Folly

I posted a thread a few days ago about grocery shopping but things other than food are on my mind. I had a response to a couple in the store that surprised me and made me feel bad about myself for a moment. I saw a couple shopping. She was in a motorized cart while he was pushing a regular grocery cart. Both were sweating profusely. The woman looked like she might be close to 400lbs and the man was much larger. (Keep in mind I used to weigh almost 450lbs myself.) He was the one I reacted to. I passed him in the aisle, he was struggling to walk. He was clearly in pain and he smelled bad. The smell took over that whole section of the store. I noted people recoiling and walking in the opposite direction when they got close enough to smell - which wasn't very close. Most showed no outward reaction but a few were muttering. One shopper called him an "Obeast". I found myself agreeing with the people who were acting a little rude. I mean, their carts were FULL of every high fat, high calorie, high carb, deep fried or frosted thing you can think of. I started to recoil and thought to take another route through the store before I realized this was hypocritical and just ugly of me. I don't think I ever let myself smell bad but other than that, I WAS one of them for a long time and it wasn't very long ago. I understand this addiction. I understand having given up on yourself. I understand being taken over by something you need help taking yourself back from. I believe this is what happens to pain that can't be processed in some people (it's too big maybe, or it doesn't stop). Addiction always looks to me like pain filling the place where love was meant to go. It hurts, can't be tolerated and whatever we're using hurts less or becomes so necessary that we're just lost and can't find our way out. (Not everyone who needs WLS is going to relate to this but I hope many will.) Coming from where I started and also having a degree that should sensitize me to human behavior, prejudices, etc. didn't help. Most people in my life describe me as the consummate mommy. I don't treat people in ways that make them feel bad about themselves, ever. With my history, with my education, my usual treatment of everyone I cross paths with; my first reaction was still disgust and judgment. It didn't last and I most certainly didn't act on it but I'm still a little upset with myself - not even sure why. Maybe they scared me. I know I can return to that path any time I start letting myself think the wrong thoughts or lose sight of how powerfully I was held in the grip of an addiction that called the shots in my life for many years. I feel bad because my reasoned response was understanding, compassion, well-wishing, kind thoughts. My initial reaction was the same ugliness as everyone else around them. I suppose I'm starting this thread because I hope we can just talk about it. I'm curious how other people who've had struggles with weight feel and react to such things.

@@Elode My DR and I have went around and around over this issue. I was lucky enough to never have metabolic disorders even at my highest weight - it surprised the heck out of me when this started. It can be incorrectly diagnosed as A-Fib, surprisingly. I wore a monitor for two weeks when my symptoms presented. My Dr thought I would come back with A-fib but it turned out orthostatic hypotension is the culprit. We can't figure it out specifically (diet is good, labs come out good, electrolytes in balance, etc) but it's being attributed to my weight loss. I haven't figured out how to prevent symptoms but they are much, much worse when I'm thirsty or hungry.

@@More than this I've been where I plan to stay, meal-wise, for about a year. I made myself very ill several months after surgery and ended up letting people down because I was too ill to be with my siblings when my father passed. I was in a hospital ICU because my body was too depleted and weak to fight off a common cold. I've learned from this. Over-restricting not only sets you up for weigh-loss stalls/fails, it leaves the body vulnerable. Have you reviewed your diet with a NUT?

I could barely walk for the first year or so - my weight was just too high and my joints/back too damaged. I still have never went to a class but I go do go to the gym twice a week. Today I did 35 minutes on the incline setting on the treadmill going very briskly. Almost needed oxygen but this is my commitment. Most of us eventually do give in and do something about getting physically fit. The weight loss stops being a passive process after a while.

isn't that one of the components of phenfen? (Fenphen? Phen-fen?....whatever)

@@bhopeful Can't answer that - only meds I ever tried were illegal and it was 20 years ago. Is there a justification other than weight for you to be taking victoza?

Keep it private as long as you feel you need to. I've noticed a lot of people have a crummy attitude toward WLS and, in general, feel they have a right to opine loudly whenever they hear about it. No reason to set yourself for annoyance or hurt feelings.

One of the functions of the pre-op diet is to get you in a very good place nutritionally so you have reserves to support you through the first several weeks. Over months, no not enough and your health could suffer and you might need to address it with a good NUT. Over several weeks, you're OK. Whatever you do, please don't force anything. If you can tolerate it, I would encourage you to get Protein enriched waters (I think one I could stand was Isopure but there are lots on the market) so you can bolster the protein intake while still getting enough to drink - killing two birds with one stone.

Be careful about drinking faster than your stomach can empty... it can be quite painful (and dangerous). I would encourage you to take no more than a couple ounces at a time and be in the habit of sipping whenever you're not close to meal time.

I went to the gym today and it really is the first time I looked at myself in a full l length mirror and SAW me as I am now. I suppose it matters that it happened at the gym. I was wearing incredibly baggy clothes but I noticed my hips and shoulders line up correctly - shoulders and hips are the same width and are wider than my torso. It's weird to keep discovering yourself - or at least it is for me. My sister told me a few days ago I have to stop seeing myself as someone huge because I've actually lost more than I currently weigh... If I dwell on it too much it gets a little surreal.

Reading everything written here makes me feel proud of all of you... and humbled. I'm so glad we have a place to talk about these things without people taking pot shots at us. :-)

It took a long time for mine to feel ok again. It took a couple of months for that feeling to go away. (It's still a delicate little princess that has to be handled carefully.)

@@BigViffer I still love ya, Dolly!

I started out wearing size 36 - I still have one pair of pants in that size. I used to put them on about once a week and run to the mirror just to see. Wearing size 16/18 these days, which isn't really all that small but I can buy clothes in a regular store now - big milestone for me. Nothing fits for long. Funny part is that my feet even shrunk. Isn't it kind of awesome to always have wardrobe issues because your clothes are just too big?

Just a few weeks out it's pretty normal to take little sips throughout the day and 2 or 3 bites of something several times a day. As you heal your stomach will relax a little bit and you'll be eating more substantial foods. You'll be spacing things out to 3 or 4 hours but the tiny meals 4 or 5 times a day are a fact of life for quite a while.

Hunger feels different for me than before WLS. It's extremely uncomfortable and becomes nauseating if I don't do something about fairly quickly. The good news is that I don't feel it very often through the day.

The top weight we ever actually caught on a scale was 449. My Dr insisted I get some info on WLS at that point. May 1, 2013 I weighed 449. Today I weighed 203. It can happen. :-) Still losing...

My BMI was 79.5. Hard to even think of that now.

"Normal" isn't the point so much as does this work you? I would drop dead if I tried to get my body to digest that much dairy and I hate deli meats. If I listed everything I eat daily you probably would roll your eyes. :-) Your weight loss is very good and you're getting Protein. How do you feel?

Reading stuff like this gives me the feeling someone took an excerpt from my journal and posted it... Seriously though, you're not alone. Most people feel this way before and even after surgery. It does eventually get easier. You do have a say in the outcome, your choices are going to determine your success. HUGS

I think it's more realistic to assume you'll be more comfortable with yourself and developing ways to deal with social situations (12 course meal - holy cow!). I've found people don't pay very much attention to what I'm not eating unless I draw attention to it. I found myself in restaurants constantly for a while there. I got into the habit of pushing food around and taking one bite of everything that looked good (read: good for me). My pouch still won't hold more than 4 - 6 ounces and I no longer give a fig about eating "normal" meals. This will get easier :-)

@@gabito LOL... I don't know if "controlled" is the word I would use. I think it's more accurate to think of it as a truce. The way I deal with it now wouldn't have worked in the beginning or even a year ago. It may become problematic in the future - my crystal ball broke and my husband won't buy me a new one so I really don't know. For now it works because I can stay on track and make good choices. My food issues come up when I obsess about what I MUST NOT or CANNOT have. They also come up when I'm not OK emotionally. Food isn't my real enemy, it never was. Food/BED was a symptom of my inability to cope or be real with myself and others. If I'm ok emotionally food is a non-issue most of the time. The road to getting to this place was painful but worth it.

I don't really consider any of my food choices "cheating". I still track everything I put in my mouth. I know what I need. It might help to think of your calorie goal as a budget. With my budget I have to buy so much Protein, so much fiber, so much Calcium, so much (healthy) fat, etc... If I get everything I need and want something indulgent AND have enough left over I go ahead. Otherwise I have to do it another day. It works out that I can have a bite of anything I want but beyond that it has to be paid for... we all learn different ways of coping with the monster. That's one of mine.

I'm so sorry you're having difficulties. BED sounds like a big, scary label to hang around your neck. You're not alone. Most people who have long-term issues with obesity that brings them to WLS could be or have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. We don't get here because we have healthy relationships with food or our bodies. It seems like you're a little trapped in the obsession/compulsion aspect of it right now. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Please don't beat yourself up over this. I think it might be helpful to look for some emotional support from loved ones, 12-step group or maybe people with whom you share spiritual beliefs. I hope you aren't feeling isolated and ashamed. I would disbelieve most accounts people give of their experience with this journey if they denied having to confront their addiction, more than once, before and after surgery. I haven't lately but it's there waiting for me if... If I knew you and your issues my desire to "mommy" everyone around me would kick in (another of my unresolved issues...lol) and I'd try to help. I wish I had some magic words for you. All I can tell you for sure is you ARE NOT ALONE. This isn't uncommon and doesn't have to define the rest of your journey. The self-sabotaging component of BED thinking is going to be whispering in your ear that you might as well give up, may as well go off the deep end since you already stopped being perfect etc. My guess is you're already dealing with feelings of shame and failure. Here's the part you should know: THAT'S ALL BULLS**T! This can be ok. This is resolvable. You have nothing to feel bad about. Most of us have been there whether we admit it or not. Perfection isn't attainable for any of us but success is. Relax, by naming it and talking about it you're already closer to figuring out what works for you. GOOD JOB! If I can be helpful please reach out to me. In fact, most here would be good to talk to. HUGS

I wasn't telling you a horror story to scare you or anyone else. I hope you find what you need to deal with the issues that are making this harder for you than it has to be. We have a lot of people in this place who certainly can relate - I know I can. It scares me every single time I see someone posting about not choosing (or able) to follow medical advice right after surgery. It's about more than weight loss/gain. It's serious and could turn a life into a statistic. I don't bash or scare people in general but this thread alarmed me and I want people who are new to WLS to understand the potential consequences right after surgery can be particularly grave. Almost everyone here is willing to be a source of encouragement and support, even me, but this thread made me think of how sad it was when the friend I spoke of died. She, too, talked about it being so hard and cheating just a little... Maybe if someone had just told her outright, "YOU COULD DIE" she would have thought twice and talked to a therapist or the Dr or someone... If I hurt your feelings I do humbly and deeply apologize. I wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. If I can offer you support in any way please reach out to me. Peace