Indigo1991

I have no contact with my mother. Took years to cut the tie but I arrived at a point when it was going to be her survival or mine - and I chose me. Limiting contact meant she behaved well for a little while but then the old "familiarity breeds contempt" kicked back in. Whose mum, when told you have severe, degenerative arthritis - that needs you to inject for life and take toxic combos just to walk - rolls her eyes saying "well, we all have something as we get older..." ? The same woman who declined to come to support me at my daughter's funeral saying it was too much for her... No wants gets love or respect based on a title, even that of mother. As with everyone else, you have to earn it.

Mistysj, I wish there was a button for "really like" your post!!!

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad They may not mean to, but they do They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you." Philip Larkin, a man who sounds like he'd met some of our mothers...

I followed my surgeon's plan too for three reasons - 1. He was the expert and had a track record that showed me he had helped others be successful whereas my efforts had got me nowhere other than fatter 2. I paid for my surgery and couldn't afford to waste my hard earned cash by mucking about with the plan and failing 3. I was desperate, at the end of the road and depressed so I wanted my surgery to work because I had nowhere left to go I knew that my stomach needed time to heal and that I might not feel it if I was causing damage when it was still numb - so you could add "scared" to the reasons why I didn't eat food before I was told. It's worked for me. My life is transformed and my only comment to the OP is stick with the plan, don't make life difficult by bringing old habits with you. The period on liquid, mushies etc is boring and feels like it will last a lifetime. But it doesn't. For me it was six tough weeks but it was six weeks that reinforced that life had changed dramatically and was going to keep changing. Use that time to start making changes otherwise why anyone would have surgery just to carry on eating as before,,,,

Kathy I am doing the party dance with you! Fantastic achievement and it's great to hear how happy you are with your new life. And it's good to see you getting on with life two years out - and being happy. How are you get to Celebrate the two year surgiversary??? Jacqui x

Great news! So happy for u :-))))

Beautiful girl! Congratulations on your anniversary and many more happy ones to come x

The description of melting is perfect. I am with deaddemmama, I am 53 and am delighted I will be around for a lot longer to come as a result of my weight loss. Wasn't planning streaking around neckid any time soon so will take the sagging and wobbly bits as the trade off. As Seela says, working out has helped a bit too... But my boobs will be redone next year because I have always wanted them to sit above my waist lol!!!!!

My cat was the same - I put a pillow on my lap and that kept both of us happy :-)

Have a big hug from me!!! You look better and feel thinner because you are both having lost all that weight. While the picture has knocked your confidence, it really isn't worth dwelling on- it is just something that captures a moment in time. It could so easily have got you a second before or after looking gorgeous and thinner, lol. Contrary to the old saying, cameras do lie. So don't let this blip set you back, chin up, you are more than half way there. In life, you are going to hit the highs and the lows, it's how you respond to them that matters. New you, time for a new response. So, step away from the food and look at what you have achieved to date - you are doing great, you are a success and if it helps, get your sis to take the pic down so you don't get pulled back. Please, don't beat yourself up any more, today is a new day so a chance to get back on track. You can do this.... x

I would only add one word to your description of the love we all have for our children, Laura, and that is "unconditional". Everything my mother gave me was conditional, including her love. So cruel, so controlling. And it's why I ended up such a screw up. But strangely the one area in my life that has escaped from that is me as a mum because I learned what not to do from my mother. My son's relationship with me is the opposite of what I had with my mum. It's what gives me hope that I am capable of overcoming the rest of the sh1t. As for hugs, what's to stop us all meeting up in 2014 and having a pals get together :-)

Agree with others, you may be desperate to see results but take a big breath in - and breathe out. It took time to put the weight on but it's likely to come off quicker once you start to lose. You are not failing, you are just getting started on a new road. Your body is in shock, it's just come through major surgery and it's probably got excess Fluid to lose before it starts burning fat like PdxMan told you. This is a marathon not a sprint so relax, concentrate on getting your Protein and fluids in, keep moving - and don't stress! The amount of weight loss by the people offering advice to you is phenomenal - and you will be joining them soon. As Indecision says, it's up to you to make this work - all i would add is that you have to work with your sleeve and by sticking to the programme you will get results. Hang in there, it will happen :-)

Congratulations, you have a whole person in weight! I agree with every word you say. - work with your sleeve and it will work for you. Have a brilliant Christmas, 2014 is going to be another milestone year for you :-)))))

You look gorgeous! And brave for being upfront about this. My hair started falling out at 3 months and is still going at 7 months. Because I had loads of hair to start with, it's only got bad in the last month. I use Toppik and it helps. Have also had it cut shorter and I can cope with it for now. But have been looking into a salon here that specialises in female hair loss and provides inserts to fill gaps and thicken hair. Trying to stay sanguine, being skinny and bald is still marginally preferable to being fat with hair, lol!

Laura, you are none of the things you said you are. You are brave, strong, compassionate and occasionally vulnerable - and that scares you. That makes you human. Like the rest of us. And when I am scared I do the thing I know how to do really well - attack. And if I am the person in my own firing line, so be it. Not many of us have been particularly kind to ourselves. Losing weight "fixes" the physical but we still have the mental and emotional baggage. And sometimes we are downright cruel the way we speak to ourselves in our heads. But in a forum like this, something amazing happens. We see in each other the good things that we might not be able to recognise in ourselves. And we are happy to offer support to someone else in a way we might not be able to do for ourselves. marywithoutspund, any time you want to PM me, feel free. Our mothers sound like sisters!!!! And you're not a lurker any more, you are a poster :-)))) Thank you all. We are not alone x

GG, don't think u r the delusional type... I wonder if those of us who had less than ideal early lives could exert control over food in a way we couldn't do with other aspects of our lives? I spent a lifetime rewarding myself by eating and I question whether I was doing it because it was the only thing my mum couldn't control? Would certainly explain the secret eating....I have always felt I ate to fill an indescribable hole in me but no matter how much I stuffed in, it was never filled. Still much to understand but great to be saying it people who understand. Have spent many years keeping secrets out if misguided loyalty. Don't feel the need to do that as the new me

Omg, tmi but made laugh! It's the simple things that seem to give us greatest pleasure. Or maybe I should rephrase that ???? ha ha!

Revs, you are not so bad yourself x

Btb, my sister has been slim all her life despite having the same upbringing and eating badly. At one stage, she had to eat a family size bar of chocolate a day over and above her meals to keep her weight up!!! Who knows why this happens. But I was a worrier, she wasn't and I think stress plays a big part in how our bodies deal with food. I am now thinner than her, but she's tickled by that. We are both survivors and we stick together, which our mother hates....

Great thread, been reading, thinking and reflecting on where I sit on all of this. Seems there's more that draws us together than just our weight. I blame no one for the problems I experienced as an adult. I chose to eat the way I did, I was morbidly obese because I blindly filled my face, bad food choices, compulsive eating. None of this was done out of ignorance of the consequences. But my childhood and upbringing were what set me off on this path, although it has taken me years for me to understand that. My sleeve has allowed me to get off the frantic food merrygoround and completely take the focus off food (by limiting my intake and ability to eat badly). In doing that, it's allowed my brain to start processing things that I have pushed away for years by self-medicating with food. Boy, that's been painful. Whilst I have been happier in the last 7 months than I think I have ever been in my life, I have also cried more. Not because of what's been happening around me but because of what is going on inside my head as the realisation of what I have done to myself over the years - and why - has dawned on me. My mother was mentally abusive. And overweight. And she wanted me in her image. Which is what she got because I was so screwed up by her behaviour which focused on breaking every person close to her. But I fought against that once I had children and used my experiences to ensure that as a mother, I was everything my mum wasn't. Looking at my son, I am so proud that I haven't visited the sins of the mother on him; he's confident, happy and loving, a genuinely good man. I am still untangling myself inside. It really helps that I now look at myself and for the first time ever say I love me, not just how I look but for the positive energy I feel. I truly believe I have a future that can be happy. But sad that it has taken me 52 years to get there and that's when I cry because I have less time ahead of me than behind me to live it to the full....but I will! My sister said to me recently that we have turned out pretty good despite our upbringing. It's the first time we have even acknowledged what happened to us. That gives me hope too. It also makes me feel less alone, I didn't imagine it, I wasn't weak turning to food for the comfort I didn't get elsewhere but I am now owning my life. It's good and getting better. Thanks Revs, complicated and complex area... Still thinking it over....

Congratulations, Branmuffin, it will just get better and better! I can now get a bath towel round me almost twice - and every time I do that, I do the happy dance. But watch out for that, the towel can also now fall down, lol....

People's reactions say more about them than us... My good friends are delighted for me and have been so supportive. But a couple have shown themselves up. One, who has always gone on about her weight when she is like a stick insect, has quietly been picking at me for weeks. Low level but nippy comments that I chose to ignore. Until last week. She started the usual "gosh, should you lose any more weight, you are looking drawn and sooooo tired" at which point I snapped and said "well thanks, that's made me feel a whole lot better!" Her jaw dropped as I went on to tell her that she should be supporting me not bringing me down... She immediately apologised and the matter was over. I saw her again on Sunday. Unprompted she complimented me on how well I was looking and that she loved my sweater. Whatever her reason for it, we have now got past a sticky time in our relationship. Sometimes you need to turn the other cheek - but there are times you need to stand up and say enough. A real friend will understand why.

I am not in the US so can't offer the kind of help everyone has been giving you re your meds. But you are not a loser (ok, you might be weepy but that's understandable!), from your other posts you're a strong woman who's now caught between a rock and a hard place. Hope you can resolve this, we are there with you x

And I am not nearly so exhausted trying to control everything, feel like I have stepped out of a three ring circus for the first time in years

Where does being a control freak sit with being a compulsive eater? I have always felt the two have gone together for me. I don't mean a control freak as in someone who likes to be in charge, I mean as in always trying to ensure the "right" outcome whatever the scenario and being angryand/ or devestated if I couldn't do that. But I couldn't exert that degree of control or influence over my eating. Think the more I ate compulsively, the more my control freakery ratcheted up... Maybe not surprisingly since my sleeve, I feel more relaxed about everything, less of a nippy sweetie. People have commented on my more "laissez faire" attitude about everything and I don't have the voice in my head telling me to fix everything any more... Mad, eh???!!!!