Flutterby

I'm Tammy (or Flutterby - the original name for a butterfly... )

I'm 45 yrs old, 5'8" tall. I weigh 295 lbs. My BMI is at 44.8. My first goal is 170 lbs. Ultimate goal is 137 lbs.

I've struggled with my weight since my second child was born about 23 years ago. I tend to gain weight all over. Well, except my bust area (strange). However, in the last several years I have gained more in my belly. I look like I'm about eight months pregnant... Uggghh! Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and I adore being a mother, but I’m not having any more children and I’m ready to be able to lose all MY baby fat. The baby fat may have stayed with me, but I added a whole person’s weight to it. I need to lose half of my weight – a whole person’s worth. Only those who have been here understand how much that realization can hurt and disgust me.

I have tried to lose weight by diet, exercise, supplements and programs just like so many others here. From Slim Fast, Cabbage Soup Diet, Herbal Life, fasting up to two weeks at a time,, Atkins, Low Calorie, Juicing Diets, Wheat Belly Diet, Gluten Free Diet, Gaps Diet, Hallelujah Diet, Mediterranean diet, Paleo Diet, HydroxiCut, Green Tea, many herbal supplements, OTC aids, a short span on prescription diet meds and thyroid medication and using vinegar as a diet aid. As I think about it, losing weight been a driving desire/force in my life since I turned 23. The endless weight loss/exercise and health-related books and internet ideas and “snake oil” type cures, well I’ve researched and attempted many of those as well.

I've tried exercise alone, or in combination with diet plans. I've used 10 to 12 different exercise videos both aerobic and weight lifting combined with aerobics, walking, swimming, biking, stationary machines, free weights, machines like elliptical, treadmill, stationary bikes, etc.

My results were sporadic and frustrating. I could stay with a weight loss or "get healthy" plan for months, sometimes even three years at a time but when I failed to lose weight at all or stalled with 10 or 15 pounds loss with hard work and high cost to sustain, I would slowly go back to eating my "normal diet". “Going back to my old ways” basically meant 70% healthy choices and still incorporating something new I learned, but I would stop resisting the dessert, the chips and dip, the popcorn with butter. I think the "extras" and "snacks" are one of my biggest weaknesses. I’ve also noticed in the last few months that I really do eat big portions especially when alone. I keep cooking for a big family and it’s only me and my teenage daughter at home to eat right now.

No matter what, my weight has continued to climb the last 23 years. I get so sick of my failure to be able to control it or change it. Several times I have resigned myself to being fat. But as I got bigger and older, other things started happening to my health and I realized how much it affected my family and my ability to actually live life like I longed to.

I kept thinking there had to be a "key" or a certain combination of things that would magically get my health back under control and I'd start losing weight. I had a sleep study done and found out I had severe obstructive sleep apnea. I was full of hope that using a CPAP would solve my problems because obviously I wasn't sleeping well with meant I wasn't getting proper rest. This in turn, I thought, surely meant it affected my metabolism and maybe perpetuated the problems with my weight.


I considered that since I started gaining excess weight when my first marriage got emotionally and mentally and sexually abusive I might have been trying to be less desirable to protect myself from my husband at the time. I just wanted to be safe. I could write out that long story here, but suffice to say I got out of the marriage finally, after 16 years.

What is frustrating is that even the strength and self esteem and “new lease on life” I gained by getting out of that marriage didn’t translate into the weight loss I should have or wanted to have and continued to try to have.

So, was my weight gain or inability to lose it initially due to the stress of the bad marriage that involved sexual abuses? Maybe, maybe not. More likely it was also genetics and environmental (how I was raised nutritionally). Both my parents are obese and have struggled most of their adult lives trying to lose weight and now dealing with health problems related to being overweight.

However I got here, I’m here. And I am so thankful and grateful that things have worked out for me to have this surgery. It’s such an answer to prayer and a dream come true. Honestly, I want this personally, but doing it for my family is a super-close second!

One thing I am appreciative of is that over the years, I've probably learned enough about nutrition, vitamins, food, feeding a body, metabolism, weight gain concepts, healthy living and very interesting discoveries about foods like kefir, kombucha, cultured foods, coconut oil, barley green, apple cider vinegar, good water, food supplements, and the benefits of grass fed beef, range fed chickens & their eggs, and home grown vegetables to write my own book. However, since I’m having weight loss surgery – I doubt it would be deemed worthy claiming all that contributing to my health. It’s sad, but true. True because all these things didn't “work” to help me lose weight. However, I do believe with all my heart that all I have learned will continue to be super valuable to feed my body right after I’m sleeved!


My mantra has been, “If I don’t put myself first for once and lose the weight and get healthy, how can I be what my family needs me to be?” How can I truly give and serve and support and enjoy in my marriage and our children’s lives unless I first take care of me? Initially weight loss surgery can seem selfish and irresponsible. Only initially! In all truth, it is smart and right for me because it is what lines up with my vision of my future. Yes, it's for me too and in a big way! I want to look as beautiful on the outside as I know I am on the inside. I actually do like myself a lot and think I have a lot to give and I believe I am a sweet, funny, loving person. But, my weight has made me hide inside and socially because I felt embarrassed and ashamed of not being able to be healthy or fit when I looked in the mirror.

As much as I believe any person of any size can be beautiful and wonderful inside and out, I still see an overweight person as unhealthy and I know they must be experiencing pain over it in some way or another (physically, emotionally, financially, relationally, mentally)- or they will eventually. To me, seeing them hurts me.

I can't look at them (or myself) without feeling sorry for them. Because I know what I feel like. So, I don't want people feeling that way when they look at me. It makes me feel ugly and not worthy. Even though my head knows the "right" things - my heart and emotions still feel what they feel.