HannahD

It was a delicious donut. And I do not regret this donut. But the good angel on my shoulder is tsk tsking me and I feel like I need to confess this. It had hot pink and orange sprinkles, OK?

I've had the restraint of a monk lately, and today was one of our big holiday events, and damnit, I was eating that donut. Hilariously enough, I have pre-operative nutrition class tonight! But yeah, I've been super freaked out and like "I'm going to do something wrong and they're not going to let me have the surgery!" and my mom was like "You need to chill."

I have tried nearly every "Diet" meal on the planet, and these actually TASTE like food. I was shocked. The Chili con Carne is actually pretty good too. The Italian-style Pasta bake was OK, but lately pasta's been doing weird things to my blood sugar.

I'm pre-op and trying to get my weight down before the main event. The shakes are not even in the equation at this point because I REFUSE to choke down another until I absolutely have to, so I'm still getting all of my nutrition from food. When I was yo-yo dieting like damned fool, I did atkins for a little while and felt like death. But I took someone on here's advice and did the 50/30/20 rule with my food and kept to the calorie count my nutritionist recommended. It had been hit or miss because I suck at Breakfast and I have to use the office kitchen to make lunch, but these have been a lifesaver. I had the steak scramble this morning that was delicious and so filling I didn't need my mid-morning snack. And the chicken marsala I had for lunch was so good I want to track down a recipe to make at home.

It's comforting to know there will be things that are yummy that I can eat after the fact too!

So last night on my way home from work I was HUNGRY. I mean. HONGRAY. And It was Stephen King level foggy. And I was grumpy because my boss cheesed me off. And I wanted a pizza more than anything ever. I could taste it. It was beckoning to me. BUT. I didn't. I reasoned, if I had pizza, I could not have an ice cream (skinny cow) after dinner. And as always, Ice Cream wins.

I wanted to jokingly plead the fifth.

The doctor doing the evaluation was actually a friend of my therapist's, so that was kinda cool. My insurance covered most of it, which shocked me. I got good scores on everything and was super amused to see one of the categories was how likely I was to take legal action after surgery. C'est la vie, as they say.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this thread. I'm Pre-op and absolutely terrified sometimes. Like I'm fixin' to open one hell of a Pandora's box and I need to be ready for it. I have the same Mommy/Daddy issues I think most people have at this point. From co-dependency and disordered eating and self-harm. I've been there. I've done it. I've worked very hard and still work very hard to come back from it. I'm not interested in getting skinny. And if my doc had never put me on blood pressure meds and threatened cholesterol meds and if my beloved niece hadn't looked at me with her big doe eyes and asked if I was ok when I was wheezing and out of breath, I would never have made this choice. I am an adorable fat girl. I am unfortunately not a very healthy fat girl. And food has been my best lover/friend/companion for a LONG TIME. And part of it feels like getting a divorce from it. Or at least a separation. And on a certain level, it HURTS. I know this coping mechanism isn't doing me any favors and the time's come to let it go, but man. My therapist and I have been working on the mantra "Food is fuel and nothing more" to get me in a good head space. But thank you for making me feel less alone.

I used google calendar and put everything i planned for the week and reminders to cook certain foods the night before and what have you.

Stress eating and bad food decisions born of poor planning are my biggest challenges, so I've made a meal plan for the week ahead, down to mid-morning and afternoon Snacks (I'm going Hobbit style and referring to the former as Second Breakfast). I was worrying myself something fierce about the Protein shakes and my complete inability to choke them down, but I'm focusing on just eating healthy for right now and then when liquid diet comes, I'll muscle through. My Mom had the bypass and she assured me that the liquids are such a short phase and will be over before I know it! The Protein Shakes aren't forever, but the healthy eating is, so that's what I'm choosing to devote my energy to. I've recruited my sister in law to come exercise with me, because she's been wanting to hit the gym and she can come as my guest. And I'll let myself down at the drop of a hat, but I hate letting my sister in law down so it'll keep me on track and going.

Two years ago, my brother and his wife had their fourth baby and only girl. She's pretty much the center of my universe and I love her more than anything. Not to mention, that the oldest three boys were getting to the age where trips to Chuck E cheese and Kangarooz were fun and not frequent diaper changes and meltdowns. So I'm all excited to super Aunt, but then I have no energy. I can't walk around the mall or museums or airports without getting out of breath and my legs hurting. And I remembered not being able to go places with my grandmother because she would get out of breath and couldn't walk. Not to mention I'd been put on high blood pressure meds and was paying out the wazoo for cute clothes. So I made the choice to do something about it. And I realized I'd made the right one when this Halloween we were trick or treating and I got winded and had to stop and sit for a second and my niece asked me "Are you Ok, Ina?" I could have cried.

My dear friend got the sleeve done almost two years ago, and my mom is getting a RNY in the next two weeks. I'm getting a lot of good first hand info from them, but I have so many emotions and craziness. I'm 29, and I started chubbing out as a preteen. Puberty was not kind and being the first girl in sixth grade to get your boobs and your butt in gave me a huge complex. Add that we were dirt poor (but not dirt poor enough for assistance) and had a shaky food situation at home. My free lunch at school was sometimes my only meal of the day and it was nutritionally suspect. Those times when we did have money to spare, we ate pizza or got ice cream because Mom couldn't take us to disney world or the movies, but by george, she could order us a pizza. I lost some weight around 23-24 and got down to a 14! But no one tells you about that weird stuff that happens to your body around 25 or so when everything starts progressively slowing down. They tell you to fear 30, but leave out 25! Then I got a new job that involved WAY more sitting and WAY more stress and have just ballooned. I'm 268 depending on the scale. I really and truly believe in the Healthy at every size movement, but I know this size isn't healthy for me. I've already started blood pressure meds and I've gotten a stern talking to about my cholesterol. My grandmother was heavy most of her life and in her last years dealt with diabetes complications, kidney failure and a laundry list of pills. And I simply cannot do that. And I try to be good when it comes to diet and exercise, but I get derailed when it's like all this torment and NOTHING changes and it's like "Is this my next 40 years?". So this is something to help me get to that light at the end of the tunnel, I guess. Gosh, I am wordy tonight. tl;dr: HI!

Initial consult went super well. The surgeon and I graduated from the same university, so there was instant bonding. My BMI is 50.4, and he said that made me Super Obese. I asked if I could have a cape, but he said no. I got my psych evaluation set up for next week. And apparently $500 is actually a good deal, but my brain is still reeling from that one. Moving forward! I let my supervisor, my Hr lady and a few other important work folks know what's coming down the pike so they can expect me to be out for a bit and we can plan ahead for all that stuff that will inevitably explode in my absence. I'm excited, but also terrified. And I keep screwing up on my diet. But, I told myself to go ahead and have thanksgiving and then, having got that out of the way, put my nose to the stone and keep on the wagon.

Thank you for those! I really appreciate it. I'm a writer by hobby, so I've been thinking of various ways to catalog this whole process. My brain is just on fire with a million different things.