lessoflittlebit

A Letter to My Surgeon...

My first memory of being overweight was in early elementary school. I think it was first grade. We went to PE class, and our teacher told us to sit in the bleachers. He was going to weigh us. He started calling names, and he yelled each weight out to the assistant to record. He called my name, I hopped on the scale, and he yelled, “EIGHTY POUNDS!” All I remember was laughter, sounds of shock, and my tears. I was the heaviest in my class.


After coming home that day in tears, almost 30 years of trying to lose weight began. I think I was overweight as a child because of my wonderful, and I do mean wonderful, family. My grandmother lived with us and would prepare home-cooked, country meals every night. When I wanted food, I got it. It made me happy. Sadly, I do remember trying to diet in elementary school and middle school, but I was never successful. I was embarrassed about the way I looked and extremely self-conscious. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think this might have been the beginning of my mild social anxiety. I was bullied in middle school by my “friends” and by others – all because I was a doormat and afraid to take up for myself because of my weight. The thing I hated most is the teasing over my nickname. My father always called me “Little Bit,” and kids would tease me because they said there was nothing little about me.


High school came, along with boys, and one of the few times I’ve been successful losing weight. I’m not sure how much I weighed as a freshman, but I do remember I was probably a size 18. By my junior year, I was a size 9. It didn’t last very long, but I remember seeing 124 lbs on the scale. I was on Fen-Phen for awhile, and it made me sick. I forgot to eat and even almost passed out once while at band practice as field commander. I still felt overweight. I was still self-conscious and had no idea how beautiful I looked. I lost the weight through lots of walking and a low calorie diet – the pills didn’t do anything. I started dating someone at the tail end of my senior year who didn’t want me to lose weight because “then everyone else would want me.” That relationship ended in a restraining order, and caused enough emotional stress to send me over the edge with my eating. The Freshman 15 turned into the Freshman 50, and before I knew it I was back in plus sizes. Throughout college, I hovered between sizes 16 and 18, tried various diets and some working out, but never had significant loss.


I was married in 2001, and the year before I remember going to the gym to get ready for the wedding. I stepped on the scale and it read 209 lbs. I didn’t panic and thought it was temporary, but it wasn’t. An emotionally abusive marriage and basically non-existent husband caused me not to think about my eating. I would occasionally try Weight Watchers, go to the gym for a month or so, but old habits always crept back in. Food was comfort and enjoyment for me, because I didn’t have those things anywhere else in my life.


After four-and-a-half years of a miserable marriage, I was divorced in 2005 with my weight being one of the reasons he left. After that trauma was over, I felt better…like I was getting a fresh start. I went back on Weight Watchers and really started exercising. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, which was long overdue. I was sleeping well for the first time ever. I was seeing progress, and over the summer when I returned to school, my fellow teachers were shocked when they saw me. I was still well over 200 lbs and still wearing a Lane Bryant size 18/20, but I guess that just goes to show how big I had become. Shortly after that, another emotional crisis caused me to become severely depressed and give up on the diet. My parents filed bankruptcy, and my father, who had been sick since I was in middle school with Parkinson’s disease, was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. I had to move both my mother and my father up from Campbellsville to Lagrange with me, because of financial reasons and my father was so sick that my mother couldn’t care for him by herself.


The first three years were “good” compared to what was coming. I was able to diet and go to the gym. I did Weight Watchers again, actually went to meetings, and lost a little under 40 lbs. I hit a plateau at 221 lbs. Even with diet and exercise and working with a trainer at the gym when I could afford it, I couldn’t get out of the 220s. After a couple of months of this, I slowly quit watching what I ate. Shortly after that, Dad really went downhill. You would have to be familiar with Lewy Body Dementia to know what my mother and I were going through caring for him, and my mother also had her health issues – COPD, morbid obesity, and two bouts of pulmonary embolisms. Needless to say, I was not taking care of myself at all, and I got bigger and bigger. I went to the doctor and weighed in at 260 lbs for the first ever. That was when the weight loss surgery conversation began. I went to a Norton Seminar and started the 6-month qualification process. This was in 2011. I knew with my home situation, I was never going to be able to lose the weight on my own. In the meantime, Dad got even sicker. I couldn’t even make my monthly appointments, and knew I couldn’t commit to the lifestyle changes the surgery would require, so I put it on hold.


The next year was pure hell. I started therapy and was put on anti-anxiety medication for panic attacks. Honestly, there was no attempt at weight loss during this time. I was just trying to manage to get out of bed every day and make it through work. My father passed away in June of 2012 after a 17+ year battle with that disease. I had been mourning him for years, so the recovery process has been manageable with the help of Hosparus. When I went back to work in July, I was ready to start concentrating on me, and my mother was with me. We started the Health Management Resources diet at Baptist East Milestone, and were losing weight. I was ready to add exercise to my regimen. When I went back to work, I noticed that stairs hurt. They hurt badly. My knees felt like there were knives going through them every time I took a step, and soon it started to hurt when I walked. I started losing less weight through HMR because the other girls in my class were working out, and I couldn’t. I got frustrated and went to the gym to try the bike and the elliptical, which I loved. I couldn’t, and still can’t, do either one. My doctor ran tests and diagnosed me with Grade 4 Chondromalacia. I was crushed. How did I get Runner’s Knee when I don’t run? She said it was a combination of my weight and the squatting and lifting I did for my dad. He fell a lot, so I would squat down and lift him. I knew this was what caused it when I tried to lift my mom the other week – it felt much worse than stairs. I got so frustrated I would cry myself to sleep every night. I knew then that I wasn’t going to be able to do this on my own without exercise. I am hypothyroid, and my metabolism is none existent. I’m on Celebrex, which helps my knees a little, but not enough to burn the calories I need and want to burn. I have NEVER lost weight without exercise, and now I can only walk. I can’t walk fast, and eventually the pain in my knees starts. It is extremely frustrating.


I have many eating habits that I am trying to break. Working in a school as an assistant principal is not an easy place to diet. Sweets and treats are all around, and my security guard will go get me anything I want for lunch. I’m at a middle school surrounded by restaurants, so you have Qdoba, Wendy’s, KFC, McDonald’s, you name it! He has learned only to ask me what I want for lunch on Fridays. I’m not a fried food eater – I love Italian, Chinese, and Mexican. Hi, my name is LB and I’m a carboholic. I could live off cheese and pasta and bread, which has got to go, and I am slowly making progress on adding more fruits and vegetables and more lean protein. The only sweet that is dangerous for me is ice cream. Graeter’s strawberry – that’s my favorite. I can eat a whole pint without even thinking about it. I don’t do it often; in fact, I can’t remember the last time I did that. I think it was over Christmas break, so I’ve been doing much better. Now if I can just stay away from the Blizzards – I haven’t had one in at least two weeks. I’ve replaced ice cream with Greek yogurt, and so far it is working! I eat as a reward, I eat for comfort, I stress eat, and I eat out of boredom, which is ridiculous since I’m working on my dissertation and easily work 12 hours days. When do I have time to be bored? Maybe I also eat out of avoidance…that’s a new thought, but it’s true. It’s hard to write when you are shoveling chips and buffalo chicken dip in your mouth. I also eat waaaaay too fast…a technique picked up by 20 minute lunches while teaching. As an AP, you can work at your desk and eat at the same time, so I’m working on putting the fork down and taking my time, but big bites are going to be a habit that is hard to break.


After reflecting on all of this, and remembering what Dr. Geller said at the seminar in 2011 that really stuck with me – only three percent of people who are morbidly obese lose weight and keep it off without medical intervention. I AM NOT THE 3% and I am not ashamed to admit that. I know that Roux-en-Y is the only answer for me, and I know it is not an easy and quick fix. I turn 35 in May – my ovaries will be dead soon. (That’s a joke with me and my friends.) I have tried everything – from good ol’ WW, to Phenteramine, to Fen-Phen, to HMR, to Slim Fast, to Shapefast, and probably about a dozen other diet attempts that I can’t remember. I’m almost 35 – I have osteoarthritis in my knees and soon my back, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. My thyroid sucks. A year ago I did not have any of those issues, but here comes 35 and here come to co-morbidities. I know me. I know my habits. I know that the Ben and Jerry’s will melt deliciously in my mouth and slip right through a Lap Band. I need dumping syndrome. I need drastic. And honestly, I do want something that will get a chunk of this off quickly. My anxiety and depression are well under control. I actually am starting to already feel better about myself, but I will never be my best without permanent weight loss. It has controlled my life for 34 years, and I am over it. I wish I had kept up with the qualification process when I started in 2011, but I’m not beating myself up about it. It wasn’t my time, but now it is.


I am currently 242.8 lbs with a BMI of 43 as I write this. I want this surgery for my health first and foremost. I couldn’t say that a few years ago, but now it is just an embarrassment. I see what my mom is going through, and though right now it is easy to pop the Lipitor and Lisinopril, I know what the long term affects will be. The breaking point was the patella-femoral syndrome. I can’t explain the embarrassment of being a middle school assistant principal and having to take the elevator for one flight of stairs. I want my health back. I want to be able to go to the gym with my friends and walk up to the top floor of the LAC where the women work-out. I want to be able to run in 5Ks. And though I hate to admit it, I know I will never have a functional relationship until I fully love myself, and right now, there is too much of me to love. I want to have kids. I want to live a long life so I can see them grow-up. I want to live a normal, happy life, and this surgery is the tool I’m missing. I’m working on lifestyle changes and am pursuing therapy (even though my last therapist said I didn’t need it!). I am ready for permanent change. I have started a blog to record my journey. For the first time since I can remember, I am hopeful and excited about my future. Please give me Roux-en-Y as a tool to help me become my most fabulous self.