want to loose. I sure hope he is right.
 
As I write this, I am home (less than 24 hours in the hospital) and I am so sore..OMG, it didn't hurt like this the first time. I am on a liquids diet and some soft foods. Not really hungry but head hungry (you guys understand that). I am very nervous. I now have a new doctor (local) and someone who will take my journey from here. Gastric Plication is what they call my WLS now..Some say it is good, some not so much..I guess since it is all I have, it will have to do. I pray I don't find that size 22W again.
 
Depression is trying to creep in just a bit but I am fighting that. The pain meds don't work and I feel like crap. But this too shall pass. My stomach is making sounds like "what the hell is going on" and I am sore all over. Fortunately, I am off work next week anyway, so I will have a chance to take care of myself and heal. I am supposed to walk and drink lots of water. What caused my slippage???who knows. The new doctor said that sometimes stuff like that happens but the scar tissue played a big part in it and it would not have healed on it's own. The vomiting of black blood, cramps and pain were the worst I have had since I gave birth to my kids....Please take care of yourselves and don't be foolish like me - get help right away. In retrospect, I should have gone to the hospital Thursday night (our anniversary) but I was stubborn..I could have died. My husband wanted me to go to the hospital that night, but where...when my doctor moved to WPB it upset my applecart and I did not feel secure from that point on. With a new doctor I will now have to build a new relationship but at least he is in Jacksonville. Will I have issues with the plication in the future? I don't know, I guess that is something the new doctor and I will discuss when I see him at his office in a couple of weeks. I do know that I will be going back to Weight Watchers for support as I feel like I am out on a limb all by myself.
 
Take care my band friends and to my plication friends let me know how things are working out for you. I really appreciate this sight and all it has to offer, even if NO ONE reads my blog, I feel refreshed and glad I got it off my chest (so to speak). Have a wonderful Sunday and be good to yourselves.
 
Melinda in Florida

Well, I am sitting at work, just finished my tuna fish stuffed tomato for lunch and waiting the agreed upon 30+ minutes before I can drink some water to wash the tuna out of my teeth! Yummy, snack! It has been a rainy day here in North Florida and that means I have been tempted to munch on junk, lucky for me that I removed the bad stuff from my office so I have nothing to munch on!
 
I reflect back that it has been almost 3 years since I joined the bandwagon. 124 pounds, countless miles walking, some NSVs and some disappointments...all in all..I would do this again in a minute. There are entire GROWN people who weigh 124 pounds and I lost that much weight. I can't pick up 124 pounds but my poor legs and feet were carrying that. Being 3 years out, you don't loose weight fast any more..Shoot, in the beginning if I didn't loose 4-5 pounds in a week, something was really wrong, then 4-5 pounds a month - still not bad...now 4-5 pounds a quarter would be acceptable but hey, I am not gaining..oh sure, I have put on a few pounds here and there, but it came back off. You know I have lost the same 10 pounds far too many times. I get within spittin' distance of my goal and then the "snack devil" inside me comes out to play and poof...10-15 pounds from goal again...One thing I have learned is that even if the weight loss stops right where I am, that is going to OK with me. I am not the 6 I wanted to be - ok - I am an 8..big deal. At least I am not a 22W anymore. I like me, I like what I have accomplished and I feel good about myself.
 
I hope you have a wonderful week and will sit down, reflect and feel good about yourself today too.
 
Melinda in Florida