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Hawaii was amazing. Sun, sand, surf and great friends. Lots of pictures. These will be my last summer pics being the current pre-op me. So my "before" photos will have a nice landscape! Actually it was a very informative vacation as I went with my friend who had the surgery over a year ago. We were able to honestly talk about the ups and downs of the road she has travelled as well as what to expect. It also allowed my hubby a chance to talk with hers to see how we felt...typical guy talk over beers right! But what I really enjoyed was being able to see how she lives now with the weight gone. I watched her eat off the kids meno or the appetizer menu. She still had treats - she admits she gained on the trip but was right back on track after. That's what we are supposed to do....enjoy in moderation.
 
I start my pre-op diet next Thursday which means I'm just over 3 weeks away from this. Ironically my diet and nutrition appointment is the week after when I see my surgeon so I was feeling a bit lost however that same wonderful friend is pulling her stuff and sending it to me- I love that girl!
 
So this weekend I am having my last BBQ for a while with all e trimmings. I am going to celebrate my up coming last "diet" (when did you ever think you would say that). I am going to revel in where I've been, where I am, and where I am going!
 
Stay tuned.....the grumbling you hear will be my stomach!

One month has flown by and I had my big weigh in at the doctors office, which I was excited to see what it would say. I am at 202 from 235! In one month I lost 33 pounds and have went down a size in pants and 1/2 a shoe size. I also was wearing a 2XL to now wearing some L. So glad I had this life changing surgery!

I had my first NSV today! Last night I went into my closet and tried on some of my size 24 pants that I haven't worn for 2 years. I knew that my size 26's were too big but never thought I was able to wear the 24's so soon. I wore them all day and even left the button done up all day. I feel great!!! On my surgery date I was 311 pounds. Now I am down to 289. I had a little bit of the stall I have heard everyone talking about and was worried, but have since realized that is okay. I am working out 3-4 times a week already and am being very active.

I wasn't expecting to write any type of entry for week two, but this week has a big impact on my thought process.
 
Losing 22lbs in week 1 was amazing. I felt great! On top of the world! Ready to jump-start my new life! ...And then, it stopped. On day #7 the scale stopped moving. Now, I've researched this surgery soooo much and knew this was very likely. It seems many people have a stall around week 2-3. I thought I was prepared for this strange phenomena... But I was wrong. I had so many doubts this week. Would I ever lose the weight? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to do? Did I just have surgery to lose 22lbs? It was a terrible week.
And then I realized... This is completely normal. Not only not losing weight is normal, but also all these feeling are normal as well. It's easy to get discouraged when things don't go your way. It's easy to get angry or sad... But that's what this journey is about- it's about a fight to a better you. A physically better you AND an emotionally better you. It's about strength, determination, and learning.
To all you who are discouraged and down this week, pick up the pieces and keep on keeping on. This is all part of your story- the ups AND the downs. There are many times we will feel this way, down and depressed, but we just have to pick ourselves up, dust off, sip some water, and walk it off.
 

Wanted to share a rundown of my surgery day and 1st week Postop. I was sleeved on June 11, 2013. Here goes:
 
Surgery day!: the surgery itself went smoothly. No complaints or complications. When I woke up, I did experience some nausea. I also felt a little too sedated. My mind was like, "ok, Misty, you need to get up and walk." But my body was like, "F*** that." My mom and husband brought me to my very comfy hotel room and I was instructed to start sipping on water at 10pm. So, I did. And I vomited. I did have some mild pain, but I couldn't tolerate the pain medication (I couldn't tolerate the water). Recap of the day: pain- very mild. Nausea- holy hell.
 
Day 1: I continued with nausea until I hit the 24 hour mark. Then I was able to drink. Magic! The day's intake totaled 5oz, and I was super proud of that. On this day I met my new best friend = Gas X. I attribute the Gas X with me feeling so much better. Oh! And I was allowed to take a shower!! (A shower cures everything). That evening Dr. Borland came visit me, and gave me terrible news = no bowel sounds! Ahhh! Some people might be like, "so what?" But in my mind (my nurse mind) I pictured myself with an NG tube, large midline abdominal incision, and a colostomy. Ah! I took Phenergan that night, not for nausea, but for sleep.
 
Day 2: I was able to leave the hotel. Home sweet home! After the car ride, I did have some mild soreness and a little trickle of blood at the bellybutton site. No biggie. And on this day I learned the value of burping myself, yes, like a baby.
 
Day 3: ok, we talked about no bowel sounds- Since the doc told me that, my ridiculously obsessed self kept listening for my bowel sounds. And I had been hearing increased grumbling. Yay. And today??? A BM!! Yes, thank you, I was happy for myself too. Today I felt no pain or soreness. I walked to the mailbox a few times- I was afraid to leave my driveway. I had a total intake of 17.5 oz!
 
Day 4: Feeling good! Walked outside a little. No pain. Total intake of 19 oz (I felt like I pushed it too much). I was feeling much stronger until I had to wash my hair-- OMG!
 
Day 5: Felt great!!! I discovered today that my engagement ring no longer fits. but and I got 21oz in with no problem. And today, I ventured past the mailbox into the street!!!
 
Day 6: I woke up feeling weak. After thinking about it, I believe I was a little dehydrated. I actually slept late this day. So my observation= sleeping too much= not drinking= dehydration= weakness. I did some light housework, walked outside, had an all around good day once I caught up on my fluids. And I went on my first outing: Walmart to shop for thickened liquids: dear god that was exhausting. Lol
 
Day 7: I started my protein shakes! And vitamins!! After all that clear liquid, I was kinda excited for protein. Feeling strong! Feeling good! I went to my first Postop appointment. Lost 22lbs! Yay! I will see my doc again in 2 weeks. Oh, and I learned I love V8.
 
So that was the first seven days. Honestly, I thought I'd be worse. And with no pain medications, I felt like I did well.

So I had a tentative date of June 27th which would have been next week! YIKES! I was bummed when I hung-up with my dr. office Tuesday saying no go on June 27th. Once again that pesky insurance throws a monkey wrench in my plans! However I am offically scheduled for July 23rd. I am at peace with this date...now. Not so much at first. But this date has meaning. On July 24th of 2011 my brother died while on vacation here in TX. He LOVED TX and was a true Texan eventhough he was born and raised in NC. He LOVED texas country music, the longhorns, his room was TX decor. Obsessed with Walker Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris was his hero. (We personally thought all this was strange lol) So it was kinda funny I ended up married to a texan and moved here. My family didn't want me to move but he was excited because then he could come visit me in the great state of Texas! Anyway off topic! July 23rd was the last time he was awake and responsive and the last time I felt him squeeze my hand and look at me in my eyes. It was also the day I realized in my heart that he was not going to make it and my time with him was short. He knew that day too that he was going to die. It is the date that has caused anxiety and stress. Since that date my memories of my brother have been that last few days replayed over and over. On top of that my mom and daughter (who will be visiting my mom in NC from July3-July 23rd) will be flying in that day too. Another stressor. So all this stuff around my surgery date had me questioning if it was such a good idea. Then this thought popped in my head. It was my brother's voice saying it was all ok. July 23rd is my rebirth day. Before 2011 that date was just another day. Since then that date causes pain and reliving those 3 days in hospital with my brother and watching him take his last breath. I have mourned him since that day and I kinda stopped living my full life. I just exsisted. i forgot all the good memories of my brother. (back story, My brother and I were very close. I was his second mama. No one was as close to him other than our mother. He had down syndrome and we were nearly four years apart. Adam was truly an angel here on Earth! Losing him that day felt like I had lost one of my children. It was tough) So even though that date makes my heart heavy it will hold a new meaning. The day I finally took control of my life. Adam thank you for being here with us those short 26 years and on July 23rd I know you will be looking down from heaven and watching over us all that day, keeping us safe and cheering me on. July 23rd will no longing be a day of mourning but of rebirth. I know he wants us to remember all the good and not focus a just a few bad memories. Even in death he still influences my life and can bring sunshine when I thought it was going to rain. Funny how life is and how things seem to work out. Happy Friday y'all!

So I just got my surgery date! Well it is tenative...the hospital has to confirm they have the OR available that day. Ofcourse in true Shannon fashion...the scheduler is out today and you know doctors arent going to do the scheduler's job and make that call! But it is JUNE 27th! That is like not even a full 2 weeks away! CRAZY! She had me worried I wouldn't be getting my surgery for months. She said, "Well how soon are you looking to have the surgery?" I said lets go right NOW! She then said, "Well my schedule is so full right now. We have opened up July and August books". I am thinking, oh great I will have to wait until August or longer. She then said, "Well if you want first available I have the 27th open but not sure OR is available". I said, "August or July 27th?" She said, "No no no this month". I nearly fell off the table. She said, "If OR doesnt have a room she should be able to get me in first week or 2 in July no problem". YAY! So excited and freaking scared! I already have been measured, weighed, my before pic taken and have my scripts for zofran and liquid pain meds for when I get home! This is happening! She also informed me to not start the liver shrinking diet until the OR is booked for sure. I said what if it is not a full two weeks when I find out. She said no problem that she more worried about that in patients who have high liver levels, or are over 50 BMI. She seems confident that my liver will be just fine and a full week to be safe will be enough. I am so excited and scared to freaking death all rolled up in one! But I think I will be fine I heard my feel good song today on the radio as I was leaving the Dr. office (Three Little Birds...has a special meaning for me and lets me know I am where I need to be) which is random b/c 1 I NEVER listen to the radio hardly ever but my ipod was dead and 2 radio here in good ole TX hardly ever plays Bob Marley, even the cool hipster Austin stations. Funny and kinda childish but that was my sign, "that every little thing goin be alright"! Happy Friday Y'all!

So I just got my surgery date! Well it is tenative...the hospital has to confirm they have the OR available that day. Ofcourse in true Shannon fashion...the scheduler is out today and you know doctors arent going to do the scheduler's job and make that call! But it is JUNE 27th! That is like not even a full 2 weeks away! CRAZY! She had me worried I wouldn't be getting my surgery for months. She said, "Well how soon are you looking to have the surgery?" I said lets go right NOW! She then said, "Well my schedule is so full right now. We have opened up July and August books". I am thinking, oh great I will have to wait until August or longer. She then said, "Well if you want first available I have the 27th open but not sure OR is available". I said, "August or July 27th?" She said, "No no no this month". I nearly fell off the table. She said, "If OR doesnt have a room she should be able to get me in first week or 2 in July no problem". YAY! So excited and freaking scared! I already have been measured, weighed, my before pic taken and have my scripts for zofran and liquid pain meds for when I get home! This is happening! She also informed me to not start the liver shrinking diet until the OR is booked for sure. I said what if it is not a full two weeks when I find out. She said no problem that she more worried about that in patients who have high liver levels, or are over 50 BMI. She seems confident that my liver will be just fine and a full week to be safe will be enough. I am so excited and scared to freaking death all rolled up in one! But I think I will be fine I heard my feel good song today on the radio as I was leaving the Dr. office (Three Little Birds...has a special meaning for me and lets me know I am where I need to be) which is random b/c 1 I NEVER listen to the radio hardly ever but my ipod was dead and 2 radio here in good ole TX hardly ever plays Bob Marley, even the cool hipster Austin stations. Funny and kinda childish but that was my sign, "that every little thing goin be alright"! Happy Friday Y'all!

So I just got my surgery date! Well it is tenative...the hospital has to confirm they have the OR available that day. Ofcourse in true Shannon fashion...the scheduler is out today and you know doctors arent going to do the scheduler's job and make that call! But it is JUNE 27th! That is like not even a full 2 weeks away! CRAZY! She had me worried I wouldn't be getting my surgery for months. She said, "Well how soon are you looking to have the surgery?" I said lets go right NOW! She then said, "Well my schedule is so full right now. We have opened up July and August books". I am thinking, oh great I will have to wait until August or longer. She then said, "Well if you want first available I have the 27th open but not sure OR is available". I said, "August or July 27th?" She said, "No no no this month". I nearly fell off the table. She said, "If OR doesnt have a room she should be able to get me in first week or 2 in July no problem". YAY! So excited and freaking scared! I already have been measured, weighed, my before pic taken and have my scripts for zofran and liquid pain meds for when I get home! This is happening! She also informed me to not start the liver shrinking diet until the OR is booked for sure. I said what if it is not a full two weeks when I find out. She said no problem that she more worried about that in patients who have high liver levels, or are over 50 BMI. She seems confident that my liver will be just fine and a full week to be safe will be enough. I am so excited and scared to freaking death all rolled up in one! But I think I will be fine I heard my feel good song today on the radio as I was leaving the Dr. office (Three Little Birds...has a special meaning for me and lets me know I am where I need to be) which is random b/c 1 I NEVER listen to the radio hardly ever but my ipod was dead and 2 radio here in good ole TX hardly ever plays Bob Marley, even the cool hipster Austin stations. Funny and kinda childish but that was my sign, "that every little thing goin be alright"! Happy Friday Y'all!

http://www.stuff.co....r-says-shes-fat
 
Dear Mum,
 
I was seven when I discovered that you were fat, ugly and horrible. Up until that point I had believed that you were beautiful - in every sense of the word. I remember flicking through old photo albums and staring at pictures of you standing on the deck of a boat. Your white strapless bathing suit looked so glamorous, just like a movie star. Whenever I had the chance I'd pull out that wondrous white bathing suit hidden in your bottom drawer and imagine a time when I'd be big enough to wear it; when I'd be like you.
But all of that changed when, one night, we were dressed up for a party and you said to me, ''Look at you, so thin, beautiful and lovely. And look at me, fat, ugly and horrible.''
At first I didn't understand what you meant.
''You're not fat,'' I said earnestly and innocently, and you replied, ''Yes I am, darling. I've always been fat; even as a child.''
 
In the days that followed I had some painful revelations that have shaped my whole life. I learned that:
1. You must be fat because mothers don't lie.
2. Fat is ugly and horrible.
3. When I grow up I'll look like you and therefore I will be fat, ugly and horrible too.
Years later, I looked back on this conversation and the hundreds that followed and cursed you for feeling so unattractive, insecure and unworthy. Because, as my first and most influential role model, you taught me to believe the same thing about myself.
With every grimace at your reflection in the mirror, every new wonder diet that was going to change your life, and every guilty spoon of ''Oh-I-really-shouldn't'', I learned that women must be thin to be valid and worthy. Girls must go without because their greatest contribution to the world is their physical beauty.
 
Just like you, I have spent my whole life feeling fat. When did fat become a feeling anyway? And because I believed I was fat, I knew I was no good.
But now that I am older, and a mother myself, I know that blaming you for my body hatred is unhelpful and unfair. I now understand that you too are a product of a long and rich lineage of women who were taught to loathe themselves.
Look at the example Nanna set for you. Despite being what could only be described as famine-victim chic, she dieted every day of her life until the day she died at 79 years of age. She used to put on make-up to walk to the letterbox for fear that somebody might see her unpainted face.
 
I remember her ''compassionate'' response when you announced that Dad had left you for another woman. Her first comment was, ''I don't understand why he'd leave you. You look after yourself, you wear lipstick. You're overweight - but not that much.''
Before Dad left, he provided no balm for your body-image torment either.
 
''Jesus, Jan,'' I overheard him say to you. ''It's not that hard. Energy in versus energy out. If you want to lose weight you just have to eat less.''
That night at dinner I watched you implement Dad's ''Energy In, Energy Out: Jesus, Jan, Just Eat Less'' weight-loss cure. You served up chow mein for dinner. (Remember how in 1980s Australian suburbia, a combination of mince, cabbage, and soy sauce was considered the height of exotic gourmet?) Everyone else's food was on a dinner plate except yours. You served your chow mein on a tiny bread-and-butter plate.
As you sat in front of that pathetic scoop of mince, silent tears streamed down your face. I said nothing. Not even when your shoulders started heaving from your distress. We all ate our dinner in silence. Nobody comforted you. Nobody told you to stop being ridiculous and get a proper plate. Nobody told you that you were already loved and already good enough. Your achievements and your worth - as a teacher of children with special needs and a devoted mother of three of your own - paled into insignificance when compared with the centimetres you couldn't lose from your waist.
 
It broke my heart to witness your despair and I'm sorry that I didn't rush to your defence. I'd already learned that it was your fault that you were fat. I'd even heard Dad describe losing weight as a ''simple'' process - yet one that you still couldn't come to grips with. The lesson: you didn't deserve any food and you certainly didn't deserve any sympathy.
 
But I was wrong, Mum. Now I understand what it's like to grow up in a society that tells women that their beauty matters most, and at the same time defines a standard of beauty that is perpetually out of our reach. I also know the pain of internalising these messages. We have become our own jailors and we inflict our own punishments for failing to measure up.
 
No one is crueler to us than we are to ourselves.
But this madness has to stop, Mum. It stops with you, it stops with me and it stops now. We deserve better - better than to have our days brought to ruin by bad body thoughts, wishing we were otherwise.
 
And it's not just about you and me any more. It's also about Violet. Your granddaughter is only 3 and I do not want body hatred to take root inside her and strangle her happiness, her confidence and her potential. I don't want Violet to believe that her beauty is her most important asset; that it will define her worth in the world. When Violet looks to us to learn how to be a woman, we need to be the best role models we can. We need to show her with our words and our actions that women are good enough just the way they are. And for her to believe us, we need to believe it ourselves.
 
The older we get, the more loved ones we lose to accidents and illness. Their passing is always tragic and far too soon. I sometimes think about what these friends - and the people who love them - wouldn't give for more time in a body that was healthy. A body that would allow them to live just a little longer. The size of that body's thighs or the lines on its face wouldn't matter. It would be alive and therefore it would be perfect.
Your body is perfect too. It allows you to disarm a room with your smile and infect everyone with your laugh. It gives you arms to wrap around Violet and squeeze her until she giggles. Every moment we spend worrying about our physical ''flaws'' is a moment wasted, a precious slice of life that we will never get back.
 
Let us honour and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. Focus on living healthy and active lives, let our weight fall where it may, and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs. When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago, my innocent young eyes saw the truth. I saw unconditional love, beauty and wisdom. I saw my Mum.
Love, Kasey xx
 
This is an excerpt from Dear Mum, a collection of letters from Australian sporting stars, musicians, models, cooks and authors revealing what they would like to say to their mothers before it's too late, or would have said if only they'd had the chance.
All royalties go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. Published by Random House and available now.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!! ( Picking up mic) I want to take moment and thank God.... LOL!!! No seriously THANK YOU GOD ALMIGHTY!!! I was so worried about complications, infections, leaks and most of all FAILING!! To be at this point right now in my journey, I can safely say I DID IT!!!! I have been the same weight for the past six weeks or so. Going up and down two pounds. But strangely enough I don't care. The scale doesn't bother me. I am content with the way I feel, the way I look and life and general.
 
I WAS OFFERED A NEW POSITION AT WORK AND I AM LOOKING INTO GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!
 
Life is great and amazing and I am living again....
 
next goal: A BABY
 
PS. 1st Pic: on the left was taken Dec 2011. Picture on the right was taken 5/24/13
2nd Pic: Left was taken hours post surgery. Right was taken 5/25/13

I've finally completed all of my insurance req's and am now awaiting approval. Since I've completed my requirements I guess this entire process has become really 'real' to me and it scared me. I kept asking myself if I really NEEDED this surgery...why couldn't I lose wieght on my own? Am I being lazy and taking the easy way out? Is it worth putting myself under the knife and having major surgery when I'm already too lazy to eat right and exercise? Am I wasting my family's money by having surgery? etc, etc, etc.
Well tonight my sweet 5 year old ittle girl innocently made a statement that first broke my heart and then made me realize without a doubt this surgery is the right thing for me.
We were driving home and she asked what would happen if I started to drown (We have a pool and swim a lot. I used to teach swim lessons and water safety, so water safety is REALLY important to me). I said, "Well, if I was truly drowning and couldn't get out, hopefully someone would help me out of the water." She replied (Here's where my heart broke...) "But Mommy, you're so big. How would they be able to pull you out? You're too heavy." And THEN she tried to backtrack...that broke my heart even more. She shouldn't have to worry about what she says to me and if it hurts my feelings. She shouldn't have to try to change what she said to make me feel better - - she's FIVE!
AND THAT DID IT FOLKS. I almost broke down in tears right there in my car. I can hide from cameras, I can hide from the mirror. I can ignore the fact that my clothes are too tight I can hardly zip my pants. I can look past my double chin. I can choose to not look at my stretch marks. I can ignore being breathless just from walking from my car to my house. I can not pay attention to the fact that I now have to undo my top button to my jeans when sitting at my desk because it is digging in to my stomach. I can pop another blood pressure pill and ignore my high blood pressure...
But I cannot ignore the fact that my kids notice I'm overweight and that kills me. I guess up until then I knew I was wayyyyy too heavy but since no one else would address it I could go on my merry-way and ignore it. But there's no ignoring it anymore. I have to do something more powerful than myself so that I can stop living a hollow life and stop living in the shadows, hoping no one addresses the fact that I am unhealthy. The heck with the fact that I am so unattractive anymore, I am unhealthy and am not the role model that my kids deserve.
So I'm having this surgery.
I don't care how it happens, I need this surgery. I need to lose weight. I need to get healthy. I need to start caring about myself. I need to start caring about my family and their future - - with ME in it.

I'm Tammy (or Flutterby - the original name for a butterfly... )
 
I'm 45 yrs old, 5'8" tall. I weigh 295 lbs. My BMI is at 44.8. My first goal is 170 lbs. Ultimate goal is 137 lbs.
 
I've struggled with my weight since my second child was born about 23 years ago. I tend to gain weight all over. Well, except my bust area (strange). However, in the last several years I have gained more in my belly. I look like I'm about eight months pregnant... Uggghh! Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and I adore being a mother, but I’m not having any more children and I’m ready to be able to lose all MY baby fat. The baby fat may have stayed with me, but I added a whole person’s weight to it. I need to lose half of my weight – a whole person’s worth. Only those who have been here understand how much that realization can hurt and disgust me.
 
I have tried to lose weight by diet, exercise, supplements and programs just like so many others here. From Slim Fast, Cabbage Soup Diet, Herbal Life, fasting up to two weeks at a time,, Atkins, Low Calorie, Juicing Diets, Wheat Belly Diet, Gluten Free Diet, Gaps Diet, Hallelujah Diet, Mediterranean diet, Paleo Diet, HydroxiCut, Green Tea, many herbal supplements, OTC aids, a short span on prescription diet meds and thyroid medication and using vinegar as a diet aid. As I think about it, losing weight been a driving desire/force in my life since I turned 23. The endless weight loss/exercise and health-related books and internet ideas and “snake oil” type cures, well I’ve researched and attempted many of those as well.
 
I've tried exercise alone, or in combination with diet plans. I've used 10 to 12 different exercise videos both aerobic and weight lifting combined with aerobics, walking, swimming, biking, stationary machines, free weights, machines like elliptical, treadmill, stationary bikes, etc.
 
My results were sporadic and frustrating. I could stay with a weight loss or "get healthy" plan for months, sometimes even three years at a time but when I failed to lose weight at all or stalled with 10 or 15 pounds loss with hard work and high cost to sustain, I would slowly go back to eating my "normal diet". “Going back to my old ways” basically meant 70% healthy choices and still incorporating something new I learned, but I would stop resisting the dessert, the chips and dip, the popcorn with butter. I think the "extras" and "snacks" are one of my biggest weaknesses. I’ve also noticed in the last few months that I really do eat big portions especially when alone. I keep cooking for a big family and it’s only me and my teenage daughter at home to eat right now.
 
No matter what, my weight has continued to climb the last 23 years. I get so sick of my failure to be able to control it or change it. Several times I have resigned myself to being fat. But as I got bigger and older, other things started happening to my health and I realized how much it affected my family and my ability to actually live life like I longed to.
 
I kept thinking there had to be a "key" or a certain combination of things that would magically get my health back under control and I'd start losing weight. I had a sleep study done and found out I had severe obstructive sleep apnea. I was full of hope that using a CPAP would solve my problems because obviously I wasn't sleeping well with meant I wasn't getting proper rest. This in turn, I thought, surely meant it affected my metabolism and maybe perpetuated the problems with my weight.
 
 
I considered that since I started gaining excess weight when my first marriage got emotionally and mentally and sexually abusive I might have been trying to be less desirable to protect myself from my husband at the time. I just wanted to be safe. I could write out that long story here, but suffice to say I got out of the marriage finally, after 16 years.
 
What is frustrating is that even the strength and self esteem and “new lease on life” I gained by getting out of that marriage didn’t translate into the weight loss I should have or wanted to have and continued to try to have.
 
So, was my weight gain or inability to lose it initially due to the stress of the bad marriage that involved sexual abuses? Maybe, maybe not. More likely it was also genetics and environmental (how I was raised nutritionally). Both my parents are obese and have struggled most of their adult lives trying to lose weight and now dealing with health problems related to being overweight.
 
However I got here, I’m here. And I am so thankful and grateful that things have worked out for me to have this surgery. It’s such an answer to prayer and a dream come true. Honestly, I want this personally, but doing it for my family is a super-close second!
 
One thing I am appreciative of is that I’ve probably learned enough about nutrition, vitamins, food, feeding a body, metabolism, weight gain concepts, healthy living and very interesting discoveries about foods like kefir, kombucha, barley green, apple cider vinegar, good water, food supplements, and the benefits of grass fed beef, range fed chickens & their eggs, and home grown vegetables to write my own book. However, since I’m having weight loss surgery – I doubt it would be deemed worthy of contributing to my health. It’s sad, but true. True because all these things didn’t “work” to help me lose weight. However, I do believe with all my heart that all I have learned will continue to be super valuable to feed my body right after I’m sleeved!
 
 
My mantra has been, “If I don’t put myself first for once and lose the weight and get healthy, how can I be what my family needs me to be?” How can I truly give and serve and support and enjoy in my marriage and our children’s lives unless I first take care of me? Initially weight loss surgery can seem selfish and irresponsible. Only initially! In all truth, it is smart and right for me because it is what lines up with my vision of my future.

So this is my first blog ever.
I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.

Ok so I am nearly done with my pre-op stuff. I hate that my surgeon will not schedule until all things have been done. Oh well. I was getting so worked up over all this stuff I nearly quit so many times ( I mean I have been on this journey for over a year). You can see my frustration in past blogs. Well this random quote came across and I love it and needed to hear it. "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen now! ( that is me, me, me, to a T) Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's time." It is so true. I am not a super Christian by any means but my faith has always been with God. Everything always works out the way it should for good or bad and I need to let go of things that I cannot control. Funny how one little saying can snap us back to reality and clear things up! By this time next week I will be waiting (well if that crazy psy doc doesn't derail me. hehehe...but for real he is one egg short of sanity) for my very last appointment with my surgeon to schedule my surgery. After all this and I get my date I am sure the reality that I am about get my guts ripped out for the sake of weight loss will hit me. I still can't believe that I am really going to do this! I mean that mostly in a excited good way!
One last random thought...I think I may break out the kiddie pool and get some sun this weekend. It is going to be in the 90s! Perfect pool weather. Tan fat looks better than white fat. Well atleast mine does!

As some may know, I have been trying for WLS since August of 2005. Finally my time came and I was sleeved. I was a very active member on ObesityHelp until I found this site. Enjoy the info and videos...
 
The word bougie means "candle" in French. "F or FR/Fr" following a bougie size=French
 
Its just a guide that the surgeon uses to butt the stapler up against, when forming your VSG. The closer s/he gets to the guide the 'tighter' /truer to guide the sleeve is. During surgery the bougie is inserted into your mouth down your throat, towards the end of yer stomach where it meets the pylorus via an esophageal dilator. After the new stomach is formed, the bougie/guide is removed out of your mouth, possibly why some VSGrs complain of a sore throat post op.
 
 
Some surgeons will use an endoscope or other "guide" to size ones new stomach. I read an OH post of a VSGr who's surgeon explained an endoscope is the same size as a 32F bougie...Im not sure.
 
Bougie size determination is between YOU and YOUR surgeon. Discuss size, rationale for size chosen, type bougie and technique used when sizing your new stomach........ PRE-OP!!
 
Some surgeons may "oversew" the staple line giving one a 'tighter' than bougie sized sleeve.
In order for an "oversewn" staple line to affect stomach size it MUST be running or continuous oversewn suture line across majority of staple line not intermittent oversewn nor merely at intersected "junctures" where the surgeon has reloaded the staple gun as majority of "oversewn" techniques (to prevent leaks) are done today. Make sure your surgeon explains what his/her "oversewn" technique is. Do not assume because a surgeon "oversews" you have a tighter than bougie sized sleeve.
 
A bougie is 1/3 mm PER french. i.e to calculate ~ inches 40F bougie 1/3 x 40 = 13.33mm convert to inches = ~.52 inches or ~1/2 inch in diameter.
 
Below are diameters of bougie/ "guides" in inches
 
32F = .40"
 
34F = .425"
 
36F = .45"
 
38F = .476"
 
40F = .5"
 
46F = .576"
 
60F = .75"
 
 
Video 1
 
This VSG surgery video shows a 'red' 34F bougie, one technique in sizing stomach, exised stomach, testing for leaks etc
.http://www.orlive.co...eight-loss-surg ery-gastric-sleeve
Red bougies are older mercury filled ones. FDA is tryin to ban em because of disposal issues (mercury).
 
 
More surgeons will use SINGLE USE disposable sized bougies
 
Video 2
 
In this surgical video Dr. Alvarez shows a disposable 32F bougie and use/technique
 
 
~9-2012
In another Forum, this member's bougie pix is from hospital she works at 1st: 36F, 2nd: 38F on left, 32F on right

 
 
General/ crude comparison chart created by another Forum member


 
 
Standard sized bougies in the US and Mexico are 32F. 32F is the smallest guide a bariatric surgeon in the US may safely use in forming your sleeve. Your surgeon may prefer any size bougie from 32-50F, based on YOU, your height, weight, or perhaps the need for a malabsorptive procedure in the future, inc. 1st step of 2 part DS. Discuss what to expect, rationale for size chosen with your surgeon if this is a concern.
 
LapSF/Dr. Criangle on their routine use of 32F bougies in VSG "Optimal weight loss may require the smallest possible pouch, which may yield the highest leak rate" .
 
Some surgeons will welcome discussion and your input on bougie sizes. After reading a published journal on the higher incidence of VSG surgically induced GERD (acid reflux/heartburn) in use of 28-32F bougies, it may be wise to request a higher bougie size. However, like all surgeries, we will need years of data to support whether or not this claim is actually true.
 
The History of using Bougies
 
In 2000 the use of 50-60F bougies were standard for VSG when it became a stand alone WLS, as they were the standard sizes of DS bougies, which VSG was modeled after. As the years went by, bariatric surgeons thought..smaller bougie, better restriction, less regain. So in ~2005 an adopted 32F bougie became the VSG standard. Rarely, if ever are 28-30F or 50F and over bougies used in the US for VSG as stand alone anymore. Many many VSGrs do EXTREMELY well with 40F-48F bougies as the guide to sizing their new stomach, losing all the weight they need to.
 
In 2008 study (small poll 135 pts) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 6 mos and 12 mos post VSG .... 40F and 60F bougies with no significant difference in EWL (eventual weight loss) 2008 Bougie Size Comparison
 
In 2009 study (a large poll) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 5 years post VSG ... 32F and 44F bougies show exactly the same EWL (eventual weight loss) 2009 Bougie Size Comparison
 
In 2012/13 study (a very large poll) on Bougie Sizes in VSG seems to indicate at 3 years post VSG, a LESS than 40F bougie and GREATER than 40F bougie show no difference whatsoever in EWL (excess weight loss) 2012/13 Bougie Size Comparisons
 
 
VOLUME/GASTRIC CAPACITY in VSG:
 
PRE VSG: Average stomach holds 32-48 oz or 4 to 6 cups per meal
POST VSG (~6-8 months out FOR LIFE) ..new stomach holds 8-12 ozs or 1 to 1.5 cups per meal
(depending on weight/density of foods you eat! can be much less or much more)
 
The length of an adult stomach is 10-12 inches. DNA affects the length of our stomachs, as well as variations in shape. Tall people, for instance are known to have longer stomachs..so makes sense they have a bit more capacity, short people have shorter stomachs therefore less capacity.... so volume/capacity can be influenced by the length and physical anatomical variations of an individual's stomach.
 
Dr. Alvarez explains in this You Tube video about length of an individual's VSG stomach and how it relates
to volume.
 
This limited 2009 study is interesting in looking at gastric capacity in VSG,
just 3 days post op (120 ml=~1/2 cup) compared to 2 years post VSG (250 ml=~1 cup)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19533260
 
At the end (8:28 mark) of this LapSF VSG surgical video shows 1 DAY old (pod) sleeve Xray and a sleeve Xray at 4 years out. It is not clear to me if same pt. or solely to impress the new "normal" sleeve size. Note the "new normal" 32F tightly formed sleeve has dilated/stretched naturally to perhaps triple in size...The video also shows one technique of sizing the sleeve, as well as reinforcement of the staple line (to prevent leaks)
 
This VSG video shows the speed with which LIQUIDS/FLUIDS empty from the sleeve. In normal stomachs fluid empty rate is 5 minutes or less due to space creating a reservoir for large volumes of fluids. In VSG stomachs: fluid empty rate looks MUCH faster than that... youdecide!
 
The COTTAGE CHEESE TEST /CCT (link following) may be helpful to VSGrs that are curious about their new stomachs capacity. It was developed for RNY but an effective tool in VSG as well! I'd suggest waiting until you are on a regular diet before checking. When doing this test PLEASE eat to sensation of satiety - no longer hungry, and absolutely not full.
 
A simpler method, following the basic guidelines and time frame in the link provided... is to place 1 level cup (8oz) of small curd cottage cheese in a bowl and eat from that. Using a measured tablespoon to eat any remaining cottage cheese from the original container. Add or subtract any cottage cheese eaten or not finished using the measured tablespoon. 2 TBS=1oz. Total...the amount consumed = your sleeve's capacity.
http://www.bsciresourcecenter.com/proddetail.php?prod=A4
 
 
STRETCHING in VSG:
 
YOU CANNOT STRETCH/DILATE out your sleeve to anything remotely close to its original size.
 
From LapSF/Dr. Criangle: The removed section of the stomach is actually the portion that stretches the most. The long vertical tube shaped stomach that remains is the portion least likely to expand over time and it creates significant resistance to volumes of food.
 
The fundus (inc. majority of stomachs 'body' up to pyloric canal) of the stomach is ALL but removed with VSG.
The fundus is the upper most part of the stomach's greater curvature. The fundus is:
1) the stomach's stretchy/expandable tissue, capable of expanding 2-3xs its resting 'unfilled' size
2) the pre-op 'mass quantities' of food, waiting to be digested, storage section
3) where 70% of the body's grehlin a "hunger hormone" is produced.
 
 
 
Stretching, due to overeating is most common in RNY because more of the stretchy fundus part of the stomach is retained to make the 'pouch', and is usually NOT covered by insurance to correct. Re-sleeving or a need for a malabsorptive surgery post VSG may or may NOT be covered by your insurance plan.
 
Anecdotally, Ive read from select OH VSG members, or according to a/their particular surgeon..overeating will cause your sleeve to stretch out. Ive read/found no scientific data, published or otherwise, to date that says this is a TRUE statement.
 
Since food stays in our stomach less than ~ 3 hours after a meal..common sense tells me food doesn't stay in our stomachs long enough to create 'stretching'. Food once ingested, immediately begins to be churned into a liquidy sludge called chyme through peristalsis in the stomach. This liquidy sludge must be small enough to pass through our very small pyloric valve and into the small intestine for further digestion /breakdown and absorption of 'micronutritents' ...so there cannot be enough pressure for long sustained periods of time in our stomachs to cause it to stretch.
 
 
Post op VSG ... depending upon the amount of swelling/inflammation you have..even a little 'thick/er' dense liquids or pureed foods/mushies may or may not feel restrictive, as you pass through the progression of texture dietary phases ( to promote healing) and onto your regular diet ~2mos post op. ... swelling/inflammation has naturally reduced. Density of meals becomes a key player in restriction. By 1 year out you'll find you can eat more than you could at 2 days post op, at 2 weeks post op, 2 months post op, and 6 months post op. Your sleeve has naturally and fully matured.
Depending on the food..you can eat more or less than the 8-12 oz capacity of a fully matured sleeve.......at any particular meal.
 
Toleration of a food, does NOT make it a good choice!
"just because I CAN...doesn't mean I DO"
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bougie size controversy/wars are ridiculous imo.. 'get a smaller one, you can stretch it out, you're not going to have any restriction, that bigger one is all wrong, you'll re-gain easily years out, my surgeon made mine smaller and I got to goal in 6 months'
...all nonsense DO NOT PAY EM NO MIND!! This is YOUR story! YOUR journey!
 
 
ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS TRUTH:
 
YOUR WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SIZE OF YOUR STOMACH, altered or not!
 
Most important is the quantity and quality of the food choices you ingest post-op

Ok this week has been a doozy. I have been so busy with life and then on top of that trying to get all this pre-op appointments behind me. I had to cancel my last f/u with my psy to go to a NUT appt. I couldn't do both so I had to make a choice. Damn work! Anyway it is how it goes sometimes. So now I am rescheduled on June 5th! Really that feels like a lifetime away. I will never get a surgery date!
I have had hurdle after hurdle to get this surgery and it has me questioning my choice again. I know this is right but then there is this little voice saying maybe all this is a sign. (Damn little voice...bet it's my stomach! I have been depriving it of junk and refined sugar!) Plus at my psy computer test the Dr. said, "You arent that big. I can't believe you are considering surgery. Yes on paper you are obese but you carry it well."(thanks I guess but I don't feel that way and my joints and lungs don't like it either) Then again yesterday the NUT said, "Are you sure you can't lose the weight without surgery you don't have too much to lose. Surgery is a lifetime change. Most of our patients are 350+. " Um hello people my BMI is 41 I need to lose a little over 100 pounds to be within a normal BMI. Plus if I keep on my track I will be one of those patients in 10 years! I thought after being apporved by insurance the hurdles would stop. But they don't.
So I thought I made peace with this little voice. Then today my PCP office called and informed me their lab no longer accepts Quest and I would have to pay 350.00 up front or go get the blood work done at Quest. The nearest Quest is 45 minutes away. Really?! If I was just honest with my employer I could get my labs and EKG done here. So I am making this so much harder on myself and the voice is back. I really don't want to have to go to my boss and admit that while my gallbladder is being removed so is 80% of my stomach and that is why I am having so many appts. I work at a drs office so I am sure they are on to me. Gallbladder surgery doesn't require all I have gone through. I feel like I am being pushed to my limit. I have had atleast 1 appt every week for over a month now and I feel like they are all saying the same thing. Madness! Plus the co-pays and PTO!
On the bright side I have surprisingly not "cheated" on my low-carb diet. I have had to talk myself out of eating a candy bar a few times! One was last night I had it unwrapped and everything. I threw it away then looked at it in the trash (almost a Senfield moment). But I conquered! woohoo!
Anyway...I am not the only one who is going through this and I have to remember that. It will all be ok...right? So how did y'all deal with the stress leading up to surgery? How did you handle the appts. and work with your boss?
 
TGIfreakingF!

I had my 3rd nutrition appointment yesterday and I am scared! I KNOW that the benefits outweigh the stuff I’m going to have to give up, I just need to get these thoughts on to paper…maybe that will help. I’m feeling guilty that I’m even having these thoughts because I want this surgery so badly. I worry that if I’m having these thoughts am I going to fail, or is this what everyone else thinks prior to surgery and this is normal???
Here is what worries me. One of the things she said was after surgery, don’t drink water (or any other beverage) 30 minutes before, don’t drink during and don’t drink an hour after a meal. When I asked why she said that water speeds up the digestion process and will cause your teeny stomach to digest even faster, which will make you hungry earlier. Makes sense, but I don’t like it! I ALWAYS drink water with my meals, always. I know that in the grand-scheme of things not drinking water at a meal isn’t a big deal…for a few meals, but for the rest of my life???
next is eating meat. She said that after surgery a lot of people can’t really digest meat any longer. She also said that meat isn’t really all that great for you (I’ve heard this before) so that it’s really not a big deal. Well I know health-wise it’s not a big deal, but after having such a love-affair with food for so long, I worry that I will be sad when I can’t order a nice, juicy steak. It’s easy to say something isn’t a ‘big deal’ when you’re not an addict. I’m a food addict. Everything when it comes to food is a ‘big deal’.
Portion sizes. She said that your portion size goes down to like the size of the palm of your hand. Holy cow. I don’t eat to be “full” I eat, and eat and eat because I like the flavor of food…to only be able to eat that small of a portion….will I regret having this surgery and will that in turn make me miserable?
I WANT to give up needing the comfort of food. I WANT to not overeat any time I sit down to a meal. I want to have something stronger than ME controlling what I put in to my mouth because I just can’t control what I eat at times. I’ve tried so hard and after a few weeks of great will power I succumb and let weeks of good choices go down the drain in a few meals. I know that on the outside looking in these are all really stupid reasons to be concerned. I know that when I read them tomorrow I will look at them and wonder what I was thinking. But right now, today, right in this moment I wonder if the fact that I’m having these thoughts means that I am not in the right place, mentally to have the surgery. Ugh, this sucks! I guess yesterday in talking about everything it just hit me hard that once I have this there’s no going back. Don’t get me wrong - - once I leave this fat, unhealthy body I don’t WANT to go back to where I am right now…it’s just so final and official.
I HATE FOOD AND THE CONTROL IT HAS OVER ME!!! I hate the fact that I am doing things to my body that I know if it continues will kill me, yet I am questioning letting it go...I hate this. I think for the first time in my life I am feeling what a drug-user feels! The 'knowing' that you need to give something up, yet the longing for the relationship and comfort that it gives. Not cool, not wanted and not welcome in my brain!

Good morning!
After a solid week of battling the same damn pound, I dropped it Monday, and two more since then It is a great and rewarding feeling to get on the scale and see those changes. It makes the extra time it took to dig out a weight watchers recipe and cook versus grabbing fast food that much more rewarding. The weather is finally breaking here in Michigan, and it's beautiful out!! Can't wait to get out and walk every single day again- I miss it sooooo much!
I'm back horseback riding again, which wasn't something I had given up due to my weight or anything...but I kind of see now, looking back, I gave up a lot of stuff indirectly becuase of my weight. I didn't feel like going out, I wasn't in the mood, didn't have the energy, etc. I love getting out now- getting dressed and going out in the world. I'm almost to my 1/2 way point in my journey...down 49# total, with 56# more to go.
I'm excited to start seeing myself IN pictures with my kids, instead of just standing behind the camera all the time. I'm excited to get dressed and know that nobody is noticing me for what is or isn't showing- it's like an entirely new outlook on life. I have always had my weight weigh really heavily on my mental well-being and my attitude, so I'm glad to see as I shed pounds, my attitude changes, my life is better, and I'm so much happier!
 
Had to share some uplifting stuff today- I know that I haven't been on as much, and I want to be able to track my journey on here as well as maybe help someone out that is questioning if this is the right choice for them or not. I know everyone is different, but I would do this for myself 100xs over if I had to. I finally have my LIFE BACK
 
Have a great day y'all!

I am 7 days away from an 8 mile hike up to LeConte Lodge in Great Smoky Mountains National Park, 8 days away from hiking 5.5 miles down from that mountain, 9 days away from a 7 day vacation in Hawaii, and 32 days away from being sleeved. It is going to be an exciting month.
 
However, I have really struggled with the "food funeral". I have had binge like behavior for the past couple of weeks, and have basically let my "inner fat girl" have everything she wants, and the result of that...the added weight, the bloat, the heart burn, the sluggish "I just want to be lazy" feelings, etc have taken enough of a toll on me, and I have finally decided that enough is enough. It's time to start preparing my brain for what my body is about to go through.
 
Today I kind of gave the following talk to myself...
 
Dear Food,
 
You have always been there for me. You were there for me when I was alone in the evenings after school, you were there for me when people hurt my feelings, you were there when I was alone, you were there when I was rejected, when I was awarded, when I was celebrated. You were there through the loneliness of my teens when I didn't have any "real" friends..during the long hour and a half drive from my mom's to my dad's house when I started driving alone. You were there through my college years when boys rejected me, when the school work got hard and continued on into the night. You were there in my lonely apartment in my early 20's, and there when I went through the financial crisis which landed me back in my parent's house feeling defeated. You were there when I moved to a new state at 28 with my fiance' and I was stressed about leaving everything I knew and loved behind other than this one man. And you were there when my dad died of a heart attack at 57 (obesity related) one week after that move, and through the months that followed trying to get his estate finalized while living 500 miles away. You were there in the nervousness of my wedding, and of being a new bride. You were there through the stresses of every long day of every tax season, and then when I went out on my own as a bookkeeper. You have been there every evening to help me alleviate stress lately. You have been what I've looked forward to at the end of the day. You have comforted me, you have praised me, you have distracted me, you have brought me pleasure.
 
But you have also brought me pain. You have brought me "weight", literally. My bones hurt, my body aches, my feet are killing me, my back feels like it's in knots. My heart races these days with the slightest hill or stair case. You have made me depressed which caused me to ponder that death might be better than life when I feel I can't overcome your power. You are holding me back from my passions of the outdoors. I can hardly hike up hills these days without feeling like I'm going to die. My heel pain is just getting worse with every pound you add to my body. I don't feel sexy anymore... You are tearing apart my life and I'm only 32.
 
I thank you for having been there for me, but I think in order to have the best life I can, I'm going to have to part with you, or atleast part of you. God has brought other things into my life to take over the work you were doing all alone. I have a husband who can comfort me and celebrate me. I have friends who can help me to not be lonely and a bible study group to strengthen me when I'm feeling bad. I have a bike, a kayak, hiking boots and a backpack that will keep me entertained. I have a fantastic gym membership and a mini home gym that can keep me distracted from work when need be. I have kitties who can sooth me on lonely days when I need "love" (okay, my husband can do that too if he's not working late)
 
I will be okay with out large quantities of you. Our relationship is changing, and while I'll still partake of you, I need the best you, you have to give.... things that will make me strong and healthy instead of weak and lazy. The sugary things that I let sooth me have to go...perhaps one day I'll be able to enjoy a bite or two, but since you've turned me into a sugar addict, that day will be far away when I'm at goal and am finally in control.
 
Here's to change!
 
 
Tomorrow, I will start a low carb, 2 protein shakes a day (I have plenty of sample packets to choose from), and one protein + complex carb + either 1/2 a sweet potato or 1/2 cup cooked quinoa meal a day, food plan. I will get out of this sugar fog, and back into "the light". And I'll flush out the funk with lots of water and green tea. I'm ready to start my new life even though I am 32 days before surgery and am only required to do a 7 day low carb pre-op diet. I'm just ready! With my hike before Hawaii, and lots of hiking/walking planned in Hawaii (and fresh pineapple!!) I can stay on track until my surgery.
 
Wish me luck fellow pre op and post op sleevers! I appreciate you and your stories and questions more than you know!!
 
 
Edit: No need to suggest counseling...I've already been doing it for 5 months and will probably continue after surgery. I wish I could say it's helping with the mental stuff...but I don't see it.

So I have been through all the emotions scared unsure happy sad calm etc. I am sure I still have some to go. I can only imagine the days or week leading to surgery. I can tend to be doom and gloom when facing the unknown! Then the dreaded pre-op liquid diet! I get snappy when I am hungry and I am sure my family will just love me those 2 weeks. I have been researching, picking brains, and trying to get me ready for this for over a year. I can see the end. Last week when I was approved I thought, "FINALLY" then some strange feeling of panic, and sadness. This was it, it went from I want to have this surgery to I am having this surgery. I mulled over this panic and sadness for a week. I realize that I am scared of changing me (never knew I kinda co depended on fat me until I was faced with finally get rid of her). I am scared/panicky ofcourse of complications and death. I have two young children. I am scared that I may fail. So I have been sitting with these feelings for a week. I woke up today and I know I am on the right path. I am sure those doubts will rear their ugly heads as I near my sleeve date but I know this is right. No ones opinion or advice can change my mind. I got this. Well today I do! What a crazy journey! I also decided to stop the chaos and focus on what is going in my big mouth. I pretty much eat healthy meals it's the in between when I am hungry that gets me. I need to make wiser snack choices. So I'm back on the wagon so to speak. I am even going to replace a meal and snack with a protein shake. So we will see how this goes. Ever since I put in my paperwork I admit I have been having food funerals. So that madness HAS TO STOP! Those funerals are just adding guilt on top of all the other emotions I am having. I am back in control! Happy Monday to us all!

So I have been through all the emotions scared unsure happy sad calm etc. I am sure I still have some to go. I can only imagine the days or week leading to surgery. I can tend to be doom and gloom when facing the unknown! Then the dreaded pre-op liquid diet! I get snappy when I am hungry and I am sure my family will just love me those 2 weeks. I have been researching, picking brains, and trying to get me ready for this for over a year. I can see the end. Last week when I was approved I thought, "FINALLY" then some strange feeling of panic, and sadness. This was it, it went from I want to have this surgery to I am having this surgery. I mulled over this panic and sadness for a week. I realize that I am scared of changing me (never knew I kinda co depended on fat me until I was faced with finally get rid of her). I am scared/panicky ofcourse of complications and death. I have two young children. I am scared that I may fail. So I have been sitting with these feelings for a week. I woke up today and I know I am on the right path. I am sure those doubts will rear their ugly heads as I near my sleeve date but I know this is right. No ones opinion or advice can change my mind. I got this. Well today I do! What a crazy journey! I also decided to stop the chaos and focus on what is going in my big mouth. I pretty much eat healthy meals it's the in between when I am hungry that gets me. I need to make wiser snack choices. So I'm back on the wagon so to speak. I am even going to replace a meal and snack with a protein shake. So we will see how this goes. Ever since I put in my paperwork I admit I have been having food funerals. So that madness HAS TO STOP! Those funerals are just adding guilt on top of all the other emotions I am having. I am back in control! Happy Monday to us all!

So this is my first blog ever.
I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.

So this is my first blog ever.
I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.

Not really... my intro was written a few months ago and realized I had not published it. Yeah I am one smart cookie...which is funny I say that! So I have been lurking in the shadows of this site for over a year. Looking through all the forums, blogs, and my favorite before and after pics! While doing research aka lurking on this site I have been over the past year going to appt after freaking appt to meet my insurnance requirements for approval for sugery. I finally finished the 6 pcp visits in March and was approved for my surgery the last week of April! YAY right...well yeah so I thought! My surgeron has her own set of requirments which includes a psy eval. No biggie that's pretty standard. I schedule the appt. I am ready to get the show in the road and get my surgery scheduled. Well I go thinking okay this will be a breeze. Yeah not so much I have PMS which basically means I am one lifetime movie away from a good ugly cry and I am tired bloated and trying not to eat any chocolate. I need to reschedule but that will hold everything up. I find out in the first 5 minutes this is the first of 3 appts. Ok so I have to come back here and pay a co pay and miss more time off work. I say is there anyway we can make it all one big appt? No avail! So we procced. It starts out okay... standard questions do you eat when you are sad happy yada yada. Then he ask what is the saddest time in your life and were you ever depressed. I say when my brother died unexpectedly in July of 2011. (Side story we were on family vaca and he got sick and passed away 3 days later...I also had just found out I was pregnant. it was a crazy horrible time in my life) I was really close to him and plus being pregnant made my grief ten fold. I was honestly depressed for a few months but that is to be expected I was grieving. Well he keeps probbing about that and I begin to cry and cry and cry. Gotta love PMS! I get myself together and we move on. Then he ask have you ever done drugs or have you ever got drunk? Yeah I was a wild teenager I did both alot! Dammit Shannon you are falling for his tricks! More questions. Makes me think I am an addict. Which I am not! I haven't touch an illegal substance since I was 22 years old. I am 32 now. Did this guy ever here of experimenting sowing wild oats? I barely can finish off a glass of wine now. My patience with this guy is getting thin. He then ask have you ever been sexually/physically abused. I don't answer. I start to cry again...damn PMS! I really don't want to go there I said. It was a long time ago. He keeps on and on. I go into a little detail and he said I should talk to someone maybe a female psy dr about this. Ok whatever you think... moving on. (I am thinking he thinks I am nuts! ) Surely he has heard worse. I am emotionally mentally done! He then ask remember these words in this order. (insert 3 words) I am repeating them in my head. He then ask the date...I answer. Then who was the president of the US during the Civil War? What I don't know am I in history class now. (If I answer wrong will you not approve me for surgery?) Then what is the capital of Italy? I give him a look. I say why?...I don't know why are you asking me these things? He says just answer the questions. Rome. Yes he says now count backwards from 100 and minus 7 each time. I give a even more nasty look with an eye roll. 100....um 93 ummm 86 no thats not right. Look I am not good at math in my head. I cant do that I need a calculator. He then says I give you an easier one...count back from 30 minus 3 each time. Ok I am offically pissed now I feel like a emotional unstable, addict, who is dumb! Plus I have to meet with him after my computer test to go over his results. I swear if this quack does not approve me I will show him crazy for real! Well probalby not but I will be mad.