asmaclare

Hi, I'm Asma. I'm 34 years old. I'm a wife, and a physician. And I'm fat and I have been my ENTIRE life. But not for long!

I have been fat for as long as I remember. As a young child (kindergarten even), I remember being bigger than the other kids. I didn't realize the significance of this until I was a little older and things started to feel awkward. It was a struggle to be issued gym clothes at school - I had to wear the boy colors because the girl colors didn't come in my size. I was really excited when I was asked to join the safety patrol in grade school, but it took a few extra weeks to get my safety patrol belt because they didn't have an "extra large." When I started marching band in high school, I was so relieved to see there were actually other high schoolers bigger than me because I knew I would actually get a marching uniform that fit me!

I went on all sorts of diets with my mother when I was a kid. (More on my mother later) I remember going to weight watchers meetings with her, doing nutrisystem, going to hypnotism classes with her.. Even since the age of 10! Even though I was always a fat kid, I knew I was pretty. Everyone always told me how pretty my face is, or how nice my eyes were. But this never gave me confidence as a youngster. I started dating on the internet at a very young age, hiding behind it - especially through high school and college - because I didn't have the self esteem to try to date someone in person.

The thinnest I ever remember was about 215-225 when I was in my last year of high school. I was on Redux (phentermine), eating a low fat / low cholesterol diet and exercising constantly (marching band in the Texas heat as well as the gym). It was the first time that I actually felt a little attractive, and I must admit I did get a little more attention from guys during this time. However, college hit soon afterward. I was on a pre-med track. I studied all the time, had a very non-active lifestyle because of that, and ate like crap. Since I was about 19 years old the weight has yo-yo-ed on and off. At one point in college I am sure I weighed over 300 lbs (after looking at pictures, I don't remember weighing myself at that time). I lost a significant amount of weight - 60 lbs maybe, gained that back. I did this again through graduate school, then medical school, and now residency. I was back to 300 lbs again and I knew something had to give.

A friend had the band surgery (about 4 years ago now) and she's done fairly well with it. When she first had it, I was very against it. I thought she just hadn't tried or at least not that I saw. (In fairness, I had not been around here in many years as we lived apart) She didn't tell me about it until after she had it, which was really hurtful at first, but then I sort of understood. I might have tried to discourage her, because at the time I just didn't understand why she would need a surgery like that to help her lose weight. She has lost a significant amount of weight I would see her every few months and see how great she looked. She has unfortunately not gotten to her goal weight but I hopeful she'll get there. I am thankful for her because she really did open my eyes to WLS.

I joined a weight management program in March 2012. I went into it with the idea that I would do the band. Either way, I decided I needed a program to help me stay on track and in the meantime I would find out as much information about the band as possible. I was gung ho for it at first. However, my weight management doctor didn't think it was the best option for me. She kept pushing the sleeve on me. She felt like it had less complications, young women did better with it during pregnancies thus far, and that there were much better results. I just couldn't wrap my hand around this surgery being so invasive and so final. Who would cut off half of their stomach? She was supportive however, with the band choice, and we did sort of get started on the process. I saw a surgeon who did the band within my program and he thought I would be a pretty good candidate although he did think the sleeve would be better for me as far as results. I was pretty confident though, that I could lose enough weight to get me into a decent BMI for the band. I was convinced I could drop 30 lbs or so, and could get the rest off with the band. Unfortunately, that surgeon ended up leaving my hospital and there was no other surgeon that did the band. I continued on weight the weight management program, though, seeing her every month, doing weight watchers, and I over the year I lost 45 lbs.

Then, something just hit me. I'm 34. I'm still fat. My husband and I want a family. When is it going to be okay to do this? I want to be at a healthy weight for any pregnancy given my blood pressure, OSA and chronic low back pain (status post 1 lumbosacral hernia repair already). This may sound horrible, but I also didn't want to the fat woman that people didn't know was pregnant. After pregnancy I want to be as healthy as possible for my child(ren). I saw my mother struggle with her weight when we were kids. She basically ran herself into the ground to the point where she's just had bilateral knee replacements, has chronic neuropathic leg pain, and back pain. I respect her so much for doing everything for us that she could, but she has really paid the price for it! This really hit home for me, and this is when I decided I had to do something to help me lose the weight and keep it off.

I second guessed my decision over the 1-2 months before surgery. I was so scared that I would regret having the surgery and even more than that, I was scared that I would have to convince myself I did the right thing because I couldn't take it back. My husband asked me one question though that really helped, he said: "If you don't have this surgery, in 1 year's time, will you regret NOT having it?" And without a doubt, my answer is ABSOLUTELY. And that really made me feel more at peace with the decision.

So, I just wanted to put that out there for anyone who is thinking about this surgery. I think it's important to get many different perspectives; however, the one thing I have come to find is that each person's experience in this process is both pre and post surgery, is different. I think the frustrating part is not knowing what's in the future. I don't know that anything will prepare you fully. I don't think I was and I still have a lot to learn. But right now, I am taking it one day at time.