Nykee

I really hope 100 is alot better than 66 pounds of loss, cuz I am not happy so far.. and I gained a pound I am not happy at all

definate chip problem/ snacking problem well it was a cheeto problem now its a chex mix problem (but it says 40% less fat on the bag) too bad I can eat half a bag a night and candy I tried a meal FINALLY it was meat loaf, mashed potaotes and corn (Protein, veggies carb, right) I ended up mixing it all up in every bite I took a bit of each on my spoon I am affraid I will NEver eat the meals right!:think

yes theres more.. lol NOW.......... credit for ALWAYS STOPPING eating at first band signals and avoiding PB, slime and all that. ALWAYS! High on control...(hate and ego..feeling real good though) (need new verbs) I refused to let my band control me... I would one up it by stopping eating before it made me.. NOW thats credit and control and power to the max. I simply just stop the second it feels weird.. I know I can eat more, lots more even...but I dont. I STOP before the band has to do anything. I mean, I wont chew slow and carefull and deal with some little feelings to get down more food... NO WAY, thats my band controlling me. NOT WORTH IT. I still like food and want to eat and have to stop before I wanna and wish I could feel saticefied and full more often, plus I really want more juice and to GULP it...(the one thing I cling to and want to still do) But I stop... I can stop at my first signs, no matter how little I get to eat and avoid all pb and such.... Um, thats like so cool and all I have to do is stop at that first sign and I am sure that will protect it from happening... ever.. and my goal is NEVER.. (well for now) I know I need the band, I know I need to know it will stop me if I tried to go too far.. restriction is my salvation... The band a necessary tool for sure. But right now, I am in control of my food. Ok.. kinda.. I still have problems, I need to control.. But this is the most I have ever had or ever thought Id come close to.. so I get all giddy and dramatic.. EXAMPLE: I cant imagine I would ever want to eat a Protein, veggie and carb meal as regular and eat healthy vs. junk. But I know I will.. I even see being a vegetarian and NO milk as possible in my life. P.S. I was ready for this, I knew I was. I argued I was to skeptics. I felt I was not mentally messed up just cuz I was 400 pounds still... I felt I was basically healthy a number of years ago.. BUT the beleife is we are fat for a reason and when you fix the mental. you will be able to fix the obesity.... This being able to happen to me like it did.. PROOVES i was right... This disease does deep....some arent even close and think they are, some are close and feel so far..... its hard... everyone is different.. But somehow I KNEW.... ITS NOT whats eating me, DR. PHIL! lol The reason I knew this was cuz I heard it all... did it all.. nothing was ever new to me... and I had thought of every angel to every option.. Nothing, not even Dr. Phil had anything to tell me I didnt already know or explore or try and such... I wasnt skepticle.. THERE was nothing new. IN YOUR FACE (assholes who analyze me as a way to critisize and condem and dissmiss my surgery options and my mental state!) (about weight) (I do have mental issues on other stuff.. lol) ha ha ha ha I have more to report in about a week, changes..challanges I dont wanna say right now, things are happening faster than I can type and post. THANK YOU FOR LISTNING!

Now.. I admit I am motivated my hate and ego the most... The hate kicked in (aBOVE and now the ego: (I have always been this way... I cant help it..sorry..I get high on being better ever since my accomplishments as a teen got me hooked on the rush of not feeling shitty but bright.....I do it in my own little ways I am not better than anyone.. I never do it to make anyone feel badly. If I didnt swell my ego, my self pity would destroy me. Call it survival of how the cybils of the wordls function.) So now I am not into food like before.... and um I am gonna like proove it and show off that amazing fact to the EXTREME as usual....I cant help it. This is what I did: First I choose to keep a shame to myself (my old eating habits list) and hold the funky feelings in my tummy and let them fester... cuz its a new feeling and stronger than ever and I am not too good to feel it. Plus I am interested. I may not feel this bad for a while or ever. Its kinda good to feel bad. To know its all mine. My secret. I feel deep disgust for living and raising my kids like that and cant shake the shitty feelings...But I cant express this either..... I am quiet for once in life. SO!!!!!!!!!! I drive around ignoring that fast food even exists. I dont see them. They are dead to me. I cant recall seeing them the first month at all.. they are all over. Did my kids even ask to go? What did I say? Just No.. ?? hummmmm Later I felt discust for the fast food places. They were trash, grubby, no good, dirty rotton scum who I would protect my kids from and myself... To stop for anything supported them. I DID get KFC mashed tatoes and two other things once, so dont hold me to my ramblings as 100% facts.. ya know. I may forget other disclaimers as this one, The thought of putting one of those little burgers in my mouth for the cost of one dollar..... was deplorable, I wouldnt stoop so low... I looked at them and saw ugly, dirty, cheap, .... pity, poor, low class people who need shaken and slapped and deprogramed. I didnt think of future trips to my old favorite resturants cuz they had taken so much of my money and their food wasnt worth it and I was robbed and I wasnt about to give r anymore of my money like some fool to con artists..... Their exteriours no longer enticed me, ugly and cheap, bad service... I for one wouldnt be caught dead inside. WAIT IN A LINE? Oh hell no You had to do way better than THAT to get me. If ever a food place caught my fancy, I bet it would feel divine now to deny such grand notions as if I am a flucking GOD! EATING Food could NEVER be better than Dissing food and being special and acheiving such a huge goal many do not, many do. Proof I am who I am once again, (I could be wrong.. a nice place who didnt piss me off might sound yummy one day)(this is another disclaimer) THEN Then things happened I didnt plan (not mad at) enforcing my new life... I posted here about my new grocery shopping experience's.. INSERT that story here. Short version: Soon I find myself not grocery shopping at big chains as usual. (winco, walmart) serious and FUN.I shop at little markets now (safeway) AND not caring to even go.. I send a kid with a list. What was fun and exciting and a big event to me... is now a chore.. thank god the highlight of my week isnt grocery shopping! how lame. sooooooooooo All those good feelings... some created, some surprising, all amazing...... unexplainable. You cant imagine till it happens.

fun4mat.. yes thats what I am sayin cali.. I was in portland,(kid) tillamook,(teen) then ashland (adult) and now albany (old lady)lol everyone.. THANKS for appreciating this I did finish thinking and now I will ppost what I wrote to myself on word... The rest of the story I exspected a 20 yr goal like kicking food addiction/obsession/inability to eat and exersize to the point of being not morbidly obese........ to be something I fininshed off like a thesis and came to a conclusion and saw the efforts pay off right then and there..... It wasnt like that, so thats how I missed it...and had to do all this dang thinking... But as I realize these things just happen eventually and sometimes you never know exactly what did it, BUT you did it and all those years have finally paid off. (THUS THE CREDIT) I can see how it happened. I can see it totally possible. I can see how it snuck up on me when I wasnt even thinking about it and NOW I will revel in its glory.. in the future my freedom from food story will not start with how it just happened like magic, went loonly, got thinkinhg and found my credit..and then tell how and why.. I will start at the how and why (well I will start with the band) The band did NOT do it... my tight fill gave me a chance to feel and see and look at food and the concept... with out the Fix running through me, clouding my mind, making me lie, burried in food aka slow death.....and in that chance I was able to do all the things I ALREADY had been thinking and doing deeper inside. All the time I thought things... the things that would lead a person away from foods grasp.. .. and finally I had convinved myself. WOW. Never thought it possible. These are the things I think and have for a long time all the time that show I lead my self to the freedom from food. Random typing (lazy too) can skim this..part in red we are a bunch of hogs, makes me sick, why do we let this happen, we are so much smarter, i mean nothing is healhy, whats healthy anyway, you gotta go through all this crap to find healthy these days... we are americans and we are all fat cows and dont care.. as 400,000 of us die a year... we dont care.. we think we aretn worth help cus it was food that made us fat.. food, food, food... its like evil. Why do I let it control me.. its JUST food.. I can do anything but I cant NOT eat a stupid food item? I would kill anything that could control me like that, I am above this shit, I am smarter than this, americans think they are so smart.. IDIOTS, ruining our bodies.. thats the ultimate sin and here we go and do it like its the good life. I want to be a vegitarian, I hope I am someday. Its just wrong to eat all this shit, eat animals?? I am above that arent I? Someday when I am normal sized and dieted. I never want to eat dairy products ... ever and soy is good and I am choosing taste of YUM over my decently and morals..??? I ignore my core for a taste of food.. FUCK THAT.. goooooood... 3 weeks no milk and I quit.....shameful trash. How can you even claim to are about the animals and the cause? I admit, I dont really care about the chickens.. I just dont?? BUT DRINKNING MILK IS the worst and I KNOW IT! I hate me... I am nothing but selfish and low life human trash.. That 'super size me movie' really hit home, I beleive in that stuff.. I am so glad he made the movie.. NO ONE SHOULD GO TO mcdonalds or BK... its sick what they call food.. the food can be worth a shit, but no one cares to make it even close.. I know its MY choice to eat it, but why even exist at such levels.. YOU know that can taster the same with like 10 grams less fat.... we shuffle through like cattle... pay our dollar, make em all rich, ... I never fall for those healthy items they pretend to carry to fool us and I wanna wring their neck... APPLE and carmel slices for kids NOT healthier. Salads a joke. Low carb stuff not even low card.. grrrrr.. money money is all they care aboiut.. at whos exspense.. we grew up like this is normal.. its gross.. brainwashing I love fruit.. how come I dont eat it? I love all kinds and dont have it... WHY? No way a corn dog is yummier that fresh pineapple or a cold orange. If I buy it it rots.. am I affraid of healthy foods or what? I want an orange!! now.. and watermellon too.. and somehow its not as good as I thnk it is, my taste buds are shot on all this processed food.. I mean I really think the bbq steak tv dinner is steak? I slurp that nasty gristle and cheap sauce up like Its alllll that. I like peas too.. no peas.?? One month I spent all my food money on foods I liked but never ate and STILL didnt eat them. pudding, aplesauce, mixed fruit, veggie melody, peas and carots.etc.... sat forever as I asked 'what is there?' But keepiing me from oranges is an outrage! Everyone I see.. kids, adults, skinny, chubby, normal.. all eat crap.. go to 7-11 and fast food and pizza and on and on..... I see like a health nut one out of a hundred and I dont even know whats in their cart.. how hard can it be to learn? Look it up.. simple! Go Organic? Do it for the kids for christ sakes.. OH MY.. the vending machinnes at school give out fruitsensations (?) and its not EVEN JUICE! oh why why do schools let kids eat all this crap? My school lunches as a kid included a roll and a dish of cream butter with every meal... who is gonna helpo the kids? The parents dont care, all these fats kids, why why why.. skinny moms, dont think they do a thing to help them..ruining thier kids lives..stupid bithces... I wanna slap them. Here I am most obese mom of all... my kids arent fat and THERES a reason for that! I MAKE SURE! I know its true even when many are skeptible.. I knew from my second childs birth what I was doing and I have done it everyday, their entire lives... couldnt done better, coulda easily not made it, cuz I went with the flow.. almost bare minimum I think, it was hard.. Still do it.. NO one can possibly fathom how many moments are about my doing some thing haivng to do with their weight. No one ever will.. Cuz its crazy, but I know.. I know had I not done and do not do these things... my kids woulda easily been fatties for sure..I am proud of that, but wish it was healthy too.... I am sick sick sick of not knowing what to do, being judged, fought at every corner over its issues... it all so unfair how it gets some and not others... I wanting help so bad for my kids sake and yet cant do it for my kids sake and and sick of feeling less human and sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanting a real life and health and mobility shouldnt be too much to ask if I have prooved myself.. ITS A DISEASE, no one can tell me its not. IT IS. I have it. I blame mom. I blame her mom too. I dont know her moms mom, all I know is I am not who I am.. I am not me. I am a lie. I am not a human being..as its meant.. and if this shit is OK, human beings destroying bodies than I dont care for humans... Human to me is HUMAN.. MOST powerfull, The highest power..... and this is our chosen life? HELL with it all.. Moving on SoooooooooooooooooooooI been itching to kick foods ass and leaves its no good home and move on to freedom knowing it cant touch me no more. Ready to stop bitching and being a hypricrite and doing something about this obese existance thats destroying my body, like I have some sence and smarts. Proove to the world that I am not lazy, unmotivated and menatlly ill but trapped in disease and can find a way out..no cure. And pissed at america for being hogs and refuse to join in the minless destruction like the rest. I am not a sheep. Move to canada. I wanna make pain, hold those accountable, cuss em out and destroy their worlds... but dont know how or who to blame. I wanna get my morals back and keep them near and treat them as all I have in life that makes me who I am thats good. I want to diss it, diss it, diss it, I cant even think of how to do so. AND having a tight fill where I couldnt eat but liquids for a month....and thus soon out of any food coma.. It was the last thing I needed before it all dawned on me and became (kinda ) clear. I wasnt goona let food fluck with me ever again.

What do you mean by not eat for three weeks? Like what did you intake those weeks? I am curious..

you guys ROCK!! I am so jealous! I wanna have such dreams!!!!! Do u think the overweight dream more amazingly like this, cuz all the normals I speak to usually do not say the things you guys have said~! My last dream I was going to "couseling" and my therapist was KINDA like Kevin spacey (actor) The sessions took place in a Camper parked in Safeway (grocery store) parkingLot (the safeway in Tillamook Oregon, where I grew up) While in his office I could look out at the people going in and out of the store. One day I told him I saw his camper all decorated in blood red velvet.. But I knew it wasnt real, cuz the rest of the camper was normal (old, plain) and I knew that fancy and old and plain wasnt a style that existed.. So I was having illusions .. He asked me if I was ready to talk about what was in my hand. In my hand was two necklaces. I clutched them and at the same time I looked out the window and saw A lady. The lady was walking to her car with a grocery guy carrying her stuff.. She has a bee hive hair do... and two curly locks hanging down each side. She is wearing a clingly light blue dress.. She suddenly crouches down and is walking on her feet still, but her butt is as low as the ground too... her dress rides up and she has fancy black undies showing.. and she is grumbling evil like words only goblens or devils would understand. I tell Kevin what I see (knowing its not real) and he says "OK, your not ready to talk about it" I kinda want to.. but He is all freaked out by what I saw so I just shrug and leave. Transition (kinda) NOT VERY INTERESTING I am going into the safeway to buy two cool whip tubs. I call my little cousin to come on and she rides her bike in the street and I scold her. She then colors and makes me wait. As I wait A grocery man or some bum (cant recal) tells me I let my food go t9o waste and I see a box of rotton veggies where I had ate most the grapes and I tell him "so what, I ate most the grapes" then me and my little cousin go in the store and I see these bins, like a dozen of them.. they feature fake peircings (like the body kind.. ;like the neck.) I take one out of a shark.. the tail on one side and the middle is where you squish the skin on and the head of the shark on the other.. These fake peircings dont exist.. and in my dream they didnt work too well.. I kinda invented something in my dream..

My fill stayed tight tight for two whole months but the norm is like a week or so.. I am the wrong person to ask honestly.. I LOVE being tight and eating nothing (lol) (I try to think so anyway)

wow thanks i didnt know thtere were more piucs on this site i love pics

That kind of thing happened to me and I was real lucky to have got themt o listen in the ER it was hard though! I went in saying "I AM INFLAMED" " I NEED AN IV of ANTIINFLAMITORIES" It was obvious I was choking on my own saliva as they could tell with my little cup and spitting into it and then gag and choke.. so I got the IV.. after much to do.. and demanding by me... after 40 hours: later they had to do an unfill on me and no one even knew what that was... and I got it ... from ER with a spinal tap needle.. BUT hey, it was all I knew to do as no lapband docs are nearby I was firm and tuff and stood upo for myself and I KNOW I WAS LUCKY CUZ THAT DOESNT work..THEY never listen

yes, they can take the fill in and out at anytime during your fill appoiuntment mine was always sucked out to be sure it was the amount it was surpose to be and then filled back in with alittle more... soemthing like that mine was always on the nose

wow ..lookie all the lesbians.. lol IBI

LOl I am so glad this is happening for us :mad:

I hope to have 100 lost soon I gotta go weigh my self... soon!

I have diabeties (and know nothing about it) but I used to think juice (pure sugar) was the only thing that sustained my life and now I know thats not true.. I havent had heartburn or acid reflux ONCE since the bans and I used to have it every day the band is something I personally could easily fail at...I felt that way and I still so.. in my case it takes hard work and not even doing it right.. but I am ususally pitiful. its better than doing nothing I dont have a problem wiht hunger but some do

2$.... oh even I would of done that (for the kids) One bite of donut isnt something I would even try at this point .. lol I am reposting my post.. above.. I edited it and I just think its that important.. lol

first i feel a 'sensation' that never existed before. (usually stop here) Then I feel the actual drink or mushie or well chwed food going through in a slow kinda odd way that is hesitant and just not normal.. Then I may get a little tightness in my chest, thats related to that food going through slow like that I may saliviate too much. This is as far as i ever go now Getting used to my first real fiill: That tightness turns into a uncomfortable pain in the chest.. nothing that stops you due to the pain though. This can keep hurting even if you stop eating at that moment. It passes This sensation can bother you for qa moment and then you spit up a tiny amount...and its over as fast. Small, smooth spit up, next is a slime.. This is an instant feeling that you went a bit too far....even on a little bit .... I hate the pressure and feeling have to force my self to slime it out..... sometimes one slime is enough, sometimes it takes three to four slimes to get out half a cup of saliva and specs of food or drink. Its not so smooth or easy, eyes Water and its alittle violating... This is as far as i went when i was filled 3 months ago. It took three weeks to learn what I could or could not tolerate at certain times of the day.... Slime free and happy. BUT I had complications is the past and this is how that felt. The food or pills is stuck in your throat...iNothing can make it go away. You can force your self to slime, slime on your own, and its still there... It kinda hurts in chest and its a pressure you cant ignore and one inch of bread can take 20 slimes to stop.. A bit of bread with a half cup of slime each time, the slime just slimes out of your mouth, you dont even feel it come out and its so slimey and well hold a towel up to your mouth..till it passes. Your affraid to ever eat again..lol The above MAY be called a golf ball? Likely called a PB. A PB (to me) doesnt involve slime... (but it can) You constantly spit out your saliva cuz you cant swallow it, cuz your like closed. If you do swallow some, you get that pressure and want release and make it come up to feel better, saliva comes up in small amounts. Swallowing hurts, chest pain, its like nothing is stuck and sliming out.. but your definately stuck deep inside and you wait and wait .. till whatever it is comes up or goes down.. time is all you can do really. I only did this on pills for 9 hours once and then 40 hours then emergency unfill! I am scared to death of this PB

I just want to stay as I am.. 7 months out.. good fill, loosing fast... i love it Who knows what the next stage will be like.... all one can do is wait and see... My plan is to get a fill in January and it provide good restriction and all goes well... I wanna lose the 100 pounds in 1 yr. but the loss may stop in november or december? I wish it was more in our control

JQ ((((HUGS)))) WATER is the MANNA for the fat. Nothing feels better (to me) I spend all summer at the lake..try Oh an, I float on tubes, I catch salimanders, I find mud pits and play dirty monkey, I lounge in a boat and nap for hours, I swim down alcoves no one goes, I always go to the swim boobie and ride it, I swim in the pouring rain, I swim in the dark, I swim with fish biting me, I even can swim and fish at the same time! (dont swim as much as float and slowly put around) I swim with my wonderful kids, others kids, and cute boys..... where do u live? You must know this bliss! Shirt required. People DO NOT GAWK like you might think...or make fun or point... I must assume its cuz even jerks can respect the 400 pound lady enjoying herself like that (acting like anyone else) (of course its NOT anything like everyone else cuz it takes about fifty times the work and lots of scamming to not look so bad in those moments only the fat deal with. This is true all the time.. Fat ladies will be made fun of right in front of me as if I am not one... only cuz they "dont work the crowd" ... I am conscious of every minute and cant really explane how to avoid over 50% of the fat socail quo...... ALL I know is I found a way rather than give up the only things I have good In my6 life! THIS IS NOT a lecture.. I want to empower you.. and your no swim in 10 years is gonna be on my mind all night. lol PLEASE know I am just as inconfident and affraid and low self esteem as most.. (pretty bad) AND I am NO dork or weirdo (the mud munkies) I just learned a skill long ago called "fake it till you make it" I am faking it still.. but I am a pro. AND it leads to great fun and nothing neggative... so is my life. My life sucks alot.. dont get me wrong, and I suffer great pains no man would tolerate for my little pleasures.. but that makes it all the more worth it. P<S I NEVER SHOW my grossness.. ... thats just rude.. (not confident) lol I wear capri black streach pants, a tank top, ALWAYS WITH A NET COVER UP. I have BLACK< RED AND WHITE. (full summer wardrobe!) I am more ugly than anything.. and I have stupid hair too.. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS A POOL!!!!!! loves

Sorry for typo's//////!!!!!!!!!!!! My screen is too far from the couch! good ones!! i wont eat in front of regular folk either...cone for their sake we just arent allowed, i guess baddie: at a car drive up at a&W, i got a corn dog and small cone (usual..ate small meals) young cute college men were next to us So, i so very carefully took a small bite off the top of cone.. (thought he wasnt looking) he choked on his hog full mouth immediately and made fun of me with his buddies about how i 'devoured' a bite.. then he mimiced me on his cone and dove his mouth on it to show... I so did not do that IF he was just making fun, no biggie but he genuinely saw me do it that way, (i could tell) THAT stings. People do see us eat ... wrongly I for one NEVER hog my food... (just not me) and I am kinda proud (gotta have something at this size) And that burned me up too. I have always hated being accused of doing the two pop thing to make the food look like two peoplw....and other things...closet eat, ..binge but I know its typical, I understand its just my pet peeve ACTUALLY I WANT TO LET THAT GO RIGHT NOW I have nothing to proove.. I DO not need ro show how my meal is a corn dog and a small cone and it fills me good.....NO I wont get more in 20 minutes!!!!! I do not need to defend fatties who really only have two slices of pizza but gets asked if she is on a diet!!! I found out my eating habits were horrific. Overall non defensive... And I wont defend the little parts I spent so often defending cuz its why I was able to be blind to the truth of my total habits (shiver) My food addiction is gone... TIME to put old habits to rest!! I am gonna try to never mention my tiny portain eating ever again.. unless its band related scientifiacally (I may have to tak about something involving food and my kids and defending ONE llast time before I let it rest.. ) (maybe not any more)

teresa.. its both i know.. heres a story..recent, true and still unbeleivable even when it happened to me note: I lost my food addiction after 20 yrs of the worst obsession.... its gone now (3 months) Once a month, I always shopped for the kids at a big store like walmart or winco. It was a big deal... I didnt really notice how much of a BIG deal till now.. On my mind was kids kids kids kids.... its my duty, I must provide well..get all they need and want Its all about the kids and what they want and need and will make them happy and show my ove and care for them. Usually its a 3 hour ordeal, to get as much food for the kids for as little money and sure to get all I need, and look for new things and pick, decide, read lables, change mind, cant decide, get all kids goodies, check the list.... run back and forth....very serious, involved, my store! I read receipt in car like a book and keep it like a prize in my purse. Then all food had to be set at my feet once home so I could go through it and recall what we had and then I handed things to them to put away. I was playing. I was molesting the food. SICK. First time out (in this NEW not addicted to food condition)....to grocery shop for 4 kids..like every month.... Went to my beloved WALMART supercenter I cruised in scooter.....feeling weird, different, not focused.. Now: Here I am feeling weird....then I feel silly and giggling and funny..(not me at all) All i care about is getting my Soup and juice and getting 'whatever' for the kids and out.. This massive thing has now become "whatever" I think "so what if the kids run out of this or that or something is missing or the cheese is gone before the tortillas or the food is gone too soon...they'll cope. (before I saw it as a sin) I didnt find all the kids special things. sweet and sour, jerkey and circus animals.. THIS was how I showed my LOVE??!!! Horrifying.....Just last month this was so important to me! I struggled witht this cuz it seems selfish and not the ways of a loving/ providing parent.. I know MY kids who love food and eat it all, all day long, what and when they want, and cant imagine them going without such a luxery. So how Can I feel so lax?? Simply... I no longer obsess over food... including theirs! WOW A:SP budgeting was my life with food and others... NOW. I didnt care if i wasted money on food.. the "deals" were suddenly no biggie either My weird and silly feelings came from the place a crazy food engorged mountain of a side show freak circus..(walmart) It seemed silly Deals and bins and this and that and food all over and its all so big and bright and stacked and packed and all around you.. scary and silly and Sooooooo NOT where I felt like I belonged. Not anymore.... I guess, I cant help how it now felt.. Its just not me... The next month: What was fun and exciting and a big event to me... is now a chore.. thank god the highlight of my week isnt grocery shopping! I send my kids with a list.. To a small grocery chain (like safeway) The add comes every week in the mail and I choose from whats on sale cuz we DO need to budget of course.... But crusing the food just not something I want to do. My cuppords dont runith over, my fride is never full and we all eat fine.. MY KIDS have not complained, its as if they dont evren notice witch leads me to beleive all the foods I thought they depended on were all in MY head, I share cuz its interesting to me...... this is what happens when food addiction dissappears neat huh loves

My licence still says 300 (been to 415) wore girdles and push up bras and snuck them off during a date hide food debris when people knock

yes they are bad,, i know it ib am trying to be better Oct.25 12 almonds 4 ouces lemonaide 1 cup chicken fajita corn chowder 12 ounces 1% milk 6oz. chocolate milk 4 bites ham and cheese sandwitch pumpkin ice cream... 1 1/2C plus about 6 oz. milk 15 almonds 10 ounces Tiki Punch

Oct. 11 6:30am .....!/2 Cup tomaote soup made with milk, 6oz 1%. Milk (I didint sleep so I wasnt tight) 8:15....2 Cup Tom soup, 6 OZ. Milk 1% 10:30...16oz, pineapple foam drink (here I take a nap..and awake tight) 3:15....5 bites tomatoe soup 5pm....1 can tomatoe soup, 12 oz milk, 10-15 cheeto's 8:13....I can chunky split pea and ham soup. 25 reduced fat cheese nips, 36 oz. milk Oct. 12 2 oz. OJ lite 1C tomatoe soup, 1 oz cheese, 1tsp parm, 12 oz. milk 2 reduced fat cheese its 1/2 KFC mashed potatoes and gravy, 12 oz. milk 6 oz. lite grape juice (I may of missed a few things this day) oct. 13 (tight cuz of menstral) 2 black jelly candies whole can tomatoe soup 20 cheese its 10 oz. lite grape juice 15 cheetos oct. 14 (tight cuz of menstral) 12 oz milk 1 cup tomatoe soup 4 ginger snaps 10 cheese its (gummed up in my throat) oct 15-Oct.17 milk, lite grape juice, tomatoe soup three fish sticks, 4tbs tarter sauce 2 slices small frozen combo pizza (tighter than usual) bite of sandwitch bite of buretto (spit out tortilla) about 50 almonds 6 cups thick egg nog 4 ounces cheese 2 cups lite lime sherbert (I didnt keep track these days.. I am just listing some things I recall..new things) oct. 18 12 oz. grape juice 4 ounces egg nog 2 ounces orage juice 5 rolls smarties candies 22 ounce rice milk

So.. this is hard.. I am not talking to anyone else about this yet.. I will just make a list of the tings that took place all the time in my home that had to do with food and me and my kids....... NOW it seems so horrible and not something I was capible of....I cannot imagine what an outsider would think. (me and my kids are close.. they love me to death...we are a very special family who have always prided ourselves on and committed our lives to being good, always alittle bit better morally and decent and smart and responsible etc,,, than most around us. We are far from being that great.. its not that hard to be better than people.. they really do have so many defects,....) Also... i am known as a fairly strong and capible person who knows how to get things done...(minus physically) and handles things..I 'handle' things for many households.. .. I have been constantly praised for this by so many people that It must be true. I guess i am saying all this because what I am ready to describe is soooo bad. It really really shows the food obsession and its power... cuz I am not anything like this is any other part of my life.... I am stalling.. god, the more I think about it, the more I cant believe that was our life just a few months ago. Ok get me a cup of milk please, theres no milk? of course not. no ones thnks of anything but me, go get milk, I dont care if its raining, this milk is warm, get me ice, thers no ice, how many times do i have to beg for you to keep the ice tray full, i cant drink it warm, put the cup in the freezer, go get my cup from the freezer, bring me the chocolate, i want to do it myself, bring me a sppon, i like to mix it my self, here wait..put it away. gimmie the gallion, just the gallon, can you please hurry, this cup is dirty, maybe you dont care to eat dirt but it makes me sick, you bought the wrong kind, I told you the old fashioned kind, i never get what i want, if you listened you would of got it righ, but you dont liten cuz you dont care, i cant even enjoy this small thing after all i give to you, (I cried when I was brought the wrong food, I threw it acros the room sometimes, I went to my room to go to bed, I saw it as a personal attack and accised them of being heartless) go back, your the one who got it wrong, well that was a waste of money, return it for the right thing, i semd you to get me a juice and because the one I asked for wasnt there, you think I would rather have NOIhing at all?? you think I want you showing up with nothing, I feel like I am goona faint and you have nothing. everytime I go there they have it, I cant beleive they dont have it, I bet you just didnt look hard enough, did you ask, I have told you a million times I hate that flavor, run in and tell me every flavor they have, heres a list, this is second choice and third, they stopped selling those.. get me a fork, i need salt, you forgot ketsup, I need mayo, mustard and ketsup, bring me the bottles, I want to put as much as I want, I want a spoon i will not eat this with a fork, its cold in the middle try again, its not crispy enough put it back in the oven, you know i hate these overcoooked, Please dont pour my milk on my cerial until the last second you bring it to me, heat this up, dont let me forget thats in the fridge, I dont want it to go to waste, you overcooked the noodles and its nasty, i know its in there, look again, its a smmall jar, the fridge is only so big I mean how hard can it be, i swear to god if its found later you are in trouble, its impossible that the sour cream is gone, are you kidding, no way, pigs, you eat everything before I have the chance at it, you know I dont eat that, I want the middle, I cant even describe it all.. I just know that now.... They get me my food ... but I am not worried about every detail... Like if I want parm in my soup.. I just say sprinkle some in. I used to make them bring me the bag and a spoon and have to put in the amount I wanted. If they boil the soup over and cause a film... I dont even flinch.. I used to freak out and make them fix it and ... Also if I asked for classic and I get creamy, I just eat it, no biggie.. Before I woudl go crazy over not getting what I asked for. If they get me some sherbert, i will take it as is... I used to be so picky.. oh thats too much, thats too little.. LIKE A DAB more or less mattered. If something is spilled or left out for a cat to get to.. I just say "its ok.. just pick it up" I used to act like it was the worst thing they could of done.. I would be like "great, great job, I cant beleive yiou, GOD, so stupid, wasted, all for nothing" To the smallet things. I am disturbed by this...i could go on forever.. I will HAVE to forgive myself... obviously I was out of my mind.