Roo101769

Wow. I cannot believe I haven't blogged since surgery! I will blame it in the problems incurred from the switch over from the old site to new, but the truth is I have had a lot of emotions that have blocked me. I truly and honestly thought I was 100% ready and motivated for this surgery. Early out I held in there so well, being super careful to follow the plan to the letter. Heck I even had a lot of restriction early on, almost too much. But then it all changed. One day I realized I didn't feel the restriction I once had. I could eat more. I assume I healed and swelling went down and this is what I have, my new stomach. But I liked the post op one better, then one that couldn't hold as much. This one gets hungry. Hunger still feels the same post op, it just doesn't take the same amount of food to make hunger go away. I have learned the difference between what I feel like eating protein dense food, and what it feels like to eat junk. I wasn't going to be the person to mess back with junk, no not me!! Until the day I put that first bite of whatever it was in my mouth. My stomach didn't complain. I tolerated it. Flood gates opened back up. No, I haven't binged on a daily basis since I had my first slider food. But I have had entirely too many sliders since that occurred. It is only by the grace of God I have continued to lose weight, although slowly. To date I have lost 42 lbs in four months post op. I am just not one who posts the big numbers, for whatever reason. Maybe because I had lost a bit pre op, on my own diet. ( 33 lbs) Maybe I am just a slow loser. Or maybe , and yes I realize this is more likely than not, maybe it is because of my lack of conviction of late. Not only have I taken a walk on the slider side, I am also guilty of Couch Potato-itis. I have all kinds of ideas, plans to get up and get moving. But the end of the day I am not up, I am home sitting. I can blame it on a thousand different things.. I am a single mom (it is hard to make time with a 5yr old) I work 40+ hrs a week, I have other stuff to do etc. But the bottom line is I haven't done it. I need to exercise. At least part of me wants to. Yet I am a big lazy blob once the work day is over and I go home, take care of the dogs, and make supper. Weekends are only slightly better. At least one of the two days I spend hours running up and down stairs doing housework and laundry. The other day may or may not consist of watching tv. Occasionally we go do something...something. It has been a rather cruddy winter so I am ready to go outside and DO something, so is my daughter. There is a lot of outdoor activities I want to do this year as I have been unable to do them in years past with my weight, things I want to do with my daughter. But I also sort of worry I will cop out of that too, as I have done with each and every other thing I had planned to get myself moving. I just do no know what has caused this "ugh" factor in me. I was so darn pumped to get this surgery. I was so darn excited to lose the weight finally. Is it because I was have fantasies of returning to an "old" version of me? One that last hit one-derland in my twenties? I haven't been twenty in over twenty years, I can't go back! And let's not start on the toll the weight took on my body. I haven't been at my current weight in at least the past 17 years, but it is hard to enjoy it as much because of how bad I look. The decade of obesity has stretched the skin past its rebound point. I have rolls, just more deflated. My double chin is mostly gone but in its place are deep ridges no amount of facial exercise and firming cream is going to fix I fear. And my hair is....gone. As I have said many times over my situation is unique with other factors contributing to my hair loss. But dang....it is harder than I thought. I hate having to wear a wig, even if it does look good. And when the wig is off I absolutely cannot stand to see what is left. I look horrible. I look sick. It is so hard to stand and look at myself and enjoy what is happening (losing weight) when I cannot stand to look at my true self. Maybe that is why I stopped blogging. I am depressed. I am so hurt by what I allowed myself to become and now what it has done to my body. I can't go back, only forward. I still want to get the weight off. I want to reach goal, but I admit I am very scared. If I am so unhappy now (with my body) what will I feel when there is nothing left but sagging skin, wrinkles, a bald head and smaller clothes? Maybe some of my slider sabotage has been to stall that from coming. Maybe I am afraid I won't be happy when I am at goal, and then what? I have a lot to deal with, but then again who doesn't? I am going to try to blog more and hope I can talk my way through all of it. Sometimes just getting it out can be a first step. ( I hope)

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...

My PCP is the culprit of the delayed record share. I received a call back from them yesterday afternoon and the nurse told me they will be sending everything over tomorrow. (Friday) Apparently they have an outside company that comes in a couple times a month that handles these types of requests. She also said only one year of the two required is actually already in a computer file, therefore the earlier records have to be pulled manually. ( And scanned to be sent) To be honest it probably is not a lot of info. I did not have a lot of medical contact in 2012. So my surgeon's office will have everything they need from my PCP tomorrow. I hope the pulmonary evaluation report will be in too. It will be a week since the tests were ran. I may call the pulmonologists' office tomorrow to find out. So if they have all the records and needed clearances by tomorrow I am keeping my fingers ( and toes and eyes) crossed that they will submit them to insurance next week. That will probably be the most nerve wracking time, waiting to see if I am approved. Given I have a BMI in the 50s, (for several years) severe osteoarthritis in my knees, a history of DVTs and PEs and permanent vascular damage in my right leg I SHOULD be approved without problem. But there is a small nagging fear in the back of my mind that says I do not have the "big" co-morbidities of high blood pressure or diabetes. Those are two things that would pretty much guarantee approval with my insurance. I am scared to death that I have set myself on this path, I am determined it is my "salvation" of sorts, and that I could be denied and not get the surgery. That would devastate me to no end. I do not want my health to get worse. I do not want further damage done to my leg to the point I could actually lose it. (worst case scenario of course) I do not want to be the "fat mom" who is unable to be an active part in her child's life. My daughter already has to deal with the fact I am the "old" mom, at least I would like to be the active, highly energetic older mom who is not limited by her body! I have zero doubts that this is the path I need to be on. Yes, I have fear of major surgery. ( You would have to be pretty numb not to) But I have no reservations about what the sleeve means and how it will effect my life. I so hope I end 2013 starting my new life. Nothing else is acceptable now. It is now a waiting game. A very stressful, anxiety ridden, nail biting, difficult wait. My entire future depends on the outcome of the decision made by insurance. Some office flunky will have my life in their hands....

...and I just can't hide it! Just spoke with my surgeon's office. All of my paperwork and clearances have been received and she will be submitting it all to my insurance TOMORROW for approval!! The girl who does it is actually pretty cool and we have chatted a few times, so I don't think she is blowing smoke up my butt. She knows I am very excited so I hope she does follow through...Now I pray ( and yes- stress) for a quick approval. My fear and nerves may start to take over, so I just need to stay focused and positive. If I am this excited about this, imagine how I will be when I get approval!!!! I probably better bring a spare pair of pants with me to work for a while, I may need them!!! LMAO The timing could not be any better. I have been seriously struggling lately. I lost some of my momentum. Like everyone who struggles with weight I have been plagued with doubts and self sabotage. My will power has been turning to "won't" power. I have lost 20lbs since 8/1 and I am very happy and proud about that. But, without the surgery, I don't see much more coming off. I need the restriction. I need that extra "umphf" to get me past my head. I need the surgery. I am just so very, very happy my journey is moving in the right direction!!!

Rule #1 - Cardio
 
Walking is not wonderful. The only part I do like is getting outside and attempting to beat my previous time. Yesterday, I walked an 18 min. mile. That may not sound like much, but when I first started my mile was around 30 mins. - if I could do a mile. So, I am trying to follow the program and get better, and faster but I can’t say that I love every minute of it.
 
Walking is boring. If I could get away with it, I wouldn’t walk. Maybe if I could figure out some way to bring my computer with me on a walk I’d have a different attitude. And while some people are very adroit at using smart phones for everything, I tend to crash into cars, trees, and big rocks if I don’t concentrate on where I’m going.
 
I always try to walk with a buddy. That way there’s someone to talk to and hold me accountable for showing up. And, it’s a safety thing as well. If we happen upon a bear or wolf on the trail, I don’t have to worry about out running the bear. I only have to out run my buddy!
 
I’ve thought about getting one of the new exercise office desks. So I can stay in the house and walk. Basically it’s a treadmill with a desktop mounted where the controls are normally placed. I could walk and surf at the same time. But if history is any predictor of the future, it will just become another thousand dollar clothes hanger.
 
Running - I think it is one of my bucket list items. It would be nice to be able to run again. I don’t think I’ve ran more than a few steps since high school. Even then, I really couldn’t run more than a quarter mile, but even that distance seems like a pipe dream at this point.
 
So, I will only be running if someone or something that wants to eat me (and not in a nice way!) is chasing. And, let’s be honest, the evil thing will more than likely get me. Just like in Zombie Land – “The 1st to go were the fatties.”
 
That reminds me … I need to check my bathroom and make sure there are no zombie clowns waiting in ambush.
 
Keep Pimpin That Sleeve!

Sometimes it feels like I am doing the job of the office workers in my doctor's office! I realize that I am the one who wants this surgery. I am the one who wants things to move along as quickly as they can so that I can get to the place I need and want to be at. Yes, I am impatient. But I seriously wonder sometimes what would happen if I left things to happen when they happened. ( I would probably not like that answer) Take for example today. I have posted before that I have had a 4 week space where nothing has happened because I had to wait to get into a pulmonologist for clearance. It has been the LONGEST four weeks of my life in many ways. I feel like time has dragged by. I have wanted to do something to move this process along, but all I could do was wait. Well next Monday is the long awaited appointment. Even then it isn't "it", as this is only a consultation. Any tests will have to be scheduled and performed at a later time. ( Yes- I am going to push to try to get them scheduled next week) I decided that I would call my bariatric doctor's office to see where things stood on everything else. Basically find out if anything else needed done, was there any other clearance or paperwork I needed to have. First thing mentioned was my diet. This has gone round and round...It was once mistakenly said that I needed a 6 mos. diet before authorization. Well that information was incorrect. My insurance did clear it up with the lady in my surgeon's claims office, but apparently in is still notated in my chart somewhere. So once we got past that she said they still had not received my PCP letter of recommendation or last 2 years medical records. I was a little surprised. I saw my PCP on 8/28 for a check up on my leg. While I was there he asked if I had a surgery date scheduled yet. I said no, because of the pulmonary check. I also commented that was my last clearance, and that I hoped all my records and his letter had already been sent. Obviously the doctor has no idea what his staff does because he seemed like he was looking forward to me having this surgery too. ( in a weird way) Anyway, I called my PCPs office after speaking with the surgeon's office and left a message that they never got the records and letter. A few hours later the lady in the records office of my PCP called me back and said she had never received the request for the records or letter from Dayton Bariatrics!!! WTF?????She was very apologetic and said she would gladly send them over just as soon as she got the request and release I had signed and turned in back on 8/6. She even gave me her fax number so they could fax the request over and not have to wait for it to be mailed. I then called back the surgeon's office and relayed the information. She said she would get right on sending it over... So Wow. It is a good darn thing I am being so anal about this because who KNOWS what delays I might face if I didn't stay on top of it. I can only imagine now what I will probably go through once everything is ready to submit to my insurance. I would probably feel better if I could just do it myself!! LOL I know from all I have read on here that I am hardly the first person to go through this. I also know I am not the only patient any of my doctor's have in their practice. But if I did not stay on top of everything I am responsible for in my job, well I probably wouldn't have it for long. Oh well, lesson learned. I know what I have to do to get where I want to be.

I am in a pretty good mood right now. Have to admit I am one of those emotional rollercoaster types. Not that I am into drama or anything, I just feel things strongly. ( and often wear my emotions on my "sleeve"...LOL) You know it is bad when you shed tears watching really crazy things on tv and your four year old scolds you.."Mommy, you need to do something about all the crying". Hey, mommy is hormonal and emotional and changing her entire relationship with food after 43 years. I am entitled to a little random crying now and then. But I am getting away from the reason I am blogging today. As I have said several times I decided to start eating a diet similar to post surgery. Very high in protein, low in fat, calories and carbs. My thought process was I needed to make eating like this habit now, to make it easier on me later. I will be dealing with enough at that time, why compound it with trying to change everything I have ever done at the same time? So, as of August 1st I took on the challenge of changing my brain and how I relate to food. It has been hard at times, but not as bad as I had imagined. I guess the fact I am very focused on where I need to go makes it a little easier. IDK. Anyway, I work in a manufacturing plant and we have industrial scales used to weigh rolls of paper before shipping. They are calibrated often so I feel they are fairly accurate. I was unable to get on them August 1st because there were just too many guys around in the plant to do so. ( I am NOT ready to weigh in with an audience) So on August 2nd I was able to sneak on them with no one looking. I weighed 316lbs., which is my all time (non-pregnant) high weight. It is also the weight I had been when weighing at my doctor's, so again I feel it accurate. Well today was the first time I have been able to get on them again with no one around. I hopped on and it said 303lbs! I did a double take.. I have lost 13 lbs in 20 days!!! Whoop whoop. I am excited because I know it is getting my body to where it needs to be for an easier surgery and recovery. Of course I have already heard from a few people "well at that rate you won't need surgery". I just shake my head at their ignorance...LOL We all who have come to WLS know that is such a misconception. All this weight loss shows is just how fat I have become and how badly I have been eating. This 13lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket. Yet I am excited that I can see I am doing the right thing. I see I can do this. I see a light at the end of my tunnel. I have hope.

I wrote last week how I was changing how I eat now, to get used to what will be my new eating habits for the rest of my life. I have cut back calories, fat and carbs. I have limited any kind of sugar and little to no breads or dairy. I have increased my protein intake drastically with lean meats and soy products. I just made the change on August 1st, so I haven't been doing it even a week yet. Saturday was a true test. I had been invited to a birthday party at a restaurant weeks ago. I had three options; not go, go and eat whatever I wanted, ( because I have just started this new "diet" and it was my discretion) or go and maintain myself. I chose the latter option. Before I went I had gone online and searched nutritional information on their website. I found an item that, while still rather high in calories and fat for my normal consumption, was the lowest available on their menu. When I went to the party I made sure to avoid the bread basket brought with drinks. ( which was HARD) I ordered water to drink. ( I have yet to switch over to eating without drinking, that will be hard for me) And I ordered the item I had found. For my side item I got a salad with light dressing. Rather than dumping the dressing on the salad I dipped bites in. I used less than half the cup of dressing this way, and I know it saved calories. When my dinner came it was actually very yummy. I concentrated mostly on the protein, eating about 2/3rds of it. I did eat some of the pasta that came with it, but it was less than half. I stopped eating when I was full, and I did not bring the leftovers home! ( because I didn't need to consume the rest of the fat/calories) I did eat a few bites of the birthday cake. It was soooo good. But I savored the few small bites I had and left the majority of the slice on the plate. After dinner we went and played Adventure Golf where I sweated my butt off!! The course is built like you are going up a mountain, so there were a ton of stairs.. It was hard and my legs REALLY did not want to do it, but I played through the whole course. Yesterday I paid for it physically, but I am glad I did it. Today I had my gyno doctor appointment. When I was weighed I was 307lbs!!!!! Last time I was weighed I was 316lbs!!! Granted it was different scales so there could be some difference. But I know there is not a 9 lb difference. So what I am doing is working!!! I am so stoked... Anyone who has never had weight issues would probably think "well she can lose the weight, so why get surgery?" As anyone who has been in our shoes, and struggled to the point we turn to this surgery would know - when you are this fat it is easy to drop a few quick pounds. What is not easy is to lose all we need to be healthy and to be able to keep what we lose off.. So I am thrilled I am making a difference now, pre op. It will just make things easier down the road I truly believe!!!

Today is a bad day physically. My right leg is in a great deal of pain. My knee feels like it has an extremely tight band wrapped around it. I can barely bend it and walking is very difficult. And my calf is radiating pain down to my foot. ( vascular) Yesterday I felt pretty good overall and I was able to go grocery shopping. I spent extra time looking at things and reading labels, which kept me on my feet longer. So needless to say I am paying for it today. I do not fathom how people live with chronic pain for years. While my knee has been pretty bad for a few years now, it was manageable. I could stay off my leg, ice or apply heat and take meds to keep the pain down. But since I can no longer take my anti inflammatory medication ( due to taking warfarin) the pressure and pain has gotten out of control. And add to that my new pain from vascular swelling...It is more than I can take almost. I am at the end of my rope so to speak. If I do not get this weight off and get some relief I could very easily end up much worse off. I would either become a pill popper with pain meds ( I can take those, just not the stuff that will actually HELP my leg!) or a cripple. Neither is an option as a single parent of a four year old. That is my main reason for turning to bariatric surgery. I need it. I have so much empathy for those who have pain that there is no cure or treatment for. Losing weight won't "cure" me, but I have no doubt it will vastly improve my situation. On the plus side, I have been making changes I need to for success in my future. Yesterday I started eating a lot less, making sure it was full of protein while low in fat, calories and carbs. This is how life will be post op, so might as well get used to it now. And any weight loss I achieve from changing now is just a step closer to where I need to be!

Today is a bad day physically. My right leg is in a great deal of pain. My knee feels like it has an extremely tight band wrapped around it. I can barely bend it and walking is very difficult. And my calf is radiating pain down to my foot. ( vascular) Yesterday I felt pretty good overall and I was able to go grocery shopping. I spent extra time looking at things and reading labels, which kept me on my feet longer. So needless to say I am paying for it today. I do not fathom how people live with chronic pain for years. While my knee has been pretty bad for a few years now, it was manageable. I could stay off my leg, ice or apply heat and take meds to keep the pain down. But since I can no longer take my anti inflammatory medication ( due to taking warfarin) the pressure and pain has gotten out of control. And add to that my new pain from vascular swelling...It is more than I can take almost. I am at the end of my rope so to speak. If I do not get this weight off and get some relief I could very easily end up much worse off. I would either become a pill popper with pain meds ( I can take those, just not the stuff that will actually HELP my leg!) or a cripple. Neither is an option as a single parent of a four year old. That is my main reason for turning to bariatric surgery. I need it. I have so much empathy for those who have pain that there is no cure or treatment for. Losing weight won't "cure" me, but I have no doubt it will vastly improve my situation. On the plus side, I have been making changes I need to for success in my future. Yesterday I started eating a lot less, making sure it was full of protein while low in fat, calories and carbs. This is how life will be post op, so might as well get used to it now. And any weight loss I achieve from changing now is just a step closer to where I need to be!

Tonight is the bariatric seminar. It is mandatory to take to become a patient with the practice I have been referred to. I am very excited, I want to get this party started! I have to keep myself motivated, keep pushing forward. I am the kind of person who will give up all too quickly if I do not see progress. Not exactly a shining personality trait, but it is who I am. It explains a whole lot about my lifelong weight struggles. Also explains how so many of my "big ideas" have never panned out. But this time is different. I have to stay focused. I cannot give up just because things aren't going at the speed I want them to. There are many steps in the process that I have no control over and I must accept that. At the same time I am being little Miss Proactive and I am trying to speed things along as much as I can. My GP told me I would have to get clearances from all my doctors relating to my recent DVT/PE. I already went to the vascular doctor and got his blessing. I go to my hematologist on 8/6 for my post hospital check up, and I will get his clearance at the same time. My GP is already on board, although I am aware I will have to do a full physical. And during my research I read that some doctors prefer you have your pap tests / mammograms current. I went ahead and scheduled my pap for next month ( not really due until September) and will get the mammogram scheduled from there. Like I said, I am doing my part. I won't lie either, there is a financial motivation involved in all of this as well.. Since I had the issue with my leg, the hospitalization, the minor surgery to have an IVC filter placed, all the tests that go with being on blood thinners, and all the doctor visits stemming from it all...I have met my cap out of pocket amount through my insurance for the year. Therefore, if I can get the whole process approved and surgery done before the end of the year I will have little to no out of pocket expense. I am not fully motivated by this, but it is just another component of my decision. Might as well kill two birds with one stone! LOL But the idea of losing weight and feeling so much better in my body is the biggest draw of all. I long for a pain free day. It has been a while since that existed. It has gone from a minor irritant before this last DVT, to a daily chronic problem that I seriously have problems dealing with. I do not want to be a pain pill addict. I do not want to learn to live with chronic pain. I want to learn to live again, without pain and without the fat that is holding me back!