rabrijumo

My name is Rachael. I am a mother, a nurse, and a very fat person. I was given my first diet pill at age 10 by my mother... I couldn't take pills so I struggled to get the huge pill down. I don't know that I ever did or that it worked or if I even really needed it! I see pictures of my self and I am a bit chubby but not obese at all at that age. I remember being teased about being fat and large at an early age. I remember carving the word fat into my arm at around 12 years old. I remember hating my body and thinking my life would be perfect if I weren't fat. Years flow by I am in high school I am 5 7 my wt a HUGE 155. In retrospect that isn't that tall or fat but at the time I felt unattractive. I had a period at age 16 were I had a lot of dates no sex but boys asked me out and told me I was pretty....... I did have big boobs and a full soft figure. I think I undervalued myself in some respects but was a fun, gregarious person. I met the man I eventually married he seemed to think I was attractive. We moved in together 2 years later. I did my first "successful" diet at age 20 . It was a liquid protein diet run by a doctor. My dad paid for it and I achieved my ideal weight of 130 lbs. I bought a tiny bikini short skirts and tight jeans. I went to community college for 2 years then nursing school. By the time a graduated in 1983 I had regained the wt I lost plus 30 or 40 lbs. I married at age 22 wt 170 ish ....continued to gain year after year hitting 270 when I got pregnant for the first time. I lost wt during the pregnancy but regained during breast feeding. Rinse and repeat x 2 more kids over 7 years. At age 33 I was 300 plus lbs but active and healthy. Years flow by my life hits a snag or two my husband developed into an alcoholic and we have marriatal problems. We split for the first time when I was 38 wt 345 lbs 3 kids ages 12, 7, and 5.
Living as a single mom for a year was hard we got back together kind of to buy a nice house in VA and be a family. The difference was we kept separate rooms. I had become used to sleeping by myself reading if I wanted to and did not want to hear my husband snore or reek of alcohol.
Today I am thinking about why I decided to have the surgery. I have become increasingly UNABLE. I can not: walk up stairs, walk any distance comfortably, fly comfortably, ride a bike, get up from a sitting position with anything like ease, and take care of myself alone. I have a laundry list of things I want to be able to do a BUCKET list if you will.
Chase my grandson
walk up or down stairs without a rail
fly to Africa on a mission
ride a bike
take a hike
buy a small car and fit in it
ride a motorcycle
Meet someone and be attractive enough to attract them

I sometimes want to do a skit like Jeff Foxworthy (not that its very funny)
YOU MIGHT BE MORBIDLY OBESE IF
you can't wipe yourself without hurting your wrist
you can't climb a stair without a reinforced rail
get up out of a low couch without assistance
well you get the idea i have a million and they all make me want to cry
life as a fat person in America is not much fun .....the ridicule is one thing ......the discomfort of chairs that bind you is another...... and the comments people feel free to make is yet another.
Yes I am responsible for my situation I know that but it does not make me sub human or less valuable as a person. I know I have lost friends, one in particular that I relate to my weight and my inabilities. This makes me sad and mad.

I am a disappointment to my children though they love me they worry about me when they should not have to. They miss being able to do things with me or having to do things for me. They want a Mom they can count on and not have to worry about. I want them to have that as well. That's why I am doing this surgery to be ABLE.

It is now the night before my surgery I am ready to take this step and use this tool to the best of my ability. I was instructed to write a letter to myself tonight so I will do it on my blog.