bormannk

I am 42, mom of two amazing girls and recently became a grandma. I love the outdoors, to be active, swim and play sports. I am involved in Animal Rescue which makes me very happy as well.
But my life is not spent outdoors and as far as sports go, I may get to watch it, but not participate. With each LB, and with each passing year it becomes harder for me to do very basic things – like tie my shoes for example ( amongst many other things I will not mention here). But I will say that because of my weight I have developed such severe sleep apnea that I nearly chocked to death twice. Y’all – my weight almost killed me!

I have battled my weight since I was a baby – in fact, per my mom, I had to be put on a diet at 8 months old (no more cereal for little me)!
My mom and my sister were petit and thin, and I was more like my dad, strong build and a bit to the round side..
My nicknames growing up were references to my weight – sweet, funny and witty reminders that I was very heavy and loved chocolate... ( in my defense, we ALL loved chocolate…)
But jokes aside - my weight has defined who I am, what I do, where I go and how I feel for as long as I can remember – every major memory in my life starts with my weight at that time. Not only that is an awful for me, but my girls are learning that from me. My older daughter who’s happily married and has the life she always wanted, she suffers terribly with her weight, especially since the baby. It hurts my heart to know she learned that behavior with me.

I have been able to lose weight a few times over the years, some on my own, some with the old medical supervised diet treatment – AKA crack like pills, and some with WW, or fad diets, but the bottom line was – like a bad penny, it always comes back and usually brings along extra 30 to 40 lbs.
Despite my yo-yoing, I still used to be active - I was a restaurant manager for years, and whenever I didn’t work 80 hours I would either run, hike or be out and about with my girls. I maintained a 180-200 lbs. weight range (on a 5”4 height) At my heaviest I was about 216.

But then came the perfect storm of my life - I turned 40. I dropped the 80 hour a week high active job for an office job, where I mainly sit or stand, moved out of State and seemed that from one day to another I developed a thyroid deficiency along with another list of symptoms. I saw several doctors in search for an answer to my symptoms and major weight gain but I really think they were probably thinking to themselves – “what a quack. Stop eating lady!” I continued gaining, and at my heaviest I was 284.

After turning 40 losing weight, even on a diet and exercise program has proven to be extremely difficult, so I have been considering surgery for almost two years. Recently at a business lunch one of my customers who used to be pretty large mentioned she had lost over 120 Lbs after having a gastric sleeve procedure. After talking to her for a while I realize we had so much in common in how we saw ourselves, the lifestyle, the emotional eating… And it worked for her! That was the day I realize that the surgery may be for me. I have since done a lot of research and readying about the procedure, but when I ended up at the surgeon’s office with a dead gallbladder I realize I was done waiting. My insurance requires 6 months of supervised diet and I am on my second month. I have 4 to go.
I can’t really say if I am more excited or more scared about the surgery. Probably both. It’s not like I’ve never been thin before (for short periods of time) but I know losing weight does not make it all go away. I won’t wake up one day loving myself and feeling skinny.. I was a skinny girl with a fat mind -I felt fat on my lightest, at 140 lbs. So my fear is a several levels. But so is my excitement.
I know I have a long way to go, but more than anything I want to be able to be active again - play volleyball with my daughter, play with my grandson, go back to hiking and running, (not suffocating to death in my sleep) and most of all I want to be healthy for as long as I can!