want_so_bad

last week i started getting sick and couldnt eat or drink. over the weekend it got to the point i couldnt swallow my spit. monday i went to the doctor and had a complete unfill. have to stay empty for a month. i have never needed to take anything for heartburn/acid reflux. after my last fill i was really tight. belly juice ended up irritating things to the point i was basically swollen shut. i felt almost instant relief when they pulled the Fluid.

i am having the hardest time being empty. all i can think of are all the things i havent eaten for the past 10 months that i could eat now. burgers, pizza, chinese, bread. i thought i had a better grip on my head then this! even on the way home from the doctor's office i was losing my mind. now its been a few days and i have had some slips, to say the least.

this week is our county fair. we are so busy running around and we dont home until late. we have been eating in town or at the fair. and i making the stupidest choices. then i go home and cry. i once again have fallen into my whole "well, i screwed up today so might as continue and start again tomorrow" mode. i was doing so much better with that. and i find myself just mindless eating.

today i seem better though. i attribute that to being able to take my antidepressant again. those days i couldnt get anything down i couldnt take it. and i just realized last night i hadnt started again. so i took one last night and can already notice the difference in my appetite and mind set. today i have done much better not eating crap all day. i had a string cheese for a morning snack and then i ate the meat/cheese off a sandwich. i am sitting here just pissy though because i know i ate prolly 3 times more of the sandwich fillings then i normally would/should.

i was thinking of taking an appetite supressant until i can get filled again, but dont know if i really want to start down that road again either.

i am just having a much harder time then i thought i would and it makes me feel weak! like i am so pathetic i cant control myself any better then this for a month! i mean, come on now, a month! i dont know what to do with myself.... i need a good kick in the buttocks, maybe a slap or two to the face to snap me out of this crap i am in!

way to go banster! 8 1/2 lbs! thats awesome. but why cant you eat? is your band too tight? are you still sick? i hope you are feeling better. i know i am! well, sort of...

i am being so flipping stupid. eating crap i shouldnt! this week has just been crazy with the county fair going on. we are super busy, running all the time and dont get home until late. then my son's lamb was dq'ed from the fair. it caused a bunch of drama and i have been worked up and upset and furious for days. i wanted to kick some people's butt's for making my baby cry! jerks!

anyway, we havent been getting home until late and we eat in town at the fair and i have been making bad decisions with a capital "B"! and then i go home and cry because i am being so stupid. i started doing the whole, well, i screwed up today so i might as keep going and just start over tomorrow. why the hell am i doing this? i thought i was past that. i thought i had this head crap under somewhat of control.

i have to get my head back under control before i end up gaining a ton before i can get refilled! i mean how stupid can i be? after losing what i have and coming so far, why am i gonna screw it up for a month and then just have that much more to lose once i get filled again.

today's goal is to keep my self in check. i brought string cheese and yogurt to work. i have my Water and crystal light and my lemon juice and my gum. i can do this.

one of the only people who know i had this done keeps telling me to just think like i am filled stlil. think to myself....oh god, i dont even want to try that because last time it got stuck... or something along those lines. i kinda half assed that, but then was like, omg-i havent eat bla bla bla for almost a year now. and i just wanna taste.... yeah well, that would be all well and good if one bite is where it stopped!

hope you are feeling better and able to eat something bandster!

ugh, i had a hell of a weekend. so friday i posted how i wasnt feeling well and couldnt keep Water down. friday evening it continued to get worse and i had the worst heartburn i have ever had in my life. nothing i took or did helped it. by friday night i was ready to go to the hospital. i thought something was seriously wrong. i hurt into my back and shoulders, and omg, i cant even explain how bad it hurt!

sat i couldnt drink anything. nothing. could barely swallow my own spit. sunday was the same way. sunday we were helping hay so that means outside in the hot hot weather all day. i would take a drink of Water, just hold it in my mouth and then spit it out. sunday evening i felt so ill. i was lighthead and couldnt focus. during the night i woke up gaggin on Fluid. almost like i had vomitted in my sleep. that happened twice and then i vomitted some black pastey stuff. it was gross!

so yesterday i called the doc. he had me come in for an emergency visit. they did a complete unfill and i have to stay unfilled for a month, then go back. he said that being so close to goal i had my band perty tight. but i also had not taken any sort of antacid or anything. he thinks that i just had a build up of acid and it irritated things to the point that even though i had started taking stuff it was just too late.

i felt almost instant relief when he pulled the Fluid. i could drink right away. it was still a weird feeling though.

so now my goal is to really really be on top of it this next month. i dont want to gain any weight back! i am going to continue to eat and measure my food just like i was. record my calories, workout. basically try to forget that i am empty

check-in from yesterday: 117 calories (465 minus days activities) and 18g Protein. i was sick yesterday and couldnt keep much down most the day. barely even fluids, it was was not fun. i was so thirsty but even sipping Water would make me vomit. there is a bug going around and i think i have it! i feel a little better today, but taking it slow. being sick yesterday has irritated my belly like no other and i am super tight today. even small sips of Water take time going through.

bandster-hope you are doing ok. you sounded like bad shape.

bandster-congrats on the 2lbs! wtg! and i lost another one too! and congrats w/ the new clothes. i need to get some new pants too. i have ordered a shirt here or there online from oldnavy. i order clothes for my daughter there too. they have great clearance stuff for her a lot of time. i always check their clearance sales first, for me too.

i hate being sick! i feel for ya. get plenty of rest so you get better fast.

yesterday's check-in stats are: 604 calories (999 gross minues the days activities and workout), 21 g Protein.

so i have been staying perty active. this next week and half is gonna be crazy with fair and everything we have to do. but its a good thing. and i am so excited, my horse was a good boy for the farrier last night. usually he is a butt to shoe, but last night he stood like a gentleman! so i can get to riding him again. that burns the hell outta the calories! talk about workout. i am hoping to get a sitter for the kids and me and the hubby take a couple of the horses out in the hills for a ride this weekend. but i dont know if we will or not.

bandster- i know exactly what you mean about the picture! my mother in law brought over some pic's she had of us and i was in a few and thought, omgoodness! i dont look huge. and i almost thought i looked pretty. HUGE difference to my usual reaction to my own photgraph! strange things are happening! lol

so where is everyone?

well, my calories for yesterday were: 1107, and Protein was: 21.

i got a step counter thingie majig. according to it i walked a total of 6228 steps or 2.94 miles. that was just between 8 and 5. i wore it at work to see how much i get up and move around. so that is perty good. according to the little book that came with it a good daily goal is 10,000. i am almost positive i would have hit that. after work we had 4-H so that meant walking the lamb, chasing the baby, helping other kids w/ their lambs, etc.

i hope everyone is ok. bandster, did you weigh in the other night? i hope this thread doesnt die, it has really helped me! i dont want to be posting here by myself!

so my calorie count for yesterday was...wait for it....557! and Protein was 10. yeah, not so great i know. i just wasnt hungry, and when i did eat it was a bite or two and i was stuffed.

i have been doing perty good about the cardio, but hit and miss with the strength training. i am going to make a better effort this week at doing that.

things at home are just super busy right now. we are getting ready for fair, so we have something going on almost every night for the next 2 weeks. getting the lamb ready (one of them died last sat, damn thing!). getting record books ready, preparing for judging, decorating pens, and it goes on and on. but its a good time too. the boys are excited.

kinda sucks though...fair means funnell cakes and curly fries and Peanut Butter balls. damn them all!

i havent figured my calories from yesterday yet, but am going to and then i will post it. i also didnt do a conventional "workout" but i did chase the baby around at 4-H. wonder how many calories that burned? i am still really tight, maybe the fill just finally kicked in?

i have 3 kids. a 9 year old son, an 8 year old son, and the baby girl is 17 months old! the boys are 10 months to the day apart...so pretty much like having twins. just so noone thinks i am crazy, the older one is my stepson. we just dont make the distinction. we have full custody of him. so we have a his, a mine, and an ours. i guess my daughter really isnt much of a baby anymore, but she is my baby still! very spoiled! by everyone. she is the baby for everyone, aunts and uncles and grandparents. before her the last baby in the families was 7 years before. so yeah, EVERYONE spoils her! my older boy has some behavioral problems/emotional issues and is hard to deal with. his mom died 3 years ago come sept. and just when i think things are getting better he backslides like 10 steps. its very hard. there was a time i didnt think our marriage was gonna make it, but we are working on it and things are getting better. its a daily struggle. i have no doubt i am a good mom to my son and my daughter, but sometimes i doubt myself when it comes to him. and that makes me sad. he has made me into a person i never thought i could be, and i hate it. i struggle with it on a daily basis.

how did your weigh in go last night? cant wait to hear!

this past saturday i went out had a few too many to drink. i usually dont drink so this was my first experience being drunk w/ the band.

so here is my thing-sunday morning i was only a little sick. woke up, kinda dizzy and a headache, took something for it and slept some more. woke up just really tired, but no aweful hangover!

thing is, now i am tight. like couldnt eat anything solid tight yesterday. i figured this was prolly cuz i had gotten sick the night before. lunch today rolls around and i ate maybe 4 small bites of lunch meat (in a salad). thats it, all she wrote, nothing else going in. i had the aweful pain and slimed for a bit.

(oh, and i also want to be sure to mention that i had a fill a week and a half ago. i noticed a difference, but not much from previous fill amount)

so, i am kinda wondering what is going on. did my fill just take a while to kick in. it did before with the second fill. or was it from the alcohol? anyone else ever experience this?

and i lost a pound! could not believe it, but its great. i have been stuck for ages and finally.....

i am determined to keep it up. i dont want this to be some fluke and put it back on right away!

have a happy day!

i had a relatively good weekend. just hung out at home and did some housework and laundry and played with the kids.

i went out for the first time in ages saturday night with my husbands brother and wife. their cousins came and some friends of ours. my husband works out of town so i was a loner. i am not a drinker by any means. a few times a year at the most. saturday night was one of those. omg, i have not been that intoxicated for a very long time! i had so much fun! we just played darts and hung out. closed down the bar and went for Breakfast. i spent most of that time in the bathroom, sick. and then asleep at the table! didnt even have to worry about eating.

so i didnt track my calories saturday. i am gonna check the calorie content of vodka and cranberry juice on dailyplate. i did do my stregth training though! as far as calories yesterday, this is just a guess, but i am betting no more then 500. i was so tight i could barely get Water and coffee down! i wonder if that is because of the alcohol? this was my first time drinking more then just one since being banded. i didnt workout either. i spent most the day just being lazy, recovering. did manage to do a few loads of laundry, think that counts for much? lol.

.

yesterday's total's:

1) 882 net calories, 44 Protein

2) rode bike pulling daughter approx. 40 minutes

ugh, am i having a morning! woke up late, had to rush rush myself and the kids to be ready . i ended up being 10 minutes late. i just feel like crap.

bandster- i am never online on the weekends. we dont have interent at home, so i will be mia on the weekends. good job yesterday. i pity you with the Migraine. i get them too and they lay me out, let me tell ya. the last one i had the relpax didnt even touch! i laid on the couch and my youngest son help me take care of the baby! thank goodness for him. sounds like a fun weekend for you!

do you think she was being honest? i mean, 21 bars? even my husband, who can really put ice cream away, doenst eat many in a sitting. sure, he can polish off six or seven, whatever is in a single box, but 21? that just blows my mind!

and how do you do that without getting gut splitting ill? just thinking about trying to eat that much makes me sick!

good lord, i know i have my demons i wrestle with and i have bad days, but wow, she has issues!

i so dont want to post this, but since this thread is about being accountable, i must...

i had a bad night. i got off late from work. had to run an errand, get fuel. i was runnin behind and the guy was waiting at my house to weigh the boy's 4-h lambs. so then i was late picking up the baby from daycare. finally got home, had dinner. i did good here. had chicken breast and salad. didnt go for my walk/ride...got busy outside irrigating and watering my lawn. then had to give the baby a bath. i wasnt feeling well so i just kinda hung around with the kids. got the baby to sleep.

this is were i tanked it. i had some Cookies and milk! what the hey was i thinking? then a couple bites of popcorn. and as i was doing it i was mad at myself, but just did it anyways.

so my calories for yesterday were horrible! goodness this is embarassing... but here goes....1620. i just wanna cry seeing that!

but today is a new day and i am good again.

bandster--my husband works a week on, a week off. for his week on he works out of town. i totally understand the being lonely thing. i find myself eating at night when he is gone. like its a replacement for him or something. i have been really trying to stay busy to stop myself. i stay outside as much as i can. if i am not in the house i do better.

hope you are having a good day. and thanks for the quotes of the day... i like those!

my quote for the day..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming", by Dory the fish

my issues are more like trying to figure out why i have been sabatoging myself. i know what to do to be successful. i will be doing great for days, even weeks and then, bam, start eating crap, dont work out. i never slip enough to gain, but enough so i just maintain.

i think it has been for a few different reasons. it scares me to think of myself at goal. i have tried to lose weight for so long! holy crap, now what do i do, ya know? i am the big one. that is me. what do i do now that i am not? what if i dont like what i am when i get to goal? what if i still cringe when i look in the mirror (i know i will until the Tummy Tuck and boobie lift and augmentation).

i think i have worked through most of these. well, i am working on it. a few people have mentioned that if i dont like what i see when i get to goal, i can change my goal. easy enough, right? lose more or, like one crazy person suggested, gain it back!

my hubby and i made a deal about getting the tummy tuck faster then i had planned, so its just a matter of me reaching goal and maintaining until march. the faster i reach goal, the better. that has been the kick in the butt i needed. since making that deal i have eaten better and have exercised each day.

now i think to myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING? get your butt to goal--just do it! stop this stupidness (is that a word?? lol) right this minute.

i still have moments i slip, i think that will just be a life long battle...once a fat girl...

bandster--good job yesterday! keep up the good work. and yeah, this last 20 is SO flippin hard. plus i have some weird mental stuff working against me, so that just makes it harder. almost like i am scared of getting to goal. but i think i have worked through that and am ready now.

so progress report for yesterday:

1) 845 calories, 45 grams Protein (actual calories were 1263, but then minus the calories burned w/ exercise its the 845. i need to be more careful!)

2) rode bike w/ schwinn wagon attached pulling daughter for a little over 30 minutes

luluc---i wish i were more like you and diligent about it all! but i cant dwell on messing up lately, just focus on doing good again!

coo--i hope you find what motivation and support you need here.

bandster-how/where do you track your calories? i am using thedailyplate and like it. they also have it so you can put in what exercise you did for the day.

i was thinkin that maybe i would lower my exercise goal but then i changed my mind. i want to lose this 20lbs! when i get to where an hour a day is comfortable, i am gonna up it!

and oh, i have to share...last night, during my walk...i actually jogged for a little ways. it felt great and i was so happy. it was so weird for me! as i was walkin, I WANTED to jog. WANTED TO! can you believe that?

bandster-its smart for you to start with what you know you can do. you dont want to burn out and then stop, ya know?

i do silly little things through the day as well. like in the mornings, as i dry my hair, i do squats and standing leg lifts. or, when my office is empty i will do lunges from the front counter back to my desk and then do 5 squats before i sit in my chair. now by no means to i do this every day, but here and there. i am gonna put more effort into it. every little bit helps, right?

i have been stuck in a damn rut for months now. i have been making bad food choices. i dont exercise. i will do good for a week or so and then, bam, its like i hit a wall and fall back into cheating myself. stupid stupid. but i have a new deal going with my hubby and i HAVE to get 20 lbs off ASAP, like yesterday! so i am game to post every day here with you, support each other, bitch and moan and cheer each other on.

my goals:

1) 1000 calories a day. (what thedailyplate says i need to eat in order to lose 2.5 lbs a week. well, not the exact number, they say a little more...)

2) a minimum of 1 hour exercise each day. 1/2 hour weights in the am before i get ready for work (alternating legs one day, arms the next) and a minimum of 1/2 hour in evenings (walking, riding bike with kids, riding horses, lawn work)

so those seem like good places for me to start. i have to get out of the "tomorrow" phase. "i will workout...starting tomorrow", "i will eat better...tomorrow" well now tomorrow is today and i havent made much progress.

i look forward to helpin each other out! good luck!

everything you are feeling is totally normal. most of us, including me, feel exactly the same way at times. you are probably feeling this more so bc you are approaching your goal. are you sabotaging yourself? are you afraid of something? so you had a set back for a few days. but you've also done damn great losing 45 lbs!!! so tomorrow when you wake up, tell yourself it's a brand new day and a brand new start. you can and you will do it!

YES! i know i am sabotaging myself. without a doubt in my mind. its the whole idea of being that close to goal. i know that just sounds stupid. it sounds stupid to my own ears when i hear myself saying. but thats it. its SCARY to think i am just 20lbs away from what i have wanted for so long! i guess part of me worries about what i am going to look like when in get there. what if i still hate my body. silly thing is, i know i wont be happy until after the Tummy Tuck. things are just not going back to where they should be. oh, and the breast lift and augmentation. need that for sure too.

it is that time of the month and i am just bitchy and moody and feel like crap in general. i want to cry and scream and sleep. i dont really have anyone to boo-hoo to so i thought i would here in hopes of someone else having been through these feelings and finding a way to work through it.

i have been on a self-induced plateau now for months. three weeks ago i finally had a much needed fill. i fully anticipated that this was gonna be it, i would tight again and start losing. yeah, that isnt happening. i haven't noticed a change whatsoever! it has really thrown me into a funk. i have another fill scheduled for wed. its not like i have to wait forever or anything.

i dont know what is wrong with me. i want to cry. i am so frustrated with myself! i set up my cross-bow (generic bow-flex), did great a week or so, and over the last 4 days, nothing. i hooked up the wagon type thing i bought for my daughter to my bike, took a ride thrusday evening, and havent touched it again since then. thought about it plenty over the weekend, but that doesnt do a damn bit of good does it now?

my eating....not good. have been eating around the band, trying to comfort myself. how freakin stupid. its not comforting me. its making me worse! i sure in the hell dont feel better afterwards. today i was making a pathetic attempt at eating better. ordered a turkey wrap, ate 1/2 of it with the wrap and then ate the turkey out of the other half. why do i feel so quilty for that? why am i doing this to myself? how freakin stupid can i be?

i am so close to being at goal... so close.... i want it so bad.

ok, so. now that i have this all out i am gonna do something about it. i am riding that bike tonight with my kids. i am gonna lift those weights. and i am gonna brush this off and continue on instead of wallowing in this. right. right? right....

snowbird-- holy cow! way to go! 7 lbs from goal. i am so proud of you! that is awesome. dont you feel so much better? i know i do, even though i still am 20 away from goal. i really want to be there by our one year date too! these last pounds are hanging on. well, i am letting them sit there more like it. but not now! you have inspired me to get my butt back in gear. i am like you too, in the maintaining. it is great for me to see that i CAN stay at a decent weight. part of me was scared that i would start gaining. but i have been at the same weight for quite some time now. congrats again!

i have some things i need to get back to being committed to as well. maybe posting with you will help me with accountibility.

1) stop drinking my calories. no more pink lemonade unless it is of the crystal light variety. i got into a bad habit of stopping for a big lemonade every morning before work. this will also help the pocket book! that $1.35 will add up!

2) be more faithful in working out. stop making pathetic excuses to not do it. i know i feel better when i do it, so just do it. plus, its good for the kids, and the 4-h lambs!

3) measure my food. eyeballing it is not working. until i get into the losing mode again, i must measure. yes, this means bringing my measuring cup with me again, and getting weird looks, but it will be worth it!

well, those are the few i can think of that have been really buggin me lately. they seem like a good place to start.

i was talking to the pharmacist about taking Biotin because i heard it was good for hair/nails and skin. he told me that for it to really work well it needed to be taken with a B-complex Vitamin. he then told me it was better to just take a prenatal Vitamin. that it had everything i needed in it. i was going to just buy the ones you can get over the counter, but he had some behind the counter you dont need an rx for.

just a thought....

the other day my sil told me she wished she had my arms! can you believe that? i am still in shock and i get this big smile just thinkin about it. i have had this fear about my arms being gross, so i have been trying to lift weights and, although i could be better about it, it must be working to a point! i was showing her my crossbow (generic bowflex) and she was telling me how she got a bowflex and then she pointed out to her husband how great (still in shock) my arms looked and she wanted to look like that. sorry to blab on, i just cant believe it.

and then, sunday, my mom told me how skinny my legs are getting too! i had kinda noticed the same thing, but thought it was just my imagination. but its not.

now if i could just lose this belly.....

well here it is july already. can you believe it? our 9 month marks will be coming up. i decided i would start another month-mark check in thread.

not much progress to share :smile2:. but its totally my fault. and i think, finally, today, i am ready to own that and get my butt back into gear.

i got that fill a couple weeks ago. at first i didnt think it had done anything at all for me, but as the days have past i find it working more. what was my normal restiction-super tight in a.m., slowly loosen through the day, and none at night-has changed to tight in a.m., loosened by lunch, tight again at night. i am not quite used to the change yet so i havent decided which way i like better. its nice to have restriction at night though, as i was having problems eating correctly at night when i got home.

i havent really gotten into exercising either, which pisses me off. oh i do it here and there. but i am queen of excuses lately. and i dont like it. so again, today, i have resolved to be on top of this and get into gear. i have plans to walk with a friend tomorrow night. that helps me so much, to have a workout buddy. i hate to let her down so i know i will go!

hope everyone is doing good/better. keep you chin up, we will get there!