want_so_bad

bandster--well you are gonna beat me into surgery. lucky you. i wish i was having it done today like the plan had been. but oh well, in a month it will be my turn. i am having a total too. get it all the heck outta there! i am so tired of it all and cant wait to feel better. not to mention cant wait to get a fill and back on the losing wagon! thanks for the support. its hard to think of staying at the same weight as something good when i am not yet to goal. its close, but just outta reach it seems. i know i could do better but i am not. i have no excuses other then i am just not doing it. i will exercise here and there, just havent made the commitment i need to. my fault and my fault alone. i dont want to seem like i am whining about not losing anymore. if i would just do it i would be losing. but i think maybe i am at a place again that i WANT to do it. i went walking last night and felt better. today i WANT to go walking again. its not feeling like a chore to fit in when i get home from work. i hope i keep this feeling. wifemom--how is your son doing? how are you holding up? i hope you both are doing well. welcome becky. hope you are doing well.

holy cow. life seems to be going in a hundred directions lately. some days i am in control and some days i just hang on and hope to make it through! wifemom--it sounds like you are on the right track with your son. i wish you both the best and a speedy recovery. bandster--how are you feeling? how did the discussion with your doc go about the hysterectomy? unfortunately i had to move the date of mine back a month into october. conflicts at work, but oh well. i am really upset that i will be unfilled that long. i cant justify spending the money for a fill, the unfill and then another fill. that adds up! and fast! so i will just maintain until then. i have been doing better for the most part. i am worried still so i called my regular doctor and she filled an rx for phentermine (sp wrong i think, sorry). i am going to pick that up tonight. i think that will help me maintain until i can get filled again. my boys have started peewee football so we are on the go most nights with practice and games. plus we have 4-h stuff. its good though. keeps me from being home and mindlessly eating. last night i chased my little girl around the field and the playground while the boys had practice. now that was a workout. up and down and around the playground. holy cow, she worked me out! it was great and we both had fun. i think she was almost as worn out as i was. i am maintaining my weight. thats great for me. i was petrified i would start packing it back on! i know when i start feeling better i will be more motivated to really get into this again. hope everyone is doing good!

bandster- i am not nervous at all. not yet anyway. i just heard from the dr office yesterday that my insurance approved everything and its a go. so i am about 2 weeks away. it is such a relief for me, to get it all taken care of. i just want to feel better, ya know? no more bleeding heavily for weeks, no more cramps from hell, no more back pain...i cant wait! also cant wait because the sooner its done with the sooner i can get a fill and get back to losing this damn weight! i am still really stuggling with it. i have good days and bad days. i am just working on it, ya know? i will lose a pound or two and then gain it back, back and forth... i have decided that as long as i maintain at 175 and dont gain then i will be ok with that. my boys start football tonight. i think it will be good for me. keep my busy and active. i am going to take the stroller and walk with my daughter while they have practice. that way when we get home i can do dinner and homework and all that without feeling guilty about not exercising. i hope you are feeling ok bandster. wifemom- i worry about if my issues with weight will have an impact on my kids as they grow up too! i am sure your son has been under major pressure from the coaches and team members. wrestling is a hard sport. my husband was a wrestler and the things they do to make weight are crazy. it worries me for my boys! and i hope with all my might that my daughter will not struggle with what i did/have/still do my entire life. i want to have this all under control so that when she is old enough to understand all this i will be a healthy, thin, and with it mom so i can help her!

our wedding song was jimmy wayne's "you are". and we also played the adam sandler song from 50 first dates...but i cant think of the name it! anyone know that one i am thining of?

so i have been mia again! its been crazy busy at work. plus i have kind of been avoiding coming and checking in because i am highly ashamed and embarassed and just sick with myself. i am still empty and have to remain that way until after my hystorectomy. so that isnt for another 3 weeks! and then i dont know how long i will after to stay empty. not long i don think. they are just worried about how i react to the drugs and would rather i be empty in case of vomitting and stuff. sometimes i am sensitive to it and other times not so much. in total since my unfill i have gained 9 pounds. i had figured i would gain maybe about 4 or 5 due to the dehydration, well, being able to rehydrate i mean. i gained the rest of it and have now stayed at this weight. i have been making poor choices when it comes to diet. i have eaten the things that i have wanted to but havent indulged in since surgery. i thinkmy saving grace is that i have been incredibly more active then before! no more sitting or hanging out in the house. i am outside with the kids and the horses and just busy. and i love every minute of it. i know that if i make better food choices i would be losing. i am working on that, more so with my head issues then anything else. i think i could probably use some counseling, but that isnt gonna happen anytime soon. i have this most embarassing deal with myself... sunday we are taking the kids to a waterpark and then going out to dinner. i am allowing myself dinner that night and then i am back on the wagon...empty and all. we live in a small rural town and are going to the big city to the Water park so we are going to dinner while we are there. i hope this thread stays going!

good job with the slimfast! way to make a good choice! i skipped the coffee this morning and am starting today with a big glass of ice water with some lemon in it.

i have kinda thought about the wii fit. but i cant justify to my husband me spending that much on yet another workout gizmo when i have a ton already that dont get used like they should. summer time isnt so much my problem with being active, i am outside lots with the kids and the animals. its winter time (which is quickly approaching). its too cold and too much snow to be outside after work. not to mention its dark by the time i get home. i think it might be good for winter time when i cant be outside. i was thinking maybe i would try to find one on ebay or something? i dont have my calories or Protein to report for yesterday. dailyplate isnt working for some reason. but as soon as it is i will get everything in and report back. i know or sure my calories are gonna suck yet again. did some emotional and bored eating yesterday. i think the protein will be really good again though. not that that is a good thing when it comes with so many calories. i made this sandwich spread my grandma used to make with some left over roast beef. you basically just grind it up with some hardboiled eggs and some miracle whip and mustard. im going to try to put the recipe in on dailyplate and see what the calories and protein come up with. should be perty good i think. lots of protein in the eggs and roast. oh, and i add a little pickle relish. it ends up kinda like a tuna consistency. i eat it just plain like that but put it on rolls or bread for my kids. its yummy. if i would have stuck to just that i would have done great. but then i ate a few chips with it. and then later a cookie. and then later another cookie. yeah, basically pathetic on my part. weird part is when i weighed myself i had lost 2 lbs! what is up with that? i thought there was no way, so i weighed again today and had still lost that 2 lbs. could have prolly called it 2.5 or 3 but i am sticking with 2. i wonder if its the difference in calorie consumption? lower for a day or two, then a little more? now i just have to get back to the lower calorie part!

i am starting this thread so i have a place to come and just mindlessly chatter when the urge to snack hits me. i currently have no fills and will be this way for at least another 2 weeks, maybe more. i am having a really hard time keeping on track and eating correctly. so this will probably be kinda boring and not really saying much other then here i am again to avoid snacking... feel free to join me if it will help you.

:sleep2::blushing:calories- 1579. freakin horrible. what else can i say?:Banane37: :moon::crying::blushing:exercise- none. repeat of above comments protein- 102 grams! holy crap. thats alot. but what can i expect when i ate that many calories? yeah so not having a great morning. feel guilty as hell about yesterday. was WAY over my calories for the day. i am trying to shake it off and just do better today.

hi angelica. welcome. hope we can help and support you. wifemom- i think i need to do the 3 says of liquids as well. is this to get rid of your carb cravings? bandster- i am trying to use dailyplate through the week. i dont have internet at home so the weekends are out. so, my report for yesterday: calories= 1014 (actual minus calories burned from exercise) exercise= check, did it! and loved every minute! i rode horses with my kids. just easy going so i didnt burn as much as if i was riding hard, but it was still good. protein= 78 grams! holy crap huh? i usually never get that much in a day! i weighed myself...and damn if i wasnt right and i have gained about 5 frickin pounds. damn me! damn me right back to fatterville if i dont get it under control. yesterday was better. today i am on track so far. i was thinking of starting another thread, like a " i am here posting to keep myself busy so i dont absent-mindley snack" kind of thread. i thought if i did those seperatively it wont mess up this thread with kinda mindless drivel, ya know? it will probably be pathetic how many times i post there but thats ok. if it will help me then it will be worth it!

it has been 2 weeks since the unfill so i still have 2 weeks! BUT, i have to have a hystorectomy now, next month, and am trying to find out if i have to be/need to be unfilled for that? i called my fill doctor but he said its better to ask the doctor doing the surgery. i have another appointment on the 20 with my ob/gyn doc and will find out for sure then. i cant afford to get a fill and then an unfill and then another fill. so if i have to be empty for surgery i will just have to wait to get a fill until afterwards.

well i am just doing a piss poor job right now. i think i have gained prolly 5 lbs, but am too scared to get on the scale. today i renewed, yet again, my comentiment to do this. what is wrong with me? my goals are: to excercise at least 3 times a week to stay within my calorie goal for the day i will report back tomorrow w/ my calories and what my exercise was. just like when we started this. maybe that will help me--keep me motivated. i cant wait for the 30 days to be up and to get refilled! i miss it! i miss the feeling of control i had!

100 lbs! congrats! thats amazing. keep up the great work.

thankful- welcome! congrats on your 30lbs weight loss. thats great. do you or have you tried logging your calories? i was amazed when i started doing that. what i thought wasnt much, and it wasnt as much as i ate before, still held a large amount of calories! and all the "not much" things added up. you might try that. thedailyplate.com is the one i use. you can log your exercise as well. you might try that? bandster-- did you get some sleep? i sleep so much better when my dh is home too. he works a week on and a week off. you would think after 4 years of this i would be used to it, and i guess i kind of am, but i still sleep better when he is home. i have been doing just a crap job of eating well! i have to get things under control or i am going to be sorry. oh! i have to share my nsv! so we took the kids to the Water park and i was ok! not worried about how i looked in my suit all the time. of course a few times i started to freak a little, you know, when the barbies walked by with their itsy bitsie bikinis on. or when my dh described this girl with "you know, the big tits that just walked by"....nice! and there i stand with my little girls carefully rolled up and stuffed into my suit. damn woman! but by and by it was a great day. i felt great. it was amazing to be feel that way. first time in forever!

bandster-sorry i have kinda been mia. its been a crazy couple days at work with it being end of the month and trying to get books closed and statements done. things should calm down no the end of the week. i hope so anyways. tomorrow we are taking the kids to an amuzement park. and we are going ot the Water park that is there too. i am so excited! for the first time in i cant remember when, i am excited to go to the water park! i could not find a new swim suit in town so my dearest hubby who i just love stopped on his way home in another town and took it upon himself to find me one. he was so cute and sweet, calling me asking questions. so he gets home with 2 new suits, and ya know what? i like them both! and they both look good and fit good! one is a size 12 and the other is a 16. weird huh? the 16 is made of this super-duper hold your gut in material. holy crap, its hard to get on! but it looks good! he is not known for being supportive of me so this whole swimsuit thing is just blowing me away. he told me he just wants me to be comfortable and able to have fun and not be worrying about it. i am doing better eating without a fill. went kinda nuts-o there for a few days...but am better the last few. thank goodness! still cant wait to get the fill back and start losing again. hope you are doing well bandster.

last week i started getting sick and couldnt eat or drink. over the weekend it got to the point i couldnt swallow my spit. monday i went to the doctor and had a complete unfill. have to stay empty for a month. i have never needed to take anything for heartburn/acid reflux. after my last fill i was really tight. belly juice ended up irritating things to the point i was basically swollen shut. i felt almost instant relief when they pulled the Fluid. i am having the hardest time being empty. all i can think of are all the things i havent eaten for the past 10 months that i could eat now. burgers, pizza, chinese, bread. i thought i had a better grip on my head then this! even on the way home from the doctor's office i was losing my mind. now its been a few days and i have had some slips, to say the least. this week is our county fair. we are so busy running around and we dont home until late. we have been eating in town or at the fair. and i making the stupidest choices. then i go home and cry. i once again have fallen into my whole "well, i screwed up today so might as continue and start again tomorrow" mode. i was doing so much better with that. and i find myself just mindless eating. today i seem better though. i attribute that to being able to take my antidepressant again. those days i couldnt get anything down i couldnt take it. and i just realized last night i hadnt started again. so i took one last night and can already notice the difference in my appetite and mind set. today i have done much better not eating crap all day. i had a string cheese for a morning snack and then i ate the meat/cheese off a sandwich. i am sitting here just pissy though because i know i ate prolly 3 times more of the sandwich fillings then i normally would/should. i was thinking of taking an appetite supressant until i can get filled again, but dont know if i really want to start down that road again either. i am just having a much harder time then i thought i would and it makes me feel weak! like i am so pathetic i cant control myself any better then this for a month! i mean, come on now, a month! i dont know what to do with myself.... i need a good kick in the buttocks, maybe a slap or two to the face to snap me out of this crap i am in!

way to go banster! 8 1/2 lbs! thats awesome. but why cant you eat? is your band too tight? are you still sick? i hope you are feeling better. i know i am! well, sort of... i am being so flipping stupid. eating crap i shouldnt! this week has just been crazy with the county fair going on. we are super busy, running all the time and dont get home until late. then my son's lamb was dq'ed from the fair. it caused a bunch of drama and i have been worked up and upset and furious for days. i wanted to kick some people's butt's for making my baby cry! jerks! anyway, we havent been getting home until late and we eat in town at the fair and i have been making bad decisions with a capital "B"! and then i go home and cry because i am being so stupid. i started doing the whole, well, i screwed up today so i might as keep going and just start over tomorrow. why the hell am i doing this? i thought i was past that. i thought i had this head crap under somewhat of control. i have to get my head back under control before i end up gaining a ton before i can get refilled! i mean how stupid can i be? after losing what i have and coming so far, why am i gonna screw it up for a month and then just have that much more to lose once i get filled again. today's goal is to keep my self in check. i brought string cheese and yogurt to work. i have my Water and crystal light and my lemon juice and my gum. i can do this. one of the only people who know i had this done keeps telling me to just think like i am filled stlil. think to myself....oh god, i dont even want to try that because last time it got stuck... or something along those lines. i kinda half assed that, but then was like, omg-i havent eat bla bla bla for almost a year now. and i just wanna taste.... yeah well, that would be all well and good if one bite is where it stopped! hope you are feeling better and able to eat something bandster!

ugh, i had a hell of a weekend. so friday i posted how i wasnt feeling well and couldnt keep Water down. friday evening it continued to get worse and i had the worst heartburn i have ever had in my life. nothing i took or did helped it. by friday night i was ready to go to the hospital. i thought something was seriously wrong. i hurt into my back and shoulders, and omg, i cant even explain how bad it hurt! sat i couldnt drink anything. nothing. could barely swallow my own spit. sunday was the same way. sunday we were helping hay so that means outside in the hot hot weather all day. i would take a drink of water, just hold it in my mouth and then spit it out. sunday evening i felt so ill. i was lighthead and couldnt focus. during the night i woke up gaggin on Fluid. almost like i had vomitted in my sleep. that happened twice and then i vomitted some black pastey stuff. it was gross! so yesterday i called the doc. he had me come in for an emergency visit. they did a complete unfill and i have to stay unfilled for a month, then go back. he said that being so close to goal i had my band perty tight. but i also had not taken any sort of antacid or anything. he thinks that i just had a build up of acid and it irritated things to the point that even though i had started taking stuff it was just too late. i felt almost instant relief when he pulled the fluid. i could drink right away. it was still a weird feeling though. so now my goal is to really really be on top of it this next month. i dont want to gain any weight back! i am going to continue to eat and measure my food just like i was. record my calories, workout. basically try to forget that i am empty

so our 8 month mark is up (or about there). how is everyone doing? i have been at the same weight now for months. i have a fill scheduled for next wed. i think that will get the ball rolling again. i am loving my progress though. i have so much more energy. i am more active outside with my kids, playing, walking, doing yardwork. i love riding my horse again! well, love it more.... i dont feel as sloppy riding. i know i still bounce in places i shouldnt, but it is better! and i love that. i really want to get this last 25 off by the end of summer so i can begin my countdown for the tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation. even having lost 40lbs so far, i have only went down 1 size pants because of my nasty fat apron belly. its gross, makes me cry and i cant wait to be rid of the thing! hope everyone is doing great.

check-in from yesterday: 117 calories (465 minus days activities) and 18g Protein. i was sick yesterday and couldnt keep much down most the day. barely even fluids, it was was not fun. i was so thirsty but even sipping Water would make me vomit. there is a bug going around and i think i have it! i feel a little better today, but taking it slow. being sick yesterday has irritated my belly like no other and i am super tight today. even small sips of water take time going through. bandster-hope you are doing ok. you sounded like bad shape.

bandster-congrats on the 2lbs! wtg! and i lost another one too! and congrats w/ the new clothes. i need to get some new pants too. i have ordered a shirt here or there online from oldnavy. i order clothes for my daughter there too. they have great clearance stuff for her a lot of time. i always check their clearance sales first, for me too. i hate being sick! i feel for ya. get plenty of rest so you get better fast. yesterday's check-in stats are: 604 calories (999 gross minues the days activities and workout), 21 g Protein. so i have been staying perty active. this next week and half is gonna be crazy with fair and everything we have to do. but its a good thing. and i am so excited, my horse was a good boy for the farrier last night. usually he is a butt to shoe, but last night he stood like a gentleman! so i can get to riding him again. that burns the hell outta the calories! talk about workout. i am hoping to get a sitter for the kids and me and the hubby take a couple of the horses out in the hills for a ride this weekend. but i dont know if we will or not. bandster- i know exactly what you mean about the picture! my mother in law brought over some pic's she had of us and i was in a few and thought, omgoodness! i dont look huge. and i almost thought i looked pretty. HUGE difference to my usual reaction to my own photgraph! strange things are happening! lol

so where is everyone? well, my calories for yesterday were: 1107, and Protein was: 21. i got a step counter thingie majig. according to it i walked a total of 6228 steps or 2.94 miles. that was just between 8 and 5. i wore it at work to see how much i get up and move around. so that is perty good. according to the little book that came with it a good daily goal is 10,000. i am almost positive i would have hit that. after work we had 4-H so that meant walking the lamb, chasing the baby, helping other kids w/ their lambs, etc. i hope everyone is ok. bandster, did you weigh in the other night? i hope this thread doesnt die, it has really helped me! i dont want to be posting here by myself!

this past saturday i went out had a few too many to drink. i usually dont drink so this was my first experience being drunk w/ the band. so here is my thing-sunday morning i was only a little sick. woke up, kinda dizzy and a headache, took something for it and slept some more. woke up just really tired, but no aweful hangover! thing is, now i am tight. like couldnt eat anything solid tight yesterday. i figured this was prolly cuz i had gotten sick the night before. lunch today rolls around and i ate maybe 4 small bites of lunch meat (in a salad). thats it, all she wrote, nothing else going in. i had the aweful pain and slimed for a bit. (oh, and i also want to be sure to mention that i had a fill a week and a half ago. i noticed a difference, but not much from previous fill amount) so, i am kinda wondering what is going on. did my fill just take a while to kick in. it did before with the second fill. or was it from the alcohol? anyone else ever experience this?

so my calorie count for yesterday was...wait for it....557! and Protein was 10. yeah, not so great i know. i just wasnt hungry, and when i did eat it was a bite or two and i was stuffed. i have been doing perty good about the cardio, but hit and miss with the strength training. i am going to make a better effort this week at doing that. things at home are just super busy right now. we are getting ready for fair, so we have something going on almost every night for the next 2 weeks. getting the lamb ready (one of them died last sat, damn thing!). getting record books ready, preparing for judging, decorating pens, and it goes on and on. but its a good time too. the boys are excited. kinda sucks though...fair means funnell cakes and curly fries and Peanut Butter balls. damn them all!

<p>i am to start my pre-op diet on the 9-24. i have to do clear liquids the first 5 and then liquids the second 5. so my question is, can you take diet pills during this time? you know, something to help squash the hunger? do you get terribly hungry? i dont even know...i am so excited to get started, but also kinda nervous, like, what if i cant do it? but i can, i know i can, i want this so bad and have waited SO long to be thin! like my whole life! thanks for the help.</p>