Moro Rock

Yes! Hang in there! I am 11 days post op and have just started doing better at getting in at least 60g liquid protein and about the same amount of water. But I can only stand to drink both if they are ice cold. Otherwise, forget it. I am seriously looking forward to eating puréed foods! I just keep telling myself that it took time to get here, so naturally it's taking time to reverse the course. Then I take a sip of water

This is truly me. Not the professional, mother, friend afraid of judgement or wife making light of her past - but really me. Feels good to just be that - me. I had an emotional childhood. The oldest of 5 kids and daughter to high functioning alcoholic and untreated bipolar disorder/clinical depression parents. Riddled with disabling eczema and asthma, I got to know hospitals very well. I would scratch, bleed into my bed covers and by morning they had become the scabs we could not rip off. The belt beatings from my mother in a blind rage were the worst. I can still hear myself screaming. I chose happiness any way I could. I started hoarding candy from birthday parties. I was a heavy teenager but excelled in high school. I was the smart overweight friend who would tutor the football team in basic math. I wasn't date able so the guys treated me with respect but not the same goofy behavior as when the liked a girl. I was relieved to stand behind them instead of being in their sights as a possible conquest. Then one day my junior year in high school, one of the most sought after and cutest boys "Victor" looked over the railing of our 2 story honors classes building and called my name. Me? Probably dropped something he wanted me to bring up? Then he ran down the stairs half way to meet me to talk about last nights reading assignment. All the saliva left my mouth from the stair climb but I managed the brief conversation. Next day he waited and we walked up together. We realized we lived on the same long curvy street but on opposite ends. That summer we did not see each other at all. We both had jobs. Determined, I started exercising. With all my job and academic involvement I walked to the school quite a bit and decided to run. Senior year was great until his mom said he could not go to prom if it was with me. So he went with another girl "for the pictures." Talk about a kick in the self esteem. But, I chose happiness any way I could. Depressed and choosing happiness/gaining weight, I graduated and as I threw my cap in the air I walked away. I knew I was going to college somehow and getting out of this small town where you grow up, marry some guy you never would have dated in school. Have kids and repeat cycle. Got a new job through a friend who said she would set fire to my bed if I did not get out of it! I discovered that I could starve myself and only ate every 4th day and workout 3x week. That's about as long as I could go without starting to fall down a lot. When I did eat, it was about 2tablespoons of whatever. I lost 80 lbs. Women would ask me how I did it. If I felt like being honest, I would tell them. No one believed me. Guess who called 1 year after high school? Yup, Victor. I was living on my own, with job and school and car but I still accepted his invitation to lunch. He had to be home before his mom got home from work so we could not have dinner. I know, cringe. I thought I was choosing happiness. We dated again, it ended when I started dating grown men. Still starving, I started eating every other day to control my weight. I dated a semi pro athlete and he would always call me fat. I has 5'1 and 115 lbs. So, more starvation. Eventually, I met a beautiful man who loved me thin and as the pounds creeped back on. We have been married 22 years. I had a wonderful 25 year career as an advertising director of an department. I worked hard to get to that position. Many 14 hour days and late night binge eating. After 10 years and several miscarriages, we finally had a baby. 6 months later we discovered I had breast cancer while pregnant. With a very young child, I opted for bilateral mastectomy. After extensive chemo and 11 surgeries, I made a full recovery. I tried every diet out there. I had the money so why not try? Then the company shut down as the economy tanked. I was now out of a job. I could never starve myself again. It was so painful. I tried more diets. Cheaper ones. Still, they only work as long as you stick to them. 1year into my new job I started feeling sick and very tired. I knew it had to be something deep. Colds or flu don't feel this way. I had a two week rule. If it hurts for two weeks, then I go in to doctor. Most everything passed before time was up. One day as I getting my son ready for school, I lost control of my bowels and soiled myself. I knew I was going to hospital. I took a shower, got my 1st grader into the car and drove him to school. Instead of walking him in as usual, I encouraged him out of the car and told him to walk in and tell the office his mom was going to hospital. I riddled off my medical history as I sat in the ER doubled over. Good thing most of that history occurred there. After some tests and pain meds they consoled me by letting me know how sooty they were to inform me that my appendices ruptured and they would have to perform surgery asap. I chose happiness. I laughed as I told them I thought it was cancer returned. And since people live through appendicitis, let's go!!! I met my surgeon after he performed appendectomy - maybe before...morphine. When I asked him how is it my body did not stop me sooner, he very gently stated that it was my nature... My nature to endure pain. So much for choosing happiness. He suggested some form of WLS but I snuffed it off telling him that I was way to strong, smart and happy to do it. I just had to get my butt in gear. But, 1.5 years later after having lost and regained 45 pounds plus some, I came back and asked for help. I had been so tired lately since regaining weight. I just couldn't choose what I thought was happiness anymore. I needed help. When I look back and think of all the pain I went through, I wrap my arms around myself and thank God I am still here. Now that I have had Sleeve surgery, I feel like I can step back from anxiety, emotion and that overwhelming urge to eat high calorie ice cream and truly chose happiness that in the end will result in happiness - a healthier me!