OK, this is awful so don't read if you are easily offended and do not appreciate a sick sense of humor.
Warning! Don't read if you are easily offended!
Last Warning! Sick Humor below!!!!!
Shanked in prison... Shuts them up every time! - VSGKirk
Some idiot: What happened?
You: I had abdominal surgery.
Idiot: What kind?
You: The kind that involves the abdominal area. - newat52
Tijuana knife fight. - Kristina J.
I had some "woman issues " - chell1978
Texas mosquito bites
I was knifed by an exotic dancer in TJ.
Full contact scrapbooking injury...
When you get the weird look, you can fill in that scrapbooking is getting really intense now that scrappers are trying to make the hobby "athletic enough" for the Olympics.
Bears. But never mind my scar, you should check out my awesome new rug!
My wife said somtimes I don't know my place.
Tell them you are trying to avenge your father and ask if they have six fingers on their right hand.
Two words, "Satin sheets"
I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say, I won't be allowed in that Benihana for a while.
The first rule of Fight Club is 'don't talk about Fight Club'
They say you can't get blood from a stone - well, the IRS tried!
Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors?
I was watching the DIY network and they did a show on bodylifts...
A zombie tried to eat my brains and missed.
Tell them as much as you'd love to talk about it you just can't because your defense attorney and parole officer advised you to keep your mouth shut until after the trial.
I got this in a bar fight when I used to ride with Hells Angels.
That's where the aliens probed me
Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a to put on warning labels!
Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."
I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
I slipped while making a salad.
I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.
I'm a blade sharpness tester
"I had an accident with a scalpel." [person asks why] "Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er... this had nothing to do with it. Honest."
You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*... What was I talking about?
I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
"Oh, these?" *embarrassed face* "I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!"
"...Are you consipring aginast me? What's with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?" *and upon interrupting "I'm doing the talking here" and then continue to ramble until they back away. "...They'll come and get you too. Run while you still can"
Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible. Yes, they're nasty that way.
I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.
The voices told me to do it.
I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::
In my past life I was a ninja.
It sucks having parents who are sadists.
My boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.
Look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?
Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
Carving a turkey is harder than it looks
You want me to show you? smile evily
Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
Oh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
A reminder of my Pirating days....
My trained attack dragon did before I got him trained...
I had a duel.
Did you know chickens aren't all soft and fluffy?
Playing Slug Bug with a cat is a reaaally bad idea.
Oh this? *point at scar* That's where my twin used to be attached.
Lightsaber battle
I kicked Chuck Norris' ass all I got was this lousy scar!
Tell them you had to help Jack Bauer escape from the Russians and that's the last time you'll cover his pansy ass.
Narrowly escaped a zombie attack
Fell on the runway-it's Fashion Week
Rachel Ray's dog attacked me.
I just tell people it's a "sex wound."
My husband is ... just ... a WILD MAN, what can I say?
That's all folks!
Really, that's all there is.
No hablo the english? There isn't anymore. Stop scrolling!
Ok, okay, one last one.
It's where the alien burst out. What, you think they only come out of chests?
