Erica2013

My name is Erica. I am having one of those down on me days and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with my surgery only 3 weeks out I guess everything that I have felt over the years is coming out as the big day is drawing near. I have always been the heavier kid in my family, it seems if one would be cursed I was the one. I have 5 brothers and all of them are 5'8"- 6'2"with maybe the highest weight being 195lbs....well I'm a whooping 5'3" (at my heaviest weight 212lbs) but now I'm 205lbs. Even my mother and Father aren't not as heavy as I am. My mom is maybe 140,dad 160!!!! Family pictures look rather odd when I'm in them, all the skinny people are around and here I am Ms. Chunky Butt. I dream of the day that my brothers would not look at their sister in such disgust and be happy to call me a sister. I have been called a lot of hurtful names in my life and my own family has hurt me with the words they use to describe me. My own brother recently said " Lord Erica how much bigger are you going to get?" I just played it off like it didn't hurt when deep down inside I wanted to scream in anger and ask God how did I lose control? Why was I the one to have to be this way? I started all kinds of diet plans to try to shed some pounds. I would do great the first 20lbs but then I would get stuck and never make it over my plateau. I could sit at the same weight for months if I were starving, running, taking diet pills on top of starving, I would never get over my hump. It got to the point that I just said I don't care anymore! But deep down inside I really did, I hated myself, I was jealous of all the skinnier people and I would imagine what it would feel like to be in a body that I was happy in. I was envious of people that could run faster, harder and further then me without getting so winded. I hate wearing clothes nothing fits right and it just doesn't make my build look any better. I like to think of myself as a BMW- BODY MADE WRONG! I get so disgusted with the image that I see in the mirror that I never look down. I imagine my body being smaller and my clothes not fitting so tight, that's how I make it through the day. I have the wheel power to do a diet just not enough to keep me accountable for when I hit that hump that I cant seem t get over. I want to have VSG surgery so that I can be happy and live a healthy life style. I really don't have a Great support system in my life but I can change that. I have my 2 God sent Beautiful children which my daughter also suffers from the same issues that I have, I marked the poor child to look just like me. She has my build and my weight........she is 15yrs old and since the day she was born I have begged God to please spare her of the hate that I have for myself. I pray daily that I will be a role model for my daughter so that she will look back and say my mom did what she had to do to live a happier healthier life....and I can too! I hope my healthier eating habits after the VSG surgery will rub off on my daughter and she will lose the weight she needs to and live a happier healthier life as well. Okay so that's my little description of my life in a small story. I will over come this fear of not being good enough and I will live a normal life and I will love me!!!!!!