LyndseyD

Thank you again to all those who have been supportive. Please understand, we do not yet even have the autopsy (oh my gosh, I fing HATE that word!) results yet. I have no answers really. That leads to some pretty intense ups and downs for me personally. One minute I can deal with all that has happened, and the next someone says something stupid and I just loose my cool. An you know what? I'm not sorry, not even a little. Stupid coments will get the wrath of my anger, its a good outlet for me right now. You think you can hurt me any more than the hurt I have already from loosing my BEST FRIEND, My big sister, my only sibling... the hurt I feel from knowing that I am alone... I have the weight of my entire family on my shoulders now... if you think for a second you can make it any worse- bring it. I need to get out some of my frustration anway. I understand my previous reply to her nasty comment was removed so there was no trace of her comment- I get that. I just feel like you all need to see all of the emotions though. The ups of celebrating falling into the "normal BMI" and the downs of just how bad this all hurts. I feel like if I let everyone see through my eyes you are better prepared for the choice your making. Someone asked if I knew before the surgery what happened was going to happen would I still do it. In short no. My family lives in constant fear for me and my life will forever be lived in the shadow of my sisters death. It sucks. It sucks so bad. I had so many plans for the future and now that I have been slapped in the face with the reality that tomorrow really may never come I find it so hard to even daydream about the future. I wanted to have another baby... but my parents are so scared that becase I've had this surgery that it will kill me and they'll be alone. Can I really do that to them? Can I really have a child my sister will never meet? Can I bring my baby to the cenetary to meet her, and how will I be able to tell that baby how much I know she would have loved it? I wanted to renew my wedding vows to my husband, but my sister was my matron of honor in my wedding- how can I stand up there without her? How can I plan a wedding without her? this is my life now. like it or not, its my life.... and I'm just trying all I can to live everyday to make my big sister proud!

wait- why was MY comment removed? So, let me get this right, this chick can come here and belittle me, and make light of what happend to my family, and when I stand up for myself you delete my comment?! Really. Thanks "big Brother" good looking out... her comment stayed for days, typical. Thanks for the "support". I guess we should all take note that its ok to taunt those hurting, but don't dare stand up for yourself! bye ya'll.Thanks to those that have been suppoortive, but I don't need this in my life right now. I came here to stand up for my sister, to try to help others making choices and decisions we all had to make. I had no intention of scaring anyone but if I did, good! It IS a scary decision, it IS a life and death decision... if what happened to my sister scared you then so be it. Good luck to those with a heart, and to those that have been supportive I really do thank you. To those who have not, well I really pray you dont have to live through what I am living with everyday. I hope one day in the future when you do loose someone who means the world to you (because like it or not, eventyally we ALL DIE!) that you remember how you treated me... and I hope your heart hurts so bad so you know what I have been dealing with.

Thank you all. As for what he did to make it so hard for her to get help: long story short he decided that there was nothing wrong with her and it was all in her head, and because doctors work on the "good old boy" system, they stopped looking. Finally, someone found that there WAS indeed a problem and she was just in the beginning process to get it fixed, she just didn't make it long enough. Its really sad because we do have all the same doctors... everything was identical. Her surgery was just two weeks before mine. Its been a huge source of guilt and saddness for me because we should be on this journey together. I should have been celebrating these new SIZE EIGHT! jeans with my big sister.. but now I don't even celebrate the milestones... its just another day... As for how I am doing. I started at 255, got down to 150 new years day, and because I have started doing a 30 day ab challenge I am back to 152, but I think that 2 lbs is definatly lactic acid and fluids... because my abs hurt so bad!! But, I hope to tone up now that I am in my goal of size 8 jeans. I think I might actually get down to a size six before its all said and done because I wanted to get into the 130's for my weight, so I think if I loose that last 13 lbs to get to 139 that might drop me into a six. I am fine with that... I dont celebrate like I should, because I am so alone. It was just me and my sister. I have a husband, and wonderful parents (who watch everything I do like a hawk because they're scared to death that something is going to happen to me now) but my sister and I did this together... she is supposed to be here to do all this with me... I miss her.

I thought I would come in and update you all here. We have made it through the first set of Holidays without her. It was hard. It is still so hard. But-we're staying strong as a family and working through this together. Thank you to all those thinking and praying for our family. We still have no answers regarding what happened. We're told it will be 90days from the time of autopsy. Its been about 60 now.

BKLYNgal87: you are right. I wasn't trying to "scare off" anyone. I just wanted to be her voice. How are the people who don't make it supposed to be heard if we don't speak for them? Also, yes it does feel like Amanda Nicole Hosaflook is brushing off what happened by what she said.. that hurt. It may be rare but she was MY SISTER!!! Amanda Nicole Hosaflook-how fing rare does it feel? let me tell you, not even a little when it happens to your family. All the studies in the world don't change how raw this pain in my heart is, how much it hurts to know that my big sister, my only sibling, is gone. How much it sucked to try to have a normal thanksgiving when she was the cook in the family? do you even have feelings? Really? dont you DARE jump my case about "scaring people off" by sharing her TRUE story... just as you have the right to jump on here and start trivializing my family's experience, I have the right to share her story and encourage people to make smart decisions and be educated about what your doing to your body, and the choice your making.

To those that are saying "if you have no quality of life, its worth the risk" I beg of you to think of your families that you could leave behind. My sister was in so much pain from her knees and the doctors told her that they wouldn't help her unless she lost weight, but because of her pain she really couldn't loose it on her own. So, she had the surgery. I think if she knew she was going to die she would have rather lived in that much pain just to have the chance to watch her kids grow up... I know she would have. Think of what you could leave behind... make sure THATS worth the risk.... Honestly, as susccessful as I have been, I do wish I hadn't done it. It WASN"T worth the risk. I thank God everyday that I am safe and healthy, but I live everyday with the guilt that she needed the surgery to live comfortable, and died.

Not all doctors do the swallow test, but its standard procedure for our doctor. Thank you all for understanding about me not disclosing who our hospitals were... we're waiting for the report from the medical examiner (yes there was an autopsy, but let me just say I HATE that word... sounds so cold...) but we live in a big city and chances are it will be several months before we know anything. The waiting is miserable.

THank you all again for your kind thoughts, prayers, and support. I would love to tell you all which hospitals (yes there were more than one!) let her fall through the cracks, but at this time, because of possible legal issues I should probably keep that information back unitl we decide as a family if we're going to persue this legally. I will say, one thing that happened to her right after the surgery is she had to have a swallow test (I did also, standard procedure for our doctor) and the radiologist who did the test forced her to drink way more than she should have, and she got very sick immediatly. I think this is where her problems started, and spiraled out of control from there. So, if they ask you to do a swallow test, and you feel too full, or it hurts, stand up for yourself and do not let them pressure you into taking in more than you can handle. As a patient you have to be you own advocate.

Thank you all for your kind replys and personal messages. We have gotten super close as a family through all this, and we are loving our kids (mine and hers) with all we have. We are so blessed to have family to lean on in this time, but I do want to take the time to share her story (and mine) to bring awareness to the reality of this big choice so many make each year.

We do not have her "cause of death" at this time. We live in a big city and it could be months before we know the exact cause.

my start weight was 255, and 6 months + 1 week later I am down to 160. I stalled the first time around 4.5 months at 174, broke that and have recently stalled at 160. My goal is to be in the 130's (I really don't care if its 139.9 but I want to be in the 130's). From what I have been told there are some tricks on maintaining your weight, but that you need to worry less about that and more about making sure what you do eat is fuel for your body. Make your calories count! Thats my best advise.

I eat salad all the time 3.5 month out now been eating salad since about 2 months out

I was 255 pre-op, 5'6" Surgery was 05-08-13 I was 189.0lbs today!

for me it was about 3 weeks out. I did have a setback at 10 days I was re-admitted for pancreatitis, but they were never sure if it was surgery related. After week three I kinda felt like a person again. Also, I could join my family for dinner at the table (we're big on eating as a family so being left out of that was hard) and eat some things at that point.

started my journey the first week of February, had surgery May 8th its a lot of stuff to do, but make a check list and keep on truckin!