Madam Reverie

Okay, so, since I've been frequenting this virtual bariatric world, there appear to be a few issues which seem to ignite much debate and throw the most meekly devised threads into huge ego-centric 'flaming' exercises. Not only do I, personally, find this predictably boring; it is also deeply unhelpful. We all know that this process changes or should change, how we do and view things to do with food and wider health issues, forever. As such, it takes a bit of getting used to. The prospect of having to adapt our long-held behaviours is scary and our little food related rituals? They are tough bleedin' Cookies to break. (My apologies for mentioning the 'C' word there) Consequently, I'm a big believer in the adage that 'skeletons in the cupboard' are no longer 'skeletons', if they are dragged out into the light of day. (Normally kicking and screaming with the neighbours looking on in horror) So, roll-up, roll-up. Consider this an online bariatric confessional! There'll be no 'Hail Mary's' or 'Our Fathers' and flagellation will NOT and should not be forthcoming. I want you to tell us your 'dirty' little bariatric secrets. What did you do? Why did you do it? (and I will refrain from asking 'with whom?' you did it!) How did it make you feel afterwards? Did you resolve to never do it again - or indeed, did you think that actually, everything in moderation is not so bad after all? Did you chow down on that hot-sauce laden and cheese encrusted beef taco 2 days post op? (No one can tell I'm fantasizing about anything that does not constitute a 'fluid' much, can you?!!!) Did you sneak into the fridge and eat all your kids chocolate bars, happy in the knowledge that your Protein Pump Inhibitors would prevent you from getting indigestion? Did you swallow 10 vodka martini's to see if your pouch and your legs could take it? Come on, tell Aunty Revs and lets see if we can put these beasts to bed once and for all x As is only fair, I shall go first.. Tonight, I, 8 days post surgery, ate a fair amount of cheese frosting off the top of a red velvet cupcake (and maybe a couple of mouthfuls of the sponge, too). Why? Because it was there. Did it make any sense? No, because I have never craved sweet stuff. I'm a savoury kind of girl. What did I learn from it? That damn, I'm an emotional eater (which I never thought I was) and that shockingly, that **** went down a little bit too easily. Consequently, I learnt in that way lies grave danger... See, if I can do it, anyone can. So, step forward and lets hear the 'worst' you've got. Everyone is welcome and all are equal here x

Dear Jessica, Sadly not. After the honeymoon period, it is so very easy for the weight to come back on. I'm not joking. You HAVE to give it your best whilst the going is good... The core advice I'd give is... If you're a carb addict (like me) - NEVER go back to eating bread products. That way lies the devil. Actually, sod it, whatever your thing was before.. It so shall be after - because it used to be your friend. Everyone has to accept that. It is also easy to swap one 'friend' for another. Usually booze... It's hard. I'm back to having to be very cognisant of what I'm putting in my mouth now.. very... Your stomach WILL STRETCH. Oh, and I've found that i'm hungry every 2.5 hours - which can lead to EASILY maxing out on 2000 + calories. It's not a miracle, it's a tool - as everyone has said. I'm still trying to master mine... Not very successfully after having put on 22lbs. Maybe I should put down the glass of wine x

My 'guilty secret'? I bloomin' created this thread and can't believe it's still going! My bad <as she glugs a nice ice cold glass of Gavi > I am incredibly proud of you all for all the honesty and humour though! x

This had me in stitches... http://www.dietdoctor.com/the-problem-with-low-carb-bread

As if you'd expect anything less.... ************************WARNING*********************** ********************GRAPHIC LYRICS*****************

Oh, goody.. I see some things haven't changed... *sigh*

Yes, yes, yes... the beast is here! <stretches, scratches her fur, sniffs her bottom and armpits> You lovely lot. I have missed you too. And thank you for the very kind words of those who have taken inspiration/umbrage at my vomitorium of inane witterings. So, whats been happening in the world (of bariatric stuff - I'd be here all year discussing international politics...) Although in saying that, if we talked about American politics, I might vomit my way to losing those 22lbs, thinking of the bad-haired idiot currently running for the big seat... (Yes, the vomit joke was in poor taste, before anyone jumps on me saying 'beat the insensitive clod! She's evil!) Ooh, this seat is familiar and comfortable. I might sit in it for a while. Right, whose round is it?

Oi! Who awoke the beast?! I'm hiding, because I'm 22lbs heavier Pfft...

Hello you mentalist xx

Ann, of course I remember you! Glad to see you're still haunting these halls, as am I about to - again! Glad to see you're looking/sounding happy and well. Lets get this party started, shall we?!! x Babbs, I don't 'know' you, but I saw you around in your early days. Glad the posts made you laugh - crikey, do we all need it sometimes?! Thank you for the welcome back. Look forward to having some 'banter' as we Brits call it in the not so distant future!

Thank you, Glitter, that's so very kind of you to say. In all respects! Feels good to be back. I, too, will be endeavouring to kick the @rse out of the extra pounds. (She says whilst quaffing a glass of white wine!) I am back on the Protein shakes (as of today) and am starting to log my food again. I have realised; if you take your eye off the ball for a second, it is now VERY easy to clock up 2,000 + calories. We went through too much adversity to throw what we were given away through being lazy! So I have made a promise to myself NOT to be so. Besides, I want to look BANGING in a Christmas frock! Yay! Back on the hamster wheel....<groan> Thanks again! x

Glad you found my post thought provoking. It's a tough journey this one and never fails to challenge me on a daily basis. The food devil is still there, despite the surgery. I know now, that the surgery, although it helped, didn't cure the core reason for my being big... And now I can eat more - never helpful! Consequently I'm back for a bit of perspective to get the weight i've put back on - off!

Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently. Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size. Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big. The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother. My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age. The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children. The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids. When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love.... As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection. I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue? Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty? Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable? I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror? i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak. Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt. What are yours? With utmost respect and affection, Revs x

I've put on weight. It sucks. About 16lbs from my lowest weight. I'm just over 2 years out. Can eat quite a bit more than at the start - obviously - but the reason I am putting on weight, is because within 2 hours of eating, I'm hungry again - and I eat - and not always healthy options (still a carb addict) . It's no joke - nor is it head hunger. Consequently and after a sabbatical where life seriously got in the way (Family/Relationship Breakups/Deaths), I have returned to the forum to get my brain back into gear and work on getting my weight back to what it was. Accountability is key - so I'm about to become accountable! So, for those of you who know me and those of you who don't... Hello! T'is, I! Now, where's that contentious yet luscious Lipstick Lady and the rest of the gang? You know who you are! What've I missed?! -x-

Yes, Fother Muckers.... Apparently so. I'm a normal BMI. I can't believe it, either! Has anything changed? No, it hasn't. I buy smaller clothes, but I still see a zeppelin in the mirror. I have major body dysmorphia (sp/ph). Does anyone love me more? No, not really. My girlfriends keep slapping my ass saying 'how f****ing long are your legs?!!!'; does it make me feel better? No. What it has done is make me feel.. conspicuous.... I don't like it... Years hiding in the shadows and all of a sudden I'm 'out there'... and its made me feel very insecure about other things. It appears I have swapped one set of insecurities for more... A lot more. At this stage, I'm happy (truly I am) and I'm turning down the voices that are telling me other things in my head. Every day it is a struggle. But I am trying. As for the metric heads? Yes, I have hit goal. Realised I had done it today. Does it mean much? No. Because I have greater things to worry about. Body Dysmorphia being one of them. But... I couldn't have got 'here' without the surgery and without all of you. For that, I am eternally grateful - despite my need for refined sugar! (and a chemical peel!) Meh, what can I say? I'm exhausted (house move, mother with cancer, employment issues, fiance who threw me under the bus) But, I'm still here and still smiling. I'll leave you with a picture of me with my beautiful nieces after I'd sparked them up on Halloween. They're so beautiful, intelligent and funny. I love them; like I love you all. -x- Revs

Thank you, my dear

Jesus H Titty f****ing Christ. I typed out love, life and the universe and I lost it. Don't like this website! So, who cares? I'm still here fother muckers. Life has been very difficult for me recently, but I'm still lurking. I'm still head above the Water. Miss you lot, but life got in the way. Sorry x As the film once said : You create it, she will come..... You created it... I came. Not in the biblical sense, you understand. If I had, it'd be the immaculate f***ing conception! Oh, who am I kidding, I'm practically the virgin Mary! But if you call, I shall come. Love you all xx

My Darlings, I haven't been here for a while and whilst I won't make apologies for this -had a lot going on in life (my dearest mother has been, well, not well at all- and my friend who put false nails on me one day ago, has a lot to answer for in this immediate typing nightmare) it would be churlish and remiss to not acknowledge this milestone. A milestone I'm hugely proud of. So, Fother, Muckers, what have we learnt? 1) Your friends or family (if that's who you choose to tell) are everything. Fact. Real and internet based. If you're blessed - you make friends on here that stay with you forever. I have that. I am blessed. For the newbies.. hold tight... life is good if you make friend(s) like I have. Put yourself out there. Lets share this journey together... (yes, I used the vomit-worthy term 'journey'). I told none of my family.... but I have gained a lifelong friend off of here... and she is a true blessing in my life. If you're dancing in corners. Stop it. Dance in the lights and meet wonderful people. I know you've been shy... or the diametric opposite as a cover...seriously.... open your hearts. We're all scared...But when you're open and vulnerable - that's when the best things happen. Go on. Surprise yourself x 2) It all feels like shite at the start.... 8 months out and you're rocking it. You find your groove. Don't lie to yourself. Stop trying to ram your old favourites down your neck. You're lying to yourself if you are. Just f*****ig stop it. No one will listen to you griping and well, you're just lying to yourself. If you're sat there thinking 'who the f**** is this biatch'...It's someone who lied to herself.. and then realised she felt shit if she didn't eat the right foods. As good as carbs taste? You'll feel sated (and hugely over -bloated) and then feel empty. There's a reason why the old guard on here tell you to eat right. Just choose Protein... Fact. 3) Don't sit in judgement. You don't know everything. If you do? Become a researcher for Steven Hawking/Pinker. I am a judgemental SOAB - but every day on here - someone taught me something new. I'm contrite. But f**** me... if people don't stretch the intellectual conditions of the positions to which we've found ourselves...this site will become an 8 month cyclical repository of predictable shite. Push the boundaries, folks. Keep asking those questions and keep supporting others. To the 'old guard' be very grateful....... To the newbies, be patient (something I'm trying to learn) 4) Okay, I could go on forever and ever.. about HUGE subjects that impact upon us all after the surgery. If it clarifies things for people.. I split up with my fiance.. I realised me siblings had left my mother in a position of destitution...But I look f******* hot now.. and thats come from a strength from within that I never realised I had and was not all about the looks. I have changed the world around me. A world I wasn't happy with. A world around me that the people i most cared about weren't happy with. I am FULLY representing. Big deep breaths... What you want.. what you need.... what the people you need desire of you, is seriously within your grasp. In short, my loves.. Don't BS yourselves and others. You want it? Go get it. Its out there. (Oh, for the metric heads, i'm 5-odd stone down..) If anyone would like to stay in touch? Please.I'm always here.. (Just be prepared for the sarcastic Revs, if you're not taking real x) Love you all. You're all very very special. Part of a club of balsy people that the naturally skinny will NEVER understand. x Revs x ( A little bit drunk, too!) x

Hey Alex. Just a thought.. If you're asking people for ways to contact the 'main man', rather than always being firewalled by Omar, you may need to ask people to do it off this thread. I suspect everything that's posted is being read by you know who and contingencies are devised accordingly.. I have a good idea with regards to your query. I shall PM you that idea...

THIS, really resonated with me... On so many levels... I hear ya, Ginger x

Way to go, you! Your post warmed my heart. That takes guts. May the path for you and your daughters be full of light, love and laughter from this point on. You deserve it. x

Yeah! So ner ner ne ner ner

Nicely put, my dear