Note: If you have been following my blog this should have been entered before "Friend or Frenemy" but I had a moment and didn't realize I hadn't posted it until today....please forgive me!
Going to get a physical, and this is my annual physical. Did I mention that it has been over 25 yrs since I had an annual physical. Now I have not neglected the annualy "women" physicals, the necessary mammograms when you get to "that" age or even the colonoscopy due to family history, but oh noooooooooo I wouldn't get a physical. <<dramatic pause to allow you to stop laughing>> Yeah I know beyond weird huh? I was afraid of that apparatus of stress, the one with all the numbers that used to be a dial and now is just digital which i think is worse, becase it is in kilograms and it gives me that false sense that I weigh less than the actual weight I am, the scale scared me. Going to the dr caused me so much stress I just kept being busy. Now what makes this even more pathetic, my insurance pays for annual physicals at no cost to me. You see I never wanted to find out what was really wrong with me. I was afraid of a conversation about my weight, my eating habits, and my lack of exercise. Kind of like when you go to the dentist and he asks if you floss "why yes I do 3 times a day" said no one ever! I was afraid of the truth. Well, I finally woke up, no more, I was going to find out just how bad all this weight had effected my overall health. We all know what I am talking about so I won't go thru the laundry list.
I went in to the doctors office, with my head held high and they took my blood pressure first. The medical assistants didn't take it once or even twice they took it four times (2 diffferent medical assistants). I started to get worried was I having a stroke! Then they said "hmmmm we will take it manually in the room". Why, is my pressure so high I am off the scale on this medical apparatus too?? Then they checked my heart rate, the next comment was "we should get this machine checked". Ok, now I am starting to be validated for why I stayed away, sick, I am sick.....how long before I am on a list of medication the length of my arm???? I made myself take a deep breath and walked steady to the room. Once there one assistant started taking my pressure again and the other was asking me the list of quiestions I am sure if printed out would be about 5 pages single spaced, about every illness I and my family have had. When they finished my blood pressure the assistant whispered to the other and I knew then something was wrong. When I asked they said the doctor would let me know what it was and answer any questions I had. They left and in came the phlebotomist, oh how I hate needles (and I work in the emergency room ~ it is a lot different sticking than being stuck!). She was good one small poke and that was over. The doctor comes in and we start talking. Now I had seen this man for years for bronchitis, sprains and any minor need for a physician. So his first words to me was "why a physical now?" and he smiled a smile that made me immediately relax. I told him I was taking control finally. He was glad to hear it. I immediately asked about my blood pressure, and what happens he smiles again. Well it seemed that I had a pressure of 110/60, and it was verified as it was that every single time they took it. But, the medical assistants assumed that it was wrong based on my weight. I was happy, but kinda mad at the skinny little techs for judging me, but I let it go. I got to feel the cold stethoscope on my chest and back, and breathed deeply as he instructed. He poked me and proded until he had check me thoroughly (oh and yeah I did stick my tongue out and say ahhhhh!). He said it looked good but he was waiting on my labs and outside tests before he could give me results. So I left with a bandaid from my lab draw and a small strut past the little medical assistants proud I had such a good blood pressure. A little part of me was afraid of what the labs would show, but right now this was my victory walk.
The next day I get my results..........healthy, I am healthy? how can someone be morbidly (i sure think they could pick a better adjective) obese and be healthy???? But I am. My ten year prediction of CAD is less than 1% (and according to the dr it doesn't get any lower!) I am happy that there is no underlying condition, that I am healthy but how did I get so lucky? why me? Then my heart sank, I will have to lose this without surgery even though my BMI is over 50. My healthy heart ached, I cried. How sad is that, I cried because I was healthy, people would give their right arm to have my labs and health and here I am crying.
After a short pity party, I called my insurance company and asked what requirements (no matter the height of the hoop, no matter how hard to jump thru, I was going to do it) did I need to comply with for approval for the surgery. Turns out it is my BMI and a year of dietary supervision by a primary care doctor is all it took. A year that's all, heck that's easy I have been overweight my entire life (sometimes more than others), I can do that. So for the last 6 months I have been soaking up every bit of knowledge and information I can get my hands on and now I am halfway there.
One last summer in a swimsuit looking like a stuffed sausage, one last halloween unable to wear that sexy costume, one more christmas of not being able to ask for clothes because I won't tell my size. Soon I will be able to sit in any chair I want without fear of fitting be comfortable walking in any store to look at clothes because I know if I want it they probably have it in my size. It is so close .......... the beginning of the best part of my life.
All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active.
As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention.
Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person.
Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.
