salsha

Since I was in elementary I remember my family talking about my size. I wasn't a fat kid, I just wasn't a stick like my mom when she was young or like my younger sister. My mom would always say that I just had "baby fat" and it would go away... funny thing is she was saying that till I was about 12. Even funnier is if she had never been saying that from the begining I wouldn't have felt fat. My dad use to sometime tease or make comments that I know he didn't mean as hurtful but I was sensitive to it since people were always talking about it while then turning and refering to my sister as skinny minnie.
In Jr. High I hit puberty and got my adult body. I had boobs and a booty while all the other girls still had their skinny square frames. I felt self concsious. I didn't see it as my adult body, I saw it as being different. By high school I was about 10-20 lbs "overweight" but it didn't bother me. It sure seemed to bother others though.
Then when I was 17 I had my first son. I gained 70 or 80 lbs when pregnant with him. I didn't ever lose all of that weight, the closest I got was about 8 years later, and I still was 20 up from pre pregnancy. That put me at 30-40 lbs "overweight". I say "overweight" because at the ideal weight for my height according to charts I don't look healthy. I'm built to be 10 lbs over.
When my son was 10 years old I got pregnant with my second son. A year later, I had my third son. A few months after he was born I went to Jenny Craig knowing that I needed to lose weight but I had NO idea how bad it was. They put me on the scale and I was 279 lbs. I went home crying my eyes out to my husband. He tried to console me and tell me that I'd lose it. I decided to try weight watchers because Jenny Craig was way too expensive and I was too mortified to ever show my face there again. I was on Jenny Craig for a month and found out I was expecting my 4th son. 3.5 years, 3 babies, my body was exhausted. I managed to lose some weight but after several months on a stressful job project with a supervisor who did nothing but harass me I was back up to 275 again. It was about six months after quitting my job that I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I spent the next 3 months working out hard core for 4 hours a day/5 days a week and sticking to a 1200 calorie a day diet. In 3 months I lost 65 lbs. I was proud of myself and I felt like I finally had things figured out.
But then... I had to go back to work. I work out of town and they house us in "camps" so our meals are provided. I'm a picky eater and about the only things I could stomach was cookies and spaghetti. It probably wasn't more than 6 months before I put the weight back.
I continued to travel for work and the stress of being away from my kids along with a marriage I sometimes struggled with, mostly because of my unhappiness with my weight and his with his gained weight made it even more impossible to lose weight. I felt like I could not take care of me. My only choice was to keep suffering and make sure I was providing for my family.
I shared my struggles with my friends and they tried to help but I wasn't getting anywhere. I just kept gaining. They would all tell me I could do it and that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was, the usual thigns people say to try and spare fat people's feelings. Finally though, one night one of my friends came clean. She called me out. She told me my body was out of control and I needed surgery. She said I had to promise her. I did. That was just about two months ago. 5 days from now, on Feb 22, me and that same friend will be traveling to TIJ where I will have my surgery performed by Dr Kelly. I couldn't be more excited for my future. I look forward to being a better mom and a better wife and to being able to love myself.