belladona

Just barely but I’m there. This is a term I learned from hanging out on various online forums. Onderland. That magic place when your weight starts with the number 1.
I have to say, it’s less exciting for me than for some others because I didn’t start that much above it, and only had to lose 30 lbs to get there, but it’s a nice, mini-milestone.
But here’s another way to look at it, and this does indeed excite me. Today, I have lost a third of the excess weight I need to lose. A third of the way there! Now that’s something to celebrate.
It’s also a good way to know that the surgery is working, or rather than I am working it. Once I came off the stall, I seem to have lost .4 lbs, .2 lbs, .6 lbs, but it’s still a wonderful downward trend, and I think I’ll take it!

Rule #1 - Cardio
 
Walking is not wonderful. The only part I do like is getting outside and attempting to beat my previous time. Yesterday, I walked an 18 min. mile. That may not sound like much, but when I first started my mile was around 30 mins. - if I could do a mile. So, I am trying to follow the program and get better, and faster but I can’t say that I love every minute of it.
 
Walking is boring. If I could get away with it, I wouldn’t walk. Maybe if I could figure out some way to bring my computer with me on a walk I’d have a different attitude. And while some people are very adroit at using smart phones for everything, I tend to crash into cars, trees, and big rocks if I don’t concentrate on where I’m going.
 
I always try to walk with a buddy. That way there’s someone to talk to and hold me accountable for showing up. And, it’s a safety thing as well. If we happen upon a bear or wolf on the trail, I don’t have to worry about out running the bear. I only have to out run my buddy!
 
I’ve thought about getting one of the new exercise office desks. So I can stay in the house and walk. Basically it’s a treadmill with a desktop mounted where the controls are normally placed. I could walk and surf at the same time. But if history is any predictor of the future, it will just become another thousand dollar clothes hanger.
 
Running - I think it is one of my bucket list items. It would be nice to be able to run again. I don’t think I’ve ran more than a few steps since high school. Even then, I really couldn’t run more than a quarter mile, but even that distance seems like a pipe dream at this point.
 
So, I will only be running if someone or something that wants to eat me (and not in a nice way!) is chasing. And, let’s be honest, the evil thing will more than likely get me. Just like in Zombie Land – “The 1st to go were the fatties.”
 
That reminds me … I need to check my bathroom and make sure there are no zombie clowns waiting in ambush.
 
Keep Pimpin That Sleeve!

I feel like a different part of my brain has been activated over the last few weeks. Look at how much we all have to learn to prepare for this surgery. When was the last time you used the words "pyloric valve" in polite conversation, on a regular basis?
 
Eight weeks ago, I didn't realize I would be a "sleever", a "post-op" a "full liquids" stage. I was just me, loving life, my job, my husband, my kids, and reading Sci-Fi if I wanted to learn new words (China Mieville, anyone?)
 
Unfortunately, today I also know things like "sliders", "pre-op cheating", "slow loser", "stall", "head hunger", "weight re-gain", "falling off the wagon". And now, these words I've never used before have become imbued with emotions, with meaning--and another way to judge myself and others. Now these words are emotion-laden, and I have to work to make them rational. Now, if I'm not careful, I will categorize myself by these words and find another way in which I could be seen to have failed. For someone who is as motivated as am I by the fear of failure, now these can be new weapons.
 
Unless I refuse to let that happen.
 
Unless I say to myself and those around me, that everyday that I stick to the plan is a successful day. That everyday I veer off the plan is an opportunity presented to me to triumph the next day. That this is my new life, and I intend to live it, enjoy it, succeed at it, and let the Universe unfold the way it should.
 
So I will try not to throw out the old, happy life I had, and live instead by one where I can succeed or fail daily based on an outcome I may not be able to control--like when I stall, or what I lose. I can only control what I do, and that part, I know how to live by that.

I was truly surprised to see the calorie difference between 4oz. of 93% hamburger and 85% hamburger. Almost 110 calories per 4oz.!
 
Even though the 93% costs about $1 per lb more, I've noticed that, after cooking, the amount of cooked hamburger is almost the same between the two. There's so much shrinkage, that they are pretty much the same in cost in the end. So I think I'll spend the extra dollar per pound and save 110 calories.
 
 
 
I thought it might be enlightening to grab some common calorie counts for ground beef, chicken and turkey and compare them side-by-side.
 
Click on the pics to enlarge them.
 



 
 
Standard Disclaimer: This is by no means the definitive numbers for these products. The numbers vary depending on the manufacturer. These numbers are presented to make you aware of the differences in calorie counts and fat content.
 
You can find much more specific details by manufacturer or by food group by searching this database:
http://caloriecount....oods&searchpro=
 
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A little over 6 months post op and I can feel some unusual things happening.
 
I am starting to think like a thin person. It was a slow, gradual change for me. What I mean when I am starting to think like a thin person is that I no longer dwell on things that I ate that wasn't in my perfect vision of my "diet". Pre-surgery (actually a few months even after surgery), if I ate something that wasn't on my envisioned list of allowed foods, then I would just get all emotional about it. I would dwell on it. I would have it in my head that I messed up and I was a failure. I would allow one "naughty" food to dictate my entire days' worth of eating. It was a form of sabotage, and it would set me into a cycle. I would eat, get depressed, and feel like a failure and then eat again.
 
Slowly, but surely I began to allow myself to eat things that weren't on my perfect diet list. I found that even on those days when I had something like crackers or something else that I didn't think would help my weight loss I still lost weight. Some times I even found that it helped my weight loss when I was in a stall. Other times it helped my work outs progress.
 
I guess what I am trying to say is that I ate something naughty and found out that my world didn't end. I didn't gain weight over night, I didn't look in the mirror and see an extra roll of fat, and other people didn't look at me and see that I "cheated".
 
Slowly over time, my mind started to grasp this concept and started transforming. I feel a lot better about food. I don't rely on it as much. I am not afraid of it as much. All these emotions are not tied up to it as much. If one day I have a craving that I just can't shake, like m&ms...I have a few. The difference is I have a FEW and not the whole bag. I savor the taste and then move on. One little craving doesn't end up costing me days and eventually months of over eating and unhealthy eating.
As a fat person, I was so hung up on food. Every thought of my day was tied to food. Am I over eating? Was that too much weight? Is this too much carbs?
 
As a fat losing person, I eat normally. If I feel I might have eaten a little too much I just try to balance it out by moving more throughout the day.
 
I think I am finally finding some balance. My anxiety has come down a whole lot now that I am not constantly obsessing over every aspect of food or eating.

The night before surgery....I kept myself busy and finally at 11 dropped from exhaustion.....and slept like a baby until the alarm went off at 4 a.m. I was in the OR, getting prepped for surgery, asked for something for nausea in my IV, we had a few laughs, and the next thing I know, I'm happily waking up in recovery...
 
My eye sight was blurry for hours after the surgery....and as soon as they let me, I walked...blurry eye sight or not.....the fear of gas pain was my motivator, I walked as often and as far as they'd let me....and continued walking every hour starting the 1st day after surgery.
 
When I was finally in a room (long delay), I felt utterly helpless and useless....like a beetle on its back.
 
I'm not a fan of pain killers......don't experience pain like most people....I only took something late at night (not sure I needed it, but thought it couldn't hurt and sleep was important.)
 
Morning came early, and the first thing I did was pee and walk...I don't think people knew what to make of me walking at 5:30 in the morning, so I just smiled and said good morning.....had the dreaded leak test this morning (wasn't so bad)....found it.hard to sip my liquids today, but wasn't too worried because I'm hooked to an IV......they are giving me prilosec in my IV, and I've never had nausea.
 
I am sore, but not in any real pain. The only pain is when I breath in deep. The biggest problem I'm facing is high blood pressure.....it's all over the map.....so they are giving me something for that.....6 hours later we finally see a break.
 
Day 2.....time to go home! Yeeha! so sick of being hooked up to an IV and having my pee measured and BP taken LOL The first thing I do is get up for my early morning walk.........and surprised how much easier it is to get up and out of that bed....wow! They give me another dose for my blood pressure.....will have my blood pressure checked on Monday with my PCP...may have to go on blood pressure medicine until some of this weight is gone (I've never been on BP meds before)
 
I was dreading the self injections.....did that this morning, and it wasn't so bad.
 
UPDATE: I did have a drain, and that for a brief second or two hat was some intense pain when it was take out---but again, very brief.
 
I haven't experienced the gas pains yet....hoping all that walking worked it out....but I'm still walking.....
 
I've experienced my restriction...took one little sip too many and felt it.....luckily it was a tiny sip and went away quickly.
UPDATED: this pain I'm experiencing is a spasm, not a restriction....will try warm liquids and see how it goes.
 
Now that I'm home, my arms are killing me.....I figure one is from the IV....no idea about the other....my IV was in my hand, and my hand is a little swollen and sore.
 
I was told the priority and goal in the next few days is to get down the isopure (1/2 bottle mixed with water).....finding it difficult, but I sip as much as I can (I found in the hospital juice and broth went down much easier LOL)
 
I haven't gained weight from the hospital (yet anyway) but I am swollen around the mid section.
 
Right now I'm feeling rather fortunate....have not had a WTH did I do moment. I'm so thankful to have a wonderful man by my side for support.
 
The things I packed that I used....a pillow (only for the ride home)....a maxidress w/o anything at the waist was great for going home with a cami underneath...a note pad/pen for notes/questions for when the doctor came in...my own tooth brush/paste, hiar brush, eye glass case, and my cell phone to check in with VST and for my email.
 
I know this is just the first step in a life long journey, but rather than anxious as I have been, I'm looking forward to the ride.....

At work on Wednesday they fed us lunch and I couldn't resist the free food. I had a single serving of pototo chips (160 calories) and 1/2 of a big cookie that came with the meal. If I hadn't already eaten earlier I wouldn't have felt so bad about it.
 
So I tried to make up for it by walking an extra mile the same day.
 
Sometimes the temptation is there, it's hard to make the best food choices, but I don't think I went too far overboard. I woke up 2 lbs lighter this morning.
 
You have any tips to avoid temptation?

I found one of my trigger foods. It's spaghetti or more specifically pasta. My mom made some homemade spaghetti on Sunday (homemade as in, homemade from a jar, you know, the same line of thought as Olive Garden treats you like family). Really, Olive Garden treats you like family, I don't recall my mom ever presenting a bill at the end of a meal. But I digress.
 
Any way, I took the leftovers home with me. For supper, I ate my normal portion, and a few minutes later wanted another portion - even though my stomach was telling me I was stuffed to the top. I wanted it so bad that I would have cage wrestled a bear for another bowl.
 
It wasn't easy, but I stopped myself. The hardest part - and I can't believe it was so difficult to do - was to throw out the spaghetti. I kept telling myself that I could space out the spaghetti into several meals during the week. But, I knew if I left it in the house, I'd find some way to convince myself to eat more that eventing. There is a dog that trots through my yard daily, so he may be going into insulin shock today!
 
Only 1 other time have I wanted to eat something so bad - it was a banana laying in the fruit bowl. So adios spaghetti noodles, I'll eat you at mom's house, but you won't be coming home with me anymore.

It is time for me to set some new goals. I am half way through the ones I have already set and I am finding the most important aspect of all of this for me is not the scale, but my fitness level. I absolutely love the fact that I can stay on the stair mill longer than the thin people next to me. I love that I am always in the gym with all the regulars. I relish in the the fact that my cardiovascular fitness is soon to pass my husbands....bwuahahahahah (evil laugh).
 
I was working my biceps the other day and in the mirror I noticed a new definition in my forearm. I have never in my life seen that!
 
Just to recap: These are the goals I have accomplished
1. Get under 300 pounds
2. Get under 250 pounds
3. Weigh less than when I was preggo (230 lbs)
4. Be able to do a straight hour of moderate/intense cardio sesh
5. engagement ring fits again! (its tight, but it goes on)
 
Yet to accomplish:
1. Fit wedding ring again
2. Get under 200 pounds
3. run a mile in under 14 minutes
4. reach goal weight
5. Get below 25% body fat percentage
 
NEW GOALS
1. Sign up for a 5k (I have signed up just not done it yet...its in November)
2. Do a marathon next year (I have a year and a half to get this extra weight off and train for that)
3. Hike the stair master in Hawaii
4. Do a 10 mile hike
5. Go parasailing
I have many fitness goals...I think this is what motivates me

I almost finished my first one without stopping, it was so good. The chocolate shakes deserve 2 thumbs up in a Z formation!
 
Very good taste, no grittiness. I like them better than the EAS chocolate carb control shakes. Although I do wish both brands were a little thicker.
 
I've tried Muscle Milk, EAS, Pure Soy and Premier Protein chocolate shakes and Premier Protein has been the best for flavor and smoothness. Very yummy, almost as good as chocolate milk.
 
Price wise, they are a little more expensive than EAS. EAS are 4 for $5 at Walmart. Premier Protien was 12 for $19 at Sam's Club (my Walmart didn't carry Premier).
 
But as good as Premier tastes, I will won't mind paying a little more. I only wish Sam's had the Premier Protein bars as well - but they were sold out. Maybe next trip.
 

I jogged for the first time today since last Sept. It felt SO good. It was immensely easier without the extra 50 lbs and I was hardly out of breathe. I feel so strong and powerful. I jogged 2 miles without stopping then walked the rest of the half mile home to cool down. Dear Husband bought the XBox work out program for me and it was fun to 'play' last night - especially with the boys cheering me on. I'm going to work on these flabby abs and arms and also try yoga to get more flexible. (Was a gymnast in another lifetime ions ago.) My legs are looking awesome and my husband is all about my 'new' body!
 
I'm down 31 since surgery, 50 since heaviest, only 2 lbs away from a huge, exciting mile stone - 200! I can't wait to be less than that tormenting number. I can't remember the last time I was below 200.
 
Going to a get-together with work friends in two days. They haven't seen me yet, so a bit nervous/excited. Don't have a clue what I'll wear. I want to go shopping, but I'm afraid this flabby belly will keep in a huge size.
 
I feel so optimistic for my future. My diabetes is basically GONE! The MS is behaving. I'm enjoying exercising again and I'm dealing with the food monster just fine. I'm going to recreate my body into what it should have been all these years. Life is good.

I don't know about you, but the 2 most important work rules I know of are:
 
1. Don't take another man's tools without asking first.
2. Don't F with another man's food.
 
Violating either rule can put you in dire jeopardy of losing blood, skin, hair or at the very least, finding a nasty surprise in your lunch kit the next day.
 
But my current workplace is a bit looser about those rules - being that it's mainly ladies and has more of a community atmosphere compared to the construction sites I worked in the past. So it's not uncommon to find that your friends have raided the fridge and at least part of your lunch was donated to the cause.
 
It was one of those serendipitous moments yesterday that I learned exactly how to protect my food in the community fridge. My director had stashed a piece of Italian Cream cake in the fridge - leftover from the previous day's birthday celebrations - in between two balloon print paper plates.
 
The top plate had a simple message printed in bold black Sharpie on it,
 
"Please do not eat me."
"P.S. I already licked it!" - Kyle
 
Pure genius!
 
Have you any tips on how to protect your food/stuff/things from being "borrowed"?

Holy **** once I went back to work life got busy.
 
Anyway, I'm one of the lucky ones, I guess; over one week of pre-op diet, first week and second week post-op I lost 30 pounds. Which is amazing and I am still a little flabbergasted. Now, sadly, all that loss has caught up to me in the form of THE STALL.
 
I've been between 235-236 for several days now (like maybe 5), but keeping patient. I did, after all, just lose 30 lbs in three weeks. I've been telling myself I might lose inches instead and reading the forums like crazy for morale, but every time I try on that stubborn pair of size 18 jeans they are still a little too tight. :[
 
HOWEVER:
 
Work is taking us to Six Flags as a reward for being awesome last year, and I currently have nothing to wear to a theme park, so on my lunch break I dropped in to Lane Bryant to see what I could see in the clearance section. And lo, shining brilliantly on the rack, a pair of size 18 capri... jegging... things... hung in brightest red. And I did take them from the rack, and did carry them into the changing stall on the off chance they might fit. And there in the changing stall I discovered two things.
 
One! My current work pants are a size 22 where I had unfortunately convinced myself they were a size twenty, which makes it retroactively depressing that they were pretty tight for a while.
 
TWO! The capri-jegging-things FIT ME BEAUTIFULLY.
 
aaand since I got them on the clearance rack and found $10 cash in my purse, only $10 came out of my checking account. Stall be damned, I won today :3

I was going to type "I woke up this morning thinking..."
 
But, no. I woke up this morning to a giant thunderstorm after two hours of sleep, angry at the world. I drove an hour to work in the driving rain and had to stop and scramble for doctor-approved protein shakes at the grocery store so I could eat ("eat") at work. When I got to work fifty loud teenagers were babbling in the breakfast hall, three people needed transportation, and so on. So it was only after I finally got to run back, sit in my office and turn on some ridiculous cheesy "meditation" piano music that I cleared my head and I thought:
 
Today is the last day I have my whole, I-got-born-with-it stomach.
 
And that's cool by me. Goodbye, 75% of my stomach. We've had some okay times, particularly downing way more alcohol than we ever should have in the 18-21 years and getting stuffed full of all kinds of delicious things that were probably mostly butter and sugar painted to look like something edible. I'd say it's been a good run, but actually, now wearing clothes bums me out and my leg joints hurt a lot.
 
So I think it's time we part ways. Goodbye, regular stomach; I'm trading you in for a bionic model. Helloooo, staple line~

We spend a lot of our time focusing on eating the right foods, finding healthy recipes, and taking the right vitamins. These are very important parts of the weight loss process, but we also need to make sure we are incorporating the right exercise program into our lives. While some people already have an exercise program that works well for them, if you are one of those people who does not, hopefully this will provide some helpful information about starting a program or improving an existing exercise program.
One of the questions that I am frequently asked is “what kind of exercises should I be doing?” In picking the right exercise routine it is important to remember that while the same exercise plan may not be appropriate for everyone, there are some fundamental principles that everyone should be working on in order to get the most out of their workouts.
Principle 1: Set aside some dedicated time for exercise.
Many of us do a lot of walking as part of our job or part of our daily routine. While being active is great, there is a difference between exercising and being active. In order to get the most out of your exercise time you need to set aside some sacred time designed just for your exercise. As a general rule of thumb this should be 30 minutes a day, 3 to 4 times a week. If you can do more than that, fantastic, but everyone should be aiming for at least 30 minutes every other day. You can choose to exercise alone, or with a group. Some people love to exercise with their family, some with a good friend, or some prefer to use their exercise time as personal time. Whatever your preference, make sure it is a regular routine that you can count on as part of your life.
Principle 2: Mix it up
Great athletes have repeatedly shown that the key to a successful exercise program is variety. The body adapts over time to the same exercises and routines. Over time muscle memory kicks in, and the body gets less out of a repeated exercise unless you mix up your workouts and introduce some new work outs as well. A good routine should incorporate some cardiovascular exercises, and some weight exercises. Make sure you work all your major muscle groups. Your cardiovascular exercises can be as simple as strenuous walking, jogging, running, elliptical training, swimming, dancing, or bicycling. The weight exercises can involve weight lifting, push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups or crunches, or resistance bands. Find the combination that works for you. You can choose to do both cardio and weights in the same workout, or you can separate them to different days. If you are just starting out I recommend a day of cardio followed by a day of weights. When you do weights, don’t make the mistake of working every muscle group in the same work out. Do chest and shoulders one day, thighs and buttocks another. The one exception I recommend to this would be to incorporate a short abdominal routine with most of your workouts. The body’s core muscles which include the abs and back muscles are able to recover quicker than other muscle groups, and once you have gotten use to exercising them on a regular basis you will notice less back pain, and improved performance in your other exercises.
Principle 3: Keep track of your progress
As you get used to your exercise routine, you will notice it becomes easier, and may become too easy. That is the time to bump it up to the next level. That can involve increasing your time or distance if you are working on cardio, or increasing your weight if you are working on weights. Keeping a record of your progress will not only motivate you, but will also help you identify the workouts that work best for you. By keeping track of your progress you will be more likely to try to continually improve your workouts rather than fall into the rut of continuing an exercise that is not sufficiently challenging your body.
Principle 4: Have fun
Find a routine that you enjoy. Exercise does not have to be a painful or dreaded part of your day; on the contrary it should be a part of the day you look forward to. If you are not enjoying the exercise you are doing, look for a different one. It is very difficult to maintain a program long term if you do not enjoy it.
 
We have a lot of resources available to help if you need suggestions or examples of routines. Come by the gym at Foundation and talk with the trainers to get some additional workout ideas. We can also help you arrange a fitness evaluation to help determine your ideal heart rate during your exercise. While this isn’t a comprehensive guide to fitness, I hope it helps if you are looking for some direction on getting started.

I am almost at my one year mark. I really can not believe how much I have accomplished!! I am so much stronger, wiser and in control. Not only with my eating but with my life as a whole. My confidence is through the roof, my whole outlook on life and the way I approach life is different. Who knew taking control over my eating, would not only improve my health, but my life?!
 
I wish a year form now, this feeling stays the same. I wish all the good habits that I have picked up during this first year, will stay with me forever.

On May 17th I will hit the 5 month mark on my weightloss journey. I've officially lost 63 lbs since surgery, made it into Onderland (at last), experienced the dreaded stall, had my pants fall off because they were simply too big (I call it the Pants on the Ground Phenomena), cursed my scale which I swear was broken for a month, had my rings fall off my hand, gotten tons of great compliments, rediscovered mirrors, stopped hiding behind people in pictures, flown on Southwest planes where people actually chose the seat next to me even though there were many others open, been ushered out of the plus sizes section at a department store by a well meaning sales lady who thought I was lost, started wearing high heels again, eaten too much too fast and puked, gotten very drunk off of very little alcohol, learned how much I love solid proteins, started exercising again, and have started reaching out to old friends as part of my reconnection plan - which was part of my New Years resolution. My life is 100% happier. I cannot imagine NOT having this surgery. I look forward to what lies ahead, and I although I expect that I will be cursing my scale again at some point, I have faith that the remaining 73 lbs will be worked off in time. In many ways, I've restarted my life at age 40!

We made it to the circus last night and I am happy to announce, no one stepped in elephant poop! (Thank the good Lord above for that) The kids had such a
 
great time, it was a really good show! I haven't been to the circus in many years, it was great to see the reaction on my children's faces when they saw the
 
many wonders of the circus world! Its moments like these that we live for.
 
 
Speaking of moments like these, today was the first of many baseball games for my kids! My oldest son played his very first baseball game today! I know this
 
may not seem like that big of deal to some. I actually cried! (laugh it off, its ok ... go ahead and laugh, I'll wait) My oldest son when he was only 3
 
years old was diagnosed with autism. He didn't talk much before the age of 6 years, to say the least we have come a long way! Here he is 12 years old and
 
one of the most amazing kids you would ever meet, believe me I am not just saying that because he is mine. He played an amazing basketball season helping
 
his team come into 2nd place out of the whole season (missing first place by 1 game). I had to talk him into trying baseball, I thought it would be a good
 
way for him to spend his extra time during the spring, and it might help him unwind from basketball. Since 2 minutes after his last basketball game he has
 
been dying to play again.
 
 
My family is very complicated, my children are a lot of work. That was the nice way of saying, my kids are out of control! It is very rare I will take all
 
four children some place without my husbands help, and the same for him. Each of the kids have sensory issues and it can really be a very stressful event to
 
do on your own. Today my sons first game was going to be at 9am and it was a half hour away! He needs to be there by 8:30. My husband has to work at 8 am.
 
So this means? I am doing this alone! My mother did take the youngest which was a big help, I took the twins with me. I found out during basketball season
 
that dum dums will keep them still and quiet, however you do pay for it since if my son has a half a gram of sugar he will bounce for at LEAST 3 hours! The
 
next best option is Nintendo DS! I set them up with that, me up with my camera and it was peaceful! During the second inning my son, my pride and joy, my
 
Trevor came up to the plate to bat! I was so excited and scared for him. I thought to myself "oh God, what if he misses?" just then the pitcher threw his
 
first ball, "STRIKE!" I said a little prayer "Dear Lord above, please, please for all that is holy let this boy hit that ball just once today!" I saw my son
 
(5 foot 11 inches, 195 pound power house) step into the batters box again and he raised his bat, perfect stance! Here comes the pitch.... and CRACK! There
 
goes the ball!!! I stood to my feet, screamed and yelled and literally cried like a baby! (the tears are coming back as I re-live this event now) every fan
 
sitting there cheered for MY boy! At least 4 or 5 mothers came to me during and after the game to express how amazed they were by his hit! MY son is amazing!
 
 
Tomorrow we begin our t-ball season with the twins. I can hardly wait!! My daughter is very devoted to baseball. She spent over 2 hours hitting off the tee
 
without direction the other day. When I asked her what she was up to her response was "duh, I'm working on my swing mom!" As for Ethan, her twin brother, he
 
would rather be playing in the dirt and that is where I expect to see him most of the game tomorrow. I can hardly wait!
 
 
Now for a quick update on myself. Ive had a lot of heart to heart talks with my husband about my surgery, my journey and I have come to realize that he is
 
my biggest and strongest rock! I will do all of this with grace as long as I have him by my side. I have one really awesome, amazing, and loving man for a
 
husband! And together, we got this! Today Aunt Flo visits, which is so crappy since yesterday my scale read 300.0 which I know 100% without a doubt today it
 
would have been 299! Since I started my period, I wont even breathe in the direction of my scale for the next 3 days. Sigh - the joys of being a woman! On
 
that note, I am going to hop off from here and go make up some yummy bbq for my family.. going to have grilled chicken, I myself am skipping the pasta salad
 
and going to go green instead, then I have a really yummy sugar free strawberry cheesecake cobbler to enjoy after! Bring on the warm beautiful weather.
 
 
I love my family, I wouldn't be anything without them, and Im coming to realize, they wouldn't be much without me either... self worth, turns out that's
 
pretty important!

I believe anyone that has 85% of their stomach removed will lose weight. You can't help but lose, if you are limited to 4oz of food every few hours.
 
Now the big question is, where is your hunger coming from? Only you can figure that part out. Is it from emotional eating, boredome, stress, or is it because you have hunger pangs caused by the hormone ghrelin?
 
From my own experience, I knew that my hunger was real (even though I had eaten 2 hours earlier, I'd be hungry again). It wasn't until I talked to my surgeon that he told me that I had an excess of the hormone ghrelin (produced by the stomach). The bigger the stomach, the more of the hormone produced.
 
The surgery stopped my hunger pangs. I have not had that nagging sense of hunger (other than my stomach growling) since surgery 7 weeks ago. And 4 or 5 oz of food keeps me satisfied, whereas before, I could eat 1 lb of steak and know I'd be raiding the fridge in 2 hours.
 
And I don't have any cravings anymore for certain flavors. Whereas before, I'd think about something that would taste good and I couldn't get the thought out of my head until I ate it - and a lot of it, not just a small portion.
 
Don't get me wrong, you can sabotage yourself after surgery. There are foods, called slider foods, that are calorie dense (ice cream, peanut butter) that pass through the stomach quickly, so it's possible to eat more. And it is possible to just graze all day on snacks that are high in calories.
 
The sleeve gave me the control over my eating that I needed. When I eat, I have full control of what I eat. I can pass on the donuts or just have 1 and be satisfied. With the exception of pasta - it triggers my sugar cravings. So I have to be real careful about eating it.
 
But I don't know if I'd the same success if my hunger was tied to my emotions instead of hormones.
 
I really believe food was an addiction - one you can't quit and never touch again.
 
Other addictions can be quit and never touched again. But what if a heroine addict, smoker or alcoholic knew they had to take some every day or their body would die?
 
What if they had 75 TV channels that ran commericals for cigarrets every 10 minutes during their favorite programs? Or had reality programs (like the best places to pig out or the food challenges) devoted to the best places to get their fix and showed people taking drugs and loving it? Could the addicts just reduce the amount they took every day and never over do it or would they give in to the nagging voice in their head telling them how good it was going to feel?
 
Ok, rant over. :-)

So this is my first blog ever.
I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.

Ok here we go!! My sugery is two weeks from today and I am starting my own version of the Pre-Op diet!! If anyone has read my previous entries you will know that I decided to start cutting stuff back and out since the day my surgery was booked (April 1, 2013).
 
For the last two weeks I have been carb free and in dietary ketosis… so this week I have decided to go clear liquids only throughout the day, and one sensible low carb low fat protein rich meal for dinner – it will be chicken or fish with a low carb vegetable. Day 1, 12:24… I am FREAKING HUNGRY!! However, I am going to withstand this physical discomfort because I know that on the flip side, it will be gone.
 
Why am I torturing myself you may ask? Because I feel that the challenge I will face following my surgery will be as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I want to learn now, over the next 14 days how much protein my body needs, and when, along with the various other nutrient requirements (Multi Vit, Calcium,D, B12).
 
My resolve is not to feel unwell or weak the first couple of weeks following my surgery, but moreover; to not panic and start climbing the walls because there is nothing solid going into my body.
 
I hope it works. So far, the gradual decrease has been working for me. I feel physically stable, and mentally empowered. I have lost 18 lbs this year, and 39 since my top weight.
 
Neither refined sugar nor caffeine call the shots anymore so now I tackle ghrelin – I hope it knows the strong stubborn b***h its up against.
 
In other news, my sister will now be coming with me to Juarez and I am super excited. She is as silly as me and I think we will have a ball.
 
My bf/ ex bf?? whatever he is now... has not been home since Monday. We have talked and “made up” so to speak. I don’t believe there was any affair or any of the sort going on... because I know exactly where he stayed (and with whom). However, to get in a snit and not come home or check in for a couple of days after a fight, is extremely childish and disrespectful - especially for a man in his 40s!!!.
 
My feeling at this point is that he is waiting for me to ask him to come home. That’s not happening. I love the man, but I am far to old for this crap, and I have a wonderful son to think about.
 
And really, if I can get over Chocolate, I can get over Justin! :Þ

How long has it been? How long since I felt like I was the right size and weight and everything about my body was acceptable?
 
And, bigger question... Where did this bloated, waddling, unhealthy, wide loaded woman come from that keeps showing up in my mirror and in pictures that get taken with my family?
 
Looking in the mirror is so hard, especially in the evenings when I'm getting ready for bed and seeing "all my glory" and realizing I really am as big and ugly fat and tired looking as I feel. Arrrrggghhh!
 
Is that really me? How did I let myself get to this point? I sit in a dressing room, my cute little teenage daughter (13) trying on adorable trendy little outfits and dresses. I see her spin and pose as she gets in a pink princess thing. She walks back in to try another one on. I'm sitting on a bench holding several hangers of other dresses and feeling tired, again. I look over at the mirror and see myself and I lose it. I cry and almost start sobbing right then and there. It hurts so bad. I used to look like her and I thought I was fat. Is that what doomed me to this? Was it because I didn't thank God for how I looked then? Did I take it for granted?
 
 
Honestly, I have thought I was fat from eighth grade (5'7", 130 lbs) when I began to get taller and a little wider in the hips than my little petite and pretty and girly classmates. That's the same age as my youngest daughter. I already hear occasional little comments she makes of herself and things that are not just perfect. I want to make her see how beautiful she is and embrace it!
 
When I look back at pictures from that time in my life (high school years), I wanna go back and slap her (myself) silly for not appreciating how pretty I was. I really had such an adorable figure. No, I didn't have much in the way of boobs, but I had curves in other "right places." I got attention from boys. I looked great and was tall and thin really, until I had my second child at 22.
 
In all truth, I know a lot of the explanations and reasons that I am in this place physically. I know there are a variety of things to blame from four pregnancies, perhaps a few medical causes, nutritionally bad choices, laziness, pain, bad marriage, stress, genetics, environment, and probably a few I haven't read about or dealt with yet.
 
Now in the last three years I come to the point where I have these little break downs like in the dressing rooms multiple times, or getting ready for a night out or to go to church and just sit in my closet and cry and hate myself. I've done it getting out of bed (rather, heaving myself out). Mentally being in a state of fury at my limitations that I know are self-imposed when I try to help my daughter move out of her college apartment and I can't even carry a 15 pound box down a flight of stairs without having to rest 10 minutes and huff and puff like I ran a mile.
 
This place is my "low point"... my "end of the rope". I'm at the bottom and exhausted enough to finally admit I need MAJOR HELP. And THAT is what brought me to WLS and specifically VSG.
 
There is a change in my focus that has helped me transition slowly, day by day from disgust with where I let my weight go and my new found hope and belief in myself I have begun to feed little by little with that hope. I can do this... I can do this... I really can be healthy and fit again. There is a tool I can use that I never really considered. Thanks to where I am in my life, the fact that we have good insurance through my husband's job and the support and encouragement he has showered on me constantly... I'm ready.
 
I'm feeling that by this time next year, I'll be looking in mirrors and pictures and saying "WOW, I knew that pretty girl was still in there somewhere under all the fat."

I had my sleeve done on March 30, 2013. This is my story so far… even though I feel like I am eating like a bird, my weight loss has come to a halt! I am upping the exercise a bit to see if that helps. The lack of weight loss is frustrating, however, I am fitting into smaller clothes! It is the best decision I have ever made regarding my health. At first I felt very sad - I missed chewing - doesn't that sound weird? But then after a few weeks I was allowed to have soft foods and the desire to chew up some meat was fulfilled! Now I find that I don't even really enjoy food - it is a chore to figure out what I want to eat. I make sure I get my protein drink in each day and a V8 along with the vitamins and calcium citrate; the rest is just filler. Nothing tastes as good as it used to before the surgery. If this keeps up, it will be a breeze to lose more and keep it off for life!
Food was my best friend that I turned to whenever I needed to calm myself, soothe my mind, celebrate an occasion, and so on. The surgery has severed this relationship - it's been like losing a friend that I depended on for moral support. But now I realize that food was not my friend – it was a crutch that was bringing me down – not holding me up. I am learning new ways to cope with life – it is wonderful. I think anyone who has struggled with weight should consider this surgery. The recovery is painless and the scars are minimal. I can’t wait to uncover the thin person that is inside this chubby body – what a treat that will be! Good luck to all!!

Met this guy online and we finally decided to go out the weekend before last. I told him about my surgery up front, so that he can understand what's going on with me. We met for coffee, but ended up going out to eat. He first said that we should go to the Mexican place next door, but then changed his mind and said there was a healthier place we can go eat at. I told him he didn't have to decide on a place that's healthier just because of me. Honestly, I really wanted Mexican food badly. LOL We ended up going to this pita sandwich place. It wasn't bad at all. The sandwich I got was under 300 calories. I opted to get the grilled chicken breast to make sure I got a good amount of protein out of it. I was only able to eat half of the sandwich. This sleeve is really hard to get used to, mentally that is.
 
This last weekend, he took me out for breakfast. I had a spinich and cheese omelet. I declinced the toast, but went ahead and let them give me the hashbrowns, but didn't eat them. I ate only half the omelet. Gave me bad stomach pains. I'm thinking I must not have chewed it well enough. The restaurant is owened by this older couple and the lady asked me if I wanted a to go box, but gave me a horrible look when she asked. I so wanted to tell her that the food was really good, I just couldn't eat very much, but I don't think she would have understood.
 
After breakfast, we went to a park and walked around. It was nice to be around someone who is so understanding and suggests that we do things that he knows is not only healthy for me, but also for himself.
 
I really wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again, but that was mostly because I wasn't sure if men would understand my situation. I am glad that I did find someone who is being supportive and understanding. Can't wait to see where the next date goes....

Starting this blog with the day before surgery. No food or water after midnight Tuesday, 16th. I took a mild laxative early on the 16th, too, thinking a flush would make this easier on me. I followed hospital instructions. Change the sheets. Check. Shower. Check. Then wash with the hibiclens, avoiding head and genitalia, and using hands only - no wash cloth. Leave on skin for 5 minutes, then rinse. Check. No lotions. Check. No contact with pets. Check.
 
Surgery Day. i showered using the hibiclens again. I worked 1/2 a day. Surgery was in the afternoon and went like clockwork. I arrived on time, got set up in Pre-op, and was wheeled into OR. My last memory before I fell asleep was the digital clock. 1:59:38. Surgery set for 2 pm. Perfect. I awoke feeling deep ache pain high up on my tummy, just under my breasts and in a very small localized area. I was aware of a couple of other tender places on my tummy, but they didn't bother me like the one high up. I kept saying, "Pain.... nausea. ... Pain... Nausea..." over and over, figuring if I was a nuisance, they'd knock me out again. The fact is, the pain was probably a 7 in a tiny spot. The nausea was about a 3... Hardly there, but I knew it would get worse before it got better and I don't handle nausea with grace. They shot me up with pain and nausea drugs and I stopped mumbling and slept, still aware of the ache, but it wasn't as intense.
 
I was in my private room by 5 pm... Maybe even 4? I'm not sure. The nurse was all over me wanting to make sure I was comfortable, offering me morphine (I can't take Vicodin, their standard pain-killer issue) and Zofran (nix the Phenergan, too...allergic). I eagerly accepted her offer. Not really nauseous, but aware that it was lurking close by. My voice was cracked from intubation. No sore throat. But my mouth was dried out and I offered $1,000 for ONE ice chip. Nope. IV hydration/nutrition given. NPO until the next morning's upper GI test. My sweet husband wouldn't crater to my begging for just one little ice chip either. He did break down and wet a wash cloth so I could wipe out the inside of my mouth. My Pre-Op Nurse had this same surgery 14 months ago and said her hubby did that for her, so my hubby decided it was ok to cheat that much. He stayed with me all night long making sure no mistakes were made. (We've experienced enough errors in hospitals in the past to KNOW one should NEVER be left alone in a hospital. They need someone to champion them). I slept on my back all night long, which felt weird, since I'm a side sleeper. No-way was I going to roll over on my sore tummy. At 3 am, I stood up and walked to the bathroom - with the nurse, of course, and I peed. First two hurdles done! Walk and Pee!
 
Day 2. Early morning, whisked off to do the upper GI. This is to check to make sure there are no leaks. They warned me that the barium i was about to swallow tastes really bad. They had a cute little barf bag handy and said, "you might need to throw up, so, take this." I was determined to NOT need to throw up. I told myself, this is going to taste bad. It will only last a few minutes and I can rinse out my mouth. Yeah, I can do this. I'm tough! I had to stand on a pedestal and drink the most Gawd-awful swill known to man while they xrayed it going down my newly designed pipe. I thought breathing through my mouth would make it easier. It made it worse. What did it taste like? The only word I can come up with is BITTER. Not sour, not fragrant. Just BITTER. To the eleventh degree. I was given water, which I gargled with, but hesitated to swallow, since I already had about six big gulps of the swill churning inside me. Nauseous? Yeah. But, I can handle it! No leaks, so I was taken back to my room. As I sat up to stand and get out of my wheelchair, the nausea went BAM! "Give me the bag." I lost that battle. But, it didn't hurt as bad as I feared. My tummy just felt a little sore. And all I did was dry-heave, so it was very brief. Ok! I CAN. handle this! I was given more Zofran and morphine and a BIG cup of soft ice. Ah, heaven! I wasn't interested at all in eating, but the ice was great to melt in my mouth.
 
A few minutes later, a tray was brought in with chicken broth, orange jello, and decaf tea. The hospital has a nurse that rounds all the weight-loss surgical patients and she sat with me and showed me exactly how much I was to "sip" SLOWLY in a fifteen minute period. Which meant I had to pace myself and be sipping every 5 minutes on something. I actually thought it was fun! (What do I know... I was drunk.)
 
I tolerated feeding very well, being cautious to not gulp. I did notice that if I swallowed too much too close together, I'd feel a twinge in my sternum that would say, hey, slow down or I'm going to start spasming. I'm learning to pay closer attention to my body and her signals. I've decided to give my body her own identity. Her name is Ethyl. Ethyl has no idea WHY I'm so mean to her.
 
The second morning was a lot of sipping and napping and walking around the unit. I was discharged and home in my own bed by 2 pm. Exactly 24 hours after surgery started. I like it when everything is done efficiently. I already had a wide variety of clear liquid choices, so I sipped on chicken broth, decaf tea, and sugar-free Popsicles. I walked the length of my house about three times. And napped a lot. I took my Ultram and Zofran pills on time (pain and nausea) because they told me to. "Don't be a hero." OK!
 
Sleep was interrupted frequently with Ethyl barking at me. Especially when I would try to roll over on my side. I learned to try to sneak side-rolling past her by doing it slowly and with a pillow supporting my tummy. It worked. End of Day 2. 7 lbs gone.
 
Day 3. Lost another lb. 8 total. At 2 am, I had my last pain and nausea pills. I'm done with them. Back to sleep. I awoke at 7 am, put on my yoga pants, t-shirt and sweater, grabbed the leash and took our dog for a walk around the block, sipping on a bottle of water as we walked. It was 38 degrees outside, so we only did one block and came back in. I started my Full Liquid diet. I had my tea. Missing the caffeine. Throbbing headache. And sinus drainage. Nothing to do with the surgery, yet a welcomed distraction from Ethyl's whining. I made a pitcher full of Double-milk. 1 cup skim milk mixed with 1/3 cup of dry non-fat milk. Double milk = double protein intake. And foods made with it taste richer. I made instant grits with it. They were really creamy and... Well... FUNKY tasting. I'll have to work on that.
 
I went on a shopping outing with my sister for about an hour, and found my legs feeling wobbly when we got home. i did well, but obviously need to lay low and quiet. I've been active enough today. I was told to go outside on Day 3. Check.
 
I mixed 1/2 can of Campbell's Cream of Chicken with Herbs with 1/2 can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom With Garlic soups and 3/4 cup of Double milk. Heated it up and poured it into a deep mug. Not only did it taste pretty good, it also tricked Ethyl into thinking I had chewed up a whole meal! I just sipped on it slowly over a couple of hours, intermittently sipping on water, too. Score! Ethyl didn't know the difference! I also had SF vanilla pudding and tomato soup, along with some of a protein drink. Everything was tolerated very well. I just have to be careful to not take in too much, too Fast. If I do, I cramp. And, walking around makes it subside faster. End of Day 3. Another 2 lbs gone. 10 total.
 
Day 4. Lost another 3 lbs. 13 total. Wow! How can I drop THREE pounds in 10 hours?!? I checked again. Yep! Three pounds! I awoke feeling like I've had a setback. Guess Ethyl didn't like all the activity yesterday. It's noon and I'm still in bed only sipping tea. I need to go make some soup. The caffeine-withdrawal headache isn't as bad today. Time to walk. I feel lousy. Nothing specific. Just weak... Disjointed... And bummed that my adrenaline high is gone. I'm weepy. Broccoli Cheese soup mixed with double milk and heated. Peach tea. I need to cut myself some slack. I'm still on track and the intermittent blues are to be expected. No significant pain. Nausea totally gone. Today will be a Still and Quiet day.