Bunnydee

Well we are down to the final stretch… this time next week I imagine I will be walking around the Star Medica hospital, burping up a storm and not feeling too clever.
 
The faster time seems to fly, the slower time goes… does that make any sense? Every day seems to drag waiting for my surgery, even though it has been full of adventures (mainly involving Justin). I’m so anxious to get on with this journey and bring myself up through the back swing of recovery.
 
I have been reading scores of forums, blogs and Facebook posts about people stalling in their weight loss efforts around week three post op. I am beginning to thing I have hit that stall myself already.
 
I have been pre-op dieting since April 08, and I dropped a total of 21 lbs… then this week my scales shot up 9 lbs literally overnight and have not moved! Now, I confess, having been on low carb, low calorie for three weeks, I have all but lost my appetite and I am barely getting my food in. Most days I will eat an Atkins meal bar (I think I am addicted they are so darn yummy), and some dinner. Add to that a decaf coffee with cream and sweetner, about 13 cups of water and a cup of tea at bed time.
 
Certainly a small enough amount of calories to make me loose – or maybe not enough to help me continue to drop. Either way, I am very disinterested in eating these days so I am not going to let the scale bother me… it’s just a number and in the end, it is going to come off. I am not changing my recorded weight, I am simply flicking my hair, putting my nose up and saying, “Screw you scale, you are wrong.”
 
At this point I think it’s a good thing that I have physically prepared myself to this extent – I will not suffer when I move to clear liquids for two weeks and thicker liquids for two more – the requirement for recovery with my doctor.
 
BRING. IT. ON.
 
Now, with all that said, almost nightly I am having strange vivid dreams about cheating on my diet!! Just last night I dreamt I “accidentally” ate chocolate, and a couple of nights before I dreamt I was sitting at a table eating cupcake after cupcake. What’s that about?!
 
It’s just too bad that the dreams battle my conscious mind, and cause angst. If I could control it I would say, "Hey Dream Girl… you snarf just as many of those delicious cupcakes as you want… do it every night and don’t spare a crumb!!"

For as long as I can remember I was told I was beautiful with strings. I have been struggling with weight issues since I was at least 8 years old, that is about 20 years of being chubby, fat, heavy, thick, overweight, chunky, obese, or whatever unpleasant, easy to swallow, politically correct or incorrect word you want to use for it. Not only have I struggled but my weight has gone up over the last 10 years also. So many people in my life would give me the speech - you are so pretty you are so beautiful but you would be so pretty if you only lost weight. Thanks for the boost of confidence guys. That only knocked me back like 10 steps but if only you knew. (I'll go eat a cheeseburger now to feel better)
 
I used to be an active girl, playing sports, running around, being in the mix and then laziness and knee injury kicked in at 19 years old and then another at like 24. It was so much easier to use my knee injury as an excuse. Depression happened, life slapped me in the face and I didn't want to fight back so I ate to fight myself and punish the one person who didn't deserve it... me.
 
At 25 years old I lost my job and health insurance which caused me to go without for 3 years. At that point I went back to college to save my future and earn a bachelor's degree in accounting. During this period I gained more weight. I also went on diets, excersized, and lost weight, then gained it all back. Oh the Joys of Jenny Craig and dieting in general. I remember telling myself years ago that I would never be "this fat or this big" WELL HELLO WORLD I GOT HERE!!!" When I finally graduated, got a job and had health insurance again I went to the doctor and was weighed in to find myself at 272 pounds. Man was I in shock. I almost didn't believe it.
 
Then the airplane happened. I have to travel as a requirement for work and I was on a plane and could not buckle the darn seatbelt. I had to sit with my sweat shirt covering my midsection the whole 3 hour flight because I could not buckle THE DAMN BELT!!! I was mortified. I was afraid I would be noticed. I was sweating. I was probably suspicious looking. Heck I am surprised I didn't get frisked by the on board security person. But I made it and I vowed at that moment I would do something about it. That was when my doctor recommended weight loss surgery and I found Dr. Chau and Dr. Brolin.
 
I have been on this journey so far since August, 2012 and even had to start my insurance required diet appointments all over because I missed one - SO I can't stress the importance of making sure you get your behind to every single appointment enough. My last diet appointment is on March 18th and I am counting down the days.
 
My estimated surgery date is somewhere in Mid-May and I am soooooo excited and nervous I just can't tell you!

I don't believe in "bariatric food"
 
Power crunch bars, chocolate covered whatever, powdered peanut butter, protein puffs that look like some kind of bad bastardization of cheetos, protein cheerios, the list goes on and on and on and I think that is garbage, and make no mistake about it, it IS garbage, is one of the many reasons why so many bariatric patients never EVER make the leap from the SAD (Standard American Diet) to a reasonably normal lifestyle free from slavery to food and obsession with snacks.
 
You just don't need it. The egg, for instance, takes about 2 minutes to prepare, refrigerates and reheats well and is the perfect protein. If your really feeling wild throw some cheese in there - still a respectable meal. Unless you are a power lifter and I do know there are a few of you out there - you don't need protein this, protein that. You don't need to be sucking down chocolate protein shakes at 6 months post op, you need to be learning how to eat real food in a manner that doesn't destroy your health, because sooner or later guess what - You are going to get sick of that **** and you are going to have to join the rest of society and if you never did the real work of learning to cook a respectable meal, eat like a person who isn't obsessed you will never reap the full benefit of your surgery.
 
Now, know this, all of the above are general statements, and I am not perfect. I have Atkins bars sitting on my futon and ready to drink protein in my fridge because like everyone else, I get busy too, but in my opinion these should not be an every day thing after a certain amount of time has passed since surgery. I'm even considering buying a big ass tub of protein powder from costco to make some bars at home, because then at least it's not so processed and I have some control over what goes in it and the size of the thing. We need to see these things for what they are though - once in a while indulgences, not staples in our diets. Staples in your diet should be things like peas, chicken, tofu, salad, fish.... You get the idea.

I have done the steps, accepted that I am over weight, took the steps to see the doctor, asked some questions, had the blood test and went to the seminar. I am now in the process of seeing the cardiologist, pulmonologist, dietician, and therapist. I have to wait a month to see them, but I am willing to wait and do what I need to personally to get myself prepared for what is to come. I was also given a tentative month for surgery and it looks like April it is. So many emotions each day seem to catch me by surprise.
 
Today I felt blue because I don't have many to turn to about my process. My husband is hard to talk to about it because he likes me just the way I am. He knows that I am depressed about it, and agrees with me to do something to make myself feel better, but sometimes I feel that is not enough. We have kept the news of my decision to go through this on the down low becuase I am still embarresed for the things I have to do to get what I want. The hospital that I am going through has a group that meets this Monday and I think I am going to check it out. I hope this helps with the blues that I get from time to time. Maybe even connect with someone and build friendships. I do know that God is on my side and going to take it one day at a time!

Little behind updating but i made it to my one month post op check up last week and i wanted a bigger number but I've lost 33lbs which after i stopped and thought about how many people lose 33 lbs in 1 months! so now i'm proud of my loss. My left thigh is still numb and slightly painful but he said in 6 months that should get better. This month i'm going to focus on my walking and i will pull a big number at my next check up in march! I'm great full for my supportive people i have. I return to work Monday after being gone 6 weeks so i'm dragging my feet there. I'm going to go in with a positive attitude and see how they react. most were jealous that i was getting time off for a surgery they found unnecessary. So i may just be walking back in to the lions den or i may not but what ever it is i will have my head held high! I'm 33lbs slimmer