JoeDee

I was always the "big kid" - 100 pounds in kindergarten; 140's by 3rd grade. Food was my comfort. Grandma equated love with feeding you and she loves me a lot! Lots of carbs. Moved with mom & step-dad in 3rd grade away from grandma and her goodies. Through necessity I walked over a mile each day to the bus stop and back from 3rd grade through senior year. Stayed 140 from all the exercise and swim team. Teased a lot in elementary school - "MacTruck" haunts me to this day. I remember retreating inward and closed myself off. I always had boyfriends but I let them control me. Didn't think I was worthy of being treated well. Abandonment issues with biological father I found out years later in therapy.
 
Never made solid friendships. I was popular and involved at school but I never went to parties. Never hung out with crowds. Never ever ate lunch at school, but would stuff my face every afternoon while watching Oprah. She was my hero. She was fat and successful.
 
The one girl I thought of as my best friend betrayed me by sleeping with my boyfriends. Learned to not be vulnerable.
 
Moved in with grandparents in college. Grandma's home cooking again. She plans lunch while you're still eating dinner! Gained 40 pounds. Didn't make 1 friend in college, but graduated with honors. Graduated and started teaching. Late night planning = cereal. 20 more pounds.
 
Age 24, 200 pounds at wedding. Miserable. What I remember most is hiding behind a huge flower bouquet. Never thought I was pretty. Married a man who doesn't treat me well. He went out every weekend like a single guy while I worked 2 jobs to support us. Constantly being told no one else will want you because of how you look screws with your head big time!
 
At 29, joined WW with a fellow teacher. I loved the meetings. I felt like these were "my people" - I excelled. I lost 80 pounds and was HOT. Problem was I didn't think I was. I saw the fat girl still in the mirror. After all, my husband was still gone every weekend and still telling me he drank all weekend because of things I did. I was so messed up in the head that I believed him! When he told me he would change if I had a child, I stupidly believed him. Duh, he was afraid I would leave him and he knows my abandonment issues so he knew I would never divorce him and leave my kid without a dad! Hindsight ....
 
I remember being so sad when pregnant. I started eating carbs - hello, old friend. I forgot how much I need you all day long to deal with the dull ache in my heart. I was on the table pushing my son out of me and pleading with my husband to do right by us the entire labor. Pathetic. You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself. Spent the last 7 years working through that.
 
Stayed with him through jail and rehab for drinking because I wanted him to wake up and realize I'm worth it. Hell, if I stayed with him, he should kiss the ground I walk on. All it did was make him think of me as more pathetic and a door mat. Even after I let him back home with no license and no job, he cheats on me with his old girlfriend he found on Facebook who is also married and lives far away. Instead of kicking his ass out, I cry alone and eat my feelings. In the two years since finding out, I've eaten myself up to 255 pounds.
 
I'm ashamed of myself. I hate having to take my son to sports because I'm that fat mom in the baggy sweatshirt surrounded my the skinny moms in skinny jeans. I am dead inside. Every day is a struggle. I feel physically uncomfortable in this fat body. I don't make eye contact with people. I look down all the time and can't find one picture of myself with my son since he was one because I'm so horrified by the way I look.
 
I know being thin will not make my husband love me. I know being thin won't erase the past. I do know I need this surgery to gain a piece of myself back a little bit every day. Right now I'm a hollow shell. Empty. Tired. Defeated. I know I don't have the fortitude to divorce in my present mental state. As I lose pounds, I'm hoping to get my desire for life back and with that the strength I need to make life changes.
 
I am having this surgery to get back to me... Because I'm worthy and worth it.
 

No I didn't misspell! I am my own experiment and I am sharing with you my experience. Today is day 4 post-op. Odd day? Yes, but I am attempting to go back to work tomorrow and I do not count my surgery day in that.
 
So presurgery I had a low carb diet in which I didn't lose a darn pound because I had been dieting for 6 months prior out of want not necessity.
 
Day of Surgery I was down overall since my first surgical visit to 201.5. For low BMI people there is discrimination from everyone on why you chose this procedure and I know I do not have to explain myself, but for purposes of this blog I will bullet a list of reasons why I chose this surgery. The nurse who did my shot of heparin knew I had been overweight and lost a significant amount due to my panni and my stretch marks, but I've gotten good at hiding it to the naked eye by not being naked
 
Why I had this surgery:
 
**** 2 years ago my back surgeon approached me after I had 2 back surgeries and looking at a fusion and said...
"You have two options you can get a bi-level fusion which I cannot guarantee OR you can lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight." That took me back a little, I knew I was overweight, that I struggled with yo-yo dieting. I asked one simple question, how much is a "SIGNIFICANT" amount of weight. He said at least 60 lbs, but in addition you will need to maintain it for the rest of your life and strengthen your core to do the job your spine is trying to do alone.
 
I have several other reasons like osteoarthritis, my children, diabetes prevention (family history), heart disease, etc. but the above was the main reason I looked to WLS. Hence my experiement, can I avoid a back fusion, type II diabetes, and improve my osteoarthritis?? Time will tell
 
Now fast forward to 2 weeks prior to my surgery. I have two boys 11 & 18. My son was there when I got my approval letter and I was crying with joy, he was crying because he was scared of changes in me and surgery itself. He also had a nightmare of me dying so I chose not to tell him when the surgery was scheduled. Because of this I went to the hospital alone, went through the surgery alone and was alone until discharge. My ex-husband and son picked me up and I was ok with that. The emotional grieveing with food I did mostly pre-op, I expect some post op...but not as bad, only time will tell.
 
I forgot my side effect from anesthesia and morphine is not being able to read for days so bringing my tablet, ipod and phone was pointless. Drove me crazy I couldn't read text messages The night of surgery was the hardest not being able to drink anything. Kudos to those who recommended chapstick! I was very nauseous and went for my upper GI the following morning.
 
Before my upper GI I saw my surgeon who was joking with me because I wrote SLEEVE across my belly with a smiley face which he left in tact. He is a general surgeon who does alot of lapbands so I wanted to make sure he didn't confuse me with someone else My surgeon informed me that I had a "huge" hiatal hernia, bigger than what he even expected and that the surgery went well. He gave me a photo of the hernia and of my stomach which is really cool.
 
I slept mostly Friday the 8th, Saturday the 9th and walked when I could and often. On Sunday the 10th I got out of the house and walked and did some shopping, got a chocolate fudge cake for my sons birthday. Didn't even think twice about eating it. Monday the 11th was my sons golden birthday he just turned 11 yesterday. I ended up ordering 2 pizzas for his friend and my neighbors came over and we had the cake. I was not tempted, it was the strangest thing. Its like looking into an old friends eyes and saying we just weren't meant to be friends anymore but I respect you and that you are wanted by others...lol!
 
I did overdo it last night and was laughing and getting up without protecting my muscles so I was swollen and in alot of pain. Late last night and all this morning I am in bed trying to recoup so I can go in and work tomorrow. I'm sure I can, but if not I'll just do a half day.
 
Weight the day after surgery... 205 (gained 3 from fluids/gas)
Weght today day 4...196
 
Oh and gas pains are worse day 3&4 for me. Gas X is my friend! Good luck everyone and I'll follow up in a week or so!