Linda9009

This is my very first blog ever. My name is Aimee, I am 33 years old and from MN. I have 3 children and have been married just over one year. I started this process on July 27th, 2012 and I have (hopefully) 2 more weeks or so before I get my surgery date. I just had my first appt with my surgeon and he wanted me to be at my goal weight before surgery was scheduled plus he wanted some medical records from 2000, and wants me to practice taking my meds the way I need to take them after surgery for the next two weeks.
 
So now it's on me how quickly this surgery gets scheduled. I've been approved. I got him the medical records he requested and i'm working on my meds and weight loss. I went in there in July weighing 315. I now weigh 311. Two weeks ago I was at 308 but once I was approved I began cheating like there was no tomorrow. I didnt know I needed to be at goal weight to have it scheduled!! I would've never done that. My goal weight is 298, so I have 13 lbs to lose in two weeks. I first started out eating a low carb diet, but now I switched to 2 protein shakes a day and then a high protein meal for dinner and only veggies for a light snack if necessary. I cheated since my last appointment, which was Tuesday until today--no cheating at all!! Not even one piece of halloween candt today or pizza while my family ate that for lunch. I'm proud of myself today. It's very hard for me not to cheat. I just talked to my husband about it today and I need to get some help, like counseling or something because I know the BIG picture here but yet I continue to sabotage myself and I want to be down to that goal weight no less than two weeks from the 30th- which will be Nov. 13th. I have issues with food that i'm sure a lot of people can relate to but I just don't knoiw anyone that does personally, like I do.
 
This has been a long process and i'm hoping for a date in December, but i'm having issues with that also. My insurance only approved me to have the surgery until December 31st, 2012, and my boss does not want me to have it before Christmas, which I need to comply with. So I am looking at the week of Christmas, if my surgeon will even be doing surgery that week or else looking at getting an extension for my approval from my insurance company. My surgeon is in no hurry to get me in either. I have a history of Pulomnary Embolisms and he's very concerned about that, along with my ability to lose the weight that I need to, plus I take meds for anxiety and depression that I will need to continue after surgery and they need to be taken in a very new way and he wants me used to that now. This is all managable. I can do this, but i'm very nervous because I cheat at my diet and haven't been putting forth the effort that I should be for this. It makes me nervous because I do not want to cheat at this after surgery and I do not want to fail at this. This is HUGE- it is life changing and I just want to be able to succeed at weight loss. I kind of feel like the surgery hasn't happened yet and I don't need to be as diligent as I will be then-or something..I feel like once I have the surgery, there's no turning back and I won't have a choice in losing the weight because it's do or die time then, but what's my issue now then? Why can't I buckle down? I guess I did today, so theres the first step.
I need to stop letting food control me. It is always on my mind, it's always there and always will be. I have a family of 5 and food isn't going to disappear. Today I did what I needed to do but I had my breakfast shake at like lunch time, then when it was dinner time I had dinner and then my "lunch" shake after dinner because I was still hungry. I had a snack of green beans in between lunch and dinner time and then a bowl of chicken and veggies when I got to work tonight at 11:30pm. I will be burning lots of calories tonight as I work at a group home and clean all night long. I'M HUNGRY still!!! It's not just in my head- im not only obsessing about food today, im physically hungry. I drank 3, 64 oz. cups of crystal light today- so i'm plenty hydrated. Maybe it's the artificial sweetner in the crystal light that's making my hungry- i've read that sweetners can do that.
I am usually not an emotional person either- well I think my meds have something to do with that, but anyways, today i've been emotional. My husband and I are not doing well in our relationship. We've been together 6.5 years, just married over one year now. We started out hot and heavy- mind you, I was at about a size 10 then. As the years passed, I gained and gained and gained my weight. My weight has always been up and down- but after my third child, my husband and I went through a very rough patch when he was born and since then I continued to gain uncontrollably. I was even planning mny huge wedding and instead of losing weight, I almost didn't get into my dress the day of the wedding. I got even more depressed after the wedding- i was in a bad funk for a bout 5 months and reached 321 lbs. Thats the highest I ever saw the scale go. I eventually came out of my funk but our marriage had suffered and still is. We dont sleep in the same bed - EVER, let alone the same story of the house because I snore really bad and he's a light sleeper. This has never been an issue for either one of us until recently for me. See, he spends most of his time, when he's off of work, in his bedroom. He will take the baby with him usually but he hardly spends any time downstairs with me and my two kids ( from previous relationship) This is a HUGE problem for me. H e is aware of it and has been "trying" to spend more time downstaris with us but it's been minimal. We used to be best friends. We used to only want to hang out with each other because none of our friends were as fun as each other was. Now we hardly speak to one another and we both have resentments towards each other and my wieght plays a huge role in our relationship as well. I am now a size 24--I am hardly recognizable from who I used to be. We have NO sex life. He claimns it's because of my weight- that i'm too embarassed about it in bed and he has to do all of the work and it just doesnt work well. I think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. We just dont have a relationship anymore and it's so sad. We've talked amny of nights about this surgery and how it's going to help our relationship in many ways but it scares me to think that right now is so so bad and because I lose wieght- everything will be ok...Thats hurtful and wrong. If he cant love me unconditionally, then how will this improve our relationship?
 
I realistically know that the surgery will not fix our relationship. It has to be worked on and both of us have to put forth the effort. I do know that I have never been so attracted to anyone as I was to him and I never felt as beauitful as he used to make me feel when I was thin. I know our attraction to each other is strong and I am hoping that, that will come back and we can start reconnecting. This is a scary process. The what if's... I actually cried today- which I haven't done in a very long time. I am unhappy and feel so alone. I miss him and what we used to have. I will write him a letter and we can talk. The next step will be counseling. I feel like this marriage is still so new, but yet so old. I want it to work and I never want to get a divorce- (which I hear the divorce rate after surgery is huge) but I cant continue to live like this. I can't even wait two more weeks to get my surgery date for things to change. It has to be now.
 
Well, it felt really good blogging..I love to write and I think this will be a new step in this journey for me. Hopefully somebody will take the time to read it and give me some feedback possibly. Sorry if my spelling or punctuation hasnt been spot on, i'm just trying to wrtie fast. I better start cleaning now. Tomorrow is a new day--I will work hard on my diet and be as positive as possible. BIG PICTURE