dreamsawaken

Less than 3 hours. Feeling.....everything. :/

Can i post it later today or tomorrow, after surgery???? Lol. Or try unjury website.

Kkayy.. Less than 10 hours cant sleep,but tired, gonna try even if just to shut my brain off. Whole range of emotions all day, and still. First surgery ever....that is adding to all of it. Hate hospitals, or being the one in the bed anyway..... I know this is what I want, need....but still anxious. And thirsty....lol. Yup, time to sleep. Surgery time..10 am. Today. Omg. (btw, this is me, cw 223 lbs) [ATTACH]5041[/ATTACH]

Kkayy.. Less than 10 hours cant sleep,but tired, gonna try even if just to shut my brain off. Whole range of emotions all day, and still. First surgery ever....that is adding to all of it. Hate hospitals, or being the one in the bed anyway..... I know this is what I want, need....but still anxious. And thirsty....lol. Yup, time to sleep.

Surgery less than 24 hours away....freaking out a little.... Woooosa wooooosa.

H- lol. I am wordy too. And i do get it...i even get having that job that blows me away i even have now, but i still feel like i dont give "enuf", or dont deserve it. I am capable of it, and more....its all the stuff that goes along with addiction (low.self esteem, no drive, depression, etc) that keeps me stuck...the same freedom i love....cause i hate discipline/regiment for the most part..haha, is the thing that self defeats me. one thing about addiction/recovery...i dont sugar coat it, and don't focus on the substance, behavior, etc its really a feelings thing. I remember picking up marianne Williamson's "a course in weightloss" got a chapter in, busted out crying cause i FELT it just like like felt the stuff about the drugs. Wanted no part of it, threw the book across the room....prob went and ate something. I get the whole overwhelming thoughts of "i cant do this anymore, i wont be able to have that, etc".... I had the same thoughts when i knew i had to get clean 15 yrs ago. I used/drank right up to when the cab pulled in to take me to airprt, saved $10 so i could grab a cocktail in the airport....like what we call "letting go with claw marks" in meetings. I will be honest and tell you its been no different this time really. I didnt have a 2 wk preop diet... No "restrictions" up until 8 pm tonight. (surgery is tomorrow, omg).... How do i know addiction is alive and well??? Same thoughts...."oh i better have 12 ho hos, or get donuts from here one last time or go out to eat here..." Its crazy!!! Wanted to eat stuff i hadnt eaten in months or years....only cause I felt i was losing it/option... Not cause i wanted it. Had to reel myself back in, even said "no" to a "last supper" @ fave restaurant. Its not easy, i know. In early recovery i remember beobg at Outback, seeing some tabletop ad for designer margarita or something, and it was assoc with australia trip or whatever. I literally had to get up, leave table, i cried... despairing i would never get to drinking a margarita in Australia. How INSANE is that???? Lmao...like it was a regular thing i was gonna sacrifice....but it was the option, the freedom.. I get it. I still get pissed off that i never got to try an appletini, cosmo, or some of the flavored vodkas they have now. But i look at quality of life now,.vs then...."play the tape" of what even one of those things would lead to... And it passes. One is too many, a 1000 never enough. The beauty if it is this: we only have to make it one day at a time, "just for today, i will not overeat/ stick to my plan/ etc". They told me in early recovery that if i had a thought to use/drink, that i should just tell myself okay you can but do it tomorrow. ( since procrastination is one of my weaknesses, I thought that seems reasonable) .... and so far it has worked because, if I tell myself that everyday, it will always be tomorrow and I won't pick up whatever it is i thought i needed in the moment. The thing about getting it over to a higher power is kind of a balance too. once I understood some of the steps, especially the first 3... I got it, or begin to understand. for me and I always do at some point I was powerless, but I had gotten so good at managing the unmanageability, or so I thought. it was when the un manageability started killing me on the inside, to the point of almost total self loathing and pretty much just waiting to die, that's when I realized I needed to do whatever it took if I wanted to really live. but then I am still a train wreck after I take the drugs or cigarettes or food or booze away.... and that is when i had to bring a higher power in there to help me get it together. that can always be a combination of God, a support network, therapist or whatever works. I think in the beginning of my recovery I used all of that. but that does not mean that you are giving up yourself or your life totally to any of those people or HP. we all have to play a part in any kind of recovery process, or change. I have always been kind of a perfectionist and somewhat of a have to have it my way kind of person... that really doesn't work in recovery, lol. one of the biggest lessons I've had to learn is acceptance willingness an open mindedness. and without those I know I would not have been cleaning this long. there are some things I know I can't change, can't do, can't control... its figuring what you can control and change for yourself that is the key and the other things are what we need to let go of, to God or just let go. I have heard it said that if you let go and let God, he (or she) will move mountains, do miracles, but we need to be willing to show up and bring a shovel. we are responsible for our actions, our decisions and our solutions.. no one can do it for us but, we don't have to do it alone. and we don't have to figure it out all at once. we just need to follow through on our commitment to make a life change, one day at a time. if I started thinking about what I can't do anymore, cant eat, wondering about how much its going to suck I can't have a slice of pizza at a sales meeting two months from now ... I probably would call the hospital and cancelled the surgery right now because I'd be really flipping out... I just know that, just like I made a commitment to myself to not live a crazy life style ruled by drinking and drugs 15 years ago.... I made a commitment to myself this April to not live a life ruled by food, or being fat, facing serious health problems, being told by yet another guy how pretty I am and how beautiful I am on the inside "BUT", etc etc... and I am NOT going to look back. yes I know it's going to be hard, I'm going to have to make sacrifices, I am going to lose some freedom...... but I look at where I was 15 years ago, thinking the same thing about losing the freedom, being ruled by meetings with crappy coffee (lol) and sponsors and other stuff that goes on with staying sober and clean, didn't think I would have any fun...... and I look at life now, how much growth I have gone through, the faith and strength I have as a result of all of that... and I am actually freer now then before, have way more options now than I ever did. and looking at my friends that have done this, I can see the evidence that this will be worth it... and no I need to take the leap of faith that this is just another chapter in living a life beyond my wildest dreams. sometimes you just have to sacrifice what we are used to as options and freedom now, for greater freedom and lost dreams awakened later. True freedom isn't free.

H- lol. I am wordy too. And i do get it...i even get having that job that blows me away i even have now, but i still feel like i dont give "enuf", or dont deserve it. I am capable of it, and more....its all the stuff that goes along with addiction (low.self esteem, no drive, depression, etc) that keeps me stuck...the same freedom i love....cause i hate discipline/regiment for the most part..haha, is the thing that self defeats me. one thing about addiction/recovery...i dont sugar coat it, and don't focus on the substance, behavior, etc its really a feelings thing. I remember picking up marianne Williamson's "a course in weightloss" got a chapter in, busted out crying cause i FELT it just like like felt the stuff about the drugs. Wanted no part of it, threw the book across the room....prob went and ate something. I get the whole overwhelming thoughts of "i cant do this anymore, i wont be able to have that, etc".... I had the same thoughts when i knew i had to get clean 15 yrs ago. I used/drank right up to when the cab pulled in to take me to airprt, saved $10 so i could grab a cocktail in the airport....like what we call "letting go with claw marks" in meetings. I will be honest and tell you its been no different this time really. I didnt have a 2 wk preop diet... No "restrictions" up until 8 pm tonight. (surgery is tomorrow, omg).... How do i know addiction is alive and well??? Same thoughts...."oh i better have 12 ho hos, or get donuts from here one last time or go out to eat here..." Its crazy!!! Wanted to eat stuff i hadnt eaten in months or years....only cause I felt i was losing it/option... Not cause i wanted it. Had to reel myself back in, even said "no" to a "last supper" @ fave restaurant. Its not easy, i know. In early recovery i remember beobg at Outback, seeing some tabletop ad for designer margarita or something, and it was assoc with australia trip or whatever. I literally had to get up, leave table, i cried despairing i would

I got a recipe for spiced pumpkin latte from Unjury this week...they say its better than fourbucks (starbucks)... Will find it and post. Latte, pumpkin, protein... Good combo.

Good luck!!!

Hi Protein Pumpkin pudding (found this searching for recipes, trying it this week) 1 1-oz pkg SF butterscotch pudding 1 c skim milk 2 scoops unflavored Protein powder 1/2 c pureed pumpkin 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice 1/8 tsp nutmeg 1/8 tsp ginger Mix prot pwdr into milk. Blend dry pudding mix, spices in bowl. Pour in milk/prot pwdr mixture, mix well. Add pumpkin. Whisk til mixed. Chill. 120 cal, 11g sugar, 9 g protein, 1 g Fiber.

As a recovering addict/alcoholic, with over 15 years clean... I can say its very simple, not easy at all, but simple: when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, the pain is greater than even the tiniest pleasure or comfort you get from food(or whatever it is we use to 'feel better')... you have the shame, guilt that adds another 100lbs onto your spirit... You want to go to bed and not wake up tomorrow....you have that moment you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself, dont like what you see....but know deep down where that shred of hope and belief in yourself...that somehow the person on the inside who you believe in, you once were, you dreamed of becoming is still in there, and is crying out for one more chance at change, wants out of the self made prison.... THATS WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE READY, and you will be willing to do whatever it takes to change. Whether its food, cigarettes, drugs, overspending, booze, sex, co dependency.... Addiction is addiction....period. Sure, drinking oneself to death or smoking crack, doing pills etc is more obvious, more harmful...way lower bottoms to hit. But, I have found that focusing on the substance, or the "what" we are addicted to is irrelevant... Its addiction. We are powerless over the ADDICTION , & it makes life unmanageable. Addiction is not limited to drugs, cigs, food, booze, etc.... We can always trade one for another, and unless we grasp what addiction or having an addictive personality is about, that will make life unmanageable too. Its emotional, spiritual, physical.and mental. For me, the 12 steps in the "A" programs work (oa, na, aa, etc).. The principles in the steps WORK. Never been to OA...not always thrilled with my own fellowship... My experience with those (incl me long ago) that have said this isnt for me usually werent entirely ready or thought they could do it on their own, or control it. But the same steps and principles, support, meetings, etc I have learned from and practiced for the last 15 yrs that have successfully kept me from using/relapsing....and gave me another shot at life... Are working for me in this journey too.... Rehab was a tool to start me off on the right track 15=yrs ago. It was up to me to continue to do what i needed to do to stay on that path, change, grow, heal...let go of past crap, live differently, make new habits etc.. Change people, places, things....even now. This surgery is a tool for me to get on the right track...because I know and accept I cant do it on my own...like you said food is everywhere, we need it to live...and its easier to.cheat or "relapse" on a cupcake.(or 10) than it is on a drink or drug. Not as much to lose.... Or is there???? Why OA is kinda unrealistic, imho. However, support groups, or a 12 step group that doesnt focus on specific substance, etc are essential, for me. Self sufficiency is a lie. We need each other, people who "get" it...the real it ... Addiction is a feelings disease. I can empathize with someone who shared about pretending to order food for a couple people in the drivethru, when in reality it was all for them... I never did that, but I can look at the behavior, the shame, guilt, feeling of degradation and despair it caused, and relate 100%.. I never thought I was a food addict, but the reality is that I am.. I like and want whatever makes me feel good, takes me out of whatever reality I dont wanna deal with, or need to numb. I usually eat well, yet if over emotional, stressed, etc...i tend to say "f" it, and eat whatever. I wont trade my clean time/sobriety for anything....but you can be sure Id break an eating plan or goal for a box of HoHos or pizza/wings in a second.... Until I realized that was keeping me trapped in a cycle of failure.....just like i was using. I ended up losing myself again, in a fetal position, crying every day... Once again looking in the mirror, saying WTF are you doing ??? You got clean, did all this work on your self with the steps, therapy, go to meetings drinking crappy coffee...have changed your life, in so many ways... To stay stuck again...to hide the beautiful person you are behind all this fat?? Settle again for just enough to get by, not being all you want to be?? (Thats my key...hiding behind the weight, more afraid of success than failure... Something inside still not feeling worthy...) And that was my "bottom" that led to this... So approaching it just like i did the drugs/booze and getting "clean". A lot of recovering people get this surgery...i have at least 6 friends in my network, and met another 5 or 6 at the NA world convention .."randomly" a few wks ago....and its not random. I got my approval on 8/29 while at that convention.... My HP (God for me) put people in my path all weekend that had had WLS, and where it came up in conversation....out of 18000 peeps there... My friend i was there with doesnt get it, questions my decision...and it was affecting me a bit....but BAM, there were peeps who got "it", lived it, were in the process who I just met that built me back up... So, there is something to giving it over to some power greater than ourselves, regardless of who or what that is. Sorry....long. Addiction is just something i understand all too well... Luckily, I also am continuing to learn what recovery, change, growth, etc is even better. thats my two cents....or ten cents, lol.

Okayyyy. Less than a week out. Love hearing or reading from all who have gone before me. not freaking out, yet. Lol. Went to support group at hospital, saw a woman on post op panel just cross her legs, sit indian style with ease, got a bit teary eyed thinking, "i wanna be able to do that again"...& i will!! Sometimes its the little things. no pre op diet here, just put the practices in place... Trying shakes, pureed food recipes eating small every 3 to 4 hours, focussing on liquids, small sips (camelbak is great for this); final purge of all things with too much sugar or fat....replaced with acceptable ones...yogurts, oatmeal, etc. hardest part for me is caffeine, but almost weaned off that... Have had a few small "treats" in last week, worked into the mini meal plan, but trying to do none after today. my dr allows solid food up to 8 pm day before surgery, liquids til midnite. Not looking at that as license for "last supper" as a friend of mine did..lol. Wont be allowed anything til day after surgery, after 2nd test for "leaks" ( GI xray ) is ok. Then they put us right on pureed stuff in hospital. I too am taking my own shakes, just in case...as, well as camelbak. Kinda worried about gettin fluids in as well as self injections of anti coagulent for 2 weeks post op. My guy has agressive clot/DVT/embolism prevention plan, which is fine with me....just the sticking myself will be kinda freaky. So....Monday, 9/23 at 10 am. HW (1/2013) 231 CW 221 GW 130

Got the call this morning.... 3 weeks!!!

Just had mine today. Pretty much what to stop taking (meds, herbal supplements) & when. What to bring, not bring... Personal prep day of surgery, what meds to expect to take, or get before (my surgeon does aggressive prevention on blood clots).. The potential side effects/risks how to prevent and deal with them (pneumonia, clots, gas, nausea).. Post op diet in hospital (ours is pureed food on day 2). Reviewed the 30/30 rule, helpful things to have, use at home. Vitamins, post op nut class, post op appt w/surgeon, etc, etc. our nurse/coordinator had an rny in 1991, so she had 1st hand experience. And we toured the floor, saw the rooms, etc.

Started officially in April 2013. Began thinking about lap band in 2011, but was losing "ok" thru diet change, daily gym exercise, and phentermine. I stopped phentermine, slowly started to gain, relaced a bit on exercise due to new demands on my time, gained more, started yo yoing, got depressed, gave up...then tried phent again. Girl at that WL center said she had the band, I decided in Feb to check it out. Went to seminar Apr 4th...KNEW then and there that I wanted this, decided on RNY. Went with a friend who was a poster child for all that can go wrong, she said she had no regrets, would do it all over again, it changed her life. Knew it was "right" for me, cause I got those tears in my eyes and that gut feeling. Immediately started "the process" of PCP referral, psych appt, nut classes. Saw surgeon in May. Submitted to Cigna in May, took the. 2 weeks, denied. Did what I needed to do to meet what they required, 3 more nut/supervised diet visits, more detailed letter from PCP. Submitted again mid August, turned out I had to do pre op physical stuff so PCP would tell them I was medically cleared. Cigna, smh. Crazy. Got pre op stuff done 8/28, approved 8/30. Surgery is 9/23. I'm 5'1". HW has been 245, CW 223, goal is 135. Wrapping my head around that too....130/135 was 20 + yrs ago....

Jen ... I am.9.23.13 too!!!!

Sept 23rd. Still wrapping my head around getting "that call" on fri 8/30. Wow. Just....wow.

Yes!!!! 9.23.13 just got approved on 8/30.trying to keep calm, prepare, focus on what i need to do....and the pay off in the next months, years. HW: 245 CW: 223 Surgery date: 9.23.13 [ATTACH]4820[/ATTACH]

True! I got on scale today, gained back 5#.. I know im pre monthly cycle.. Increase water, Protein for sure.. Its prob all water weight.

For surgeon/insurance..psych clearance, 3 hr nut class, one on one with nut, 3 hr pre op nut class, abdominal ultrasound, supervised diet documentation (had 5 yrs worth, but did not meet Cigna standards, so got denied, had to do another 3 months with the nut to meet the ins comp demand), physical/blood work, referral/statement of medical neccessity by PCP. surg sometimes wants sleep study done, but didnt have to do that. Surgeon/hospital requires another pre op physical by pcp w/in 30 days of surgery date....HOWEVER, after submitting everything cigna wanted again last week, found they now will not accept the statement of "surgery is not contraindicated" anymore, they require full medical clearance fit it BEFORE they will even authorize it. Soooo...my PCP, despite having full physical in may, wont give the basic med clearance statement to cigna to satisfy them for approval...even though she knows that surg still req the full pre op physical. I cant get in for pre op phys til 8/28. Cigna rep goes on vaca for 2 wks, starting 9/1. If they dont approve in 2 days before she leaves, it will be 9/16 @ earliest before i hear for sure, and then i will have 12 days to get on OR sched before the pre op physical is no longer "good". So, in.reality may have to have two preop physicals. :/ & betting stupid cigna wont cover the second one.... not sure what all the pre op physical entails yet, def ekg, blood labs to check vitamin/iron, etc,...met w/surgeon last week.again ($300 for 20 min, smh) & he had no reservations about my health or readiness... i just want to get this done, tired of insurance bs.

Finally got letter of med necessity from PCP today. Shes been on vacation, completed the 3 month thing last week. I got all teary when I read ot, turned it in....last thing. Cigna denied me once already...did not think original.PCP letter was detailed enough (wasnt really, I had to advocate for myself to get the bulk of info the wanted to see included....wrote my own basically, Dr revised it). They also did not.accept 5 YEARS worth of weight, bmi, bp, fat% etc from a medically managed weight loss program that also used nutritional counseling, etc. In absence of food/diet/exercise documentation, they deemed it solely pharmacological. Didnt count. I was crushed, but glad it worked out this way.....totally believe in Gods timing. So.... Excited, nervous....emotional.... Trying to be patient , planning as if.... Please cross your fingers, pray, do whatever....I am so ready.for this change I can feel it deep down..... Thanks!!!!

Thank you.

good luck. Prayers going up!!