desertmom

254 today!

Greetings,
 
So I have decided to lay off the surgery for a while. God, I totally feel like I am putting the cat among the pigeons here...
 
I have been praying on this every Salat for the past month, hoping that Allah will guide me to making the right decision. And I believe He did, for the time being.
 
Firstly, I had a baby, only a mere 7 months ago - my breasts are still producing milk, even though I have stopped pumping which suggests to me that my hormones dont know whether to scratch their watches or wind their butts..I read that it can take a full year for your bod to get back to normal after having a baby.
 
Secondly, I gotta finish my dissertation this spring break - 12 000 words more to go - Oy Vey!
 
Thirdly, after having read oh so much literature on this surgery, I dont really feel like I have given it 'one last shot'. So I have started. I started the C25K programme which I am loving, and have lost 3kg this week. I bought a set of scales - something I NEVER EVER thought I would do because of my innate fear of them - and have used them.
 
Finally, after having met with my sleeved buddies (who I love TO DEATH) I have decided to give myself two conditions: a) if I become heavier than I am now then I will immediately do the surgery. if I do not become heavier but fail to lose a good amount of weight over the next year, then I will do the surgery.
 
My head has been totally up my butt over this and I have SO much admiration for everyone who has done this surgery. It is a BIG change. But for me, now is not the time. I haven't discounted it at all by any means - I am just giving it a go on my own first. My sleeved buddies are so supportive and so full of wisdom and light - I am so blessed to have met them.
 
Maybe some of you think that I am a complete wuss but I know that most of you will believe that everyone has their own journey to make.
 
All your messages of support and advice have been invaluable. Truly. I'll still be visiting here and blogging my thoughts occasionally.
 
Anyway, good luck to all of you brave hotties. You are all amazing people.
 
Peace, love and light to you all xxx

over the past few weeks I have been on a real roller coaster emosionally.
 
The thing is I did have a what the heck have I done moment while still in hospital but once it was done,how can that matter? I am never an eternal optimist about anything but I cannot look back to often,I just get so angry with myself for lacking the self discipline needed to eat normal.
 
So,I have little moments when I really want to eat...just to eat,not because I am hungry.Then I have moments when I have the pain in my back and abdomen that I am scared it will stay like this forever.Then I have moment s when I think I can drink/eat too much of the liquidized food.Then I fear the acid which I know is present as it affects my voice.
 
Most of all I fear failing at this,not losing the weight,eating when I shouldnt,staying fat!
 
BUT THEN I HAVE MOMENTS WHEN I REALLY BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE WILL BE EASIER.That I will lose weight and be able to have fun with my 11 year old.
That everything will be ok.
 
I dont dwell on any one of these things for too long.They are all fleeting emosions.At the moment I am trying to be patient with not eating solids and to drink enough and to not over do it during the day.
 
And that is good enough for me for now.
Xxo

Today I started the day fast.I wanted to have yogurt with protein powder but could only manage some as it was just to sweet....hehehe,a first ever for me,something being to sweet to eat.
 
Went for tea with a friend and came home only at 15:00.I made a smooth protein thingy with 4 slices of turkey lunch meat which went down well.Only came home again at 19:00 and by then I had had quite a quite a bit of water but I also had a stomach and back ache like you wouldnt believe.the back ache is high up,where my bra is a little to the left directly behind the stomach ache.
 
Made some liquidized,strained soup and had that.wanted a little sweetpotato liquidized and really struggled with all this.Another first for me since this surgery.I never struggled to finish even a full cup of soup before.
 
I think that I should eat a little more frequently as it is only liquids,and I shouldnt be on my feet so much yet.
My one incision is a bit wet and red and if you see what the scars look like on the outside it makes you realize it is not healed altogether on the inside yet.
 
Tomorrow,I will make time to just sit every now and then.And I will take it a little easier.
I should also start tracking my intake a little better but I am super careful at the moment and actually know exactly what I am taking in.For future reference: 100ml yogurt,half cup turkey mousse,half cup strained beef soup,sweetpotato soup made with 120g of sweetpotato and NOT ENOUGH protein.about 40g in total.The calories were about 550-600 calories for the day.I am happy with this for now.