RainbowOreo

I had surgery back in November, and I've been having a rough time adjusting mentally. My depression has gotten worse, my self injury has increased in both severity and frequency, and I think about suicide on a daily basis. But that's all old news. What's more concerning to me is that whenever I'm hungry or want food my first thought is always "You don't need it fat***" Now, usually, I'll think about whether or not to eat for a few minutes before deciding to go ahead and do it, but not always. I've skipped more than one meal this way. I think the worst part is that there is literally nothing I can do about it. I'm broke. No monies. None. I can't afford any kind of help and even if I could I have no car, and can't drive. And even if I did my mom would not allow me to go get help while I'm living with her, which I have to do because I'm 18, in my first year of college, have no money and no job. This is literally a completely hopeless situation and I don't know what to do.

And I spelled develop wrong. It's late ok?

It's weird, I'll be eating normally, and I'll feel fine, and then all of a sudden *BAM*, full to the point of pain. It doesn't help that I haven't quite worked out how much I should eat yet, and tend to put more food on my plate than I should. I don't try to finish the plate, I just try to eat till I feel full. But the problem is I don't feel full, I'll just be eating and then all of a sudden ohgodpain. I'll admit I sometimes eat a little faster than I should when I'm not paying attention, but it happens even when I chew till my jaw hurts. What can I dooooo?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11, and haven't taken any medication for it since, although I probably need it. I've been dealing with it ok by myself, but lately I think it's been getting worse. I've got NO energy (not really surprising, tbh), and absolutely no motivation. It's a herculean effort to get up and get ready in the morning, I can't pay attention in class, and forget about homework. I get headaches every day, all I ever want to do is sleep, and I've started getting leg cramps almost constantly. My suicidal thoughts have gotten worse, along with my cutting. And I haven't even lost 10 pounds! I can't go to a doctor. I'm 18 and live with my mom, who doesn't believe that mental illness is a real thing, and won't pay for any kind of treatment. I'm a college student with no job and no car. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for all the encouragement guys, I appreciate it. It's a nice contrast to what I get at home.

The only problem is, doctors and clinics cost money, which I don't have. I'm on mom's insurance, which doesn't cover mental health. I also can't afford for her to kick me out of the house. Which is highly probable, should she find out I'm cutting again. Last time she did I was 15, and she told me that she wouldn't "have that kind of shit in her house", and threatened to send me to live with my dad. Now that I'm 18 she can just kick me out, and there is literally no way I can support myself.

No, I went to Mexico. They didn't do any psyche evaluations.

Soo, I'm new here, and I just came by to say hi. My name is Christian. You can call me Chris, or Tian if you really want to. Call me whatever you want, although I might get offended if you call me "moron", "pickleweasle", or "mulch". I'm a Cancer, I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach and frisky women. Bonus points if you understood that reference. I'm 18 years old, single , and got sleeved a few days ago! Yay! I've lost almost 25 pounds since I started this thing a few weeks ago, and I can't wait to lose more! I'm also only about 6 days post-op, and my mom brought home a HUGE bag of my favorite BBQ potato chips. Must. Not. Eat.