Nykee

Well I went way over.. What NOT a shock. Tomarro I will try again. Today I freaked out on not having any juice that was cold and no ice... that I kept drinking things to try to get my "thirst" quenched. I need to be sure to have the ice and the grape aid made and available tomarrow. Then my daughter decides to make a fancy terriakki chicken rice dinner, and THAT was great... Thats what I should be eating more often, It went down perfect. I was surprised. Then I was up late and my son made a frozen pizza and Suddenly I want some so bad that I am willing to take big bites, chew and taste the flavors and spit it out into dixie cups (affraid to Pb) I felt it alittle . I DO NOT do this... I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that my brain knew I was on a diet and the day was almost over and it was the last chance to FAIL.. It wasnt the pizza that killed me today, it was all the drinking. I have definately learned NOT to deprive my self of cold juice or I WILL GO CRAZY and end up drinking more in the end.. (like Sunny D,?? I HATE THE crap) Feb. 13th AM 5 rolls smarties (my throat hurt) 2/3 cup chex mix 1 cup apple juice Afternoon 1 cup tomatoe Soup 2 tbs parm 1 cup milk 15 lite dorettos 1 cup milk evening 1 cup apple juice 1.5 cup tomatoe soup 2tb parm 1 cup milk 10pm Bowl of rice, broccolli and terriakki chicken 1 cup of sunny delight 2am 1/5 of a pizza. Most all of it chewed up and spit out 2 cups milk 1 cup sunny delight Calories 2235 fat 47 carb 335 Protein 99 The only candy I had today were the smarties. No Cookies either. My fat was nice and low

devilmaycare) But...um...okay, I don't know if I'm stupid, naive, or just unimaginative but after putting it in place, what do you actually DO with a bannana? (Or what does "He" do?) I'm having problems picturing the practicalities of this invention. girl) It wasnt for anything inparticular, cept to be there and be a surprise and to add something fun and bold to the fun we were having. FUN The banana was cuz he had told me how he watched this porno at a friends the other day and "this girl had two bananas in her and it was insane".. It wasnt meant to be practical. Or to DO anything with it.. You would have to be guy to appreciate it..you know how they are. I did it for him. And for fun.

geeze.. vibrator OK, bananas not. OK.. I am deleteing it.

banana sex story was here

flight and care dany glover preop.. less other ladies motel and dinner sugery day ortiz feeling specail complications home food fills

flight and care dany glover preop.. less other ladies motel and dinner sugery day ortiz feeling specail complications home food fills

Why not? whats

My littlest sister who I have never been very close to and lives in colorado with none of her family and must like it that way, takes a surprising interest in my WLS. She wants to be involved and I let her. She wants to pay for self and be there for me. She is so releived and so happy for me. I realize that she is alot like my dad, she can love you unconditionally, not needing some kids of relationship to care about her sister who fighting for her life in such poor health, getting treatment that is considered Do or DIe. She cant think of anything more important in her life than THIS. Me and my loved ones who live near me dont think like this. Its not like I got cancer and going in for the cure but it could kill me.. I made myself so obese that I broke my body and had to get WLS. Yeah, its a new hope.. Another chance at a life. She is so happy I have this opportunity, I feel like I dont deserve it.. SO its hard to feel good about.. Sometimes I think maybe I should of just died... My sister thinks thats the stupidest thing she ever heard. She doesnt know.. She hasnt had to live with me in her life. She cant undertand how my kids or our other sister or I...could be so lax about it.. We are tired, we are affraid, we only know failure and trust nothing. No one wants to feel any kind of real hope cuz one more lost hope and we know its all over for me. No, NO one would say they dont care if I died.. But they all understand why I feel that way. Everyone will be alot better off without me being a burdon for the next 40 years. No one will ever leave me, they have too much loyalty.. ................ Well, I want my middle sister, or my cousin or my older daughter to go with me. They are the ones who I am most close to. Who know how to take care of me, who I feel safe with and get along with and comfortable and understand eachother.. My middle sister act like she dont care, my cousin has no money and my daughter shouldnt have to do this for me. I am affraid of Mary seeing how pathetic I am, I am affraid she wont helo me right, I am worried I will embarrass her.. What if she totally regrets it? I am right and she doesnt know how much help I need. I know its almost impossible to know unless you are familiar with the person. Once I asked her to help me up off the curb, the next time I did it myself and she said "see, you can do it" Like its that simple. See, she doesn know me, she thinks I would ask for help off a curb just for fun.. LOLOLOLOO never. She said "oh it cant be that bad" when it felt like hippos were dancing on my chest.. She didnt come to the hospital much but I didnt need her to.. But I know the others wouldnt have left if I begged them to. I am glad she came. She is who I would choose over anyone now. My middle sister would of been irritable and grumpy and I would of felt guilty for it. My cousin would of been a total dumb ass and it would of drove me bonkers trying to take care of her. My daughter would of been scared and lost about what was what. THANK YOU to my littlest sister.. For being like dad and not like us.

My littlest sister who I have never been very close to and lives in colorado with none of her family and must like it that way, takes a surprising interest in my WLS. She wants to be involved and I let her. She wants to pay for self and be there for me. She is so releived and so happy for me. I realize that she is alot like my dad, she can love you unconditionally, not needing some kids of relationship to care about her sister who fighting for her life in such poor health, getting treatment that is considered Do or DIe. She cant think of anything more important in her life than THIS. Me and my loved ones who live near me dont think like this. Its not like I got cancer and going in for the cure but it could kill me.. I made myself so obese that I broke my body and had to get WLS. Yeah, its a new hope.. Another chance at a life. She is so happy I have this opportunity, I feel like I dont deserve it.. SO its hard to feel good about.. Sometimes I think maybe I should of just died... My sister thinks thats the stupidest thing she ever heard. She doesnt know.. She hasnt had to live with me in her life. She cant undertand how my kids or our other sister or I...could be so lax about it.. We are tired, we are affraid, we only know failure and trust nothing. No one wants to feel any kind of real hope cuz one more lost hope and we know its all over for me. No, NO one would say they dont care if I died.. But they all understand why I feel that way. Everyone will be alot better off without me being a burdon for the next 40 years. No one will ever leave me, they have too much loyalty.. ................ Well, I want my middle sister, or my cousin or my older daughter to go with me. They are the ones who I am most close to. Who know how to take care of me, who I feel safe with and get along with and comfortable and understand eachother.. My middle sister act like she dont care, my cousin has no money and my daughter shouldnt have to do this for me. I am affraid of Mary seeing how pathetic I am, I am affraid she wont helo me right, I am worried I will embarrass her.. What if she totally regrets it? I am right and she doesnt know how much help I need. I know its almost impossible to know unless you are familiar with the person. Once I asked her to help me up off the curb, the next time I did it myself and she said "see, you can do it" Like its that simple. See, she doesn know me, she thinks I would ask for help off a curb just for fun.. LOLOLOLOO never. She said "oh it cant be that bad" when it felt like hippos were dancing on my chest.. She didnt come to the hospital much but I didnt need her to.. But I know the others wouldnt have left if I begged them to. I am glad she came. She is who I would choose over anyone now. My middle sister would of been irritable and grumpy and I would of felt guilty for it. My cousin would of been a total dumb ass and it would of drove me bonkers trying to take care of her. My daughter would of been scared and lost about what was what. THANK YOU to my littlest sister.. For being like dad and not like us.

I am all ready to get a gastric bypass with Emma patterson when I find out that I am Not going to get medicare like everyone said i was. I have to have medicade and WLS is excluded. Well my only choice now is to self pay in mexico. I call a place and end up having so many problems on the phone that one day I get on line and just look up someone else. I dial It was the Obesity Control center. A lady tells me all about the band. I had considered the band but decided Gb was a better idea. But now I was sold on the band. She gives me a date for less than 2 months away. This is it.. I have a date. All my dreams are realized. FINALLY.. I become sullen. I dont want to be here. I kinda check out. I dont research or find support or anything. I feel guilty and wrong and pissed that I have to do this. Hard to feel good about something that reminds you of your most extreem failures. I loose the manditory 40 pounds pre op ... I am desperate because I just KNOW that if I dont get the band, i will not choose to be a burdon to this world anymore. I am ready to die.. Its DO or DIE It was Feb 14th when I get on a plane for the first time. I have a cashiers check for 9500$ (the cost of a trailer home for my family)

I am all ready to get a gastric bypass with Emma patterson when I find out that I am Not going to get medicare like everyone said i was. I have to have medicade and WLS is excluded. Well my only choice now is to self pay in mexico. I call a place and end up having so many problems on the phone that one day I get on line and just look up someone else. I dial It was the Obesity Control center. A lady tells me all about the band. I had considered the band but decided Gb was a better idea. But now I was sold on the band. She gives me a date for less than 2 months away. This is it.. I have a date. All my dreams are realized. FINALLY.. I become sullen. I dont want to be here. I kinda check out. I dont research or find support or anything. I feel guilty and wrong and pissed that I have to do this. Hard to feel good about something that reminds you of your most extreem failures. I loose the manditory 40 pounds pre op ... I am desperate because I just KNOW that if I dont get the band, i will not choose to be a burdon to this world anymore. I am ready to die.. Its DO or DIE It was Feb 14th when I get on a plane for the first time. I have a cashiers check for 9500$ (the cost of a trailer home for my family)

I get a new doctor and he does not treats me fair. He agrees to give me ultram for back pain, I dont have to lose weight. And pretty much I dont. He checks me for diabeties and I have it. HUMMM I wonder why that witch never checked it.??? With this doctor, I have a new phobia called NEVEr tell the doctor your in pain. Hide it at all costs. There would be days at the doctors where I would get this pain in my back and sit and hold it forever and if the nurse asked if I was ok I would say "oh my back is hurting alittle" no big deal" and when alone I would go crazy and then i would walk as normally to my car as possible and then collapse and cry my head off and go home and be bedridden for two days.. I said enough to keep the untram, but no more. I was scared to death of being dismissed and ridiculed and NOT cared for again. This was very stupid. I fell alot and I got hurt alot and I hid it all. I become more and more crippled and gained weight. I end up unable to work and sent to the jobs program in the welfare system. I am scared. I am trying to hide the fact that I am in excrusiating pain. It was like the most important thing to be.. to hide my pain and problems. I couldnt stand anyone seeing me as a loser, a fat cripple, a broken women. I rather suffer than show it. (now I show it, I dont care) Well they noticed. They sent me to the voc doctor again and she told them I was disabled and not to make me do anything. They made me apply for SSI This day was the worst day of my life. I didnt want to apply for disabilty. I didny know what it was and I didnt want to. All I knew is that I SURE AND THE HELL WASNT to be one to get disabilty. I was completely bent, couldnt think of a single job i could do. At this point even sitting in chairs wasnt possible for very long. I was disabled. I was. But to apply for disability is admitting your the ultimate failer... My fat brought me to this point and it was too hard to admit that. This was the most depressed I have ever been. No one made me do anything..I was 'awainting disabilty" I became 400 pounds in this meaningless existance THEN.. ANOTHER Lesson.. The DISABILY thing became My chance at life and weight loss again.. I had to get the dissability, to get the back pay, to pay for the gastric bypass.. TO GET OFF OF disabilty. It was a plan.. BUT it took a long long time. About 5 years. In the meantime my doctor left and I got assigned Dr. MOORE and he was so cruel to me that his nurse turned him in, people called me, I testified on the phone and then i was notified that he had been reprimanded. Becasue of this I got a special doctor at a fancy clinic. He checked my back right away and I was herniated and had sciatica and he said it was like that a long time. YEAH, ever since I QUIT school and began to complain to my doctors. WHY DID NO ONE EVER CHECK MY BACK?? Sheesh So yeah.. 5 years, cuz I had shabby doctors.. I rememebr times when I wished the SSi would NOT go through, so I would get MORE money when it went through the next time... I needed at leaste 15,000 Well i found out that medicare would cover my gastric bypass and all I had to do was wait. Find doctors and go to all the pre stuff.. so I did

I get a new doctor and he does not treats me fair. He agrees to give me ultram for back pain, I dont have to lose weight. And pretty much I dont. He checks me for diabeties and I have it. HUMMM I wonder why that witch never checked it.??? With this doctor, I have a new phobia called NEVEr tell the doctor your in pain. Hide it at all costs. There would be days at the doctors where I would get this pain in my back and sit and hold it forever and if the nurse asked if I was ok I would say "oh my back is hurting alittle" no big deal" and when alone I would go crazy and then i would walk as normally to my car as possible and then collapse and cry my head off and go home and be bedridden for two days.. I said enough to keep the untram, but no more. I was scared to death of being dismissed and ridiculed and NOT cared for again. This was very stupid. I fell alot and I got hurt alot and I hid it all. I become more and more crippled and gained weight. I end up unable to work and sent to the jobs program in the welfare system. I am scared. I am trying to hide the fact that I am in excrusiating pain. It was like the most important thing to be.. to hide my pain and problems. I couldnt stand anyone seeing me as a loser, a fat cripple, a broken women. I rather suffer than show it. (now I show it, I dont care) Well they noticed. They sent me to the voc doctor again and she told them I was disabled and not to make me do anything. They made me apply for SSI This day was the worst day of my life. I didnt want to apply for disabilty. I didny know what it was and I didnt want to. All I knew is that I SURE AND THE HELL WASNT to be one to get disabilty. I was completely bent, couldnt think of a single job i could do. At this point even sitting in chairs wasnt possible for very long. I was disabled. I was. But to apply for disability is admitting your the ultimate failer... My fat brought me to this point and it was too hard to admit that. This was the most depressed I have ever been. No one made me do anything..I was 'awainting disabilty" I became 400 pounds in this meaningless existance THEN.. ANOTHER Lesson.. The DISABILY thing became My chance at life and weight loss again.. I had to get the dissability, to get the back pay, to pay for the gastric bypass.. TO GET OFF OF disabilty. It was a plan.. BUT it took a long long time. About 5 years. In the meantime my doctor left and I got assigned Dr. MOORE and he was so cruel to me that his nurse turned him in, people called me, I testified on the phone and then i was notified that he had been reprimanded. Becasue of this I got a special doctor at a fancy clinic. He checked my back right away and I was herniated and had sciatica and he said it was like that a long time. YEAH, ever since I QUIT school and began to complain to my doctors. WHY DID NO ONE EVER CHECK MY BACK?? Sheesh So yeah.. 5 years, cuz I had shabby doctors.. I rememebr times when I wished the SSi would NOT go through, so I would get MORE money when it went through the next time... I needed at leaste 15,000 Well i found out that medicare would cover my gastric bypass and all I had to do was wait. Find doctors and go to all the pre stuff.. so I did

Soo.. One day I am sent to a vocational doctor.. and I take the chance to run by her my proposal for ultram and how It will help me get my life back and lose weight and such, She thinks its a GREAT idea. But she cant prescibe them due to the ins rules. She has examined me thoughoughly.. she has talked to me and touched and checked me more at that time than my regular doctor ever did. I tell her what my doctor has done. I cry knowing she will never give them to me. She said, You let me take care of that, She gave me a referrall and said to take it to my doctors. It said that I was severely limited in mobility and that she reccomends me to have 6 ultram a day" I did.. She laughed at it, like it was fake or something. GRRRRR I got her to contact the voc doctor and she came back with a two page fax and a scowl on her face. She was pissed.. She was out for my blood and this is what she said. "OK.. YOu are getting what you want. I hope your happy now that you got your way" "6 ultram a day? I DONT THINK SO... you can have 4 a day" "you will have to come in every two weeks to pick up your prescription from this office, it cannot be called into the pharmacy" (not true, that was her rule) "I want to see you every two weeks as well.. I want to see the look on your face" Suddenly.. I had to come in every two weeks and weigh myself. I HAD TO LOOSE 10 pounds a month OR ELSE I would NOT get anymore pills. I had to bring in a journal of the food I ate for the week" "YOU think this pill will save your life and make you super women.. then proove it.. IFyour twice as active as you claim to be than the weight should fall off. " "I need proof that this pill is working for you. I refuse to prescribe it for pain. I am prescribing it for you to lose weight. IF it fails to end in weight loss than I will not prescribe these to you ever again" "ITs all up to you now. You wanted them, you have convinced yourself and lets see you try to convince me" "If you keep up the loss of 10 pounds a month, I will continue to give them to you.. IF NOT.. THEY ARE GONE!" "I dont want you to blame me either... dont come crying to me, this is your chance.. May i suggest you try the prism diet, I lost 15 pounds and it was really hard but if I can do it, you can do it" CRAZY BITCH comparing a 130 pound women to a 350 pound one. Needless to say... I was obsessed with loosing the weight.. I didnt care as much about loosing weight as I cared about being mobile and normal again. But I had to push hard to lose the 5 pounds every two weeks. It was so stressfull to have your life hangin in the balance contingent on weather you lose weight when you failed all your life to lose. First month easy. She loved to make fun of my journals. second month I was down by one pound and she let it slide. WHEW Third month..I lost 7 pounds the first half and in the second half I was in a major car crash and couldnt walk for a week.. I didnt lose the weight and I gained 2 pounds, making my loss neggative by 6 pounds. I couldnt exersize as I had been. She said the car crash was an excuse. (I had proof, it was bad, I was black and blue all over my stomach and legs and shoulddres) I had lost 25 pounds in three months.. slow and steady.. And she yanked me. I was devestated. So.. I saught another doctor and when I did, she told them I was a drug seeker. I had refused to sign narcotic release forms and I didnt comply with perscribed care. I had NEVEr had any pills cept ultram and I only got them twice a month and on my periods (I had only once every 2 to 3 months) I had never claimed to loose them, never asked for more. I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHIGN at all, that could possibly show drug seeking. She had NEVER asked me to sign anything. And not complying with care is NOT loosing 25 pounds in three months? New doctors did not care about getting facts and proof, they automatically got this look and belevied her on her word. I was humiliated and felt so wronged THEN SHe sends me a certified letter saying she is releasing me from her care becasue I got agressive with her and I treated her nursing staff rudely and I didnt comply with care. The next report used the words Abusive instead of aggressive. I never yelled, I never left my seat, I didnt motion at her, I didnt slam a door, I didnt stomp, alll I ever did was cry and try to explain myslef. I always felt inferiour and affraid of her.. I was in no way rude to the nurses. I was always nice. They took me to weigh my self and I would chit chat about how I hoped I made the weight. I had to go into crisis counseling after this. I was affraid of finding a doctor and I was crippled again. NOW I am back to the WLS story.

Soo.. One day I am sent to a vocational doctor.. and I take the chance to run by her my proposal for ultram and how It will help me get my life back and lose weight and such, She thinks its a GREAT idea. But she cant prescibe them due to the ins rules. She has examined me thoughoughly.. she has talked to me and touched and checked me more at that time than my regular doctor ever did. I tell her what my doctor has done. I cry knowing she will never give them to me. She said, You let me take care of that, She gave me a referrall and said to take it to my doctors. It said that I was severely limited in mobility and that she reccomends me to have 6 ultram a day" I did.. She laughed at it, like it was fake or something. GRRRRR I got her to contact the voc doctor and she came back with a two page fax and a scowl on her face. She was pissed.. She was out for my blood and this is what she said. "OK.. YOu are getting what you want. I hope your happy now that you got your way" "6 ultram a day? I DONT THINK SO... you can have 4 a day" "you will have to come in every two weeks to pick up your prescription from this office, it cannot be called into the pharmacy" (not true, that was her rule) "I want to see you every two weeks as well.. I want to see the look on your face" Suddenly.. I had to come in every two weeks and weigh myself. I HAD TO LOOSE 10 pounds a month OR ELSE I would NOT get anymore pills. I had to bring in a journal of the food I ate for the week" "YOU think this pill will save your life and make you super women.. then proove it.. IFyour twice as active as you claim to be than the weight should fall off. " "I need proof that this pill is working for you. I refuse to prescribe it for pain. I am prescribing it for you to lose weight. IF it fails to end in weight loss than I will not prescribe these to you ever again" "ITs all up to you now. You wanted them, you have convinced yourself and lets see you try to convince me" "If you keep up the loss of 10 pounds a month, I will continue to give them to you.. IF NOT.. THEY ARE GONE!" "I dont want you to blame me either... dont come crying to me, this is your chance.. May i suggest you try the prism diet, I lost 15 pounds and it was really hard but if I can do it, you can do it" CRAZY BITCH comparing a 130 pound women to a 350 pound one. Needless to say... I was obsessed with loosing the weight.. I didnt care as much about loosing weight as I cared about being mobile and normal again. But I had to push hard to lose the 5 pounds every two weeks. It was so stressfull to have your life hangin in the balance contingent on weather you lose weight when you failed all your life to lose. First month easy. She loved to make fun of my journals. second month I was down by one pound and she let it slide. WHEW Third month..I lost 7 pounds the first half and in the second half I was in a major car crash and couldnt walk for a week.. I didnt lose the weight and I gained 2 pounds, making my loss neggative by 6 pounds. I couldnt exersize as I had been. She said the car crash was an excuse. (I had proof, it was bad, I was black and blue all over my stomach and legs and shoulddres) I had lost 25 pounds in three months.. slow and steady.. And she yanked me. I was devestated. So.. I saught another doctor and when I did, she told them I was a drug seeker. I had refused to sign narcotic release forms and I didnt comply with perscribed care. I had NEVEr had any pills cept ultram and I only got them twice a month and on my periods (I had only once every 2 to 3 months) I had never claimed to loose them, never asked for more. I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHIGN at all, that could possibly show drug seeking. She had NEVER asked me to sign anything. And not complying with care is NOT loosing 25 pounds in three months? New doctors did not care about getting facts and proof, they automatically got this look and belevied her on her word. I was humiliated and felt so wronged THEN SHe sends me a certified letter saying she is releasing me from her care becasue I got agressive with her and I treated her nursing staff rudely and I didnt comply with care. The next report used the words Abusive instead of aggressive. I never yelled, I never left my seat, I didnt motion at her, I didnt slam a door, I didnt stomp, alll I ever did was cry and try to explain myslef. I always felt inferiour and affraid of her.. I was in no way rude to the nurses. I was always nice. They took me to weigh my self and I would chit chat about how I hoped I made the weight. I had to go into crisis counseling after this. I was affraid of finding a doctor and I was crippled again. NOW I am back to the WLS story.

I learned to NEVER give up hope. There are things in life you may not even know exist that can help you. Recall I had come to the conclusion about a year before that I could never lose weight on my own cuz My body was in so much pain that excersize was out and life was just too hard. I couldnt do it when it was alot easier. I had NEVEr admitted defeat about anything before. I had to. Once I did it became alot easier to live with myself. So.. It happened by acident: I had been givin some ULTRAM (non narcotic pain pills) for my menstral pains (obgyn) and soon found my self able to be more physically mobile. I realized I was being all mobile cuz my body didnt hurt. It was a magical day. I was sorting laundry, washing it, drying it.. as if I hadnt just spent the last year Sitting on top of it for three hours, sorting as I sat. And having the kids put the loads in. I discovered PAIN pills, and how if your body hurts and you releive that body of hurt, it functions better.. (I swear it was like finding the meaning to life) I could clean the house, feed the animals, park myself, check the mail, wash my hair...etc etc. I COULD ALSO get some excersize in and focus on my health not on my exhastion and blinding pain. I HAD HOPE AGAIN.. I was alive again. I was SAVED! NOt so fast: My doctor was a fucking cunt from hell who I wish I could confront and humiliate to this day. (all the reasons why will NOT be covered in here) I told her a million times in the past I had constant pain mostly in my back. NOw, I told her how the pills (prescribed by a gyno) had releived that pain and that I would like to have some more for every day please. She laughed in my face. (OH god if you could see the faces she made!) She said I was too "euphoric" about my new found mobility and ability to LIVE a real life. She said narcotic Pills are not prescribed to make people feel happy about their life. She said "cocain makes people feel good, should they do it?" I told her I didnt feel high at all, I knew what high feels like, I wasnt euphoric, If I ever became euphoric I would report to her.. I was willing to start on a low dose. I tried to get her to understand that I WANTED THE PILLS TO RELEIVE THE PAIN IN MY BACK AND BODY.. and BECAUSE that pain was releived, I was able to be my normal happy self. IT WAS NOT the drug making me happy.. SHEESH Finally she says "there is nothing wrong with you.. your obese and your out of shape and your simply having aches and pains and if you would drink more water, excersize and take care of your self, You will feel alot better." She said the way I referred to it as getting my life back showed that I was overly sinsitive and dramatic and extreemly emotional. She also said this is the cause of my pain. That If I had a more possitive and brighter look out on life, I wouldnt have the pain I THink I have. (the thought of her checking my back or doing any kind of research at all to see where my pain was coming from.. was not discussed or thought of by me..I just didnt think of it. If I had I would of asked her to check me out, she should of done that nayway) When she normally said these things, I felt belittled and I shut down. BUT nOW, MY LIFE was at stake. So I tried to show her why I knew those things werent true. I knew what pain was and how to listen to my body. I was NOT stupid! I explained that I had left a crackwhore mom and quit a very bad life of crime and perversion and addictions.. I made a life for myself and my children from age 16, I graduated high school in the top ten, I went on to get my AA and then moved all alone to get my BA.. and I had walked through floods to get the kids to daycare, and worked any shit job i could find, I raised really good kids and I never ever left them, I have lived in my car with my kids for two weeks JUST so we didnt miss any school, and I walked 40 blocks sometimes when my car broke down to college and back rather than risk doing poorly or missing school. I told her how I excelled in every job, I was teachers aid and the next year made a preschool teacher (unheard of for a student) I then taught the incoming students on how to be with the kids and I AM the one who came up with the curriculum after taking a 500 level class..and it was used for the two years I was there. I was trained and became cetified to provide foster care to kids 12 to 21 (though I never took them up on it) The agency pratically begged me to write a proposal so they could open a much needed teen parent home.. I got on at Rape crisis and soon I had the key to the office and the pager for weeks at a time when the rule was no more than 48 hours and it was cuz I outshined and prooved myself to be better than most. Much more. I never had a man taking care of me, and no parents and didnt need friends either. My kids were in every sport, I was room mother. I did special needs child care, I organized city block garage sales, I threw parties for the college housing kids, Those things above were VERY hard for me. I was young, alone, mom of three, poor and obese. I told her that I bust my ass everyday, I have been for a long time. I told her that I dont feel happy unless I am exhausted and feeling my efforts and find it unsettling to lay around and relax. I told her I am not affraid of pain. I kinda thrived on it. I told her that I go 100% almost every day and it barely covers the basics. She snorted at that. Didnt tell her: (I have fallen, passed out and bruised myself at times because its not in me to quit, It makes me feel like shit. So i go too far. I happend to have developed a habit of self abuse. BUT its not abuse if you like it!) I know doctors dont like it when you go on and on (protest too much) BUT I NEEDED her to stop assuming I was some obese lazy loser who didnt know anything. My degree was in psychology. I KNEW plenty. Still she refused.. asking me "what are you doing now" "I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL cuz of the pain.. I can hardly manage my day" Scoffed.. I tried one more thing.. That IF my pain wasnt really real, that the pain pills wouldnt have that affect.. and if I was depressed and lazy and unmotivated ... HOW and WHY would I suddenly start doing all the things I always did before I got the pain. I would still choose to sit around and be lazy and whine if that was true. She said that narcotics are very powerful drugs that fool the brain and give you a high that can make you do all kinds of things.. I told her I think If that was happeneing I would like do stupid things like druggies do.. BUt I happen to do the things I did before like laundry and the yard and wash the car (things I had stopped doin) She never really heard me and just said what she thought anyway. This was not one appointment. This was many over several months .... I refused to give up. I got the ultram for my cramps once a month and thus I had some to experiment with.. I found out that I never got euphoric, that I only needed like two pills and That they did indeed make me whole again. I saved some to take to camping and BAM, I was doing ALL the camp things I used to love but had to stop cuz of pain. I prooved it to myself over and over that I was NOT lazy and depressed. I made the mistake and told her this and she said I was misusing the pills and she was going to talk to my gyno about that. So here is some back story on the gyno.. this doctor (the cunt) had dicked me around for almost two years.. I had extreme menstral pain and begged for help. Somehow she held me off for that long. I was never gave a pap and she was giving me depo and said I was lucky to get that cuz it did help alittle. ONE day after expelling a ruber chunk the size of a deck of cards, I refused to let her dissmiss me. She threw her hands up and said "GO TO A specialist, THATS all I can tell yOU" She was mocking me.. BUT I DID GO The obgyn specialist, listened to me for half an hour, told me I had some problems to take care of and look into and gave me the ultram for pain. (I have had two ablations and soon to have a hysterectomy) NOW my doctor is threatning to call the obgyn. BUT, I had a nice conversation with the gyno about how my doctor said there were NO pills for menstral releif but anitinflamitories.. The gyno said ultram is used all the time. That I had symptoms of menstral diseases and would need a pap. She realizes I never had one in the two years and she asks me why and I said I didint know.. she explained it was highly irregular and she was shocked. I said my doctor never brought it up until she told me to see a specialist. She was nice to me and wanted to help me. Well the obgyn left practice and I had to turn to my doctor for the pills for my period and she refused, calling them narcotics and NOT for mentral pain. I told her that the obgyn said ultram IS for cramps (used all the time) and that she should doube check. And NOT a narcotic She wasnt saying that she didnt want to give them to me. She was saying that THEY WERE NOT prescribed for cramps. Ummm.. Can she proove it. One of them is wrong. So she faxed the file.. and came in laughing at me that there was NO history of me ever having ultram and that the obgyn had said I was a basket case and needed therapy to get over my fear of a pap smear. I told her I needed to schedule a pap.... and she said she didnt do them. I learned later that basetcase was mY words, and that my doctor had told the obgyn that I had refused paps.. NO I never! I wouldnt refuse, I wasnt that bold. had she told be about them I would of had one. SHe didnt tell me. Plus I found out she DID do paps all along. Well all I had to do is calll the obgyn offices and ask for another obgyn to look in my file and see what I was prescribed and please call it in.. It was done in 10 mimutes.. (she had lied again about not seeing it in the file, he had seen it jut fine) She wasnt happy once I prooved it to her and she had no excuse to deny me.. It was only 15 pills. like 5 aday for 3 days.. I needed them every day.

I learned to NEVER give up hope. There are things in life you may not even know exist that can help you. Recall I had come to the conclusion about a year before that I could never lose weight on my own cuz My body was in so much pain that excersize was out and life was just too hard. I couldnt do it when it was alot easier. I had NEVEr admitted defeat about anything before. I had to. Once I did it became alot easier to live with myself. So.. It happened by acident: I had been givin some ULTRAM (non narcotic pain pills) for my menstral pains (obgyn) and soon found my self able to be more physically mobile. I realized I was being all mobile cuz my body didnt hurt. It was a magical day. I was sorting laundry, washing it, drying it.. as if I hadnt just spent the last year Sitting on top of it for three hours, sorting as I sat. And having the kids put the loads in. I discovered PAIN pills, and how if your body hurts and you releive that body of hurt, it functions better.. (I swear it was like finding the meaning to life) I could clean the house, feed the animals, park myself, check the mail, wash my hair...etc etc. I COULD ALSO get some excersize in and focus on my health not on my exhastion and blinding pain. I HAD HOPE AGAIN.. I was alive again. I was SAVED! NOt so fast: My doctor was a fucking cunt from hell who I wish I could confront and humiliate to this day. (all the reasons why will NOT be covered in here) I told her a million times in the past I had constant pain mostly in my back. NOw, I told her how the pills (prescribed by a gyno) had releived that pain and that I would like to have some more for every day please. She laughed in my face. (OH god if you could see the faces she made!) She said I was too "euphoric" about my new found mobility and ability to LIVE a real life. She said narcotic Pills are not prescribed to make people feel happy about their life. She said "cocain makes people feel good, should they do it?" I told her I didnt feel high at all, I knew what high feels like, I wasnt euphoric, If I ever became euphoric I would report to her.. I was willing to start on a low dose. I tried to get her to understand that I WANTED THE PILLS TO RELEIVE THE PAIN IN MY BACK AND BODY.. and BECAUSE that pain was releived, I was able to be my normal happy self. IT WAS NOT the drug making me happy.. SHEESH Finally she says "there is nothing wrong with you.. your obese and your out of shape and your simply having aches and pains and if you would drink more water, excersize and take care of your self, You will feel alot better." She said the way I referred to it as getting my life back showed that I was overly sinsitive and dramatic and extreemly emotional. She also said this is the cause of my pain. That If I had a more possitive and brighter look out on life, I wouldnt have the pain I THink I have. (the thought of her checking my back or doing any kind of research at all to see where my pain was coming from.. was not discussed or thought of by me..I just didnt think of it. If I had I would of asked her to check me out, she should of done that nayway) When she normally said these things, I felt belittled and I shut down. BUT nOW, MY LIFE was at stake. So I tried to show her why I knew those things werent true. I knew what pain was and how to listen to my body. I was NOT stupid! I explained that I had left a crackwhore mom and quit a very bad life of crime and perversion and addictions.. I made a life for myself and my children from age 16, I graduated high school in the top ten, I went on to get my AA and then moved all alone to get my BA.. and I had walked through floods to get the kids to daycare, and worked any shit job i could find, I raised really good kids and I never ever left them, I have lived in my car with my kids for two weeks JUST so we didnt miss any school, and I walked 40 blocks sometimes when my car broke down to college and back rather than risk doing poorly or missing school. I told her how I excelled in every job, I was teachers aid and the next year made a preschool teacher (unheard of for a student) I then taught the incoming students on how to be with the kids and I AM the one who came up with the curriculum after taking a 500 level class..and it was used for the two years I was there. I was trained and became cetified to provide foster care to kids 12 to 21 (though I never took them up on it) The agency pratically begged me to write a proposal so they could open a much needed teen parent home.. I got on at Rape crisis and soon I had the key to the office and the pager for weeks at a time when the rule was no more than 48 hours and it was cuz I outshined and prooved myself to be better than most. Much more. I never had a man taking care of me, and no parents and didnt need friends either. My kids were in every sport, I was room mother. I did special needs child care, I organized city block garage sales, I threw parties for the college housing kids, Those things above were VERY hard for me. I was young, alone, mom of three, poor and obese. I told her that I bust my ass everyday, I have been for a long time. I told her that I dont feel happy unless I am exhausted and feeling my efforts and find it unsettling to lay around and relax. I told her I am not affraid of pain. I kinda thrived on it. I told her that I go 100% almost every day and it barely covers the basics. She snorted at that. Didnt tell her: (I have fallen, passed out and bruised myself at times because its not in me to quit, It makes me feel like shit. So i go too far. I happend to have developed a habit of self abuse. BUT its not abuse if you like it!) I know doctors dont like it when you go on and on (protest too much) BUT I NEEDED her to stop assuming I was some obese lazy loser who didnt know anything. My degree was in psychology. I KNEW plenty. Still she refused.. asking me "what are you doing now" "I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL cuz of the pain.. I can hardly manage my day" Scoffed.. I tried one more thing.. That IF my pain wasnt really real, that the pain pills wouldnt have that affect.. and if I was depressed and lazy and unmotivated ... HOW and WHY would I suddenly start doing all the things I always did before I got the pain. I would still choose to sit around and be lazy and whine if that was true. She said that narcotics are very powerful drugs that fool the brain and give you a high that can make you do all kinds of things.. I told her I think If that was happeneing I would like do stupid things like druggies do.. BUt I happen to do the things I did before like laundry and the yard and wash the car (things I had stopped doin) She never really heard me and just said what she thought anyway. This was not one appointment. This was many over several months .... I refused to give up. I got the ultram for my cramps once a month and thus I had some to experiment with.. I found out that I never got euphoric, that I only needed like two pills and That they did indeed make me whole again. I saved some to take to camping and BAM, I was doing ALL the camp things I used to love but had to stop cuz of pain. I prooved it to myself over and over that I was NOT lazy and depressed. I made the mistake and told her this and she said I was misusing the pills and she was going to talk to my gyno about that. So here is some back story on the gyno.. this doctor (the cunt) had dicked me around for almost two years.. I had extreme menstral pain and begged for help. Somehow she held me off for that long. I was never gave a pap and she was giving me depo and said I was lucky to get that cuz it did help alittle. ONE day after expelling a ruber chunk the size of a deck of cards, I refused to let her dissmiss me. She threw her hands up and said "GO TO A specialist, THATS all I can tell yOU" She was mocking me.. BUT I DID GO The obgyn specialist, listened to me for half an hour, told me I had some problems to take care of and look into and gave me the ultram for pain. (I have had two ablations and soon to have a hysterectomy) NOW my doctor is threatning to call the obgyn. BUT, I had a nice conversation with the gyno about how my doctor said there were NO pills for menstral releif but anitinflamitories.. The gyno said ultram is used all the time. That I had symptoms of menstral diseases and would need a pap. She realizes I never had one in the two years and she asks me why and I said I didint know.. she explained it was highly irregular and she was shocked. I said my doctor never brought it up until she told me to see a specialist. She was nice to me and wanted to help me. Well the obgyn left practice and I had to turn to my doctor for the pills for my period and she refused, calling them narcotics and NOT for mentral pain. I told her that the obgyn said ultram IS for cramps (used all the time) and that she should doube check. And NOT a narcotic She wasnt saying that she didnt want to give them to me. She was saying that THEY WERE NOT prescribed for cramps. Ummm.. Can she proove it. One of them is wrong. So she faxed the file.. and came in laughing at me that there was NO history of me ever having ultram and that the obgyn had said I was a basket case and needed therapy to get over my fear of a pap smear. I told her I needed to schedule a pap.... and she said she didnt do them. I learned later that basetcase was mY words, and that my doctor had told the obgyn that I had refused paps.. NO I never! I wouldnt refuse, I wasnt that bold. had she told be about them I would of had one. SHe didnt tell me. Plus I found out she DID do paps all along. Well all I had to do is calll the obgyn offices and ask for another obgyn to look in my file and see what I was prescribed and please call it in.. It was done in 10 mimutes.. (she had lied again about not seeing it in the file, he had seen it jut fine) She wasnt happy once I prooved it to her and she had no excuse to deny me.. It was only 15 pills. like 5 aday for 3 days.. I needed them every day.

I first heard about the gastric bypass in the year 99 or 00.. It was on Montel. I knew it was the one thing that could save me, the only thing. About a year earlier I had gave up the notion that I could ever lose wieght on my own. I hadnt stopped trying, but because I was becoming worse off physically, I knew I would not be able to do it on my own. I needed medical intervention. I knew it. I now knew it existed. So I began research. It was like 50,000$ and not covered by my insurence (though it had been a few years prior). I was poverty striken. I was so close once. I had found a bariatric surgeon to talk to and give me information and send me stuff.. He said that IF I had Gallbladder problems (symptoms are heartburn, yes I had that) that the gallbladder work would be covered by insurence, and while he was in there he could do the gastric bypass for 3500$ AND I could make payments. I was sure that he implied that he would make sure I got a diagnosis of a gallbladder problem. His and his nurse seems in on it, cariing for us. Well,, My ins said that I would have to see the gallbladder docter in my coverage area, BUT he wasnt a bariatric surgeon. I could only go out of my area if we didnt have one, but we did. I considered moving to the coverage area. BUt I was in college. I Had a job where I only had to work two hours a day for like 800 a month and it was the only job I could physically do and it was a hard job to find. Plus that doctor stopped taking payments AND I wasnt so sure he would say I had a bad gallbladder and the consult was prohibitive in cost for me. I kinda started to think, I just cant make this work. I decided to wait and see if anything might turn up in the future. At least I knew there was some HOPE that I might not be obese until I die.

I first heard about the gastric bypass in the year 99 or 00.. It was on Montel. I knew it was the one thing that could save me, the only thing. About a year earlier I had gave up the notion that I could ever lose wieght on my own. I hadnt stopped trying, but because I was becoming worse off physically, I knew I would not be able to do it on my own. I needed medical intervention. I knew it. I now knew it existed. So I began research. It was like 50,000$ and not covered by my insurence (though it had been a few years prior). I was poverty striken. I was so close once. I had found a bariatric surgeon to talk to and give me information and send me stuff.. He said that IF I had Gallbladder problems (symptoms are heartburn, yes I had that) that the gallbladder work would be covered by insurence, and while he was in there he could do the gastric bypass for 3500$ AND I could make payments. I was sure that he implied that he would make sure I got a diagnosis of a gallbladder problem. His and his nurse seems in on it, cariing for us. Well,, My ins said that I would have to see the gallbladder docter in my coverage area, BUT he wasnt a bariatric surgeon. I could only go out of my area if we didnt have one, but we did. I considered moving to the coverage area. BUt I was in college. I Had a job where I only had to work two hours a day for like 800 a month and it was the only job I could physically do and it was a hard job to find. Plus that doctor stopped taking payments AND I wasnt so sure he would say I had a bad gallbladder and the consult was prohibitive in cost for me. I kinda started to think, I just cant make this work. I decided to wait and see if anything might turn up in the future. At least I knew there was some HOPE that I might not be obese until I die.

Jachut, I TOTALLY AGREE! It was a constant effort but it wasnt so hard that like you siad you have to be a diet natzi.. I really really hate seeing reallly overweight kids.. I hate to judge.. BUT its hard. I cared so friggin much, I was able to do it and It was that care that motivated me the most as I was just a kid and not very health conscious at all..

I wonder what I Do wrong.. I will prolly never know

OMG I made this huge post. Full of the worst and its gone Oh well it was nice to get out

OMG I made this huge post. Full of the worst and its gone Oh well it was nice to get out

Thank you I hate to be neggative.. But of course my fear is all the food will sit and sit, as I dont use it and turn to anything else thats NOT on my diet goals.. Each day I will eat some of the food, but cheat on other bad foods. (its real easy to go to the store) and VICIOUS CYCLE> Me awknowleging this in NO WAY is an indication of my motivation. Its a fear, cuz its happened hundreds of times.. THATS why I got the band.. I ALWAYS FAIL. WE will see.. I spent hours last night figuring out on paper, what I could eat and how much and in what combonations.. in order to not go over.. I CANT IMAGINE I WOULD GO GET A RESES or CHEETOS ... BUT usually thats when it sneaks up on me, when I least think I want it. MAYBE being here will make a difference. I am already depressed. Not eating, feeling much guilt and fear.. IT BEGINS TOMARROw

Thanks, I wasnt trying.. it just happens sometimes.. today too. feb 12 1 cup roasted red pepper 2 tbs parm 2 cups milk 2 cups apple juice fat free fudge bar 10 hershey kisses