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I think for many of us part of our weight battle comes on as a result of some sort of sexual abuse. I too have my unhappy experiences. I had an uncle who although never touched me- he wanted me to touch him. He was a disgusting individual. I told my parents and they wouldn't let him babysit but... my mom was an alcoholic and nothing was more important to her then to go out to have a good time. When they were stuck for a babysitter- guess who they called. I was very young maybe 7 or 8 and I confronted them, but they wouldn't answer my question "I thought you wouldn't let him babysit me?" They wouldn't answer, me can you believe it? I knew at that young age I had no protection. I also remember a drinking buddy of my mom's daughter stayed over. I was around 11 and she told me about the sexual abuse she was experiencing at the hands of her own father. This girl kept saying "he wouldn't hurt me though, he only touches me" When I told my mother she said, "don't tell anyone, she is a bad girl" Honestly, when you think about it, it is just too heart breaking.

Monk: I am lost for words. You are amazing.

I guess I always tip for everything. I waitressed way back in the day, going thru school. Without those tips I wouldn't have been able to buy groceries. We shared our tips as well. Its pretty tough to try to survive without it. I'm a soft touch though.

Hi Monk: welcome to the thread. Your children are around the same age as mine (17, 20 & 22). I will be married 27 years in August. Feel free to vent here anytime. I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. Those cut pretty deep wounds. I sure hope that creep was punished. It sounds like you have a pretty good H and a solid marriage. Would your H ever talk to someone, do you think, about this sexual issue, maybe there is a deep rooted issue there?

Congratulations! I am envious. Just think in one month your life will be changing. I am mentally ready, I wish I was being banded with you. Best of luck, with you preop, when do you start?

Boo Boo: I know what you mean about pulling away. I just spent the last year doing that. I work away from home now and I have a small place close to work. I soaked in the quiet, away from all the issues during the week so I would have the strength to face everything again on the weekend. Stepping back away from being hurt and rejected, its a coping mechanism I think. I feel bad that you are going thru all this. I just came back from having dinner with a long time best friend. She has given me a name of a councelor. I am going to make an apt with him for just me. Then when the time is right I am going to bring my H, then my kids. It is time to take these steps for me, I'm ready. You will eventually get to that point to Boo Boo when you need to reach out for your own healing. Keep posting, I'll keep you in my prayers.

qvrfull: when do you get banded?

(ha ha oh my) I must say that test ride does conjure up some pretty graphic visions in my sex starved imagination. And this wasn't it! :nervous

Hi LeslieLee: I am so very excited. I feel that October is a life time away but I am sure it will get here soon enough. I would have booked sooner, but its alot to save for. I'm at my highest weight, so I'm looking forward to getting rid of it. P.S. I love your marching man on your ticker (pretty upbeat)

Hi faith: How are you feeling post surgery? I'm glad for the debate, I realized that we were all talking about the same thing, just using different wording. So that is pretty cool! Re Pets: don't you just love golden retrievers??? They are always laughing. I used to have 2 but they are both gone now. If I didn't travel so much I would have another. Now I have fish outside in my fountain. Unfortuntately, had 10 now 5. Each week I find a floater. So it is more of a downer when they greet me when I come home (I'm afraid to look) You get a much better welcome with a dog.

I am getting banded on Oct. 5. I am glad to hear all the positve reports. I don't have my preop info as yet. (bit too early) but what sort of preop and postop diets does Dr. Cobourn put his patients on?

<p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Are you saying that Ohip will pay for this for us?? How do you arrange this, did he tell you? I am getting banded in Oct. with Dr. Cobourn as well.</p>

Faith: how do your scars look now? And how are you feeling?

Faith: I see what you mean now. Sorry I missunderstood you. I agree that couples need to date for awhile before even bringing up the M word. I also feel that they need pre-marriage councelling. I wish that had been available to us before we married. We met at church but believe it or not, nothing was made available to us. We should have had some strong spiritual guidance. I doubt we would have gotten married then. If we had been instructed to wait and discuss things better... but that is the past. No sence getting into that now. Can't change it, that is for sure. But if someone told me would I do it again and then I think of my kids and how could I say no, they wouldn't have been born and they are beyond precious. I didn't grow up in a religeous home or even a good one. My mom was 17 when she had me and married my step-dad when I was 2, she was an alcoholic and died at 32. I guess two disfunctional people do not make one whole one.

Dear midwife: I agree about the test drive, it wouldn't have made any difference to my situation that I now find myself. But for those of us who want intimacy but our partners doesn't, it is hard. I have pushed and pushed. My H has put up so many defences to prevent me from asking for sex. He goes to bed before I do if he sees that I am busy with something. He is snoring (or pretending???) when I get into bed he is very annoyed if I wake him. If I go up before him he doesnt come up to bed for several hours later. The only time we have had sex, is when I out wait him and that was only occ. The few times we do get to bed at the same time is when we have been away and he still tries to wait for awhile, he has great excuses "I feel fluish" "I have had the worst headache" (ya believe it) "I threw my back out" He just turns his back on me and goes to sleep. I can't push anymore. I just can't. Now that we are talking, he says we made a mistake to get married, we should have had better counsel. He feels that he would have done fine as a single.

Thanks so much everyone. Sometimes I get so excited when I think about it I can hardly sit still. I feel like the kids did when they were small, how many sleeps and are we there yet!!! This is a great thread with so much support, I appreciate you ladies so very very much.

For me I think the sabotage will come financially. I am self pay 15,000. So far I have not told anyone in my family that I am saving for this. I have booked my date for Oct 5. My daughters know that I am considering it and have been researching it and that I went for a consult. I am going to save secretly. I will tell my H then. I know that sounds devious but our history is established. Anyone else have financial sabotage?

I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I paid my deposit on Thursday to hold my surgery date. Oct. 5 is the big day.

Right now I am 5'3 and I weigh 215 pds. I wear a size 16 or 18 petite in Laura Plus (I'm Canadian) and an x or 1x for a top. When I was 190 pds I still needed plus petite for pants but an xlarge in tops. I love all the lovely clothes in stores that don't cater for plus sizes. I can hardly wait. I'm getting banded Oct. 5. I'm excited. I never never want to ever go back to plus size stores again. I am not going to buy anything until after losing weight with banding. I don't even look in clothing stores anymore as I'm confident that it would be a waste of money. I always used to shop after summer for next year and buy up all the sales but not this year. :clap2:

What I do sometimes is write out my concerns. Then I rehearse it to myself. Then when I do talk to my H, I try not to get cornered as the one always at fault. My H plays the victim to perfection. It doesn't really work. I guess I have to live with the fact that it is all my fault and leave it at that. I have e-mailed my H with my concerns re my son and how he deals (or doesn't) deal with him. At least I can express my thoughts without being interrupted. Nothing changes though. I think now, it is all to late. We have been in these roles so long now that what ever little movement we try to make- the change doesn't stick.

Ghost: I know that must be hard with your mother. Maybe if you give your mom the hug this weekend and she gushes and cries and clings etc etc She just might get it out of her system once and for all and then the nice hugs can happen again. I have a real hugger child and I can cuddle and squeeze her and she loves it, a medium hugger and I can get a nice big bear hug from him- not too prolonged but a decent hug none the less. My oldest is a no hugger child, I get an itty bitty hug from her. I don't believe we should treat our children the same because they are not the same. The hugs I give to my kids are not just to meet my needs but their need for affection. If I tried to force my oldest to cuddle etc. then the only need I'm meeting is mine, not hers. As I write this I know that this also applies to my husband, over the years I have tried to force him to be affectionate, I would reach out to him to hug me etc and when it was too long he'd push me away, now he really dislikes it. Maybe I forced my need on him to much? Anyway Ghost, have a great weekend and try not to feel to guilty. As women we feel guilty about everything!

I agree with Faith that there is no perfect partner, no perfect relationship etc. because we are just people and none of us are perfect so we can't expect our mates to be. Please don't be offended but I personally don't think we should test drive people. (or try them on like clothes) I think too many people get wounded that way. Anyway, my luck with cars isn't great. They run great during the test drive and they drive great for awhile then stuff starts breaking. That sure is frustrating because now your committed to the darn car loan for the next 5 years anyway. I wanted to be a princess when I grew up. Now I'd like to have sex again before I die. Boy have my expectations been lowered or what????

Tracy: we are glad you posted. It is difficult to face a life without sex especially when we don't have to. Would he be willing to go for counceling to explore what is behind it all? For me it would be easier to accept if there was say a health reason why my H couldn't have sex. This wouldn't be rejection. But he doesn't have a health reason. He just doesn't desire me. That is rejection. I know the reasons why my H doesn't want to have sex. All the reasons bite deep inside. I'm having a bad day.

Lucy: I can imagine that the loss of libido would make yu very sad. Others on this thread have the same issues. They may not be from bc but other causes such as antidepresants. You've come to the right thread to talk about it. Well ladies our topics have been far reaching lately from toys, female hygiene tips to going bare there. I have a new one for you, has anyone ever heard of the plastic surgery they are doing now to tighten the vagina to increase sexual pleasure? Does anyone know anyone who has ever had it done? (would anyone admit to it?) I was on a ps web site the other day trying to get an idea of some prices for a thigh lift and they were advertising this. (first I'd ever heard of it, ouch)

Lucy, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you. I can relate about the weight part. My weight makes me feel very insecure. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. My rolls of fat and cellulite makes me feel very unattractive. Not sexy at all. I was on the pill in the early years of my marriage and it didn't affect my libido at that time. It does mess with our hormones. My naturalpath had me on a med for a couple of years ago that had my libido threw the roof. I'm not on it anymore and can't remember what it was but... wow! So much goes into feeling desirable. How we look, our hormones, our self image, how we are treated etc. (its going to take more then waxing for me to start to feel sexy and desirable again.) I'm going to keep the waxing in mind for the future. I may even someday get brave enough to try it. (I'll take a valium and a shot of morphine first though!!) Faithmd: I've never been kissed like that! It's kisses like that, that make us flock to the movies and sigh. I'm a big sucker for romance.