bonniep

Should a man who is legally married to a woman but is not the biological father be required to pay child support? Well, if the man is married to the woman and living in the house with his wife and her child then NO, he shouldn't have to pay child support. He probably helps to pay for the mortgage/rent, food, recreation for and with the child, etc. Child support is not appropriate here. Child support comes in when the parents of a child are divorced! If this man has been raising this child as his own is he not now both morally and legally bound to continue his support? He has, afterall, already entered into an emotional and financial contract with the child I assume you are now suggesting that the mother and step-father are divorced and not still living together. In this case, NO, the man is not required to pay support because presumably, the biological father is paying support and we are talking about a step-parent -- the child has always known that the step-parent is NOT their real parent. A step-parent is not required by law to pay child support. If the step-parent would like to continue to have an emotional and/or financial relationship with the child, then it's up to the custodial parent to decide whether it's appropriate or not... In these instances how should the state deal with mothers who have lied about biological parentage? One has to first prove that the biological mother has purposely lied about the biological parentage. I would assume this would be very hard to prove in a court of law. And should the state attempt to hunt down the biological fathers in order to force them to pay their fair share? Won't this kind of action on the part of the state contravene a big bunch of Constitutional Rights Many states have done and are doing this in the case of mothers who are on welfare because of deadbeat dads. So YES, this can and is being done. Should the state excuse a husband from his financial obligations with respect to child support when his wife has presented him with a baby that is proven to be not biologically his if the marriage break down occurs within the first year after the child was born? Before the poor sap has bonded with this kid, that is to say I would think it would be up to the court to decide. If the husband could prove that the wife purposely and maliciously lied to him about parentage and if the child is an infant and no bonding has occurred, then it's my opinion that letting this man out of any monetary obligation toward the child is fair and just. That's my opinion and a court could decide differently, of course. It would then be up to the husband to take the case to a higher court if he disagreed with the ruling. In many ways it is much cheaper for the state/the people to maintain the status quo and the logic behind this would be: you were the one who married the cheating bitch and now you will have to pay. I take offense at your language and your condescending tone toward women. I am not the enemy and please don't treat me like one. If you can't remain civil, then please refrain from discussing this admittedly heated topic. bonnie

Unfortunately, the majority of the father's that are brought into court by their ex-wives regarding child support issues are deadbeat dads. This influences judges in terms of father's who aren't deadbeat dads, but so it goes. Life isn't fair and a judge has to look at what's best for the children in each and every case. There are some mother's who live off of the child support in lieu of spending the money on the child, but there's really nothing a father can do about that. I have a friend whose ex-wife spends on herself and spends nothing on the kids. This man buys his 2 daughters clothes and everything else they need when they visit him, even though he pays a fortune ($2,400 per month), in child support. The bottom line is that this man is going to have a wonderful relationship with his two girls when they become adults, while the mother will not. What goes around comes around, especially when it comes to parenting. In my own case, there is no doubt in my mind that my father loved me. He didn't pay my mother child support out of spite -- he was furious that she left him and not sending child support was his form of payback. As a child and a teenager, I watched my mother sacrifice for me and do without, so that I could have nice clothes and piano lessons and summer camp and I never forgot it. Children see what's going on and they're very perceptive. Once they become adults, they're able to understand what went on and who sacrificed and who didn't and let me tell you, if the parent didn't pay when the kid was young, they'll pay later on in terms of the relationship. My mother didn't take my father to court for child support because she didn't want to put me through the trauma. Back when I was a kid, I would have had to go to court and testify. Frankly, I was all for her taking my father to court -- I wanted her to stick it to him -- but in retrospect she probably did the right thing because it really would have been traumatic for me. I think that a man who is not the biological father of a child but who has accepted the child as his, should have to pay child support. The relationship is with the child and is separate from the relationship with the mother. The man can choose to take the mother to court if in fact she defrauded him (assuming she knew he wasn't the father and lied about it -- good luck proving that in court, BTW), or he could take the biological father to court, if he can prove the biological father knew, etc. I agree that any payment should only have to be made after the child is grown up and out of the house, so that the child isn't made to suffer either emotionally or financially. This is a very loaded subject and while adults are often the victims where child support is concerned, it's the children who suffer. My vote goes to the kids -- anything and everything should be done to prevent them from having to bear the brunt of adult problems in an adult world. bonnie

As the adult child of a father who never gave my mother any child support, I feel I'm in the unique position to share my feelings on this subject. First of all, if a man is the person that the child thinks is their father, then the man is that child's father, period. If the man believed he was the father, then he should still believe he is the father. The love for a child doesn't just go away with biology. Hopefully, the man will be mature enough to keep the child in his life and let her know that he loves her unconditionally. THAT is in the best interest of the child. Should he pay child support? If the biological father can be located and if he's in the position to pay, then he should pay, assuming he can maintain the standard of living to which the child has become accustomed. The child should not suffer, ie: be made to move to a cheaper house, apartment, etc., because of this. I think the judge has to decide what's in the best interest of the child and not what's in the best interest of the father or father's here.... The fact that my father loved me very much, but never gave my mother an ounce of child support came back to bite him a BIG way when he got older and sick and needed me. The fact that he never bothered to take care of me when I was a child, ie: make sure there was a roof over my head, make sure I had food to eat, etc., was a never ending resentment on my part from the time my parents divorced (I was 10), to the time my father died when I was 38. It didn't matter that my father gave me an "allowance," starting when I was 16 -- when I was old enough so that he knew the money wouldn't go to my mother. It didn't matter that my father helped me through college, paid for part of my wedding, etc. None of that mattered. What mattered was my watching my mother work long hours and tons of overtime from the second she divorced my father, leaving me to be a latchkey kid long before the term was even coined, watching my mother work herself sick just to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth -- that's what mattered. When my father got sick and needed me, I was there, but no way "there," in the same way I'm there for my mother now that she needs me. Basically, I placed my father in a nursing home (he had a chronic, dehabilitating disease that eventually killed him), and it wasn't on my dime, either. If he had run out of money, I would have put him into a state-supported home -- I was not going to spend one cent of my money on his care. I visited him once-a-month or so and that was that. I loved my father, but there was a lot of ambivalence there. My mother is elderly now and she's in a lovely assisted living complex 10-minutes from my house. I am over there 3-4 times a week, just to hang out with her. Her welfare is as important to me as is the welfare of my children. If not for my mother, I wouldn't be here right now and you bet that it's payback time. Just my experience and my 2 cents. Not paying child support directly effects the child. I feel that I suffered a great deal of psycological damage because of my father's actions that were taken out of spite toward my mother. She got over it and moved on. I never did and I'm 54 years old now. There you have it. b.

Hi Amy, I'm not on a pre-op diet, no. My doctor asked that I lose 10-12 lbs. before surgery and I've done that. Once I hit the 10 lb. mark, I was approved and scheduled. I'm having my surgery a week from today! Let's stay here and stay focused and let's write -- all of us! I think that writing to one another and posting here is only a good thing and it can only help us for the long term. I'm running out to Trader Joe's now. I'm going to get chicken and veggie broth for next week, after surgery and I'm going to get some Protein powder while I'm there too. I'll also get some of their mushie Soups -- they look good and will help me during the two weeks of mushies. My doctor asks for a week of liquids after surgery and then, two weeks of mushies. Bonnie

I'm a bit concerned. I'm due to be banded in a week. I was told that the band will be Inamed. I'm reading on this board that Inamed is the old kind of band and the new, more successful band is AG. I am having my band done at a "Center of Excellence," here in MA, where I live. I'm self pay. I only want to do this once -- any advice? Anyone know anything about brands of bands and which ones work best?

The nurse shouldn't be shot. She seems like a very positive person -- full of energy and encouragement. At the "Lapband Training," session that I had to attend, there were only 4 of us in the group. I'm the type of person who asks a lot of questions and I asked her, point blank, whether people fail with the lapband. She said "Yes, they do. In fact, more people fail than are successful. We are starting to see that the preliminary statistics on the lapband were wrong and the majority of people who get the lapband do not meet their goal." What did I expect her to say, given that I asked the question. Do I want her to lie? So, I am scared. I cannot fail at this -- I simply cannot. I've had too many weight failures in my life to fail once again. Unlike most of you on this board, I've never lost 30 or 40 lbs. before. In fact, I've never really lost any weight at all. Every time I've gone on a "diet," I've failed. I can't stick to an eating program for more than a day or two or three. So you can see why I'm scared. bonnie

WOW! I hope I'm in the same place you are a year from now. You are what is called a major success story! bonnie

Well, here I am on a positive note, even though like everyone else who hasn't been banded yet, I have my doubtful times too. I'm being banded on 2/4 and I'm not scared of the surgery -- I'm scared of what happens afterward. I question whether I can do an all clear diet for a week and then, two weeks of mushies. But YES, I can do it, even though it won't be easy. It's time I took full responsibility, mentally, for my actions. I guess the way we stop eating BIG meals is to get banded. Everyone who's banded says they stop eating LARGE. So, it's worth it, isn't it? b.

Hi Everyone, I"m bonnie and I'm getting banded in less than 2 weeks (2/4/08). I'm self pay (don't get me started!), so I didn't have to go thru the nightmare of insurance approval. I'm getting banded at Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA. I'm not on a pre-op diet, but I had to lose 10 lbs. before they'd approve me for the surgery. I somehow did it -- don't know how because I've never been able to do it before. I had knee surgery 6-weeks ago, which makes exercise hard. I am exercising though. Today I did 5-miles of hills and dales on a stationary bike, for 35-minutes. I then did about 15-minutes of Yoga, to stretch. I have to be on one week of liquids after the surgery and then, 2 weeks of mushies. Is that part hard? I've never been able to do a liquid diet before -- never had the stamina for it. I hope I do this time! I go back and forth from being really positive and upbeat, to being pessimistic and down. The nurse at Lahey told me that most bandsters aren't successful. I was outraged that she said this, but then again, she was just being honest and honesty really is the best policy. Nice to meet everyone here and I look forward to a long and productive relationship with all you guys. bonnie

I know that everyone says the lap band is a tool and not a solution. This worries me. So much of my eating is in my head. Since I'm going to be banded in less than two weeks, how will I get the destructive thoughts about food out of my head and get on the lap band wagon? I don't want to fail at this. My biggest fear is of failure. I've failed over and over and over again on "diets," and so, it's natural that failure is the first thing that come to mind when I think about getting the lapband. Tell me how you all did it! Thanks! b.

Hi, I'm 54 years old and I'm getting banded in less than 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared, both at the same time. Regarding your weight loss, do you exercise? If so, how much and how often? I expect that I'll lose between 1-2lbs. per week. Like you, I don't weigh at home, nor do I have any desire to, until I'm close to my goal weight. In the past, I've sabotaged myself by weighing at home (usually every day or every other day), because I would get discouraged after seeing no or little weight off and then, I'd eat. Hence, I've decided that with the lapband, the scale is not my friend for now. What comes off, comes off and that's that. As long as I'm losing, I don't care. If I'm not hungry all the time and if I don't feel like I'm suffering, I can live with not knowing what I'm losing or how much I weigh on any given day. Any advice for a newbie like me? I'm all ears! Regards, b.

Hi Red Saffron, My surgery date is also on February 4th! It was supposed to be on Feb. 11th, but I got a call yesterday asking me if I could do it on the 4th, instead. I'm nervous and scared and all the rest. This is a HUGE step, but I have to remember that I'm doing it for my health -- both physical and mental! Where do you live? I live in Massachusetts. b.

Hiya Gibson Girl, Yes, my husband will be there for me during the surgery. He's supportive of my getting the lapband, but he doesn't like the fact that I'm not telling anyone. You know, I don't want to tell anyone, because I've failed to lose weight so many times before -- I'd rather keep my mouth shut and just let the weight loss speak for itself.... I'm getting really anxious. Yesterday, Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA -- the place I'm having my lapband done, called. They're moving my surgery date up. I was scheduled for Feb. 11th, but am now going in on Feb. 4th. Knowing that I'm two weeks away from this makes me nervous, even though I'm absolutely going thru with it. No chickening out here! I've been a steady exerciser for a very long time. Unfortunately, since I've gained a huge amount of weight in the last year, I've stopped being an exercise nut. I know once I get back into the swing of things I'll become an exercise nut again -- especially once I feel I can move in my body. I can help motivate you to exercise if you'd like. I'm good at that. Glad to meet you! b.

Okay -- I'll take you up that. Here I am! And I'm ready for all the support you can give me. I'm very good at giving support back -- this isn't a one-way ticket to Dodge. How are you doing on your exercise? I'm really good with exercise -- I used to be quite the athlete. If you have any questions regarding exercise or need motivation or whatever, I'm your girl. I'd like to eat healthfully, without binging or going off of my diet, from now until my surgery date. I feel the more weight I lose, the easier the surgery will be and the better I'll feel. I'm just so sick of being FAT! b.

I'm sure we're all thinking about a last, great meal, but you know, this is what got us into this mess in the first place. Basically, there is no last, great meal. We've had a million "last, great meals," and it never ends. So, yes, I want a last, great meal and yes, I may have one -- even though I know it's a totally self-destructive thing to do. When does the self-destruction end and the healing begin? bonnie

Look, none of us would be getting the band if we didn't have a history of failure when it comes to losing weight. This is not something any of us are doing lightly (no pun intended!). Yes, I'm scared. I'm especially scared because the nurse practitioner at Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA, where I'm being banded, says that the majority of people she sees do not reach their goal. I'm determined not to be one of those people. This is loaded for all of us here and we carry a lot of emotional baggage -- history of failure, history of beating ourselves up over our failure, history of feeling badly about ourselves. I for one am sick of it! I deserve better than that. For once in my life, I want the issue of weight to go away. Being banded is my hope that I will be able to lose and then, maintain the loss successfully. I don't worry about not being able to have carbonated drinks. I stopped drinking Coke and all that stuff years ago, when someone told me it's like pouring chemicals down your throat. My nemesis is portion control and food craving. And to get a handle on these, I need to remember to go back to Lahey, no matter what, and get fills, fills, fills -- if that's what it takes. I want all of us here to be successful. We can cheer one another on. So let's go -- rah, rah, rah! Is everyone excercising? I think that portion control and excercise are the key to the whole thing. My surgery date is Feb. 11th. I've chosen not to tell anyone -- except my husband, of course. I'm not telling my kids or my mother. My husband is not happy regarding my decision and is giving me a bit of a hard time about it, but hey, it's my surgery and this is what I've decided is right for me. I guess it goes back to the fear of failure. Until I know that I can really do this for sure, I don't want anyone knowing. I don't want questions, I don't want expectations. I'm hard enough on myself without having anyone else be hard on me... bonnie

I'm all set for February 11th. I'm being banded at Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA. I'm not nervous about the surgery, but I am nervous about the one month of liquids and mushies. I'm determined to do this and I know I'll get through it. I'm stoked! bonnie

Thank you for the support. I am going to register on Sparkpeople.com and start tracking my calories. I was feeling SO upbeat. And then, when the NP started reeling off the statistics and saying that she's seen more people fail than succeed with the band -- it just played into my old feelings of discouragement. Excercise isn't a problem for me. My weight gain is fairly recent (last 5-years), and before I gained, I was always a big excerciser. In fact, I came in first in my category in a Triathalon 10-years ago. I won't go to the health club right now -- I don't want anyone to see me at this weight. I don't want to see myself in excercise clothes right now either -- not a pretty sight! Instead, I bought a treadmill and a stationary bike and I work out at home. It's a bit difficult for me at the moment as I just had knee surgery a month ago, but I did 45-minutes on the stationary bike this morning, which always makes me feel good. I did it in my underwear -- like, who can see? :smile: It's the eating that's my bugaboo. The food. The stuffing. The feeling horrible after. I need it to stop. I want it to stop. If the band can help me stop the behavior, then I want to be on the train to bandland. Writing to this group helps. Thanks for listening. b.

Hi, I'm scheduled for lapband surgery on 2/11/08. Yesterday, I went to the "pre-op," group where the dietician and the nurse practitioner go over everything you need to know -- the post-op diet, etc. I pointedly asked the nurse practitioner about the success rate of the lap band and what she had seen. She said that they are not seeing the success rate that was first reported in the literature (this is a Center of Excellence -- Lahey Clinic in Burlington, MA), and they are becomming convinced that the lap band does not produce the same level of success as the gastric bypass. Let me say that there is NO WAY I would even consider gastric bypass. The NP went on to say that they see far more failures than successes and that a lot of people they see don't end up really losing any weight at all. She then gave the "party line talk," about the band is a tool, working with the band, etc., but I'm feeling very discouraged. If I could lose weight on my own, I would have by now. I was looking to the band to really make losing easier, but now reality is hitting home. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, anxious, not anxious, hell, I just plain eat whenever. I get cravings a lot and I find it hard not to give in to them. I get cravings just about every day. I'm scared. I'll get cravings once banded. If I can't say "no," to cravings now, what makes me think I can say "no," once I have a band around my stomach. Hearing the NP last night is making me rethink this whole thing. Then again, when I try and think about facing life at my current weight -- I get very upset and sad. Help! b.

I've started the journey at Lahey Clinic in Burlington. I haven't met the surgeon yet, but he's supposed to be terrific.

I'm 54 years old and have decided to get banded. I've been to an information session at Lahey Clinic in MA and to one support group (2 are required). I'm scheduled for the 4 required nutrition consults as well. Because I'm self-pay, I don't have to worry about insurance approval. I do have to lose between 12-15lbs before they'll schedule my surgery. I'm particularly concerned about losing the 12-15lbs I need to lose before getting banded. If I could lose weight, I wouldn't need the lap band! How did you all lose the weight you needed to lose in order to get the surgery? I'm hoping that I'm not a 1/2 lb a week loser -- that would discourage me no end. Once I get into excercise, I can really go at it and if my eating is clean, I should lose. A few years ago I got really sick and was unable to eat much of anything at all for a month and I only lost 2 lbs per week -- and that was with eating no food at all. I'm convinced that my metabolism no longer exists! Well, this is my introduction to this group, I guess. Thanks for taking the time to read my introl.