bonniefide

So... I started the process over a year ago by going to a bariatric seminar at Mt. Carmel. (Mt. Carmel, OSU, and Riverside all have you go to an information session.) They give you all the facts, and basically freak you out, so I did nothing and thought I'd try it again on my own! (PLUS, it was $500 up front to even "apply" to get the surgery... not a copay, but a fee just for the program!)

I tried weight watchers for the millionth time and my doctor even had me do this diet using a hormone called HCG. It worked, but it was super hard. You take this hormone and eat 800 calories per day. I lost 40 lbs. Obviously, when I went off of it, I gained the 40 back and then some. At that point, I started to be in pain a lot. Knee pain, hip pain, and foot pain. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I finally started the process and actually applied for the surgery in March.

Thankfully, the job I'm in has good insurance that covered 90%. (My copay was a little over $500... that didn't include the $500 from before. EEK.) I can't speak for every place you go, but at Mt. Carmel in Columbus, I had to get a sleep study, a pulmonary evaluation (lungs), and a psych evaluation. I also had to do a 6 month diet, which was part of my insurance requirements.

On paper, I was/am totally healthy. The problem was that I was in such constant pain that I just couldn't STAND BEING FAT anymore! It physically hurt. I got to the point where it wasn't about being "skinny"... I just wanted to feel good about myself, not be sick all the time, and not be in pain all the time. At the same time, I felt ashamed that I even let myself get to 300 lbs... I should've been able to take the weight off on my own... resorting to surgery means I failed. I'm trying to be open about it now and not hide it. Originally, I wasn't going to post anything about it on Facebook or tell many people, but then I felt like if I hid it, it was like I did something bad or wrong.... but I wasn't bad or wrong... I'm just addicted to food. I decided to share to hold myself accountable and not let myself or others make me feel ashamed.

Some people were supportive, but a lot of people weren't. Their instant reactions were, "Well, you know, you can't keep eating the way you eat now or you'll stretch your stomach out and you'll be back to where you are now." DUHHH. That's the point! It was like they didn't have one ounce of faith in me. So, that was really eye-opening and it hurt a lot. I do have one positive friend who has been a great support and hasn't lost faith - thank God for her!

After I got out of the hospital it was SOOO HARD to just be on the couch and home and not eat... I always ate because I was sick or bored or whatever... and here I was, sick and bored and I couldn't snack! AHHH! Plus, i was detoxing from caffeine and sugar, so I was basically freaking the hell out. LOL. I felt hungry… In my mind, I was legitimately hungry. But, it was just head-hunger. And THAT is the beast I am wrestling with now - Trying to realize head-hunger and actual, physical hunger. I honestly didn’t have that much pain. Don’t get me wrong, I was sore, but I actually felt more sore when I had my gallbladder out. I was one of those people that really didn’t let myself get that hungry, so it’s like I have to learn what that is like to be hungry and how to cope with it.

Growing up, it was like: I’m happy, let’s eat!; We had a bad day, let’s treat ourselves!; I’m getting together with the girls for dinner!; I’m bored, what can I eat? It never ended. I have to relearn everything I’ve done my whole life. I know that will be the hardest part… but dangit, I really want to prove that I can do it and be proud of myself!

While I was detoxing and freaking out, i was like, "what did i do to myself?!?!" But now, I know as I keep losing the weight, I know I will be kicking myself for not doing it sooner. My mom is turning 70 and she STILL keeps joining weight watchers to try and lose weight. (She's been around a size 22 forever.) That was my motivator... I don't want to be 70 and still be fighting this battle. I didn't even want to hit 40 and still be fighting it. 20 years was more than enough!

There is my long story... I hope it wasn't TOOOO long and I hope it helps anyone new out there!