meamo

Hello my darling Diary.. I am sorry I have neglected you. Work is out of control and I barely have time to breathe. Going online at home is not an option. This is the one area I don't need anyone in my life knowing about. Too stressed to even think today. But glad I was able to drop the 3 lbs I had gained a couple of weeks ago (damn you tasty alcohol beverages!).
 
Spoke with a temp agency this AM seeking new work. They have several temp to hires...that's all I'll accept. Touching base with them Monday to see what they've come up with for me.
 
sorry, too tired to focus. Will do full update monday.
 
toodles.

Haven't posted in a while mostly because well nothing too exciting happening. Staying the course with my diet. I am still doing a morning shake everyday. I use a scoop of unflavored unjury, skim milk and ice and a couple packets of truvia then add coffee, its been something I actually look forward to. I still have yet to find any food that does not agree with me. (not always a good thing) I find that bread and potatoes fill me up to the point of being uncomfortable so I just stay away, but things like chips and crackers do go down easy so I am not letting those come into the house. I am having fun with cooking, using the recipes I find on theworldaccordingtoeggface blog. I made some lettuce wraps that turned out great the other day. My husband even liked them. We grilled steak this weekend and it was amazing! I only have to buy one steak now and we split it. My exercise is still low key, I walk 3-5 times a week with a coworker, I need to turn it up a bit and get weights in but the weather has been so nice I want to enjoy it to the bitter end! I have all winter to be inside in the gym. As of today I am down 30 pounds and I am 8 weeks out. My closet is starting to not yield much to wear. I have this gap of clothing the "too big" stuff is being thrown into a pile for friends and goodwill, and the "I will get there" clothes are still out of reach and there's not much in-between. I am down to one or 2 pairs of jeans that I can fit. I never realized how long I went wearing clothes that were too tight simply because I couldn't wrap my head around buying the next size up! I may do a big overhaul on the closet this weekend. in 2 weeks I go on a girls trip and we will be hitting some outlet malls, I won't go crazy buying stuff but need to get a few things., I like how shirts are fitting me now. I am top heavy and have lost almost 2 cup sizes, the girls are a bit lower but still look nice in a bra! LOL, I managed to find 2 old bras that I had stashed because they were too small so that has saved the pocket book. My progress remains at 1-2 pounds a week. Sometimes with an extra bonus pound in there somewhere. So I am not the fast loser I hoped I was going to be but this is the fastest I have ever lost weight in my life and kept it off! And for once there's no end in sight, no rebound with binges because I can't handle being no carb or so super food restrictive that I just crash into a bag of McDonalds like a raving lunatic! I look at food for nutrition but I also allow for what I am craving. Partly because its such a small amount. I can usually curb a craving with a sugarfree popsicle, or a couple crackers with peanut butter. I have stayed away from all the cider doughnuts that keep making their way into my office. I did have a minisnickers but kept it to just that one! Which was a feat in itself. I am keeping with the mantra of protein first, and have not had a problem sticking to it. It doesn't really require much thought anymore. I know I am still in the "honeymoon" phase, I have no real hunger just a weird feeling when I go too long between meals. I love the little blue diamond 100 calorie almond packets. I usually have one between my morning shake and lunch, I also have been making mini rollups for a quick protein snack. I take a mini dill pickle, half of a slice of deli ham and a teaspoon of low fat cream cheese, roll it up and its a perfect quick grab snack. This is becoming quite long winded(and I can't separate paragraphs for some reason) I feel good about my future feeling optimistic. So on that note I will end this

I had planned on documenting my gastric sleeve surgery experience in the order it occurred, but I forgot about the psych evaluation. Once again luck was on my side as I knew what to expect before arriving. I had a chance to talk with a post-op gastric sleeve patient during my 1st appointment with my doctor.
 
The test itself was about 451 questions. Really though, you could say it was about 150 questions asked 3 different ways. My best guess is it is done in that format to measure how consistent and true you are answering. I guess that they believe that if you are trying to manipulate the test for whatever reason, by asking the same question 3 different ways mixed in with 450 questions, you won't be able to remember how you answered previously and your true feelings will be revealed.
 
I can't remember the exact answer selections, but I think there were 6 choices - ranging from Always True to Never True. So they might ask, "Have you consistently missed work because of drinking?" and you choose among the 6 answers as to how true the question applies to your situation. 50 or so questions later, it is asked again differently, "I never drink so much alcohol that I have called in sick at work." And they mix in questions about how alcohol has played a part in your family and social life. Your feelings about stealing, is it better to be a child or an adult, how you behave in social situations, how you bad/good feel most people behave, which is the better part of life - being a child or being an adult. I think you get the general idea.
 
The psych interview was pretty brief - about 15 minutes. The questions mainly center around my eating habits and what I knew about diet and nutrition. That I realized that surgery was only a tool and not the solution. That I needed to exercise before and after surgery. And what I thought my ideal body weight should be. I told him that I didn't want to fixate on a specific number and just wanted to look "normal", whatever that weight turned out to be. I had been following a guy on youtube who started out at my weight 350 and was down to 235 and I thought I'd be very happy to look like him. I haven't been down below 270 since 1997! My doctor later told me that my ideal weight is 200 and seem to take it in stride that I'd have no problem getting to that weight. So we'll see. My plan is to set small goals and not get too hung up on reaching a specific weight.
 
Expenses so far:
 
My copay for the doctor has been about $2000 so far ($500 office visits, nutritionist counseling / $1500 surgery cost)
My hospital costs so far, $3000 ($1000 blood, ultra sound, chest xrays and EDG / $2000 surgery cost)
 
I had a bit of a panic yesterday. The hospital called to confirm my surgery date and collect payment. They told me the surgery cost was $19,000 and in my mind I'm thinking "NINETEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I wasn't expecting to have to pay out of pocket that much! And then they said,"Your copay is $2000." Fortunately, I hadn't completely stroked out after hearing the first part and was able to get my heart out of my mouth after I realized I wasn't responsible for the full 19k. :-) I fumbled my Discover card out and gave them the digits.
 
Still to be paid (and as far as I know, the last):
 
Pre-op blood typing/urine testing (must be done within 72 hours of surgery)
 
- I'm scheduled to be tested on 12/26 / surgery 12/27 / expected to return home 12/28.

It's been a month since surgery and a while since I made an entry. All in all - no regrets! This has been a total change in lifestyle for me and so far so good. I've learned a ton about my body and what I can and can't eat. Yesterday I experienced the pain that comes from eating too fast and not choosing the correct foods. I had some steamed broccoli and salmon for lunch (left over from dinner out the night before). I had a tightness in my chest and severe nausea. And then it hit me - the vomiting. I was VERY uncomfortable for about an hour. I had some errands to run and jumped in the car. Big mistake - the seatbelt made it worse. Had to pull over on the side of the road. It happened at dinner the evening before as well. Had to run to the restroom at the restaurant. Lessen learned. I suppose there's a reason the NUT said soft foods ONLY at my 3 week appointment last week. So back to shmooshy foods I go and more shakes. I'm struggling to get in enough protein daily (80 grams) and forget to eat. I'm not losing as quickly as I was before and it's frustrating but I know I'm shrinking because my clothes are very loose. I'm down 36 lbs. from my high weight on 7/16 (19 pre and 17 post). I'm not napping nearly as much as I was and I do have more energy during the day. The next few weeks are going to be stressful as we are moving so I'm going to have to remember to take care of ME first during all of it. This is a new concept as I'm usually last in my life (after my kids, husband, pets, home, etc.). I have more confidence, I'm taking control and I'm EXCITED for a fresh start

What an incredible journey so far! Today is the 9 month Anniversary of my surgery, and I am in the best shape of my life!! I feel great and I am keepin' on keepin' on. I can wear belts, now. Wooooohooooo! I am blown away with how easy things are for me physically, now that I have lost a super model (actually, they weigh less than 112, so I've lost a super model and a toddler). The benefits of my weight loss are too many to list, and I am so very thankful I made this decision to LIVE!!!
 
I am doing my very best to make the right food choices, and I am staying active. I am looking forward to what life has in store for me.
 
Thanks for listening!

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...

Ugh not as fun, I got my woman garbage & I retain a lot of water. so I had to try to step up my water intake to compensate. At least its almost over.
 
I had a rough week in dealing with that, but as of today I am cleared puree food! Hallelujah!!! I am normally not a Hummus fan, but that was some great food. Dinner tonight was low fat refried beans, a bit of guacamole, a bit of salsa & a touch of sour cream. in total it was maybe 2oz. but it was good. now it's to introduce the other pureed foods, I bought some baby food, for days when I have to run, sounds bad but when your hungry, you never know. I figure I will keep eating the soups where I have a freezer full & as they told me today 1-2 protein drinks a day for a very long time. which is fine by me. makes it easier.
He said to drag a bottle of water everywhere, when people start eating they forget to get water in & get dehydrated. I usually do any way. now I'll be checking my urine again to make sure today I am a long way away from my goal of 64oz I maybe have 30. so I will be drinking, drinking, drinking... in sips, sips, sips.....

So I woke up this morning, SUPER glad that yesterday is DONE! I was looking at the calendar and I saw the date, I then began to think. As of this past Sunday I am 2 months out, 8 weeks people, from my surgery date and I have lost almost 30 pounds! Amazing, right? Well...yes it is, but then I thought, "Woman, you need to zip your lips the next time you think of complaining the scale isn't moving!". RIGHT?!!!
 
In those very thoughts I thought of how amazing it is to even be able to vocalize that I have LOST, not gained, almost 30 pounds!!! It seems like a lifetime ago that I was able to say I even lost 5 pounds, or even 10! Now look at that number!!! I then thought that I have no right to gripe when the scale doesn't move as fast as I think it should, or say what I have been waiting for it to say. Our minds, well my mind anyway, can be a dangerous place and that is why I HAVE to talk positively to myself every minute of the day! Who thought I would ever be able to say in 8 weeks I have LOST almost 30 pounds!!!
 
I guess it's in the moments of reflection that you begin to realize that at times we can become so complacent, so ungrateful for even the smallest victories. I cannot speak for everyone, just for me, and I am a very thankful person, and when I realized that I was getting to the point of not being satisfied with my victories, that is a sad day for me. I read someone else's blog this morning on almost the same exact topic and it just made me think.
 
I'm working on my mind, daily, and this is such a touchy subject with me. But I have to wake up everyday and KNOW that I am not yet where I want to be but I am so much better than the day before.
 
In the person's blog that I read she recounted the obstacles she has overcome, and how she, too, is frustrated with that stupid scale as she is so close to her goal and it is just taunting her. When will we, I, be completely satisfied??? When did I overlook where I came from and open my eyes to now see the real reflection of ME? I'm almost completely off my insulin and I am completely off my oral meds for diabetes, that is a HUGE Victory and if nothing else changes, I am so thankful for that.
 
I've worked hard in my life to really like who I see in my reflection, and at times I haven't even wanted to look. My husband tells me how good I look, I shake my head no, he tells me I'm beautiful and I struggle to say thank you...but I'm getting better. I can like who I see in the mirror, why? Because she has a beautiful heart, she is a strong woman and because she has come through so much in her life, and to get to this wonderful place, I just couldn't be more thankful. I don't want to take one since solitary moment for granted, and seem like I'm ungrateful. I'm blessed beyond measure to be able to have come this far.
 
Have a GREAT day!!!

​Why is it that as humans we never seem to be satisfied, or we're always so hard on ourselves? I'm 10 months out from my sleeve, and down 110 pounds from my highest weight 16 months ago. For the past couple of months I have been losing, and regaining the same few pounds! I go between 172 & 175 pounds, and can't seen to drop below the 172 pounds! I'm only 16 pounds from my goal weight that the doctor gave me, and it seems as though I'll never get there! I'm obsessed with the numbers on that darn scale! Lord help me, I get on it everyday, and hold my breath, and hope it will finally drop below the 172 pounds! When I see it hasn't changed, I get very upset with myself, and always feel disappointed with myself. Why don't I remember WHERE I came from, and give myself a "pat on the back" for how FAR I have come? 110 pounds is nothing to sneeze at! Why as humans do we never feel satisfied with our accomplishments, why don't we think of all the positive changes in our life, and "beat ourselves up" over where we THINK we should be? Like the fact that I can now ride my bike over 20 miles in about 2 hours, and used to get winded just riding down to the corner! Like I can walk our dogs 4-5 miles in a little over an hour, and still feel great afterwards, and before I got tired and winded just walking down to the corner! I used to take blood pressure meds 2X's a day, depression meds, acid reflux meds, cranberry pills for frequent urinary tract infections, and my kidney function wasn't good. Now I don't take any of those meds, and all my levels are great! I use to wear a size 26W, and it was getting tight, and now I wear a regular size women's 14. So why am I so hard on myself, and dwell on the weight I still want to lose, and not on how great I have done so far? I'm going to a wedding this Saturday, and I got a pretty plum colored evening gown, size 14 to wear to it. It looks so pretty on me, and I actually feel GOOD in it, and am looking forward to going! I use to DREAD going to any social, or family function, because I was so self conscience about my size! I never thought I looked GOOD in anything I wore, and always felt so fat and unattractive. I guess I'm blogging this for 2 reasons, one I hadn't blogged in a few months, so thought it was time, and two, so I can read what I'm writing and remind myself just how far I have come! Attached is a picture of me in my new dress I'm going to wear to the wedding this Saturday. I put it on and had my hubby take a picture of me in it so I could share it with you.

...and I just can't hide it! Just spoke with my surgeon's office. All of my paperwork and clearances have been received and she will be submitting it all to my insurance TOMORROW for approval!! The girl who does it is actually pretty cool and we have chatted a few times, so I don't think she is blowing smoke up my butt. She knows I am very excited so I hope she does follow through...Now I pray ( and yes- stress) for a quick approval. My fear and nerves may start to take over, so I just need to stay focused and positive. If I am this excited about this, imagine how I will be when I get approval!!!! I probably better bring a spare pair of pants with me to work for a while, I may need them!!! LMAO The timing could not be any better. I have been seriously struggling lately. I lost some of my momentum. Like everyone who struggles with weight I have been plagued with doubts and self sabotage. My will power has been turning to "won't" power. I have lost 20lbs since 8/1 and I am very happy and proud about that. But, without the surgery, I don't see much more coming off. I need the restriction. I need that extra "umphf" to get me past my head. I need the surgery. I am just so very, very happy my journey is moving in the right direction!!!

I have started, deleted and restarted this post so many times. It shouldn't be this difficult to write my first post, I have so much to say... I don't want to start at the "beginning" that needs to come, but I am not sure if I am ready to put into words what brought me to the place I am today. So I think I am going to just talk about why this surgery is important to me. The goals I want to achieve with this surgery and what I want to do for myself along the way.
 
Goals
 
Its easy to set a weight loss goal. I have had a number in mind from the first time I stepped foot in a Weight Watchers meeting when I was 23 years old. I picked a number right smack in the middle of the "acceptable" range. 142... The last time I saw a weight that started with a 1 and a 4 was when I was in the 7th grade. There is a part of me that thinks there is no way in this world I will ever EVER achieve that number again. There is a bigger part of me that says I can do this, no I can do this! So in my head I have a few weight loss goals, and reasons.
 
280: I chose this number because spring of 2012 I worked my butt off for months, with a trainer, 5-6-7 days a week in the gym. Taking step followed by Combat in one day and not blinking an eye. I lost 15# and for the life of me I could not get past 280, I grew frustrated and worried about answering to my trainer and.... I gave up.
 
261: Forever... my top weight was 261, I mean years. I started Weight Watchers so many times at this number it is unreal. It also happens to be the weight where my body seems to react to my weight and causes a metabolic response that causes me to be irregular with my monthly cycle (Sorry guys if this is TMI but it is true) From the moment we women start menstruating we women complain about how horrid it is, how much it effects our lives. After struggling for the past few years of random 2-3 times a year cycles I can say there is nothing that makes me feel like less of a woman than the fact that I do miss that every month. It might sound crazy but I think the first time I get my cycle two times in a row I will probably cry...
 
220: The one and only time I have been completely successful in a weight loss journey was 5.5 years ago. I counted every damn calorie I stuck in my mouth, I counted every damn calorie I burned on the eliptical, I worked hard and it showed. I had someone, that I respect very much, tell me I was like a rose getting ready to bloom any day. I WILL be that rose someday.... and I can't wait.
 
199: Who doesn't have this as a goal? The last time I weight around this weight was after I gave birth to my son. My pregnancy was not the cause of my weight gain. I started my pregnancy at 190# I gave birth to my son at 204# and the day I left the hospital I weight 189#. Yes I was overweight, I admit it, but I was OK.
 
I don't really have a goal between 199 and 142. I don't know where I will land. I know this... I will not stop until I am happy. I love strength, I love muscle and there is nothing that makes me happier than showing up my friends on the gym floor with the weights. We have a University in my town that does body composition testing with the egg thing, once I get to the point where I feel I am close to a goal or I am feeling comfortable I am going to get a full body composition. I did this to lose weight and be healthy, I want to have a healthy body fat percentage and I want it to be accurate.
 
More than anything... Size 2, Size 22 I am doing this for me, and only me. I want to be healthy and truly happy for the first time in a really really long time. I can't wait to add more along the road!
 
I leave you with a picture of me and my pride and joy. I always wanted FIVE children and God has blessed me with one perfectly imperfect son. I know I will have more children someday, more than likely through adoption or marriage but.... you never know! He is my reason.... He is my soul.... He is my life.... He is rotten... and makes me work for kisses (typical 14yo)

Well I am just shy of 2 months! I have made it to my first mini goal! Yay! So excited! I am and proud that I actually made it! I still am struggling to get in exercise! I know I need to but time is not my friend right now. I literally am so busy right now with everything else. My husband is going through some sort of something right now and I am picking up his slack. ALL the house chores and cooking is falling on me. Not to mention soccer pratice, homework, and giving the kids baths ect. You parents know the deal. It's like I am a single parent right now! He is not happy about his weight and I think seeing me losing and becoming more postive and happy has him in the dumps. He isn't being ugly to me or making me feel guilty but he seems a little checked out. I have mentioned to him about the slacking off but I am trying to let him work through this funk. I am however feeling a little stretched and I am going to snap soon! He is complaining about his weight all the time. It's like he is becoming me before surgery! Hopefully I can inspire him to change his lifestyle and this is just a phase before he snaps out of it and starts to. Well enough of that! It is just something I never thought would happen when I started this. I didn't think it would affect him this way. Well back to me! lol
So my next mini goal is 199! That's right ONEDERLAND! Oh to see those numbers on my scale! What a happy day! So hopefully in the next couple of months I am going to make that happen! I want to make it there or under by Christmas! It is my Christmas present to myself! So my stats so far are...
Pre-Op -7lbs Size 20 pant 1-2x tops
1 Month -26lbs Size 18/16 XL
2 Month -12lbs Size 16/14 regular L no PLUS SIZE! And 45 lbs lighter!
Can't wait to see what next month loss will be! Happy Friday Y'all!

One Week ago today I had my sleeve surgery. This past week has been not what I was prepared for or expected. I have felt practically "normal", with no bad effects at all. I was prepared to be laying on the sofa wrapped in quilts and being waited on by my hubby. But reality was from the day I came home. I never needed a nap, never needed waited on and never had a moment of nausea. Thank you God! I weighed myself and one week out I am down 8 pounds for a total of 62 pounds lost! Hope it continues.

Day two after my surgery which was on the 11th. I am feeling remarkably well. No belly pains at all, but it sure is rumbling and make a racket. I drank a protein shake and had a greek yorgurt. I know I need to drink more water in between, but I will work on it. I took a nice walk outside because the weather here in Lancaster PA is gorgeous today.

Ok, I was saving two pair of jeans because they were like new, they used to be so tight I couldn't wear them. I was looking forward to be able to put them on. I got them out yesterday to try to see if they would fit, and horrors of horrors, they are too big!!! I couldn't even get them to stay up comfortably with a belt. I'm crushed because now they have to go to the good will and I didn't even get to wear them!!! Oh well, I suppose that is a good thing. People have finally noticed that I'm losing weight, one at church and one saleslady at work. I told them thank you and yes it is hard work. I've lost 45lbs and I know I should be proud of that but somehow doesn't feel like enough. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to others but sometimes it's hard not to get weight loss envy. I was sort of complaining the other day and my son said to me that even though I'm losing weight I still look good and healthy unlike two of his co-workers that had the bypass procedure, he says they've lost a lot of weight but look like they've been sick. So i guess that losing slowly isn't so bad as long as I look healthy. I'm off all BP meds now, and have reduced my diabetes meds in half, Doc says probably will be off all soon. I am waiting to go back for another sleep study to see if I can go off my CPAP, I can't wait to get rid of it. I have 4 lbs to go before I hit one-derland, I can wait I'm so close.... but probably another 2-3 weeks. Oh well, slow and steady....

I probably shouldn't be typing today. Yesterday was just an all around horrible day. I had it out with a co-worker. I really do try to bite my tongue and keep peace...but oh lord she just hit the wrong button. So we've agreed to just not speak to each other. I was going to ask my director to move my cubicle elsewhere (so very tired of the drama in this dept). However, I don't want to add to the drama and stress him out. So I just keep my headphones on and play my music all day while I work. Today I feel the need for 'angry' music.
 
So worked sucked. Get home last night. I'm chilling with my kids then my g/f gets home...and...well.. of course she starts. Yells at my daughter because she left her bedroom light on (YES i agree, let's not waist energy, i'm big on that too) She then tells her to stay in her room the remainder of the night and takes her phone away. I realize my kids have been told more than once not to leave lights, but really? Then my g/f looks at the living room table and asks me "you couldn't clean it off?". Now keep in mind, I'm a super cleaning freak now. I keep that table SPOTLESS. However SOMEONE (who was not me) was in a rampage Sunday looking for one of her bills and a gift cert. Of course she had to take every document we had put away out to look for these papers. So...was I going to clean up her tantrum mess? OH HELL NO.. Then she looks over at the kitchen table and notices HER waffle from Saturday morning still there. And of course she asks why it's still there and why I didn't clear up her plate after breakfast when I cleared mine. I kindly reminded her she is an adult and can clear her own plate. I reminded her how she got up after breakfast and sat her @ss down on the couch. The 'rule' is who ever cooks, the other cleans..yet when I do cook (which isn't often, I hate cooking, always have) she NEVER cleans up after. Matter of a fact, she usually has the kids do it. I started to eplain to her she needs to help out more around the house. She went on and on about how she pays the bills and cooks.. Of course this didn't go over well with me since i pay MORE THAN HALF the mortgage (since my kids take up the 2 spare bedrooms) and how I pay MORE THAN HALF Of the utilities...we won't even go into how I buy all the toiletries (which is MY fault since I will only use Tide). So we begin yelling at each other...and I finally screamed out "since this is YOUR house and YOU pay all the bills, I'll just move out and get my own place".
 
Yeah, that didn't go over well. She accused me of being a child and wanting to run out rather than deal with the relationship like an adult. I told her i'm tired of the nitpicking and the fighting. We basically yelled another 30 minutes then we both shut up and aren't talking to each other.
 
This is the part where I was proud of myself. Rather than run to the fridge to attempt to stuff my face, I went to my room and began cleaning. I even cleaned the bathroom (ok so the bathroom in our room is 'our' bathroom. however, she NEVER cleans the damn thing, so i've stopped getting ready in there, I've stopped cleaning it. Thinking that just MAYBE she would get off her @ss and clean.. NOPE. it's a hot mess. Gross really). So I grabbed clorox and wiped down the whole damn thing. Did a load of laundry.
 
So this shows me my old habits of using food as my comfort, I now use cleaning as it HAHA!! Much less self destructive.
 
I did look for houses to rent online today. Ugh there is nothing in my price range (how the hell do people think we will pay more than $1000 for rent..seriously?) I don't know if this fight will blow over.. I don't know that I want it to. I do love her. I do. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad...ugh watch out world. Explosive. I don't feel it's a healthy relationship for either one of us..love or not.
 
Blah, I just want to go home........so over today.

It is 18 months since I was sleeved and I absolutely love my sleeve.I am 8 pounds under my goal weight which is a little to low (my face looks very wrinkly at this weight)
 
Have been in maintenance since about Jan Feb this year and it is so easy to maintain.I do have a strategy I live by though.
 
1.Weigh every morning.The scale is my friend and I allow myself at most 4 pounds up before I get backto basics.And as my weight never goes up gradually (it jumps up 4 pounds after a week or 2 of loss of fucused eating),it is always easy to get back to protiens for about 4 days and it is gone again.
 
2.Eat little bits of most food but protein as the primary food source.
 
2.No excuses when I gain.
 
3.Not denying myself but never OVER indulging either.
 
Now in this year a lot of very heavy emotional stuff happened in my life and to some extent I have to rebuild my whole life.The blessing of the sleeve is I couldnt eat away my emotions anymore and am learning to deal with it.I am also in therapy now.In my house everyone now eats healthy,regularly and we are learning to really enjoy food.My youngest child developed an eating disorder (she's only 12 now)for which the blame can be laid at my feet.My obsession with food,no,food,weight related issues coupled with a few comments like gymnasts who is lighter finds it easier in higher levels (she's level 8) have made her decide to self restrict her food and at first I thought I was eating much more as my food portions was all of a sudden the same size than hers.After cutting my food to almost nothing I realized that HER PORTIONS WERE AS SMALL AS MINE.
 
Anyway,it showed me my obsession have hurt my children and that they need me to eat with them,which I stopped doing after surgery.I also have to eat mostly what they eat.NORMAL is what I have to do even though my portions cannot be normal.She is doing somewhat better but I have to super vigilant and consistant in my food behaviour as she is not Completely out of the woods yet.
 
Life is really good as we are all learning by the grace of God how to communicate,express,eat and live life as whole people.
 
I still have vitamin issues and borderline low protein but we are working hard on fixing this (side effect of all this is I still lose way too much hair all the time)
 
I am so greatful to have had this surgery.It gave me a life I never would have had.It has helped me change a lot of the issues that kept me in one place.My motto of life is to be managed not to be cured still stands but have a different meaning altogether now.Mindful, intentional living is great!
 
The sleeve rocks
 

So it has been 6 weeks and 6 days since surgery! I have lost a total of 35 pounds since surgery! Pretty impressive and I am 3 pounds from my first mini goal of 220. It has been over 8 years since I have weighed that and I was 13 weeks pregnant with my first child. It was my first weigh in and pre natal Dr. appt. and I was SHOCKED I weighed that much! Now I am so excited to see that number! Talk about perspective! I remember crying the whole way home! Now those tears will be joy!
Well on to the NOW!
The things that I am dealing with as I am more healed and eating "normal"...
I am losing and I get to the point of feeling "normal" and dare I say comfortable. Then I get on here read something and get all paranoid and start 2nd guessing myself. I know that we are all different in how we lose weight, how we got to the point of choosing surgery, and how we will lose with surgery. The common thread here is we are all/were obese and we all had sleeve surgery. I have been not getting on this site and fining my own way. I want to continue to document my feelings but I am at the stage were I need to find a comfortable way to live and still lose the weight. Now, having said that this site has helped me so much! I kind of take the good and the bad and try to filter the crap out. I am not blaming this site for my doubt but ME for letting myself get caught up with this site and not listening to my body and my medical team. Since surgery I have NEVER been told by my NUT or Doctor to eat low carb high protein diet. Aim for 60-80 grams of protein and 64oz of water yes but no limit on carbs. I don't usually have room for more than a bite anyway. They said protein first, veggies/fruit, and then carb. Make good choices and eat a balanced diet. They never said restrict calories to such and such a day, do not eat over 1/4 or whatever cups of food. They said everyone is different and gave me a chart of what their average patient eats after surgery and at what stage. They did talk to me about sliders and how no one even people who haven't had surgery should avoid these foods. I am pretty smart and I know healthy meals from crap so I don't know why I think because I eat a piece of bread one day that I have sabatoged my weight loss and will FAIL!
So yes the last few weeks have been plagued with this self doubt! I am working through that!
I have had some pretty big losses! The first week I lost 14 pounds! This week I lost 5! But I also have had the dreaded stall! I lost nothing and even gained a pound around week 3 into 4! But it came off and ironically the next day after I ate the evil carb infested multi grain toast for breakfast! go figure.
Hunger has come back but it is different. The first month I don't think I was ever really hungry. had some head hunger but nothing more than that. The past couple of weeks I do get hungry but it's not that crazy hungry where I will want to eat a horse! It just a tiny little pang in my tummy and chest. If I don't heed the warning and eat a bite I get shaky and get very run down. These hunger pangs don't happen everyday. Some days I feel like not eating at all. I never get hungry and never really want food. I am making myself eat something on those days. Then some days I feel like my body needs the food and I eat more on those days. Food taste better on those days too! I followed this trend last week. On the days I felt hunger and felt I needed food I lost and days I didn't want food and didn't eat hardly anything I didn't lose. I only usually weigh once a week but it was an experiement last week! It was interesting and taught me what I already knew! My body knows best! So while I am not an expert on weight loss surgery or how to lose the most weight and fast I do know MY body. So this week I am going to listen to it and see how things go. Oh I still like my little piece of chocolate in the evening! I don't eat it every night but I will not ever let myself feel guilty when I do from here on out! This self doubt and guilt crap was before and I will not let it get the best of me now!

Well, first of all, I can't believe it's been 4 months already. I'm really loving my sleeve. I'm down -41 lbs. since pre-op diet. Went from size 16 to very loose size 12 pants. Have already cleaned out my closet once, but soon I'll have to get rid of the 12's too. So happy about that. Also, went from XL shirts to M.
 
Lessons learned ... I don't have a great metabolism. I have to exercise (and do so about 3 times a week) and watch my carbs to lose weight, and even then it's pretty slow progress. As soon as I just watch calories, I don't lose. I don't gain either, which I'll keep in mind for maintenance phase. I can eat just about anything, so I really have to chose to eat the right things. Only things that give me a little trouble if I eat too fast and don't chew enough are: salmon, thick cuts of beef, dense bread. I don't eat bread anymore, but I did try it once or twice. I also have to space out my supplements. If I take too many at a time, I get the slimees.
 
I have about 29 lbs. to go for my initial goal of 140. I will reevaluate how I feel/look at that time, and may lower my weight goal... who knows.
 
I would highly recommend that all new sleeves look at this surgery as an opportunity to start over and live a healthy lifestyle. If we were to keep our old ways, the results might not be as permanent as you think. Sure, you will lose a whole bunch at first because you just can't consume as much as before... but, even amount of food you can consume will change. It's those permanent (and healthy) changes that will help us get to goal and stay there. I don't know.. just my thoughts. Not lecturing or anything... really just self-reflecting. I really don't want to ever be in the morbidly obese or obese range again. I already feel so much better physically and mentally, and still have a ways to go.

Well...GOOD morning!!!! I took the advice I was given and ran with it! I am trying...trying...trying to up my calorie intake, that is very difficult, but I am managing!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO...as the title states, IT MOVED!!! The scale, it moved, it moved, it moved!!! And I got so excited, I told my hubs...he likes to joke around and he said, "well the scale does move when you get on!!" I just said, "HONEY!!" He laughed and I said my stall is gone for now, now that makes me HAPPY!!! It was stuck, on 208 forever! NOW...it reads 203.8!!! Yippee!!! I have to say, we are all on this journey and I am super thankful, daily, that I have the support that I have, and I will help be a support to anyone who needs it! This is for the rest of our lives and that is the really exciting part!!! We get to have energy, function without losing our breath, exercise and not still be jiggling even when we are done, live longer, have a healthy relationship with food, give our families the BEST of us...the list goes on and on! I'm just so excited to see and hear about everyone's progress, it just makes me smile!!!

I have lost 23 lbs since surgery!!! I am very happy with my progress so far. I was a little disappointed but then took a step back and realized how much weight that was in such a short time. For the first time in my life I want time to go by fast just for the next year. I am almost in the 250's and I am so happy. My first goal is 249 so I am just waiting for the day!!! I haven't seen that amount on the scale for years.
Exercise is going well started walking 5x's a week and strenght training 3 days a week. I love working out and I feel crappy when I don't. I really want a bicycle but I will wait till spring of 2014.
Food wise I am still on Meat, Cheese and Eggs only. I can introduce veggies back at 2 months. 1/2 cup per day. I am looking forward to that but they did warn me that the weigh loss will slow down due to the added carbs from the veggies. So I don't have to add them back every day or at all if I don't want too.
I am down into a size 1x shirt and I haven't checked on pants yet , i know they are getting very loose but not enough to fall off and have to go to a smaller size.
Tomorrow is weigh in day and I am so excited to see the 250's on my scale.

ALMOST there!! Hit the scale today at 175, that means a total loss of 80 pounds since my pre-op weight (65 post op). I'm comfortably in a size 8 (from a size 18/20)...and I'm loving my new life.
I was blessed with a recent change to meet my all-time FAVORITE band (Rascal Flatts) just this past month. I was so happy to be able to go and enjoy myself and take pictures and not worry about how I looked, or what people were thinking. It's amazing how much this life-change has really put my entire life in a new perspective. I didn't realize how lacking my confidence was...actually I always prided myself on being a confident woman, but I didn't see how much I was holding back until I lost the weight.
I had the joy of attending my daughter's Back-To-School Night last week, her 2nd grade teacher (from 2 years ago) didn't even recognize me.
For those of you that are struggling or are in the early stages of this change...keep the faith- you CAN do this, and I promise you it will be worth it's weight in gold when you are living your new life. For those of you debating on doing it...I cannot promise you an easy path, I can't say for certian you won't have complications or problems- but I can tell you- without any doubt, this is the best thing I've ever done for myself, for my children, for my family, and for my own happiness.
 
Ok, just wanted to drop a quick update on everyone- OFF TO WALK ON LUNCH!!!
XOXXOXOXO

So just wanted to comment that yesterday I got on the scale and it was down a half pound and today a whole other pound.(Down 19 total in just over 3 weeks) I was shocked. I lost 17 really fast the first 8 days then I stopped for over a week. I am almost a month out and the scale finally gave in. I am noticing changes to. I am still on softies for another 2 weeks then I think I am released for regular food. I admit I have had regular food a couple times and just chewed the dickens outta it. I do have restriction, and I do get hungry, no where near what I used to but if I go too long between meals I can tell, but by 3-4 bites it is over. We are going camping for the holiday weekend and I am going to be naughty and have a cocktail. Prob something with crystal light. I have been really good with no carbonation. This is the longest I have been with out pop!!!. I don't really miss it, I am getting really sick of crystal light, need to find new flavors. I have done excellent with protein intake and make a smoothie every morning, mostly eating chick salad tuna salad soup and refried beans, getting more creative all the time. No complaints here, the annoying nagging voice in my head that always wanted to eat more has been very quiet, maybe I gave myself the reins for once and it seems to be working. SW 265 CW 246

so today I met with the nurse practitioner, and the results to basic blood work came in. Karen made me feel so comfortable as I was sweating bullets soo excited and nervous lol. Yet she blew me out of the water when she told me was has had the lap band for the last six years and was telling me the how her journey is and was.. come to find out she is thinking of transitioning from band to sleeve. She was able to answer my questions and was eager to get me started. The only down fall about today was finding out I have a thyroid issue .. I have a hypoactive thyroid and was given meds today bbblaaahhhh but I am a big believe in things gotta get worse before they get better .. and I don't out today that I miscalculated my weight and I am about 3lbs lighter then what I thought (= I was told I might be able to be sleeved around Christmas !! shesh soooo exciting ! im sorry for rambling but u can tell im excited lol .. ill be going to my first seminar Tuesday night.. hope u are all doing amazing !!

Well, I am basically 7 months post op. My weight loss has slowed down to about 10 pounds a month. It doesn't bother me as long as I continue to see results.
 
I haven't been super strict with my diet. I am on the go a lot and started relying on my bars and shakes a little too much I think. I need to start cooking more so I am in control of my food and get that dense protein in my diet. I think that would help me a lot.
 
Other than that things are well. I have no complications. My surgeon is happy with my progress and thinks that I will be very successful. I don't see him until my 1 yr. post op appointment. My blood pressure and resting heart rate is lower than his!!! I believe it is all the cardio sessions I do.
 
I continue to work out 5-6 days a week and feel awesome. On the days I feel I need a break I just take a break.
 
I don't feel the stress like I used to pre-op. The stresses of what I eat, when I eat, how many times I work out etc. I guess I just have faith in myself and this process. It is working, is continuing to work, and I am faithful that if I do the right things it will work in the future.
 
Thank you body for adjusting to this process and doing what you are supposed to be doing...LOSING WEIGHT!