Jessiebear

LOL!! That is the best!!! The sad thing, I live in Arkansas! This is not that far fetched!!!I have seen worse!

Good one Pat! I'm sending this to all the Moms I know!

The Farmer and His Pet Rooster Friday, August 12, 2005 AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY, SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Differing Views of Marital Sex Saturday, August 13, 2005 SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on." LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session: "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied: "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the that cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered: "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife--Cold As Ever.' " "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband--Stiff at Last.' '' WOMEN'S HUMOR My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Could You Slow Down Just a Little? Monday, August 22, 2005

Face Lift for Her Birthday Thursday, September 08, 2005 A middle aged woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt pretty good about the results. A few weeks later, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she said to the clerk: "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman said happily. A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question. The girl replied, "I guess about 29." The woman replied, "Nope, I'm 47." Now, she was feeling really good about herself. She stopped at a drug store on her way down the street. She wemt up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk the burning question. The clerk responded, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responded, "I am 47, but, thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands, and said, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman said: "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replied, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, of course not," she said. He replied: "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

That's a good one!!

Very good idea & your list is very inspiring! I will work on mine too!!

Wow! I can't wait to see the before & after pics too! I'm excited for you! Congrats!!

You're welcome! I stumbled onto this site looking for the boo bees picture. I needed a laugh & thought some others here did too. I would have posted more, but I had to go to bed! Have a good day everyone!

That's hilarious!!!!

Yep, I'm that way since my recent 4th fill. I usually have a protein shake for breakfast & by lunch time I can start eating my hard protein & by supper time, watch out! I could really eat if I wanted to!

Love the Ninja turtles! Crystal, I totally agree with you & have been thinking along the same lines as you. A large part of the turtle tribe seem to have IR or some other metabolic issue going on. I think we all need answers.

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT. Listen up! Sunday, October 30, 2005 If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crest View couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up Saturday, November 05, 2005 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of 'em. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "Hook Up" and "Break Up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "Dressed Up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives now feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach. 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food before noon. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your hide.

Aussie Humor Sunday, November 13, 2005 The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on television. How do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only 3000 miles, so take lots of Water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross .....Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races....Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you Celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

The Blond Goes to Her First Football Game Saturday, October 15, 2005 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Okay!! Here are my boobies............. Pervert!

Fun Stuff: Think You Know Everything? Here's a Refresher Course Tuesday, October 25, 2005 ...For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course: **** The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. **** No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. **** Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. **** You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. **** Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. **** The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. **** The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. **** American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. **** Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!) **** Apples, not caffeine,are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. **** Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. **** Walt Disney was afraid of mice. **** Pearls melt in vinegar. **** The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. **** It is possible to lead a cow upstairs-- but not downstairs. **** A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. **** Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) **** Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton **** And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. **** Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is ! Cheers !

The Outhouse Thursday, November 10, 2005 Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. His family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain when the creek was swollen, the little boy decided that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied: "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Praise the Lord! Thursday, November 17, 2005 There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!" The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Very Clever, but Somebody Out There Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands Thursday, November 17, 2005 This has got to be one of the most clever e-mail messages I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER shake ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

He Wanted a Truck, She Wanted.... Friday, November 18, 2005 A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Best Little Convent in Texas Sunday, November 27, 2005 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son? '" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." Very well, my son. Please follow me. The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER