bcos

Hey, I'm new here. I'm sure this has been said time and time again not only in this support site but in general. I am yo-yo'ing with my decision. I want the outcome. I want to be successful. I want (and need personally & medically) to lose weight. I am going through the steps to get the surgery. I will likely get it done. However, from time-to-time in my head I back out and have a 'normal' life. I really thought that after the group consultation (1st initial meeting) and some more reading I was set on surgery. VSG in particular. Today I went to my first dietician appt (I had previously seen a diabetes dietician...about 2 months prior). I have to write down what I eat and show it for the next 3 classes. I don't like this feeling. I don't want someone to scrutinize my eating habits. (Please be assured I know that the we have to record it to track eating patterns, be accountable, show that I'm making changes, and all that jazz.) I just feel that this woman who hasn't had the same struggle with weight (severe obesity) is going to look at my log and make me feel bad if I went and had some fast food. I feel like I won't get to have surgery if I write down I had a cookie. Do I have to put why I ate the damn cookie? Can't I want a cookie...I wasn't sad or stressed or lonely or depressed...I just wanted a cookie. I don't know why. I'm also feeling I'm going to struggle with this non-starchy vegetable thing. The only veggies I really like are the bad ones apparently. Just make myself choke down some non-iceberg lettuce with dinner? If I'm feeling like this now how will I feel post-op? (Which due to my work schedule may not be until the end of March...and I'm doing this all now...luckily I was told to do the food journal now for all of my classwork and it'll be good for a year) After all of my yo-yoing I'm sure I won't pass the psych eval so I'm probably worried over nothing... (kinda sarcasm here) I just don't want a life that revolves around food. It just seems that's what my life will be. Calories, Proteins, carbs, calories, proteins, carbs, repeat. Oh...and exercise. I don't even know if I have a question. This seems more like a blog post than a forum one and for that I'm sorry. I just wanted to get this out there in sleeve land. I haven't really seen any posts where people regret it. I guess my biggest fear is that I'll fail. (No, I don't want to sit around eating Cookies all the time...I've even lost 20 pounds before any pre-op stuff...I just want to not feel guilty if a cookie is enjoyed. No, a cookie probably does not taste better than healthy feels...but hell, I wouldn't really know. It's just I guess that 'cookie' is representative of free will or whatever...) I want to be post-op, healthier, fitter, leaner, and feel normal not like a calorie hawk. Again, sorry for just rambling what is in my mind.

I was sticking to most of what my diabetes dietician recommended. (I have prediabetes and met with her to discuss habits and carbs and what not) I was walking more and when I went in today to get weighed I'd lost 20 lbs in a little under 2 months. I was happy with the lower number on the scale...then she just changed my mood. I was feeling successful. I understand I cannot sit around and eat what I want. I did that for over a decade. I just don't want to feel guilty if I indulge once in a while as a treat like a 'regular' eater would. I am worried I'll get denied or reprimanded if I put birthday cake on my log. I mean, dammit, I'm turning 30 and wanna go out with my girls because when I'm 31 I won't be able to Celebrate the same. I also wonder if I waiver this much in my head am I ready for it? (I know have make changes--I'm not going to go down the path of some relatives, I cannot) Thanks for your support. I don't even know my relationship with food. I just wanna break up but food is probably the only addiction that you have to have in your life to live. I also have to know the dietician isn't judging but it's just difficult because I know she hasn't walked in our plus sized shoes. I just want to see sleeve veterans living normal, eating normal, not fixated on numbers....but I guess that'll never be my future?