sharonintx

Hey all...
 
Wow time has really flown by!
I can't believe how long it has been since i have updated my little blog here. I am sorry I have been so busy and distracted.
 
Well for my numbers! I am 10 weeks out and have lost 62lb! I have gone from a 47BMI to a 37BMI. I am very happy with my results. I don't think I would call my self a supper fast looser, but I am keeping it steady. Other thank a 3 weeks stall somewhere in the middle, I have been loosing about 3lb a week. That I can live with
I have gone from a size 22/2X to a size 18/XL I am so happy! And everyone is really starting to notice the changes. I think that is one of the most encouraging things...
 
I have also begun to really like exercise! I have started going to Zumba once or twice a week depending on my schedule... I just love it! For all of you girls out there who hate exercise but love to dance, this is for you! The friends you make at these classes are supper awesome! They keep you motivated, and wanting to come back. Its like a little support group all its own. At least that is how mine is, I really hope they are all like that...
 
I know My Fitness Pall is my life saver and best friend lately... All of my friends who are on there supporting me every day are just wonderful! Thanks so much! You keep me going! If any of you want to follow me or need a little extra support of your own you can friend me on MFP my screen name is the same. amberlydw8
 
I have some new NSV's over the past few weeks...
I can cross my legs!!! It has been forever since I have been able to cross my legs! Awesome!
I can run for and not feel like I am going to die! (not very far, but its so much better than before!)
My knees, feet and back don't hurt anymore!
I don't feel like the "fat girl" in the room anymore! I know I have a ways to go yet, but its amazing the change in my confidence levels...
I can walk miles with out getting tired!
I have a waist line! Its awesome!

Well, That is what I got so far... Everyone keep up the good work...
Let me know if you have any questions I am an open book
or if any NSV's of your own you want to share!

My surgery was April 17th. I took all my measurements the night before my surgery. I took them again tonight. I've lost a total of 14 inches! That's A LOT in one month! Here's how it looks.
 
I'm 5' 7".
 
Forehead 23 5/8 23 5/8
Neck 17 1/4 16 1/2
Chest 46 1/8 44
Breasts 48 1/4 47 1/2
Waist 46 45 1/2
Hips 52 1/4 51 5/8
Bicep-L 16 3/8 14 1/4
Bicep-R 16 15 1/4
Forearm-L 12 11 1/2
Forearm-R 11 1/2 11 5/8
Wrist-L 6 3/4 6 3/4
Wrist-R 6 3/4 6 3/4
Thigh-L 29 1/2 27 1/8
Thigh-R 29 3/4 28 1/8
Calf-L 17 3/4 17 3/8
Calf-R 18 17 5/8
Ankle-L 9 5/8 9 1/4
Ankle-R 9 3/4 9 3/8
 
I'm going to measure monthly. The results from inches lost will be a bigger victory than the pounds.
 
 

As some may know, I have been trying for WLS since August of 2005. Finally my time came and I was sleeved. I was a very active member on ObesityHelp until I found this site. Enjoy the info and videos...
 
The word bougie means "candle" in French. "F or FR/Fr" following a bougie size=French
 
Its just a guide that the surgeon uses to butt the stapler up against, when forming your VSG. The closer s/he gets to the guide the 'tighter' /truer to guide the sleeve is. During surgery the bougie is inserted into your mouth down your throat, towards the end of yer stomach where it meets the pylorus via an esophageal dilator. After the new stomach is formed, the bougie/guide is removed out of your mouth, possibly why some VSGrs complain of a sore throat post op.
 
 
Some surgeons will use an endoscope or other "guide" to size ones new stomach. I read an OH post of a VSGr who's surgeon explained an endoscope is the same size as a 32F bougie...Im not sure.
 
Bougie size determination is between YOU and YOUR surgeon. Discuss size, rationale for size chosen, type bougie and technique used when sizing your new stomach........ PRE-OP!!
 
Some surgeons may "oversew" the staple line giving one a 'tighter' than bougie sized sleeve.
In order for an "oversewn" staple line to affect stomach size it MUST be running or continuous oversewn suture line across majority of staple line not intermittent oversewn nor merely at intersected "junctures" where the surgeon has reloaded the staple gun as majority of "oversewn" techniques (to prevent leaks) are done today. Make sure your surgeon explains what his/her "oversewn" technique is. Do not assume because a surgeon "oversews" you have a tighter than bougie sized sleeve.
 
A bougie is 1/3 mm PER french. i.e to calculate ~ inches 40F bougie 1/3 x 40 = 13.33mm convert to inches = ~.52 inches or ~1/2 inch in diameter.
 
Below are diameters of bougie/ "guides" in inches
 
32F = .40"
 
34F = .425"
 
36F = .45"
 
38F = .476"
 
40F = .5"
 
46F = .576"
 
60F = .75"
 
 
Video 1
 
This VSG surgery video shows a 'red' 34F bougie, one technique in sizing stomach, exised stomach, testing for leaks etc
.http://www.orlive.co...eight-loss-surg ery-gastric-sleeve
Red bougies are older mercury filled ones. FDA is tryin to ban em because of disposal issues (mercury).
 
 
More surgeons will use SINGLE USE disposable sized bougies
 
Video 2
 
In this surgical video Dr. Alvarez shows a disposable 32F bougie and use/technique
 
 
~9-2012
In another Forum, this member's bougie pix is from hospital she works at 1st: 36F, 2nd: 38F on left, 32F on right

 
 
General/ crude comparison chart created by another Forum member


 
 
Standard sized bougies in the US and Mexico are 32F. 32F is the smallest guide a bariatric surgeon in the US may safely use in forming your sleeve. Your surgeon may prefer any size bougie from 32-50F, based on YOU, your height, weight, or perhaps the need for a malabsorptive procedure in the future, inc. 1st step of 2 part DS. Discuss what to expect, rationale for size chosen with your surgeon if this is a concern.
 
LapSF/Dr. Criangle on their routine use of 32F bougies in VSG "Optimal weight loss may require the smallest possible pouch, which may yield the highest leak rate" .
 
Some surgeons will welcome discussion and your input on bougie sizes. After reading a published journal on the higher incidence of VSG surgically induced GERD (acid reflux/heartburn) in use of 28-32F bougies, it may be wise to request a higher bougie size. However, like all surgeries, we will need years of data to support whether or not this claim is actually true.
 
The History of using Bougies
 
In 2000 the use of 50-60F bougies were standard for VSG when it became a stand alone WLS, as they were the standard sizes of DS bougies, which VSG was modeled after. As the years went by, bariatric surgeons thought..smaller bougie, better restriction, less regain. So in ~2005 an adopted 32F bougie became the VSG standard. Rarely, if ever are 28-30F or 50F and over bougies used in the US for VSG as stand alone anymore. Many many VSGrs do EXTREMELY well with 40F-48F bougies as the guide to sizing their new stomach, losing all the weight they need to.
 
In 2008 study (small poll 135 pts) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 6 mos and 12 mos post VSG .... 40F and 60F bougies with no significant difference in EWL (eventual weight loss) 2008 Bougie Size Comparison
 
In 2009 study (a large poll) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 5 years post VSG ... 32F and 44F bougies show exactly the same EWL (eventual weight loss) 2009 Bougie Size Comparison
 
In 2012/13 study (a very large poll) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 3 years post VSG, a LESS than 40F bougie and GREATER than 40F bougie show no difference whatsoever in EWL (excess weight loss) 2012/13 Bougie Size Comparisons
 
 
VOLUME/GASTRIC CAPACITY in VSG:
 
PRE VSG: Average stomach holds 32-48 oz or 4 to 6 cups per meal
POST VSG (~6-8 months out FOR LIFE) ..new stomach holds 8-12 ozs or 1 to 1.5 cups per meal
(depending on weight/density of foods you eat! can be much less or much more)
 
The length of an adult stomach is 10-12 inches. DNA affects the length of our stomachs, as well as variations in shape. Tall people, for instance are known to have longer stomachs..so makes sense they have a bit more capacity, short people have shorter stomachs therefore less capacity.... so volume/capacity can be influenced by the length and physical anatomical variations of an individual's stomach.
 
Dr. Alvarez explains in this You Tube video about length of an individual's VSG stomach and how it relates
to volume.
 
This limited 2009 study is interesting in looking at gastric capacity in VSG,
just 3 days post op (120 ml=~1/2 cup) compared to 2 years post VSG (250 ml=~1 cup)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19533260
 
At the end (8:28 mark) of this LapSF VSG surgical video shows 1 DAY old (pod) sleeve Xray and a sleeve Xray at 4 years out. It is not clear to me if same pt. or solely to impress the new "normal" sleeve size. Note the "new normal" 32F tightly formed sleeve has dilated/stretched naturally to perhaps triple in size...The video also shows one technique of sizing the sleeve, as well as reinforcement of the staple line (to prevent leaks)
 
This VSG video shows the speed with which LIQUIDS/FLUIDS empty from the sleeve. In normal stomachs fluid empty rate is 5 minutes or less due to space creating a reservoir for large volumes of fluids. In VSG stomachs: fluid empty rate looks MUCH faster than that... youdecide!
 
The COTTAGE CHEESE TEST /CCT (link following) may be helpful to VSGrs that are curious about their new stomachs capacity. It was developed for RNY but an effective tool in VSG as well! I'd suggest waiting until you are on a regular diet before checking. When doing this test PLEASE eat to sensation of satiety - no longer hungry, and absolutely not full.
 
A simpler method, following the basic guidelines and time frame in the link provided... is to place 1 level cup (8oz) of small curd cottage cheese in a bowl and eat from that. Using a measured tablespoon to eat any remaining cottage cheese from the original container. Add or subtract any cottage cheese eaten or not finished using the measured tablespoon. 2 TBS=1oz. Total...the amount consumed = your sleeve's capacity.
http://www.bsciresourcecenter.com/proddetail.php?prod=A4
 
 
STRETCHING in VSG:
 
YOU CANNOT STRETCH/DILATE out your sleeve to anything remotely close to its original size.
 
From LapSF/Dr. Criangle: The removed section of the stomach is actually the portion that stretches the most. The long vertical tube shaped stomach that remains is the portion least likely to expand over time and it creates significant resistance to volumes of food.
 
The fundus (inc. majority of stomachs 'body' up to pyloric canal) of the stomach is ALL but removed with VSG.
The fundus is the upper most part of the stomach's greater curvature. The fundus is:
1) the stomach's stretchy/expandable tissue, capable of expanding 2-3xs its resting 'unfilled' size
2) the pre-op 'mass quantities' of food, waiting to be digested, storage section
3) where 70% of the body's grehlin a "hunger hormone" is produced.
 
 
 
Stretching, due to overeating is most common in RNY because more of the stretchy fundus part of the stomach is retained to make the 'pouch', and is usually NOT covered by insurance to correct. Re-sleeving or a need for a malabsorptive surgery post VSG may or may NOT be covered by your insurance plan.
 
Anecdotally, Ive read from select OH VSG members, or according to a/their particular surgeon..overeating will cause your sleeve to stretch out. Ive read/found no scientific data, published or otherwise, to date that says this is a TRUE statement.
 
Since food stays in our stomach less than ~ 3 hours after a meal..common sense tells me food doesn't stay in our stomachs long enough to create 'stretching'. Food once ingested, immediately begins to be churned into a liquidy sludge called chyme through peristalsis in the stomach. This liquidy sludge must be small enough to pass through our very small pyloric valve and into the small intestine for further digestion /breakdown and absorption of 'micronutritents' ...so there cannot be enough pressure for long sustained periods of time in our stomachs to cause it to stretch.
 
 
Post op VSG ... depending upon the amount of swelling/inflammation you have..even a little 'thick/er' dense liquids or pureed foods/mushies may or may not feel restrictive, as you pass through the progression of texture dietary phases ( to promote healing) and onto your regular diet ~2mos post op. ... swelling/inflammation has naturally reduced. Density of meals becomes a key player in restriction. By 1 year out you'll find you can eat more than you could at 2 days post op, at 2 weeks post op, 2 months post op, and 6 months post op. Your sleeve has naturally and fully matured.
Depending on the food..you can eat more or less than the 8-12 oz capacity of a fully matured sleeve.......at any particular meal.
 
Toleration of a food, does NOT make it a good choice!
"just because I CAN...doesn't mean I DO"
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bougie size controversy/wars are ridiculous imo.. 'get a smaller one, you can stretch it out, you're not going to have any restriction, that bigger one is all wrong, you'll re-gain easily years out, my surgeon made mine smaller and I got to goal in 6 months'
...all nonsense DO NOT PAY EM NO MIND!! This is YOUR story! YOUR journey!
 
 
ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS TRUTH:
 
YOUR WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SIZE OF YOUR STOMACH, altered or not!
 
Most important is the quantity and quality of the food choices you ingest post-op

OK, I guess I jumped the gun a week ago when I said I was no longer obese because I weighed 227 and my BMI was 29.9. Ever since then, I've been fluctuating between 227 and 229. Guess I'm in some sort of a stall. Oh well, I'm not really stressing over it. I know I'm still doing all the right things and it will move when it wants to.

I don't have many pictures of me (not even face shots). I was looking to for one to post and I don't have any. I also haven't hung up any of my weddings photos -- you know the event that I paid a gazillion dollars for and hired a professional photographer. We don't even have any family photographs. My memories are filled with photos of the kids - none of me.
 
I've noted that I really am happy with who I am until I look in the mirror; then, I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Apart from my health issues, in my heart ... I don't feel that hugely fat. It's amazing how a layer of fat makes you look like a different person.
 
I'm tired of getting together at family gatherings and the topic of conversation is always losing weight and the pure shock at how much I've gained. Truthfully, sometimes I start that conversation because I feel defensive... Hey, you tend to develop a coping mechanism.
 
I want to live my life ... I don't want to feel like getting dressed is a chore. Going to the store and feeling like a failure because I can't find jeans that fit me right... Oh, the dreaded muffin top when I sit down. I swear it constricts my breathing. Ughh. On that note, I only have one pair of jeans that fit me right now. I also have a closet full of clothes that are way too small. I don't know why I keep them. I wear the same the same work clothes every week because I don't like to think about putting outfits together. I like the comfort of knowing exactly what I'm wearing ... to assure I have no disappointments.
 
This is all apart from knowing that if I continue on this path, I will develop more health issues related to weight.
 
Don't get me wrong, I have parts of my life that I'm very proud of -- career, family, etc.
 
I just want to live a longer and healthier (and more physical) life not being ashamed of how I look. I just want to be able to tie my shoe without getting winded. I just want to take a family photo and put it on the wall ...

I planned this surgery for a year. I dreamed about it for a lot longer than that. So, when my surgery finally got approved and scheduled, I immediately hid it from almost everyone close to me. No one at my office knows I was sleeved. Only my husband, best friend, 2nd Mom (my mom's best friend.... She stands in for my Mom), and one brother (of five siblings). Everyone else knows the "vague truth" story.... A procedure done to remove some of the fat in my liver and "roto-rooting" to discourage more fat build-up in my otherwise compromised liver. Still.... Sort of the truth. So, what's the big deal? Why am I hesitant to just say, "yeah, I got sleeved to lose weight?" Why is there shame around that? Is it because John Q Public who has always been height-weight proportionate is quick to judge it? It's the easy way out, right? More admiration and respect goes to those who lose weight on their own and keep it off. Right? Somehow, this is cheating?
 
It's cheating to sacrifice 80% of a vital organ for the REST of my LIFE? It's the easy way out to never get to enjoy a big Thanksgiving meal with my family EVER again? I'm taking a short cut by undergoing general anesthesia and getting punctured - not once - but five times in the gut? It's just a vacation for me knowing my hair is going to fall out and I can only hope it grows back?
 
Right. Still, I feel the social stigma of the shame that goes with. Today, I've been reflecting on this. And this is the peace I'm making with it.
 
Society says they admire a person who loses weight "on their own." This includes people using appetite suppressants. An appetite suppressant is just a tool to prop them up, but THEY are the ones doing the HARD work. THEY are having to change their eating habits and choices. They couldn't do it without the appetite suppressant. It is a needed tool to accomplish their ultimate goal - lose weight.
 
The sleeve IS AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT. The difference is, IT actually WORKS, and works for the long-term FAR FAR FAR better than any prescription drug that is swallowed. And, I'm not adding chemicals to my body. I'm not forgetting to take it, or changing my mind about taking it, or dealing with unpleasant side effects. I have an appetite suppressant THAT REALLY WORKS! And, after the weight comes off, I won't rebound like most people do who "do it themselves" (according to John Q Public).
 
So, I am thinking that we Sleevers have a responsibility to TEACH others. We have every right to hold our heads up with pride for being COURAGEOUS ENOUGH to make this lifelong commitment to change a lifelong brainwashing about healthy-eating and healthy-living. I refuse to accept any snide remarks from anyone. I will communicate pity to them for their ignorance and lack of evolving. And, I'll certainly offer to enlighten them on how one should think about their health going into the 21st Century.
 
Sleeving isn't just giving me my life back. It is SAVING my life. I'm not ashamed of myself. I'm PROUD of me! I found a RELIABLE tool to use to lose weight. The most reliable tool available.
 
This is the hardest work I've ever loved!

How long has it been? How long since I felt like I was the right size and weight and everything about my body was acceptable?
 
And, bigger question... Where did this bloated, waddling, unhealthy, wide loaded woman come from that keeps showing up in my mirror and in pictures that get taken with my family?
 
Looking in the mirror is so hard, especially in the evenings when I'm getting ready for bed and seeing "all my glory" and realizing I really am as big and ugly fat and tired looking as I feel. Arrrrggghhh!
 
Is that really me? How did I let myself get to this point? I sit in a dressing room, my cute little teenage daughter (13) trying on adorable trendy little outfits and dresses. I see her spin and pose as she gets in a pink princess thing. She walks back in to try another one on. I'm sitting on a bench holding several hangers of other dresses and feeling tired, again. I look over at the mirror and see myself and I lose it. I cry and almost start sobbing right then and there. It hurts so bad. I used to look like her and I thought I was fat. Is that what doomed me to this? Was it because I didn't thank God for how I looked then? Did I take it for granted?
 
 
Honestly, I have thought I was fat from eighth grade (5'7", 130 lbs) when I began to get taller and a little wider in the hips than my little petite and pretty and girly classmates. That's the same age as my youngest daughter. I already hear occasional little comments she makes of herself and things that are not just perfect. I want to make her see how beautiful she is and embrace it!
 
When I look back at pictures from that time in my life (high school years), I wanna go back and slap her (myself) silly for not appreciating how pretty I was. I really had such an adorable figure. No, I didn't have much in the way of boobs, but I had curves in other "right places." I got attention from boys. I looked great and was tall and thin really, until I had my second child at 22.
 
In all truth, I know a lot of the explanations and reasons that I am in this place physically. I know there are a variety of things to blame from four pregnancies, perhaps a few medical causes, nutritionally bad choices, laziness, pain, bad marriage, stress, genetics, environment, and probably a few I haven't read about or dealt with yet.
 
Now in the last three years I come to the point where I have these little break downs like in the dressing rooms multiple times, or getting ready for a night out or to go to church and just sit in my closet and cry and hate myself. I've done it getting out of bed (rather, heaving myself out). Mentally being in a state of fury at my limitations that I know are self-imposed when I try to help my daughter move out of her college apartment and I can't even carry a 15 pound box down a flight of stairs without having to rest 10 minutes and huff and puff like I ran a mile.
 
This place is my "low point"... my "end of the rope". I'm at the bottom and exhausted enough to finally admit I need MAJOR HELP. And THAT is what brought me to WLS and specifically VSG.
 
There is a change in my focus that has helped me transition slowly, day by day from disgust with where I let my weight go and my new found hope and belief in myself I have begun to feed little by little with that hope. I can do this... I can do this... I really can be healthy and fit again. There is a tool I can use that I never really considered. Thanks to where I am in my life, the fact that we have good insurance through my husband's job and the support and encouragement he has showered on me constantly... I'm ready.
 
I'm feeling that by this time next year, I'll be looking in mirrors and pictures and saying "WOW, I knew that pretty girl was still in there somewhere under all the fat."

Moments away from getting on the shuttle to Mexico. No turning back now. Everyone here has given me the courage to move onward. It's my turn.
 

I finally got a date for my surgery!!! OMG I was having a bad day Friday ..I got home saw d mail n saw d ins letter! I was all man I bet they denied me cause thats just the kinda day I was having... But when I started reading i saw ur ins has approved you!! I was woohoooooo I can't believe it!! I faxed it to d dr on Monday and got my date today!!! May 9th is the day!!!! I'm excited not scared yet maybe as time gets closer but right now I'm more scared of wut to tell my boss!! I don't wanna say why I'll be out for a week or why I'm getting skinny!! Ohhhh lorddddd lol

So here I am. I have decided to take a step towards the final frontier of my personal happiness. My health.
 
I have been through a hell of a ride on my journey to today. I have struggled through a dysfunctional marriage to an abusive alcoholic, stood witness to the attack on New York City first hand, narrowly escaped death from sepsis blood poisoning, fought a ten year fertility battle, and buried a friend/lover taken far too young from brain cancer.
 
Life as a human being is hard enough, no wonder I was unable to keep my weight under control – there was too much else to focus on.
 
Today, I am the proud mother of a beautiful two year old boy, I am fulfilled in my 10+ year career with a fantastic company who value my efforts, I own my own home, have a functional car, and am in a relationship with a man whom I have known almost all my life in some capacity… its new… its fresh, but its good. He is kind, and patient and wonderful with my son.
 
The song Good Mother by Jan Arden goes through my head on a daily basis these days – if you don’t know it, check it out on YouTube. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to truly believe that I am finally happy and at peace. There is only one concern left… and that is my weight and my health.
 
I have tried over the years to lose weight and on a couple of occasions have been somewhat successful, most notably loosing 70ish lbs in 2001 on the Dr. Bernstein Diet. But, being predisposed to easily gain, it keeps coming back.
 
Last year I topped my scales (having left my husband 3x in the same year my child was born) at 296! I knew I had to do something and quick.
 
I started an exercise regiment and eating well, and managed to lose 26 lbs in about 4 months. 270 felt pretty good and I started to gain back some confidence in myself and hope for my future.
 
Then suddenly, my guy (who was not my guy at the time) broke up with his girlfriend and landed on my couch!! We were not an item but decided to try and live as roommates until he either found something more permanent or the arrangement was too awkward.
 
Riiiiiiiight. That clearly didn’t and wasn’t going to work. He came with a WHOLE lot of baggage and there were some serious growing pains – the to point where I threw him out of my house in January. That’s what we needed I guess to determine that our friendship (and the stuff that blossomed along with it) was in fact a love neither of us were looking for. But, all that confusion and activity made me put my weight loss on the back burner, yet again.
 
So here I go again, at the start of this year, new diet, new exercise regiment –this is going to be it! I rejoined Weight Watchers (probably for the 18-20th time) and bought myself a treadmill.
 
Starting the year off at 278 I went gang busters being perfectly well behaved with my eating and working out on my treadmill approx 5 times a week at 40 minutes a pop. I was on the move again and dropped to 265.
 
Then suddenly I started suffering from sciatica. So, thinking that the exercise would sort it out, I pushed harder – increasing my efforts to every day and included some workouts on my vibration platform. By the end of February I could no longer sleep or stand for long periods of time without pain.
 
Turns out I have something called Piriformis Syndrome. Apparently what is happening is a muscle that attaches somewhere in my butt and hip is clenching up when I exercise and pinching my sciatic nerve. Are you KIDDING ME?

 
So through acupuncture, deep massage therapy and chiropractic, they are still trying to make the muscle ease up… and I have not been able to work out.
 
I continued my diet plan for a while but then threw my hands in the air out of frustration and so here I am - and back up to 277.8. So much effort to lose it, so easily regained.
 
What I do I know is that I have the will and determination to make this work… all I need is the rewarding results for my efforts. One thing that my fella said to me shortly after we started to cohabitate was, "I dont understand with all that you do, and how you eat, how you weight more than 98 pounds!"
 
That sort of outside review is the justification I needed! :wub:
 
This is a big step... and a bit scary... but I am worth this effort, and there is simply put, nothing I wouldn't do for my boy. He deserves a healthy mommy who will be with him a long long time.
 
Let’s do this thing.
 
 
May 10, 2013. Dr. Rodrigues at Star Medica in Juarez.
 
I’m ready.

How To explain away my scars?
 
OK, this is awful so don't read if you are easily offended and do not appreciate a sick sense of humor.
 
 
 
 
Warning! Don't read if you are easily offended!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Last Warning! Sick Humor below!!!!!
 
 
 
 
Shanked in prison... Shuts them up every time! - VSGKirk
 
Some idiot: What happened?
You: I had abdominal surgery.
Idiot: What kind?
You: The kind that involves the abdominal area. - newat52
 
Tijuana knife fight. - Kristina J.
 
I had some "woman issues " - chell1978
 
Texas mosquito bites
 
I was knifed by an exotic dancer in TJ.
 
Full contact scrapbooking injury...
When you get the weird look, you can fill in that scrapbooking is getting really intense now that scrappers are trying to make the hobby "athletic enough" for the Olympics.
 
Bears. But never mind my scar, you should check out my awesome new rug!
 
My wife said somtimes I don't know my place.
 
Tell them you are trying to avenge your father and ask if they have six fingers on their right hand.
 
Two words, "Satin sheets"
 
I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say, I won't be allowed in that Benihana for a while.
 
The first rule of Fight Club is 'don't talk about Fight Club'
 
They say you can't get blood from a stone - well, the IRS tried!
 
Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors?
 
I was watching the DIY network and they did a show on bodylifts...
 
A zombie tried to eat my brains and missed.
 
Tell them as much as you'd love to talk about it you just can't because your defense attorney and parole officer advised you to keep your mouth shut until after the trial.
 
I got this in a bar fight when I used to ride with Hells Angels.
 
That's where the aliens probed me
 
Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a to put on warning labels!
 
Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
 
"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."
 
I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
 
I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
 
I slipped while making a salad.
 
I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
 
I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.
 
I'm a blade sharpness tester
 
"I had an accident with a scalpel." [person asks why] "Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er... this had nothing to do with it. Honest."
 
You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*... What was I talking about?
 
I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
 
"Oh, these?" *embarrassed face* "I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!"
 
"...Are you consipring aginast me? What's with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?" *and upon interrupting "I'm doing the talking here" and then continue to ramble until they back away. "...They'll come and get you too. Run while you still can"
 
Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible. Yes, they're nasty that way.
 
I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
 
I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
 
The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
 
The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
 
I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.
 
The voices told me to do it.
 
I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::
 
In my past life I was a ninja.
 
It sucks having parents who are sadists.
 
My boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
 
I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.
 
Look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?
 
Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
 
I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
 
Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
 
Carving a turkey is harder than it looks
 
You want me to show you? smile evily
 
Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
 
Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
 
Oh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
 
Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
 
Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
 
Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
 
Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
 
A reminder of my Pirating days....
 
My trained attack dragon did before I got him trained...
 
I had a duel.
 
Did you know chickens aren't all soft and fluffy?
 
Playing Slug Bug with a cat is a reaaally bad idea.
 
Oh this? *point at scar* That's where my twin used to be attached.
 
Lightsaber battle
 
I kicked Chuck Norris' ass all I got was this lousy scar!
 
Tell them you had to help Jack Bauer escape from the Russians and that's the last time you'll cover his pansy ass.
 
Narrowly escaped a zombie attack
 
Fell on the runway-it's Fashion Week
 
Rachel Ray's dog attacked me.
 
I just tell people it's a "sex wound."
 
My husband is ... just ... a WILD MAN, what can I say?
 
 
 
 
 
 
That's all folks!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Really, that's all there is.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
No hablo the english? There isn't anymore. Stop scrolling!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ok, okay, one last one.
 
It's where the alien burst out. What, you think they only come out of chests?
 
 
 
 
Satisfied!??????????