petuniap

I can't believe it's been 5 months since my last blog entry...thought I'd be better about keeping it up. So...I didn't starve in India....in fact I may have lost a pound or so. That mostly vegetarian diet started doing my head in though....I am not meant to give up meat! It's cute to see me so excited about weighing 219.8 in a previous entry. I'm glad I got there and enjoyed that moment but I realize now that it's still so far from "normal". I made it down to about 213 and then got stuck again. Holiday season and general job stress kept me there for months. While in India, a coworker told me about her sister-in-law who was trying a new workout method....Crossfit. Everything she told me about it sounded like what i needed.....group classes where the coach actually got to know you and paid attention to your workouts, a combination of strength as well as metabolic conditioning exercises, a gym that emphasizes community, not just impersonally walking on a treadmill for an hour. It took me a few months after coming back to check it out but I took their Foundations class and liked it so much, I signed up for the 2x a week plan. I would eventually like to get up to 3x or even 4x a week, but Crossfit isn't your typical workout and when you were/are as out of shape as I am, you have to build up skills and strength before going whole hog. Work has been so stressful lately (which also isn't helping my weight loss) that I struggle to make it 2x a week (their beginner classes are only offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays) but the more I go, the more I enjoy so I plan to keep at it. Crossfit makes you painfully aware of how unfit you are and it also made me painfully aware that one of the ways I was going to get better at it , besides consistently attending class, was to lose weight. Funny how that's been my endeavor for my whole life and a bigger focus in the last 2 years but it took taking on a very physically demanding workout to really make that fact stand out. I started dieting again this week....a very strict and challenging diet...and immediately lost 5 lbs this week. I know that some of that is just water weight but my snug size 16 Lane Bryants from November started to feel loose this week. I caught myself hiking them up a couple of times and seeing some extra material around the thigh area. Signs of progress but....I still ended up slipping this weekend and eating forbidden junk food and sweets. I'm lucky to work somewhere where there are healthy prepared food choices 5 days a week, making it much easier to follow this plan but clearly, I am unprepared for weekends. And as I am actively looking for another job, once I lose access to their food, will I slip again? A friend of mine has been posting blast from the past pictures this week from a time when we were spending a lot of time together. I didn't let a lot of pictures get taken of me at my largest but somehow, she got quite a few shots in. It's shocking to see how big I was....and walking around like I wasn't! Was it confidence? Or complete denial? I think the latter. And while they are tough pictures to look at, they make me proud too....I'm glad I didn't shut myself off from living....even at my largest, I was out there grooving on the dance floor, going to weddings and concerts, and enjoying life. And I'm also happy that I don't look like that anymore...they are a good reminder of the progress I have made. So even when I see myself now and know I still have so far to go....there's photographic evidence of how far I have come as well. Here's to keeping up the good fight....no matter how long it takes. To sum up this blog entry....weight - somewhere around 207-208 (depending on the time of day), mood - unsure if I can keep eating the way that will truly take me to goal. But looking forward to Crossfit which represents progress.

This week has been extremely challenging....I'm really stressing out about how unprepared I feel for this upcoming trip and as a result, my eating is all over the place. It's all the wrong foods, far too much snacking...a lot of poor choices. It's crazy how quickly you can swing from eating almost perfectly to finding yourself putting things in your mouth for no good reason. I find that I don't even enjoy the taste of most of the things I am eating anymore...the last thing I really enjoyed and which made me feel good was some really high-quality, excellent dark Mexican chocolate given to me by a friend which i waited a day to eat because I was low-carbing it the day before. Not only did I enjoy the experience of eating it but it gave me a happy feeling, there was a spring in my step about an hour later and I couldn't figured out until I remembered the chocolate! And I felt happy because I thought...how great is it that I can feel this happy after only a 1/3 of a chocolate bar! Well worth the calories/changing body chemistry/or whatever else. But all of this other junk food has not given me the same spring. It's just stress-eating and it's unsatisfying and doesn't solve anything. Ugh. My coworkers keep telling me that I should take snacks from the office to India with me for times when I am hungry and there is nothing safe to eat. But I don't want to...not sure those snacks will even make it to India...scared I'd eat them on the way to the airport and feel sick about it. I'm only going for 2 weeks...no one has ever starved to death in 2 weeks. And there'll be plenty to eat in Thailand. I'm glad I started this blog because it does give me a place to work out these issues and see where I am at different stages and realize that just because I'm happy about 219.8 one day (now 220.8) doesn't mean I've won the war. Still a lot of head work to be done here.

Wow, this weight loss ride is a trip. So I have had some SV and NSV since my last blog post and I can hardly wrap my head around them! 1. SV - my scale said 219.8 this morning. WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY??? I can NOT remember the last time I weighed anything like that. 219.8??? I remember when my goal was 250. Then I got stuck at 238 for like...a year! Then my goal was 225. But 219 is a number I never even dared hope for. Crazy. HOWEVER...still have a lot of work to do. I need to start exercising in earnest. Long walks are nice but it's not where it needs to be yet. But I'll beat myself up over that some other time....219.8! 2. A guy in my office left on a months long business trip in June. Before he left, we had drinks and all he talked about was "hot chicks". Now....I'm not interested in this guy in a romantic way, but still...it was clear that I was NOT being included in that classification. I sort of vowed that I'd lose some weight while he was gone..."I'll show him!" At first, I wasn't doing the work and thought...this will be yet another time I DON'T lose weight. But then I recommitted. He's back now and we made plans for catch-up drinks. As we were finalizing, he said "have you changed your hair?" (that old saw ) I said no and then...he gave me the old up and down eye scan! This is a new one to me...I've seen guys do it to other women...the "ok, you've got a pretty face but what does the rest of you look like?" But I've rarely had it happen to me. But today, it happened! He said that he wasn't sure what was different (really?) but that it was "working for me". Doesn't exactly make me a "hot chick" but a step in the right direction! I'm not one to judge my all of my efforts by male reactions but darn it if I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment all the same! Speaking of male reaction, I think as my confidence has grown, my radar is much more attuned. I'm noticing more male attention. Not to say it's all due to 20 or so lbs...more likely, I wasn't paying attention before because of low self-confidence. But I'M reacting differently now...not averting my gaze, letting my own looks linger a bit. Great NSV there. I hope to get to the point where I don't bolt for the hills when some guy tries to make a connection. 3. Halloween hooray! I wore a cute costume for the first time ever with calf hugging boots for the first time ever. Nice! And I didn't hate myself in the pictures....even nicer! Not hating myself in pics is DEFINITELY an NSV. I aspire to actually like myself in pics someday! 4. Oh yeah, the title of my post! I went to Lane Bryant for some winter clothes and....their 1x shirts were looking a little big. :w00t: I skeptically took a pair of size 16 jeans, their lowest size into the dressing room...and they fit snugly, not tight, snug, the way jeans are supposed to fit. That was last week...now they are a bit loose in the thigh. I found a Venezia size 1 jeans on sale for $3.99 and I have no idea what size they are supposed to be but they looked *small*. This morning, I was able to button and zip. Not yet ready for primetime but maybe by end of year if all goes well? Now I know that Lane Bryant's vanity sizing has gotten out of hand but I am MORE than ready to leave that store behind. Now into Old Navy XXL which is AWESOME because it means that I can run into any Old Navy and buy some clothes just because I forgot to pack something (travel a lot for business) or because they have something I like. Yippee! Next comes a challenge...a business trip for 3 weeks to India and Thailand. My medical doctor has warned me....no veggies, salad, fruit...basically nothing that has been washed in water in India under any circumstances unless I want to get violently ill. He actually said..stick to curries and fried things. You would think I'd be looking forward to it but I'm not really. Not that I'm some vegetable lover all of a sudden but also not looking forward to going backwards. But I have learned a few tricks in the last few weeks...like only eating enough to stop hunger and not a bite more. Pushing the plate away with enough food for another 2 meals has gotten MUCH easier. I don't really care what others think about it anymore, and I don't feel guilty for "wasting" food. So hoping to at least "hold steady" by keeping portions small. Won't worry too much about not getting in enough calories or macronutrients, or eating "too much"...I'll live. Onward!

If you can't eat properly...the band is too tight. I resisted a too tight band because I was miserable not being able to eat normally with normal sized bites along with my friends. It helps sooo much when you can eat normally AS LONG AS you eat the right things! We all slip and eat foods we shouldn't when we can but tight or loose, the only way to truly lose this weight and keep it off is to learn how to change your eating habits for good and to start exercising. Can't rely on a tight band to do the work for you...it's not sustainable and you will never be happy with your results. So go to your doctor, explain that you are ready to make this band work for you and let him help you. We can do this!

This is my first blog entry, despite having been banded for about 18 months now. I had imagined that 18 months after surgery, I would be as skinny as I ever wanted to be and would be enjoying everything I imagined that life contained. I'd be happy, I'd have found someone to share my life with. I might even be pregnant. Well, unfortunately, none of that has happened. But this isn't going to be a "Debbie Downer" post, it's actually a hopeful one! The thing no one tells you, or more accurately, that everyone tells you but you either can't or won't hear it, is that a band alone will not make you thin. It won't solve the reasons you got so big in the first place and it won't get you to exercise. What it can do is change the amount of food you eat. That change helped me lose about 65 lbs. Some people might think that 65 lbs in 18 months isn't much (I'm sort of one of the people) but knowing that instead of being over 300 lbs now (where I was surely headed), I've not only maintained more than 50lbs off for a year and recently lost another 10, means that I have accomplished something I thought was impossible pre-band. So, despite a few minor issues, I'm THRILLED to have been banded and am now coming to the realization that the band has taken me as far as it can on it's own. Now I have to take it the rest of the way. The good news is that the past month or so has led me to believe that I can. Simply put, I got back on a heathier eating track. Instead of eating anything I want, just in smaller portions and drinking whatever I want, I've gotten to a point where I am eating like someone who wants to keep losing weight. That's not to say I am where I need to be...in fact, I have spent the better part of this weekend figuring out why the first 7 lbs lost since I recommitted to weight loss fell off and the last 3 have been a battle. But I think I have figured that out and am now ready to march forward towards that weight loss goal again. It's going to be a hard journey, I'm not fooling myself about that...and I will struggle every day and fall, probably alot. But I am looking forward to getting back on the horse and keep at it until I get to where I want to be. Hopefully, in another 18 months, I'll be there, but if not, I at least hope to still be trying. This is a journey, not a race and I'm ready to take another fork in the road.

Today was by far the hardest day of my post-op phase in regards to the diet. I have started to get physically hungry but that's not really a huge problem...it's easily satisfied. But the head hunger is KILLING me. I decided to go the movies with a friend today and that was possibly too difficult a challenge at this stage. I'm so used to eating at the movies and this time I couldn't. Meanwhile, my thin friend is eating a philly cheesesteak and a side of fries next to me while the entire theatre smells like popcorn and hot dogs. I have to confess that I broke down and had a few plain M&Ms. Not wise at this stage, I know!!! I made sure they were truly melted before I swallowed and I washed down with lots of Water but I still know it wasn't a good idea! I've been trying to avoid social situations now for nearly 3 weeks because I was afraid of something like this happening but it's been difficult. After a long period of not being that social, I recently started getting out there and met a new bunch of people that I have been going out with. Getting involved with a social group and then trying to ditch them hasn't been as easy as expected. Plus there are my regular friends who are starting to wonder why I am SO busy and can't get together. I didn't think 4-5 weeks would be this long for some reason but it's turning out to be the longest time of my life. And even when I can "eat normally" again...I'm so nervous about the eating aspect of socializing...it's easy to say that I should just avoid social situations that involve eating but it's easier said than done. I live in NYC...we don't go bike riding or hiking here...we go to dinner and drinks. That's the culture. I don't even own a bike! I guess I am just stuck for coping mechanisms in this kind of an environment...when where everyone considers themselves a "foodie" and no matter what activity we do, it always ends up in a bar/restaurant. Don't even get me started on work, which I return to on Monday. We have a free gourmet cafeteria in the office so EVERYONE eats together every single day. I've already been questioned about new "eating habits" and I dread going back to more questions and more avoidance. I guess I'm just totally frustrated right now and feeling like a failure. Any ideas as I still have ANOTHER 2 weeks of eating like a freak?

It's nice to read this thread and see that I am not the only one struggling. I have lost 50 of the 150 lbs I want to lose but my habits have gotten waaay out of control again. I stopped losing about 1 month and a half ago...only 4 months out of surgery and while I've only gained back about 7lbs, I know it's a slippery slope. Part of the problem is needing a fill, anything and everything goes down without a problem...but my doctor is so busy that it's another week and a half before I go in again. But I know a fill is only part of the problem...I have to get my mental issues back in check. My job has gotten very stressful and I've been dealing with it by eating, eating, eating. I also plan on scheduling some time with a counselor to try and address the mental issues that are causing me to turn to food in times of stress. I went through a lot to get this surgery and I have a strong desire to lose this week and I have been encouraged by my successes so far...why is it so darn hard to stay on track??

Love the idea of this thread! So good to know how other people are doing. 1. WEIGHT- So far, I've lost 17 lbs since surgery 6 weeks ago...27 total. Gained during liquid/mushy phase right after surgery but that first fill did the trick for awhile. Was losing a pound a day until this wknd...went to a friend's bbq and lost much of my self-control. It's been a struggle since then. 2. FILLS- I've had one fill...heard the dr. say that she was putting in 2.5 cc but to be honest, I haven't asked her what size my band is and how much Fluid is in there. Don't want to get all hung up on that. 3. RESTRICTION- For the week right after my fill, I was pretty tight. Never got to a point where I couldn't eat solids but had to eat slooowly and chew very well or pay the price - painful. Now I am in bandster hell. I am hungry 2-3 hours after I eat instead of 4-5. 4. RULES- I'm doing mostly ok on the rules, which I find shocking because broke the rules during pre- and post-op phases. Not drinking with meals or for 30 min after. ZERO bread or Pasta. I have had a smidgen of white potatoes. I practice chewing but I could be chewing much more...even though I HATE that terrible feeling you get when a bigger bite is going through after not being chewed up enough, i still have a problem chewing as much as I should. And I'm still taking much bigger bites than I should. But because it's easier to get away with now that they band has loosened up, I am still doing it. The one rule I cannot follow is only 3 meals a day and no snacking. I get so hungry! It's more like 3 meals a day with a mid-afternoon and evening snack. Really want to get rid of those Snacks and I'm hoping another fill helps with that. 5. ANYTHING ELSE- I'm having a terrible time with head hunger. I constantly gripe and complain about how this is just another diet...and a non fun one at that. I feel like a bad bandster for complaining but there you have it. Up until this past wknd, I was doing good at ignoring the head hunger but that bbq triggered something and led to a mini-binge. Of course it was about 1/4 of what would have been a binge before but it halted my weight loss, nonetheless. My job is stressful and making me unhappy and I decided to deal with it by eating. I had one too many sweet potato fries in a large bite and bam! Stuck. Wow, it was one of the worst things I have ever experienced.:cursing: It lasted about 15 minutes but it felt like an eternity. i was scared to drink Water and I desperately didn't want it to come back up becuase I knew I'd have to go on liquids if that happened. Eventually it went down. I'll never shove that many sweet potato fries in my mouth again! Also, I learned that some foods trigger me. Crackers - I love 'em but I'll have to give them up. And no more 100-calorie snacks. I can't just have them occasionally, I have 1 every day. So I won't buy them once I run out of this batch. There is a learning curve to this for sure. I definitely thought it was going to be easier than this. But nothing about this has been easy. The thing keeping me going is feeling my clothes get looser and seeing my face get ever so slightly thinner. In certain lights, I can even see the hint of my collar bones:thumbup: Sorry for rambling!

Ok, so I have had some pretty frustrating meals since my first fill and I'm hoping the more experienced bandsters can help me out. 3-4oz of Protein + 1/2 cup of veggies + pencil eraser sized bites + only 20 minutes of eating time = does not compute. I am finding that there is NO WAY I can get down that quantity of food in the 20-30 minute time frame that I am supposed to be eating for. Last night, I ate for 45 minutes and I only got through the 4 oz of fish and maybe an 1/8 cup of veggies before I quit. Bigger bites = painful going down Smaller portions = hungrier before the 4-5 hours Longer eating time = warnings from posters that food is already starting to go down into the lower stomach so you are just enabling yourself to eat more. What am I missing here???

Both. Sometimes it's because I am "full" and sometimes because I am tired of eating. If I'm eating something that is going down more easily, like Soup, I stop because I'm nervous about overeating. I'm still getting used to what I think my "full" feeling is..I don't really know. I haven't gotten to the stage where overeating makes me throw up so I don't really know what the stop point is. Last night, I sort of felt like my stomach was a small cup and the food in it was on the verge of overflowing. So I stopped eating. But I have no way of knowing if that's "full" or "over full". I was hungry again 2 1/2 hours later and that kind of freaked me out since I was supposed to be done eating for the day. So far, it's been a week since my first fill and I'm losing a pound a day. I know it's not real fat loss since you can't lose a pound of fat a day but I am about 6-7 pounds down since last Wednesday. Not sure if that means I'm not getting enough calories in...I'm not sure of anything really! I do have another fill appointment in 2 weeks so I plan to ask my doctor but I was hoping to get some info before then from bandsters who have been at this for awhile.

Mid-chest. It's definitely much less than it was when I first got my adjustment last week but it's still there. It caused by bites that are too big or too frequent after a previous bite. That's the hardest adjustment for me, eating the tiny bites as slowly as the band seems to require. Lunch is my hardest meal because I eat with coworkers and I always feel self-conscious when they are already finishing their lunch and I've barely started.

So I had a set back today. I went to lunch and started eating some crab meat, and a falafel with some hummus. Ever since I got my first fill, I've been having a hard time getting anything down without feeling pain and this meal was no exception. Then all of a sudden, I'm not sure why but I got super nauseous. I couldn't even finish my meal, I was done. I didn't throw up but it was touch and go there. I'd barely eaten anything. Then we had a "surprise" happy hour in the office and without thinking I headed for the chips and salsa. I know that chips and salsa isn't a bad option if you keep the portion very small. But when my small portion went down without incident, it turned into a bigger portion. It went down so easily! Easily the most pain-free meal I've had since last Wednesday. I've been reading about the "food trance" many obese people go into when overeating and I was in full trance mode. I don't think I came out of it until I was back at my desk and thought about how much I'd eaten. This incident made me really nervous because I think I was using the pain as a crutch and counting on it to stop me from eating more than I should. I know that eating shouldn't be painful and I shouldn't count on that but it was shocking how quickly my brain switched off and I reverted back to old habits once there was "nothing" to stop me. It made me realize that I still have a long way to go in this journey and I have to plan for "surprises"...what do I do when confronted with an eating situation I wasn't prepared for?

I had my first fill 2 days ago. I was so happy...but now, I'm not so sure. I have such a feeling of pressure in my chest...it pretty much lasts all day and last night I had trouble falling asleep because of it. I tried eating a piece of fish last night and even though I was starving...it was a miserable experience. It really hurt going down. Finally, I figured out that my bites were probably too big so I started taking the pea sized bites everyone talks about. That eased the pain up somewhat but eating bites that small and chewing so much was so tedious! Also, the fish got cold and 30 minutes after sitting down, I'd only managed to eat about 3 oz. I gave up after that because I read that if you are still eating after 15-20 minutes, you should stop to avoid stretching the pouch. I didn't slime or PB or anything but I was hungry again an hour later. I ended up eating Soup with tomato chunks and the pressure intensified to pain again. I'm really wondering if this what I can expect from now on or am I too tight. I want to lose weight so I am partly glad that eating is such a chore and is somewhat painful since that will modify my behavior for sure but I also don't want to live with this feeling in my chest every day. My dr told me to come back in 3 weeks for fill #2 and I'm not sure if I should wait it out and see how the fill settles or if I should go back in.

So I waited a few days and the pressure has subsided. It's not gone completely but it's not as bad as it was on day 1. I am learning that I have to take smaller bites and eat much more slowly otherwise it hurts like hell. There's a steep learning curve to this bandster lifestyle!

I jsut got my first fill today...I'm supposed to be on liquids for 2 days and then mushies for 2 days. I think this is how the weight loss happens...so many days without real food! I drank some Water in the office and I felt it go down slowly. I also had Soup and apple juice at lunch...I can feel it going down but it does go down. However, I have a bit of pain in my chest and my shoulders...is that normal?

Thanks KMCD and ALuv82 for the wise words. I've been doing much better on mushies. I am looking forward to ending mushies in 2 more days! My first fill is scheduled for a week or so after I end mushies and not a moment too soon as my hunger is returning. Thanks again for the support!

I was banded on April 27 and in the last few days, I've slipped on my diet...eaten things that are not really mushy. I think it's because I wasn't really mentally prepared for how hard this was going to be. I went shopping yesterday and bought the proper food to eat to help me right my ship and was just wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing. *Please no lecturing responses. I understand the reasons for the post-op diet and I understand the risks of non-compliance. Just really looking more for support to stay on the right track now*

Thanks for the responses, lingling and terebel. I've been doing much better and staying on mushies. What I am finding though is that my portion sizes are larger than they probably should be. Still hard for my eyes to adjust to what portion sizes are appropriate. But that will come with more practice. Thanks again!

Today is day 10 since my surgery and I get to move to mushies tomorrow...thank goodness! I'm not that hungry and I think it's because I stayed away from anything with too much sugar during my liquid phase....very little fruit juice. I stuck to Protein shakes and Soup. But to be honest, I got very tired of both and skipped many, many "meals". It was either that or cheat and I figured cheating would be worse. I am losing a pound a day but I'm already preparing myself to expect that to either stop or even reverse once I move to mushies. I am still planning to try to avoid too much sugar during mushies...I truly dread that painful, gnawing hunger I had during the pre-op phase. Going to try and keep it protein based. As for restriction, I have none yet..but I expected that. I don't think my doctor put any Fluid in during surgery and I am not one of the lucky ones that feels restriction just because the band is there. So for people that are concerned about everything going down well, that's how it's supposed to be. Your first fill probably won't do the trick either...I've seen people say it took them 3,4 or even 5 fills until they felt true restriction. So that could be months from now!:thumbsup: It's a good time to start practicing the bandster rules of protein first and also watching those carbs/sugar intake. Right now, my chief concerns are how itchy my scars are and how much pain I feel on my left side...at what I thought was port site...but it's not! I was feeling my stomach last night and it felt like my doctor put the port dead center of my body...not too happy about that!

mlat1822, I was banded on the same day as you and had a similiar experience on my first day back. I hadn't had much gas pain at all, but as the work day progressed, sharp pains in my shoulder and chest became more and more intense. I did some walking on the way home and then took my Lortab. I have yet to see my dr. for the one week follow-up to ask about the pain but since I woke up pain free this morning, I assume it was gas related.

Thanks Pottergirl. I take it your friends know you are banded? My friends and coworkers don't know and I don't plan on telling them..I feel the band is personal medical information. I think once I can eat real food again, things will be easier because I can explain to my friends that I am "on a diet" but being on the liquid stages and then the mushy stages makes it harder to get calories in front of others without questions being asked. After I wrote my post, I thought about what was missing and I can see that I didn't plan well enough. I thought willpower would carry me through and you would think I have learned by now that willpower alone will not get me through to my goal. I probably should have had a low cal drink besides Water that I could sip on throughout the movie. Any other coping strategies out there that experienced bandsters can suggest? Should movies be off limits until I have things better in hand?