Andi

How To explain away my scars?
 
OK, this is awful so don't read if you are easily offended and do not appreciate a sick sense of humor.
 
 
 
 
Warning! Don't read if you are easily offended!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Last Warning! Sick Humor below!!!!!
 
 
 
 
Shanked in prison... Shuts them up every time! - VSGKirk
 
Some idiot: What happened?
You: I had abdominal surgery.
Idiot: What kind?
You: The kind that involves the abdominal area. - newat52
 
Tijuana knife fight. - Kristina J.
 
I had some "woman issues " - chell1978
 
Texas mosquito bites
 
I was knifed by an exotic dancer in TJ.
 
Full contact scrapbooking injury...
When you get the weird look, you can fill in that scrapbooking is getting really intense now that scrappers are trying to make the hobby "athletic enough" for the Olympics.
 
Bears. But never mind my scar, you should check out my awesome new rug!
 
My wife said somtimes I don't know my place.
 
Tell them you are trying to avenge your father and ask if they have six fingers on their right hand.
 
Two words, "Satin sheets"
 
I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say, I won't be allowed in that Benihana for a while.
 
The first rule of Fight Club is 'don't talk about Fight Club'
 
They say you can't get blood from a stone - well, the IRS tried!
 
Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors?
 
I was watching the DIY network and they did a show on bodylifts...
 
A zombie tried to eat my brains and missed.
 
Tell them as much as you'd love to talk about it you just can't because your defense attorney and parole officer advised you to keep your mouth shut until after the trial.
 
I got this in a bar fight when I used to ride with Hells Angels.
 
That's where the aliens probed me
 
Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a to put on warning labels!
 
Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
 
"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."
 
I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
 
I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
 
I slipped while making a salad.
 
I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
 
I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.
 
I'm a blade sharpness tester
 
"I had an accident with a scalpel." [person asks why] "Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er... this had nothing to do with it. Honest."
 
You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*... What was I talking about?
 
I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
 
"Oh, these?" *embarrassed face* "I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!"
 
"...Are you consipring aginast me? What's with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?" *and upon interrupting "I'm doing the talking here" and then continue to ramble until they back away. "...They'll come and get you too. Run while you still can"
 
Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible. Yes, they're nasty that way.
 
I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
 
I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
 
The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
 
The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
 
I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.
 
The voices told me to do it.
 
I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::
 
In my past life I was a ninja.
 
It sucks having parents who are sadists.
 
My boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
 
I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.
 
Look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?
 
Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
 
I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
 
Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
 
Carving a turkey is harder than it looks
 
You want me to show you? smile evily
 
Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
 
Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
 
Oh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
 
Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
 
Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
 
Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
 
Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
 
A reminder of my Pirating days....
 
My trained attack dragon did before I got him trained...
 
I had a duel.
 
Did you know chickens aren't all soft and fluffy?
 
Playing Slug Bug with a cat is a reaaally bad idea.
 
Oh this? *point at scar* That's where my twin used to be attached.
 
Lightsaber battle
 
I kicked Chuck Norris' ass all I got was this lousy scar!
 
Tell them you had to help Jack Bauer escape from the Russians and that's the last time you'll cover his pansy ass.
 
Narrowly escaped a zombie attack
 
Fell on the runway-it's Fashion Week
 
Rachel Ray's dog attacked me.
 
I just tell people it's a "sex wound."
 
My husband is ... just ... a WILD MAN, what can I say?
 
 
 
 
 
 
That's all folks!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Really, that's all there is.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
No hablo the english? There isn't anymore. Stop scrolling!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ok, okay, one last one.
 
It's where the alien burst out. What, you think they only come out of chests?
 
 
 
 
Satisfied!??????????

Tonight I had an appointment at Lahey, well I thought I had 2, but it turned out into being a class with a few other ladies there. It hosted by the other bariatric nurse & nutritionist (we get assigned a team, but I've met the other "team" during these group meetings). It was an overall good presentation with some good to know info. It started off with the nurse giving an us an idea what to expect on the day of surgery & how to best prepare. The 2nd portion was the nutritionist going over our after surgery diet & supplements.
 
I thought that I already knew quite a bit from reading other folk's posts, but I did learn some things tonight:

No driving for 1 week after the surgery
Prior to the surgery, no vitamins for 2 weeks & no pain medications other than Tylenol
Breathing exercises 40-50 times day (to help prevent pneumonia)
No gas-x strips required, they'll provide some if needed (after I just ordered some, of course)
Prilosec for 1 month & Actigall (gallstone prevention) for 6 months
Bye Bye steak & pork for about 3 months. Also raw veggies other than lettuce & tomatoes
If a food gets stuck, DO NOT TAKE A SIP of something to try to fix it (get up and walk around instead)
Being full is not going to be experienced the same way. Hiccups, burps or a runny nose could be the signal

 
I had been growing a little concerned seeing people posting about dealing with their insurance companies & with approval/denial forms. It seems Lahey took care of all that, and if an issue does/did come up they try to resolve it. Pretty nice
 
Overall, feeling pretty good. Next week has a total of 7 appointments for me (groan) but I think some of them will just kinda slide into one another (hospital admissions to the nurse examination, etc) so it shouldn't be too too bad. The reality of all this is starting to lurk back into the picture, but I'm not freaking out again (yet).

Tonight I had an appointment at Lahey, well I thought I had 2, but it turned out into being a class with a few other ladies there. It hosted by the other bariatric nurse & nutritionist (we get assigned a team, but I've met the other "team" during these group meetings). It was an overall good presentation with some good to know info. It started off with the nurse giving an us an idea what to expect on the day of surgery & how to best prepare. The 2nd portion was the nutritionist going over our after surgery diet & supplements.
 
I thought that I already knew quite a bit from reading other folk's posts, but I did learn some things tonight:

No driving for 1 week after the surgery
Prior to the surgery, no vitamins for 2 weeks & no pain medications other than Tylenol
Breathing exercises 40-50 times day (to help prevent pneumonia)
No gas-x strips required, they'll provide some if needed (after I just ordered some, of course)
Prilosec for 1 month & Actigall (gallstone prevention) for 6 months
Bye Bye steak & pork for about 3 months. Also raw veggies other than lettuce & tomatoes
If a food gets stuck, DO NOT TAKE A SIP of something to try to fix it (get up and walk around instead)
Being full is not going to be experienced the same way. Hiccups, burps or a runny nose could be the signal

 
I had been growing a little concerned seeing people posting about dealing with their insurance companies & with approval/denial forms. It seems Lahey took care of all that, and if an issue does/did come up they try to resolve it. Pretty nice
 
Overall, feeling pretty good. Next week has a total of 7 appointments for me (groan) but I think some of them will just kinda slide into one another (hospital admissions to the nurse examination, etc) so it shouldn't be too too bad. The reality of all this is starting to lurk back into the picture, but I'm not freaking out again (yet).

Well, only 3 days to go before surgery day! I got a call this morning to pre-register for the surgery. They just needed to verify information. They set up an appointment for a nurse to call me tomorrow between 1 and 2, to ask questions about medical history for the anesthesiologist. I won't know my surgery time until some time on Thursday.
 
After all the doubts and second-guessing, I'm finally at peace with this decision. I know it is the best thing I could do for myself. If I didn't do this, I would eventually be over 300 lbs, and have additional health issues, and probably die of a heart attack before I was 50. I can't weight to get off my medications, and get rid of this sleep apnea, and just be able to keep up with my kids.

My journey into WLS-land officially began in December of 2012. It's hard to write this without 15 paragraphs of backstory, but maybe that will fill in with time.
 
I was told that I would probably not be on any fast track to getting to into surgery. I hadn't been to the doctor in about 3 years & my diabetes and blood pressure had since been running out of control. Still, when they said it would probably be 4-6 months before I'd be up for the surgery I thought to myself that I could handle that. Besides, from the basic outline of the Lahey pre-req's.. it almost seemed like a minimum amount of 3 months would be needed to get everything out of the way regardless. I took this all very seriously & immediately rolled up my sleeves & got to work.
 
I record every single piece of food that goes into my mouth on the Daily Plate/Livestrong.com. I alternate a bit with my exercise, but try to get in an hour walk @ 3mph & now I'm adding in some basic bodyweight training at home. I'm recording my blood sugar daily. I'm keeping my calories under 1500 (without feeling deprived or hungry). I joined a group on Livestrong that challenges you to "lose 100 lbs in one year" with weekly weigh in's. I was also tracking my exercise on a fitness page with some kindred spirits (to a degree) but when I got it off my chest that WLS was in my future.. I kinda regretted it. I still look there for inspiration, but no more posts.
 
My progress seems to have paid off some. When I last saw my bariatric nurse I had lost 29lbs since 12/20 & the next day I got a call with a surgery date of 4/1. Immediately after the call was a "oh S**t" moment that lasted a good half hour. I'm not scared of the surgery.. I think I'm more scared of this being taken away from me now more than anything.