want_so_bad

missdiva- great job on your walk! i hardly ever take a lunch break, but am thinking maybe i should so i could walk then. that would be nice. i bought a can of planters nut-rition the south beach diet mix. it has cashews, almonds, and macadamia nuts w/ sea salt. 21 pieces to a serving. it has 170 calories per serving though. jrfan- i am like you and missdiva too. during the week i am pretty darn good. the weekend comes, and not so good! especially the weekends my husband is at work. i really need to work on it. i think too, now that i have restriction, its not gonna be such a struggle. i am irritated with myself. i went home and we did a bunch of stuff outside. i started feeling sick to my stomach. well all that energy and great mood i was feeling flew out the window. i basically just crashed. i was so tired! i was like a zombie getting the kids and hubby dinner. i didnt even try to eat. i sat on the couch and went to sleep. i woke up to help kids to bed and was back out again. i have been exhausted tired like that alot lately. so much so its starting to bother me. i feel really drowsy and dopey, but i havent taken anything. even now, sitting at my desk, i feel like that. like i have taken a pain killer. if i sit here long enough i start nodding off! its such a weird feeling. i kinda sorta mentioned it to my husband and he agreed its really weird. he said i go to sleep so fast and so deep. he has tried to wake me up a few times on the couch this week to go to the room and he cant get me to. i dont even remember him doing this! i know that i have done that before, not remembered him trying to wake me up, but not like this! its strange. i was hoping to try to catch up on some sleep this weekend but we have regional boxing for the boys. i hope they kick some butt! i told them each that i would give them 50 bucks if they win their fights. 25 to spend, 25 to their savings account. plus an extra 25 if they make the kid bleed. lol, nice mom huh? i just want them to motivated. i dont really want the other kid to get hurt or anything. i would never wish that on their opponents. these kids are amazing athletes with so much potential. i am amazed at each fight at their strength and determination. i can not do the workout that my boys do. can not! its crazy! i try to do it myself at home and they just laugh cuz i cant keep up. they are 9 and 10! oh well, at least i am trying.

i had surgery w/ dr huacuz in 2007. i cant say anything about the safety due to recent events. but i can say that i am so happy i had it done! he was nice as was his staff. i dont know any spanish so communicating with the nurses was soso, but not bad. i had it done thursday and was back to work monday! the only time i was really really uncomfortable and would have taken some was the trip home. we had the the drive to san diego, the flight home, and then the drive home. it was a very long day and i was pretty dang sore. i was glad i had some at home from something else. i had that same freaky feeling about going to Mexico. i made a pact with my mom, who went with me, if we get there and things just dont feel right or its scary- no surgery and we go home. it was both of ours first time in mexico. while things are different from home, it wasnt bad. i did freak out a little and start bawling my eyes out when i got in the or and on the table. he talked to me, reassured me, made sure i was ok. they gassed me a little, and then my feet were moving with the music they had playin. thats all i remember and i woke up in my room. i know if you search his name here there are tons of posts about him. some good, some not. its such a touchy thing, trying to find a doctor. i did basically no research. i knew a lady that had it done w/ him. she loved him. her friend and the friends entire family had used him. after looking at their before and after pictures, i was sold. and i have no regrets.

GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? i ate under 1/2 a cup of Soup today and i am FULL! so happy. do a little dance, go me go me. havent had anything anywhere remote to this feelings since august of last year. sweet lord its great. golly jee willakers i hope i start dropping weight! i MUST workout today. i have this whole renewed sense that i can get to goal! i know i know, i said i wasnt going to get excited, but this is exciting!!! lol, i a nerd. i know i will get a workout outside tonight w/ the animals, feeding, brushing, walking and all that. but i am gonna walk/jog on the treadmill too. or maybe some wii fit. i feel good! its been so long! but gawd, i wanna eat something bad! its the whole Celebrate w/ food thing. sick twisted mind i have. omg, i ate a tiny amount of soup, lets get a reese's. NO NO NO! i will not. besides, i am perty sure it would get stuck and hurt like hell and i would rather not to that. lol. irene, how is the chip ban going? i have decided to give up reese's Peanut Butter cups again. no more! they are the devil. spawn of a peanut butter satan! ok, so yeah, i havent been this upbeat for a while. pbrown- maybe something w/ lots of Protein will help you make it longer before you get hungry? or have you tried that already? i think as long as this fill stays put this would be my sweet spot. i know i wouldnt want it any tighter. are you losing inches? toning up? jrfan- i had about the same to lose as you. i am just a tad over 1/2 there, but i was banded in 2007. life happened though and i had some setbacks and fell off track. having lost 40lbs i thought i would be able to buy new clothes. but yeah, that is not the case. i have not dropped even ONE stupid pant size. NOT ONE!!! my legs are so much thinnger, and my arms, and upper body. all smaller. but my gut is just in the way. so no new pants until the tummy tuck. it sucks. its frustrating. hell, its depressing. but it is what it is and the harder i work the better i will look in the end, right? thats what i keep telling myself anyways. my son is 10 and pulling this crap. its so hard! like you said, i dont like him much at times! little turd. i would have never even thought of doing to my mom what he does to me. my dad woulda killed me. plus, i just respected her more then that, ya know?

i saw a loss on the scale today. and that felt good!

i still have restriction! woohoo! and boohoo. lol. i am T-I-G-H-T tight! it is such a "new" feeling! its been so long since i had any restriction. i ate some yogurt mid-morning yesterday. afternoon found me suddenly HUNGRY and i realized i hadnt eaten anthing else. i had some Jerky in my desk. BAD IDEA! i chewed really really good with the first bite. but the second, not so well. and i was pb'ing and sliming for hours! HOURS! when in thought i was ok i had what would probably count as MAYBE one very small bite of mashed potatos last night. actually i licked the spoon was all. and started sliming and pbing all over again. guess the jerky wasnt gone because i ended up heaving pretty good until i little piece came up. i was miserable and thirsty! but after that i must have just irritated the hell outta myself. i could barely get hot tea down. this morning i am better. still perty dang tight. i feel like i am starting all over again and its HELL!!! i am sitting here thinking of all things i want to eat but cant. its pathetic. i want chocolate chip Cookies. and cheesefries. and a big old cheeseburger. there is something wrong with me! i swear. lol. i better start sipping on my slimfast. maybe that will help? i sure hope so. i am finding myself just obsessed w/ food right now. ughh...good thing i have restriction. actually, i think that is why i am wiggin out. i know i CANT eat that stuff so i want it tens times worse then i would have monday. they need a band for the mind!

missdiva- first i need to apologize. yesterday and today i have been so wrapped up in me i havent been supportive. i am sorry. so you are liking the slimshots? i have thought about trying them too. my mom gave me this juice stuff my aunt is selling. i will have to check the name tonight. anyways, you take a 1 or 2 oz shot of it 1 or 2 times a day. i have been amazed at how great it is at supressing my appetite. its got that acai berry in it plus a bunch of vitamins and good for you stuffs. this stuff doesnt taste too bad, plus its so little and i drink it fast. this morning it was slower going down and i was kinda burping it up,well the tast and it was not the greatest then, lol. WAY TO GO! w/ no chips! i am really proud of you. i am going to pick something that has been my weakness lately and try giving it up too. i just have to decide what. it will probably be something sweet. since being banded i crave sweets. its so weird for me. before i was a pure salty girl! when the fam was having ice cream for dessert i would rather have had chips or pop corn or something like that. not now. now i fight the temptation of cookies and ice cream (which i never really liked much before) and stupid reese's peanut butter cups! have any of you found a change like that too? huh, well, tonight i am gonna decide what it is i am done and over with.

last night i was oh so daring and tried some mashed potatos and some squash for dinner. all mushied up. i had restriction for sure. felt so weird! but good too. it has been a long time. so this morning i still have restriction! praise allah! so far so good. my coffee and now my water is on a slow trickle for sure. it took me like 40 minutes to eat a little over 1/2 a container of yoplait. i finally just threw it away. because i didnt want anymore!!!! and it was getting warm and just sitting there. oh i just hope it stays for more then a day or two. if i did have leak would it be gone quickly? does it just drip out? or does it go fast? after last time i didnt have restriction at all whatsoever, so this time is definately different!!! i just keep telling myself to stay calm, just in case it does go away in the next day or two. its really hard to not be excited though. i was so upset yesterday and so down. it seemed funny to type stepson yesterday because i dont usually referr to him like that. he is just my son. he has some major behavioral/emotional issues. for probably about a year and a half or more i thought we were headed straight for a divorce because of him. then things got better and had been for about a year. but now he is back to his old ways. only this time my dh is standing up/behind me. its nice, new and weird, but great. i think maybe he has/is working through his daddy guilt better now. but stepson only does the things he does to/directed at me. he sometimes gives his dad fits, but never like he does to me. its maddening. and i feel like i am failing him somehow and i dont know how or what to do to fix it/him. it makes me very very sad. hardest thing ever done is being a parent (stepparent too) i think.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. ********************************************** just keep swimming, just keep swimming -dori the fish, finding nemo ********************************************** nothing tastes as good as being thin will feel -dont know who, its on someone's signature ********************************************** does this dress make me look fat? its not the dress that makes you look fat. its the fat that makes you look fat. -the back forty calendar (its hanging up in my office. i know it probably doesnt seem motivational, but it is for me??, plus its funny)

i had a very similar experience. got too tight, unfilled (but for months!!), gained some weight, started to get refilled. i have found that i am "sensitive" to fills, as the doctor puts it. after going back to start the refill process i have had to have very small fills or i close up completely and have to get unfilled completely and start all over. its hell. my advice would to just go slow. best of luck.

i have had a freakin crap of a day! went for that fill. told the dr how i have been able to eat more and anything since the last fill a month ago. he said ok, lets look. i no Fluid in my band! when i got the fill in march it was 2.1 cc. today it was .2 cc. WTF???? so yeah, i am freakin the #*%@ out! the dr tells me of the few reasons it may be, the FREAK, ALMOST NEVER HAPPEN reasons this could happen. perhaps when i sat up last time for the fluoro i pulled the needle out of the port and when he added fluid it didnt go in the band, just into me. or, and he says he has only done this one time, he just didnt put it back in. maybe got to discussing things with me and didnt realize he didnt push it in. something strange like that. or, more likely, i have a leak somewhere. wtf now? i am seriously freakin out and upset and in a panic. i ask him how i find out for sure. he said, well, you will know if this fill works or not. and i said, and if not? he said i will have to call my surgeon. who is in Mexico. just freakin great. and to add to it my dear dear dh is mad about it. yes dear, its my fault. i thought, gee, lets get a leak...that sounds fun. *(@#$(*@#&)(@#&$(&@#($*@(#$#@*$)(@#$)(&@#&$&$(*@(*$&@#(*((. ARGHHH!!!! so i sit here in a state of shock. do i just go ahead and try to eat something? to see if it worked? or do i follow my normal rules and stay liquid and soft foods for a day or two and then try? just in case it did work and this was some fluke strange thing??? oh what to do, what to do!! i want to EAT!!! the whole emotional eating thing is rearing its ugly head. think i will just go hide in the bathroom and cry some more. all this and i still had to come to work. damn my day! what do i do? oh, and i posted this in another thread in a different area. sorry for the double posting. just hoping for some feedback. thanks.

irene- thank you so much for responding so quickly. i am really struggling. what a day. its funny, in the not funny way, but at every fill i was always way paranoid about something being wrong. like i had stretched my pouch or something. and it always ended up being ok. but not today. maybe?? hell i dont even know how to feel right now. i need to check my email and see if the dr in mexico has answered me yet. what if i am all freakin out and it really is ok? or i dont get all upset and it is broken? i know getting upset isnt gonna help anything, but that is just something that can not be helped right now! as for my dh...and right now the d is not for dear...he has never been fully on board with this. he thought i should just exercise and try harder. this was the "easy" way out. omg, what the hell does he know? this is the farthest thing from easy. he gets pissy about the money part of it every time i go for a fill. he just doesnt understand. he says he needs to lsoe 5 pounds, and poof, next day its gone. i love him to death, but some days!!! at times he is has become more understanding, but things like this just reinforce his way of thinking for him. he thinks it should be an exact science, with the fills, ya know? and its just not. and now this...he isnt happy to say the least. lol. but, what can i do? so i have tried drinking something finally. and i seem to have restriction. as of right now. i definately have that tight, sitting there waiting to go through feelings. omg, havent had that forever! i am trying to not get to happy/excited though. what if it just takes it a couple days to leak out? this on top of the problems i am having at home are gonna drive me to drinking! lol, well, sorta lol, but not really. my stepson is being a shit and i am all stressed out from him. i really hope he is better tonight or i think i might just lose my mind. instead of weight...

i have had a freakin crap of a day! went for that fill. told the dr how i have been able to eat more and anything since the last fill a month ago. he said ok, lets look. i no fluid in my band! when i got the fill in march it was 2.1 cc. today it was .2 cc. WTF???? so yeah, i am freakin the #*%@ out! the dr tells me of the few reasons it may be, the FREAK, ALMOST NEVER HAPPEN reasons this could happen. perhaps when i sat up last time for the fluoro i pulled the needle out of the port and when he added fluid it didnt go in the band, just into me. or, and he says he has only done this one time, he just didnt put it back in. maybe got to discussing things with me and didnt realize he didnt push it in. something strange like that. or, more likely, i have a leak somewhere. wtf now? i am seriously freakin out and upset and in a panic. i ask him how i find out for sure. he said, well, you will know if this fill works or not. and i said, and if not? he said i will have to call my surgeon. who is in mexico. just freakin great. and to add to it my dear dear dh is mad about it. yes dear, its my fault. i thought, gee, lets get a leak...that sounds fun. *(@#$(*@#&)(@#&$(&@#($*@(#$#@*$)(@#$)(&@#&$&$(*@(*$&@#(*((. ARGHHH!!!! so i sit here in a state of shock. do i just go ahead and try to eat something? to see if it worked? or do i follow my normal rules and stay liquid and soft foods for a day or two and then try? just in case it did work and this was some fluke strange thing??? oh what to do, what to do!! i want to EAT!!! the whole emotional eating thing is rearing its ugly head. think i will just go hide in the bathroom and cry some more. all this and i still had to come to work. damn my day!

i bought a sauna suit at wallyworld to wear while working out. you know, the kinda plastic/vinyl shirt and pants that make you sweat. i am wondering how much it really helps. i know that i am drenched, literally, drenched, can ring out my shirt and pants that i wear under it when i am done on the treadmill. i vary walking and jogging for 25 minutes. anyone else ever tried them?

diva- congrats on the no chips. its great that you have recognized that you just have to say no to keep from falling into old habits. that is something i need to do myself. find that strength and determination. i know i can do it to when i put my mind to it. i have not had any, ANY, pop since surgery. i am so proud of myself for that. i was a HUGE drinker of mountain dew and pepsi. now crystal light is my thing. dont really like plain old Water, but with some crystal light or lemon its great. i started drinking 1 oz shots of this juice stuff my mom had. it has that acai berry and a bunch of Vitamins and stuff in it. i cant remember the name, i will have to look tonight. anyways, it has totally stopped my appetite. its a freakin miracle! its great. and i go early tomorrow morning for a fill. i am a little worried. since my fill a month ago i can eat anything and have NO restriction. i just dont want to find a leak or anything wrong. i am all paranoid about having stretched my pouch. guess i will find out in the morning.

lilmiss-i was so HAPPY to read your post! i am having the same problem. my lowest was 175. well, that is the lowest held consistently. i got to 166, but that was after being sick for a week with a too tight band and not being able to eat anything. anyways...175 was it. i held there w/ an empty band for months. then i had a hysterectomy. and i have gained 10-15 pounds. i do need a fill. since my last one i can eat more, variety and quanity. and the last two days, i have been starving! seriously just hungry. i wont even begin to tell you what i ate yesterday. i havent ate like that since before my band, and that was in 2007! yuck i know. the stranger part is i didnt even feel icky or bloated or anything. i have a better handle on it today. my fill is scheduled tuesday and i am so happy for that. i am refocusing my head on this fill and have to get back to work! i look forward to having someone to chat with like this.

something is seriously wrong with me. i am really starting to believe that. wth? am i doing to myself? today i decided that mcdonalds sounded good. and i ate it. now i am just sick with myself and just found myself thinking about going to make myself puke. wth? i didnt do it, and dont think i will. just that i even started thinkin like that is scary to me. i have been having a yo-yoing time lately. good then bad, high then low...it sucks. all since my last fill and i can now eat anything whereas before i at least had some restriction. i go next tuesday for anther fill, thank god! i have to keep it together until then. ARGGHHHHH, i am so frustrated with myself.

i used to use food for celebrating too. or being sad, or upset, or mad. perty much any emotion. its something i am working on. getting better, but not all the way there yet. i figure its something i will struggle with forever. as for the scale. its my best friendemy. i have a little ocd thing going on with the ritual i have. if i dont get to it i worry think about it all day. so yeah, just another thing i need to work on. lol.

WTG! congrats. i know how hard that can be. dang kids! and i feel yeah on the tears part too. i know all to well about hiding out in the bathroom, crying over wanting something so bad, but cant/shouldnt/didnt. glad those times are fewer and farther between. keep up the great work.

thanks so much everyone! i really needed that. i have just been having a rough go of things lately and it seems i let every little thing like that get into my head and i think i am just blowing it. but everyone was/is right. and today i am better and doing good. i do have to be better about not freakin out so much when/if i eat something i shouldn't (all the time). thanks again!

this is so me. i was so close to goal and have just totally ruined that. and continue to do so each day. i have even had a consult w/ the ps for a tummy tuck. thats is what i have wanted more then anything for as long as i can remember. now that i am thisclose....i am gaining. i am eating crap. i know i shouldnt. if i exercise i just excuse my overeating as being ok because i am working out. hello me!!!!???? exercise doesnt matter when you just eat it all back plus some. any suggestions would be great. thank you.

thank you for taking the time to respond for me. you are so right about needing to focus on shape and size, not the number on the scale. i have a hard time with that. i am now waiting to hear back from my insurance to see if the will cover a panniculectomy. my regular doctor wrote a letter of medical necessity, so we will see how that goes. thanks again.

and i dont mean the sexy kind, you know, the ones on men! i am talking about the OMG! where the hell are they coming from hairs that crop up. what kind of products do you find work best to remove your unwanted facial hair? what works good for stubborn hair?

4/2-(trying to remember) 6:00 am- coffee w/ sugar and fv creamer 2:00 pm- chicken blt salad. ate chicken breast and maybe 1/4 of actual salad w/ honey mustard dressing 9:00 pm- bowl special k fruit and yogurt Cereal w/ fat free milk 4/3- (trying to remember again) 6:00 am- coffee w/ sugar and fv creamer 10:00 am- 12 peanut m&m's 3:15 pm- hamburger patty w/ cheese, 1/2 large fry, med vanilla shake 7:00 pm- almost 1/2 cup hamburger helper mac/cheese, 1/4 corn, 1/2 slice bread w/ butter 4/4 8:30 am- coffee w/ sugar and fv creamer 2:00 pm- approx 10 potato chip w/ clam dip, 3-4 corn chips w/ guacamole, 2 hard boiled eggs 6:00 pm- 1/4 cup mashed potato, 1/4 cup corn (??amt-med spoonful?), roll, 1-1 1/2 oz turkey breast drizzled w/ gravy (very small amt gravy), 1/2 slice ham, 1/4 c fruit salad 11:00 pm- small slice of strawberry shortcake 12:30 pm- small sliver of raspberry cheesecake (piece was very small, 3 bites) 4/5 8:30 am- 1/2 cup coffee w/ sugar and fv creamer 10:00 am- roll w/ butter and honey 1:00 pm- 1/2 roll w/ 1/2 slice ham and slice colby jack cheese 3:30 pm- 1/4 bag popcorn w/ butter, bag swedish fish, lg pink lemonade, 1 milk dud, maybe like 15 skittles 7:00 pm- 1 hard boiled egg, 1/2 egg salad sandwich, 1 banana

i am having a very hard time of things right now. i am starting this thread so i have a place to post what i am eating each day (besides dailyplate) in the hopes of making myself accountable. dailyplate is great for telling me my intake but i think i might need someplace that others will see. like i wont want to eat it because then i have to put it here. and people will judge...at least thats what i am gonna tell myself. so please feel free to make comments and suggestions. oh, and i am also gonna post about my exercise too. so to get started: am workout: not much. really 1/2 assed through about 10 minutes of a workout on fit tv then went back to sleep. will have to make up for it tonight breakfast: almost 8 oz coffee w/1 tsp sugar, 2tsp french vanilla creamer (6 am) morning snack: dannon light and fit 60 calorie yogurt cup, raspberry flavor (11:30 am)

what are the symptoms of a stretched pouch? i understand that you are able to eat more because of it, but is there pain involved? does it hurt? are you just suddenly able to eat more? how does it work? please someone help me. i have tried the search thing but am just no good at it or something. thanks.