KittyChick

Has anyone experienced a good friend distancing themselves from you after your weight loss? A little background- I consider myself a feminist and most definitely a "girl's girl". My relationships with women have enriched my life more than anything else and I deeply value my friendships. I don't want this thread polluted with "women are catty b****es" messages please, because I do NOT believe that stereotype to be true and I think it's simplistic and degrading. The vast majority of my lady friends have been supportive of my 107lb weight loss. And ALL of them (except one) are thin/normal weight. ​HOWEVER, the person I considered my "best" friend seems to be shutting me out of her life and it is incredibly painful and not at all something I anticipated. This is a normal size friend. She's not plus sized and never has been. She's probably a size 8 or 10. At the beginning of my WLS journey, she was uber supportive. However these last 6 months, as I've gotten under 200lbs finally, she's majorly distanced herself from me and begun to exclude me almost entirely from social events. I've been hitting the gym very, very hard (3 cardio days and 3 weight training days a week) lately and although the scale hasn't moved a lot since the beginning of the year, I've lost a lot of inches and my face has shrunk a lot. Well consequently, when we go out now, I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. Men buy me drinks, aggressively flirt with me, etc. None of it solicited, mind you...and nothing I think I'll ever get used to either. One night about 5 months ago, we were leaving happy hour (after I exchanged numbers with a guy who was chatting me up) and she said to me "Why don't men ever talk to me?" in a super hostile, accusatory tone of voice. I didn't know what to say... so I kinda brushed it off and changed the subject. Well ever since then, I barely see her. We used to spend every weekend doing something social and now, via Facebook, I see that she is having the adventures WE used to share with others- without so much as an invite to me. It hurts a lot. I've racked my brain trying to think of what else could be driving this but I can't think of anything. I've asked my other friends (casually) if they think I've "changed" and they're effusive with praise about my progress and the state of our friendships. They insist I'm still the same, just happier and more fit. They're proud of me and say it all the time- which makes her shunning of me that much more profound & conspicuous. Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? I've only been best friends with this woman since she moved here two years ago so it's not like I've known her since childhood or anything but we were really, really close when I was fat. This hurts my heart, but it has seriously pissed me the hell off too. Sometimes I want to confront her angrily and other times I just want to say "eff it" and focus on all my supportive friends....I don't know what to do. Advice?

I appreciate everyone's advice and thoughtful responses. I spent some time with my friend the day AFTER I posted this and we had a great time together. Her birthday was last week, so I brought her a gift and we laughed and talked with comfort and ease. It was really nice. I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up my "suspicions" so I didn't. However, this little meet up happened at her place and not in public which probably helped the dynamic. Instead of the parties & happy hours we used to frequent (which are full of men), maybe more private environments are best for our relationship right now. All we can do is wait & see I guess. I'm hopeful we can get our friendship back to where it was though.

Very true and I appreciate your feedback. I shouldn't be the one feeling "bad" or guilty. I think what adds insult to injury is the fact that she has been actively looking for a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. She hasn't had a relationship in a long time and is a serial online dater. When we first met, I was in a 2yr relationship with a guy but broke it off. Since my surgery a year and a half ago I have not dated. The gym is my boyfriend. And despite all the attention from men, I'm not looking to date. I'm ferociously, shamelessly working on ME. So, I'm not doing any online dating or actively trying to meet ANY men. And while I will chat with guys when we're out, I usually reject any advances to date or get serious. It's very possible that men throwing themselves at me and me rejecting them is an annoyance to her. Here she is actively looking but can't find a guy while I'm actively NOT looking and they're giving me all the (unwanted) attention. What a nice thing to say. Thank you for the kind words. I really AM proud of me. That's what makes this so hard. I want her to be proud too. I don't want to compete with her....or ANY women. That's not who I am fundamentally. I didn't *think* that's who she was either but I guess we don't always know people the way we think we do.

Wow, how terrible that your "friend" is so invested in getting her ego boosts from being "prettier" than you. What a sad, shallow existence. I hate stories like this. You don't deserve that. You're absolutely right that surrounding yourself with positive people is a healthy habit...the same way eating well and exercising is. I honestly don't take any comfort in being "the pretty one" now. I just want my friend back. I now have to come to terms with the fact that this relationship will likely always be fractured as long as I'm fit. It's a horrible feeling because I am so much happier with myself and so much more satisfied with life. I want to share that joy. I have worked SO hard for this and made so many sacrifices to lose this weight. I want the people I care about to be just as thrilled as I am.

This is what I'm leaning toward- not confronting her or saying anything at all. I'm an emotional person who can cry at the drop of a hat and I kinda don't trust myself to keep my cool. I am *so* uncompetitive with other women that it's hard for me to believe that she possibly sees me as some kind of threat. When she asked "why aren't men talking to ME?" I was flabbergasted and immediately felt guilty for getting attention. When I was big, we would go out and both be pretty much ignored by men TOGETHER. Maybe that helped endear me to her at the beginning? I think that since this isn't the case anymore she feels isolated or invisible. I feel tremendous compassion for her over that. But I haven't become any less of a good friend to her. And I can't go back to being 285lbs so she feels better about herself.

Hi again y'all! Hit my one year surgi-versary on Wednesday & I'm now down 100lbs! Feels surreal. This hasn't been easy but I'm thrilled with my progress thus far.

@@BitterSweet* - The insurance thing definitely makes sense! BUT I self-paid at a doctor in Mexico who isn't part of the ridiculous bureaucracy that permeates the US health system. But oh well, I guess the lesson is- you suffer either way- in the states AND out.

@@Koofka I'm glad you're ok. Scary post though because I think this is what's happening to me right now. My insurance doesn't kick in until Oct 1st though so I am suffering through it until then. It's really upsetting. Were both your sleeve and gallbladder surgery done laparoscopically?

@Nicolanz- were both your sleeve and your gallbladder surgery done laparoscopically?

My doctor also does not remove them if they're free of stones which is a shame because I'm reading that people who lose weight quickly (especially surgery patients) are at huge, HUGE risk for gallstones. I read somewhere that 50% of weight loss surgery patients end up developing them! My surgery was in January and I was fine until about two weeks ago. But I've started having hugely painful attacks- always after eating. I'm 99% sure it's gallstones and/or pancreatitis (byproduct of gallstones) because ALL of the symptoms I'm reading up on fit to a "T" what I've been experiencing. It's excruciating. Upper abdominal pain, severe back pain, cold sweats, nausea, rapid heart rate...and it all hurts worse when trying to lie down. Sadly, I'm uninsured until Oct 1st and can't get anything checked out until then. It's been awful and I'm upset at my surgeon for not being proactive & just taking the gallbladder out when my sleeve was done. I am very afraid I'll have to have open surgery (much more pain & longer hospital stay/recovery) to remove the gallbladder because all my reading says sometimes Dr's don't want to do a second laparoscopic surgery on patients who've "recently" undergone one. My sleeve will be 9 months old at that point so I'm not really sure if that will exclude me from having another laparoscopic surgery or not, but I'm scared nonetheless. Anyway @@readyforitnow, if I had it to do all over again, I would BEG my surgeon to take out my gallbladder. My advice is to do the same if you haven't had your surgery yet. Best of luck.

I'm having an odd time adjusting to all the new found attention & "admiration" from strangers now that I've lost weight & was just wondering how everyone else is dealing with this mindf**k. Reflecting back on 77 lbs ago, I really felt transparent. I feel so "visible" now. I don't know how to put this into words without sounding like a narcissist- (trust me, I'm not) but people DO look now. Often for what seems like a prolonged amount of time. I'm more self aware than ever & definitely don't feel like I'm imagining this. When I was fatter, I was mostly left alone. I *never* felt stared at. Men didn't chat me up randomly in public the way they do now. Their faces didn't light up when they looked at me. I vacillate between pride & annoyance most days. Pride because I spend hours upon hours in the gym now & eat healthfully and I've worked HARD to get this weight off. Annoyance because of how superficial this world is...most of the people who lavish attention upon me now wouldn't have glanced my way 77 lbs ago. I was a beautiful person then. Or at least I feel like I was. It's weird. I'm happy with who I'm becoming, but I mourn for the fat girl who was treated as disposable and unworthy by everyone else. She was beautiful, loving, generous, and kind and she deserved better.

@@CTRose1160 Aww congrats on your life accomplishments & marriage. What a wonderful story. I agree about the compliments. It's hard to hear them because even though I've passed the halfway mark, I still feel like I have a LONG way to go & my body doesn't look anywhere near the way I want it to. Learning to say "thank you" instead of "OMG but I'm still SO FAT!" is tough. And yeah...the men thing is confounding. Some of them are just so stinkin enthusiastic in their interactions with me...it's actually very grating sometimes. In my mind I'm saying "why the hell is this clown so damn cheery and cheesy?" I find myself thinking... "is this what skinny cute girls have had to deal with their whole lives? YIKES!" I can admit that sometimes I DO enjoy the increased attention. Other times though, it really does make me genuinely sad. This kind of enthusiasm & praise would have done me a lot of good when I was struggling at 285 lbs. Seeing a glimmer in a man's eye would have been REALLY nice back then.

@@MichiganChic Thank you for the kind words. I also wasn't positive when I was fat(ter) that I was being treated shoddily because of my weight but yes, as I've lost it, I'm absolutely sure now. And I was always seen as "high-maintenance"- even at my fattest I was very into make up, nail polish, and fashion. It's not like I was walking around in dirty sweat pants and a rag on my head back then! But still, the reactions/treatment from people is completely different. It's jarring.

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