j_war06

Dr. Spiegel has become a RUDE POMPOUS BUTTHOLE! Before all the fame and hype of his surgeries he wasnt like he is now, but my last visit to him may be just that, my last. I brought my skinny friend with me and he basically compared her to me and drilled me about losing more weight and that I was doing something wrong and basically, not in so many words told me that I was ugly fat. his exact words being "you would be a beautiful girl if you lost 50-60 more pounds". I was SOOOOo upset when I left his office that I went on a shopping binge lol! However Im not impressed with his current attitude. If I give you 15,000 dollars, plus 100 dollars per fill, you better treat me with respect and dignity. not like an incompetant piece of crap.

Dr. Spiegel should be more personable. Im sorry but someone getting in my face about my weight and not even praising me for the weight I had lost over the time span I hadnt seen him, basically telling me not good enough, is not going to motivate me to lose weight. In fact if ANYONE gets in my face and tells me to do something, I do the direct opposite just to piss them off. Its the immature kid in me, but I dont appreciate someone ordering me to do something. I like options. HE DOESNT LISTEN EITHER! He asked me a million times how much fish I could eat, and I told him I dont know I havent eaten fish and this goes on and on and on.....I dont eat Chicken either, it doesnt go down well, and he just cant understand that! I need another fill, but I frankly dont want to see him again. I do not like him, I dont really have too many issues with the staff, but he as a person has a horrible attitude towards his patients. Its like we are cattle and he is the farmer. He found FAT and found a way to make money with it. Thats all he cares about, once he has the cash (oh and CASH ONLY), everything goes out the window. Ive known Surgeons with EXCELLENT People Skills, thats no excuse. As far as Im concerned he needs a little plastic surgery himself, he's looking old, and I hope his surgeon treats him the same way he treated me!

check out my new update everyone! Okay, so this is an update on me in a nutshell… I had taken a short break from college, but now I am going back. I had moved back to Corpus for about 3 months with a sorority sister, but she ended up being a, well, a bitch and because my name wasn’t on the lease, and I stuck to my responsibilities instead of partying all the time, she kicked me out the day after I paid rent on grounds that were completely false, however I don’t have a leg to stand on in them. I have a boyfriend that Ive been dating for about 2 months that I have had hell with, however he and I are both working on our lives right now. I am back in my hometown trying to get a full-time job and goto school as well as get back in the Theatre. He is in rehab for alcoholism. I asked him to go. He is a great guy, but I cant be with someone that I cant trust with money. Atleast if he bought crap we would have something to show for it. I love him so much, and he is freakishly in love with me, but unless he straightens up his act, I can not be with him. Im diagnosed as pre-bipolar or bipolarish and Im taking trazadone and abilify to help manage that. Im not happy about being home, but its better than being homeless in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Corpus Christi</st1:place></st1:City>. I actually have a positive outlook right now, which is rare as many of you may know. Im in debt up to my ears, but with the right job I can fix that in a few months. I need a new car and new cellphone, but since I lived a homeless life in Corpus (thanks to my wonderful roomie), and lived very poor because my boyfriend was a bartender/busboy and I was a hostess at a restaurant, we couldn’t afford much after helping our friend that we were staying with out with rent. Ive never lived that way before, it really opened my eyes. Ive almost completely quit drinking myself btw. I finally saw how much money I was wasting just tipping the bartender for free drinks! I still enjoy a couple of drinks every now and then, but as for the every night party I would rather not. As for events coming up……..Im going to school to get my paralegal certificate and Im going to Substitute teach at the schools here until I get a fulltime job. Well that’s my update……….Im open to questions, I know it is kind of brief for my writing lol! I already posted this as a seperate thread but if you are still subscribed to this one, I wanted you to read it

I havent posted in a while...Im relapsing from all my therapy I had 2 years ago...I just dont get why I feel this way in my hometown...I actually have friends here now...Im not going out every night nemore and I feel good about that....I just dont get it....BTW Im living with my mom and dad again, and they absolutely do not support me being bipolar and my mother checks my medicine to see if Ive taken it, and if I have then all hell breaks lose at my house...so therefore its pointless because she is going to depress me anyway....how can someone I love soooooooooooooo much be so harsh on me! I dont mind being bipolar, I just cant live with mother minding...Ive completely relapsed today, I knew it was coming, but I wasnt sure when, and today was it..........I fought it SOOOOO hard, I really really really did, but I couldnt help it, and have gone back to my old ways (which I prefer not to discuss unless asked directly)..........They wont allow me to go back to CC....I have 2 jobs waiting on me there, yet they wont allow it....... We dont have support groups here that I know of, and Ive lived here my entire life except one year....I do not think Im an alcoholic, I can live without drinking, NOW.....a month or so before I would have said differently, however Ive got that issue under control......I cant find a job here for some reason........It seems like I get the breaks in life in all the wrong places....... Melissa I understand that you are 18, but I will tell you from my experience there's a big difference between 18 and 20...I KNOW its only 2 years.......however life experiences and such really are a factor......BTW I love being a socialite, it gets you connections and such, plus its fun! But I just think I made a mistake moving home, I guess you're never truly cured of mental illness.....I dont mind the advice, and I know I make a lot of excuses, however they are all true....Im just responding to what has previously been said......Im not necessarily trying to argue, just converse......but afterall I am on a Pre-Law path, and its SUPER hard for me to back down on my side, especially after all the debates and such Ive gone through my past 2 years in college.

Why does this always turn into a Jodie's Crazy thread everytime??? And I myself am low-income, however my parents, whom still claim me, do not qualify for such assistance. I am under them, and their income level is too high for assistance. TRUST me thats why Im not working on my bachelor's right now. And yes, I was called a liar on here...................Why am I screaming for help? Well, I mean now things are getting worse inside my head, but before I was fine, I was positively splendid, and I was still accused of being crazy??? I was just trying to have some fun, MY entire school career, I stayed home alllll the time, I didnt party, go clubbing, drink much, nothing....I went to a new years party and prom party my senior year, thats the extent of my partying at an earlier age......I guess I got to college and let myself go....I never had rules at home, Ihad a curfew and thats it.......now I dont even have that, and Im having fun, or was at college......I had too much fun. I was just letting myself have a good time, so thats bad? Im just ur average 19/20 year old girl thats finally let herself have fun...who cares if someone thinks Im fat? Who cares if they think Im ugly? Who cares? SO WHAT! as Tyra would say....I go and have fun. Is there something wrong with that? I dont know what I am, but Im NOT bi-polar! OKAY! Everyone gets depressed every now and then, so If I get depressed once every two or three months, and thats considered bipolar because Im usually happy or mad, then I know quite a few serious cases of bipolar disorder....I mean I know girls that cry and get down if their boyfriend looks at em funny or something stupid like that. Im not bipolar, its just that. I have the right to be sad sometimes, its just another emotion, why should it be ignored all the time....Sometimes it feels good to cry. *I didnt attack anyone, I can respect anyone else's opinion as much as I possibly can...Because I give mine, and I want it to be respected too. HOWEVER I dont like my moral to be attacked, nor my intelligence, nor my body...take a stab at anything else....just not that.*

Oh and gas to get to the fill is about $50 dollars, somewhere in that range, so yeah thats already half my money for the entire month!

rape means that if I say no, then thats no! He took me out to a bad neighborhood, threw me against the side of a trailer house, held my wrists down and anally raped me! Is that what you wanted to hear?? There's nothing I can do, I cant tell anyone here in my hometown....how does it look smalltown royalty is raped in Taco Flats?? HUH? How would you like gang members threatening not you, but your loved ones....I have a godson! I screamed no to him, and begged him to stop! He dropped me back off down a street and made me walk to my friends house where my car was, he had thrown my keys on the ground before we left Taco Flats and I didnt notice because I was too effin upset! He refused to go get them, ofcourse....I was stuck at my friends house, his neighbor, with no keys! thank GOD he took me back riding through Taco Flats to find the house we were at and I looked in the yard till I found them! Did you want details, oh there is SOOOOOOOOO much more, I was trying to censor it as much as possible! Im very non-chalant, period....however, it still doesnt seem real, someone that I knew that well, trusted, and was that much smaller than me could do that? I stopped drinking after that night......I RARELY spend money on booze thank you very much! Its generally free.....what are empty calories? I lost 30lbs on basically a Vodka diet....I dont eat a lot of food, well I didnt in college but now that Im back home with my mother, things are different....Im trying though....Ive had absolutely no appetite since Friday night. I really HATE HATE HATE being called a freakin liar! I have ABSOLUTELY no reason to lie, and If I wanted to freakin attention I would go out in the open with this.....I wanted to post it on here to get it out of me because I cant tell anyone else....I feel like its my fault, like I let it happen, I feel like I led him on and that I deserved it! Thats how I feel! Im out of tears, I rarely cry, maybe once ever couple of months, and its never much at a time......Im very insensitive to things. Im not bipolar, I do not have extreme highs and lows I have highs and extreme highs....Im either happy or pissed off, there is no other option! Sadness is a sign of weakness, and people cant see you as weak, or else they take advantage of you...well hell, they do it anyway. 3 things that really set me off: 1. Taking a stab at my weight 2. Calling me stupid 3. Calling me a liar when I just tried to open up to you So thank you for contributing to my horrible week. However Im just glad someone read it, and at least someone knows that it did happen. I will not endanger the lives or the health of my loved ones by reporting it, however I do need to see a therapist...its $275.00 a visit......my fill is $100-$150.....I get $400 a month to spend on food, gas, laundry, bills, and so forth.....doesnt go very far......Im trying to get a job with all my might, but Ive always heard that looking for a job is the hardest job there is.

anybody? respond??

My last therapist overlooked what was wrong with me, since it is rather rare.....turns out I am BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).....The symptoms do describe me to a T......Im seeing a counselor Monday, and Im very anxious and a little paranoid about it to tell you the truth....I just dont want them to hall me off to some place ya know? But I do need help, its getting worse ALLL the time! I now notice thanks to you guys (although I argued with you guys) and a couple of my friends that have noticed that something just isnt right with me.... I really just wanted to say thanks, you guys helped a lot!

They rediagnosed me a few weeks ago, they said I was bi-polar, but I just dont feel like I am! They have me on medicine that basically sedates me to the point that I cant even get out of bed or function! Im like a vegetable!

Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly. First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder... Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much. Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then. Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will. Also, I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose. Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else...... Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period. I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol) Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels. I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

I mean Ive seen a therapist before and I was just diagnosed with clinical depression, but after reading up on boderline personality disorder, it sounds very likely.

Im giving in and going to the counseling center on campus, I found it....however its more stress management from what I can see...I dont see it being very helpful for my mental health issues....my friend came into my room the other day and talked to me about how she sees me and the way I act and she just doesnt get my extreme highs and lows and how they are so sudden....and a few other symptoms of what you guys have been preaching....I hope they can help me there, however Im almost positive they are going to make me see an outside Psychiatrist, which Im not sure I can afford. I kind of see the light, Ive been doing some self-reflecting and although Im happy, Im happy for the wrong reasons I suppose....I dont feel motivated to do my school work or even hold a job...yet Im motivated to just be in social settings and around people..

Im not authorized to sell either car, they arent in my name....Purses decrease in value, and therefore arent worth what was paid for them........enough of that... NO, Im not gonna date someone I met in a bar....thats just rule #1. I like my boy to be good guy, but I like one that likes to look good...I dont want a guy that doesnt care about his body. I want to feel the strength and muscles when I lie on their chest....that is just my thing...he doesnt have to look like a body builder or anything, but nice definition is great. I guess time will tell, and until then I will let myself have fun, but not too much fun...my ex-boyfriend is nothing like my guys I have now, and they really are not very similar either.

I do protect myself, I have a god son for God's sake and thats enough!lol! And I definately dont need anything else down there lol! I am probably getting out of this phase of my life with the ex walking back in......I like to see the therapist, but I really dont trust them here, and I really need my money....Im telling you guys money is an issue, especially with me quitting my job and trying to find a new one soon, as well as figuring out what is going on with my body! Ive been menstrating for over a month now, not fun guys, not fun! It has something to do with birth control pills, I know that...but I dont know what else is going on there, so Ima get it checked out... I wish I could open myself to settle down like my friends....find a nice guy....but my type of guy is never the type to settle down for some reason...Im attracted to the kind of guy that likes to play the field...the jerk type (doesnt treat me badly, but has a big ego you know?) I like the muscular type that think that they are all that.Ive been thinking about that....that maybe I need a guy to settle down with for a little while......I just dont know where to find him??????? Class is a usual option, but I dont see anyone in class that I am compatible with....so where else>

Yes I have 2 cars, I have a sports car for the winter and for fun and an SUV for the summer going to the beach and such and when a large group of people and I go out. My parents bought them for me before I even went to college....college is breaking my family, we live a lot tighter lives these days. Neither one of my cars are brand new, the car is a 2000 and the SUV is a 2003 or 2004.........I dont believe in true love, because I found it once and it bit me in the butt! Therefore I refuse to have a serious relationship, I hope that changes someday, but right now I dont want to be serious and allow feelings for someone else. I am ver superficial, Im very vain, its part of my personality, but I promise you this, I take care of the ones that can see past it and get inside me to know me. Im quitting my job today, Ive been really sick lately, I dunno if it is the band or what, but until I find out, I need to be working a desk job. Which I think will yield a much larger income anyway. They werent giving me any hours and kept hiring more staff, so I cant make money there. Im going to the Dr. today just to get things checked out, Ive been on some medication that I think is making me sick, we will find out Im sure. Just to show you guys Im not easy though, I had a pretty cute guy hit on me last night, but when he got to close, I made him go away...My tough side came out lol! I got rid of him...only because Im not taking on any more boys after these are done, thats it....for a while...my ex is moving here soon, in a few months, and we are getting a house, and I need to be focused on getting that together, and finding a new job and so forth and so on. I dont get why its a bad thing to keep two guys around....Ive never had boys...I had the same boyfriend for 3 years, we had a dream, but apparently he lost the dream and we split, and now we are friends again, he walked back into my life, not I to him. I guess I still love him thought, just not the same way I once did....then for a year and a half I was the girl who you came to to hook up 2 people, but never get asked out or hit on or anything....and even before that during me dating him and such I never got attention from other guys, I never did growing up either....I was never anyone's secret crush, or valentine or anything, except my ex. I guess Im just finally getting out what Ive wanted my entire life, Im finally getting it and Im taking full advantage of it.

Are you all nuts? I dont buy all those expensive things for myself! I have rent to pay, upkeep on my cars, food, gas, school fees, tuition and so forth....If a guy can use me, why cant I use the guy??? Dont you guys understand that? Im using them just as well...I dont feel like Im messing up...my self-esteem has never been higher than it is right now and its not just the boys....Im getting hit on a lot more, I wear clothes that actually fit me well instead of too big, I feel like getting out of bed every day instead of just lying there.....Oh and its agreed that I get the dog if anything happens and we decide to split again, but one bad fight in 10 years isnt too bad of a record.....I like having a life....I like having a guy or guys I can talk about with all my friends....they all have someone, and I never have, even before I moved here, for a year I could never talk to my friends about guys because I didnt have one...now I have two.....Its not like they dont spend the night, or kick me out of their beds after its over, they actually want me to stay and we hang out and chill the next day, I will want to leave or whatever because I do understand a guy's mind a lot better than a chick's, thats why I dont have friends that are girls, they are too messy, guys could care less what you do in your personal life unless your killing yourself ofcourse. I just dont understand why I cant be like a guy with that sort of thing....oh and also its not like its different random guys either, Ive seen them more than once ever, and they talk to me outside of, yes I will say it, SEX.....and I keep it going, its not like a love em and leave em thing....PLUS Ive known these guys for a while now, I met the stripper in September and the bartender around October....theyve both been chasin me since then.

Yes, I have temper tantrums, I was raised as an only child. I got everything Ive ever wanted in my entire life....my parents spent $15,000 on my band, and its working, im losing weight and Im happy with that...however it is a shame that a woman is dissed for the same thing a man would be partially praised for...having two people that is....I take care of myself....I go to class, i do my work, i maintain my job, and still somehow hold a decent social life....yes Im going out tonight....its college night and a new friend invited me to go.... I like to be glamorous, I like to have that sense about me, however all my friends know that I am a real person, and if someone cant see through all the glitz and glam, the louis and the coach, then they didnt really want to be my friend and get to know me. Actually a lot has changed in a month, Ive become a very confident person. Im on a wait list for a house in August which Im splitting with my ex-boyfriend, however we are not getting back together, I made that clear and he agreed...we are getting a dog and live in our own little happy world. The house is so cute and very nice, and coincidentally identical to the one we used to sit around and draw when we were bored back in the glory days.

im not ignoring you guys, ive been busy with working, school, and a social life. every thing that I have done lately has been for free...like i went to a concert this week in Houston and it was all free except the gas. Im not an over eater, i dont eat my problems away, i never have or never will. I havent been drinking lately because I dont want to spend the money....any drinking that I do, is free. I still cant afford $125 an hour for a therapist, thats what mine costs, and Im sure its much greater in a bigger city. I have to admit that life is going my way right now....everything is great. I do feel a little unmotivated as far is getting stuff done that I need to get done, but if I just start doing it, then I will finish it. BTW, Im on BC and always use condoms, always! And just because he's a stripper, doesnt make him that promiscuous. In fact, when he does a show or anything relevant to stripping, he doesnt use his real name, he makes one up so that they cant call him or have anything more to do with him. Im just having fun right now, but I am calming down some...yes I go out, but Im not drinking, Im dancing mostly...and if you people think that I have ever even given my stripper even a dollar your mistaken...he came to me! Thats how I roll, the boys come to me if they want to talk to me, not I to them. Im trying to get even more focused on school....both boys are definately encouraging that, they make sure i go to class, and get homework done. I will never allow myself an abusive relationship, I am a princess and I should be treated like one, I grew up in the country, dont think I cant hit or talk back! I dont even want a relationship right now, I dont need that on my plate, thats why I turned down the bartender last week when he decided he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I would never date someone that well, say the relationship started backwards lol! But seriously, I am smarter than that. I am happy with life, things are going great right now. Im finally everything I want. When I walk into the room, club, bar, whatever, I am the star! I dont want the attention the whole time, just when I walk in, and I want people to notice when I leave, and they do. I get hit on often, and I pretty much get what I want. Ive networked myself in this city, and now Im VIP at atleast 3 hot spots! Treated like a princess....at any of them. I dont know if you people understand, but I like to be noticed in a crowd, Im from a small town, where I knew everyone and they knew me, and I could do anything I wanted without consequences (I mean within reason, obviously if I were dumb enough to be on drugs and I got busted I wouldnt get away with that, or murder or anything). It feels good to know that you are going to be pampered when you go out, that people know you and love you to death!

hmmm.... thats strange they wont fix it, usually its a pretty simple surgery..........

Actually the girls that were working were lesbians lol, no fear there, especially when he's hugging and kissing on me

my sex drive has definately gone up, but then again there are more boys interested, so i dunno which is the more important variable....however, i would definately say that I have a nice drive since I have to keep 2 boys around just in case lol

hey girl, plastic doesnt decompose inside the body...lots of really important (life-saving immediate) surgeries use plastic parts...they are concerned for you i suppose...i have issues with mine the same thing....get an unfill and try again slowly filling the band....right now im on an unfill because of the throwing up and stuff...i had no idea that i had a problem however until they unfilled me....i was literally eating a handfull of food A DAY! i couldnt get anything down, and was throwing up everything that went in my mouth..........so yeah, its hard, but trust me it will work out, dont give up!

okay, so since work, ive lost about 10 more lbs! Which I needed since being unfilled has left me with gaining about 8, so therefore Ive lost 2lbs from what i was....im happy! Spring break is approaching so thats good that im losing weight! lol!! As for my love life......hmmm....its interesting, im going to leave bartender alone for a little while, i will go back to him on occassion, im sure of it, but he got to comfy with me, and I with him, and I dont want to deal with that right now..... Ive got the stripper yay! I like the way he is....he's hot and has a GREAT personality, like for real! We actually went out to eat the other night after going out and he made the girls at whataburger laugh and stuff....he was being crazy and I thought it was because he was drunk, but when we got back out to the parking lot, he took me in his arms and said, "see, I just made an hour of their time go by so much quicker." I was like AWWWW! That was nice, I realized then he wasnt drunk, ofcourse he had been drinking, but he wasnt drunk. That was so nice. I cant believe someone like him can actually be a nice person! crazy right?

omg! he's hot tho! I told you I was using this more like a blog than anything else...so therefore i tell that I am seeing a stripper...... Bartender asked me to date him, be his girlfriend, although he's cute, I told him no........Im too afraid of a relationship right now....i have enough on my plate...