thepick4u

Today My weight is the same than last week but I am doing good.No gin and tonics..lol,clean eating!
 
Cauliflour does not agree with me,even when pulverized in the food prosessor,dont know why.
 
ThenI decided to put what I ate in December,lost nearly 17 pounds in 6 weeks,into fitday to see how many of what I was eating.Calories worked out to 1200 plus per day.Fats were 55 plus and carbs were about 70.
At first I thought I must have made a mistake.But I did it twice and the results came out the same.
 
This is shocking as all I ate for weeks were the following.I would take chicken breast,cup into atrips or veal cut into strips or pork cut into strips and dust it with flour.17oz of chicken takes about a cup of flour.Then I would put olive oil in the bottom of the wok and fry it.When the oil was gone,I would add more!I didnt measure it but I am sure that it was a lot that I used!
 
Now,maybe I didnt eat as much as I think I did.Maybe I ate less of it after a week or so as usually when I eat protein only I gradually start eating less.I had 5 cups of tea with milk and 2 dolci gusto cappuchinos per day.Very little water,maybe one small bottel during the day and half at night.
 
With only 2 pounds to goal I am going to try that again this week.
 
At 10 and a half months out I do feel that I can eat more and should start weighing my food again.I ate like this because I regularly get a stomach ache when I eat veggies.Any veggies.I also cannot eat fruit as this causes acid even though I am on a PPI.
 
Now to just reach goal already and then to decide if I should drop more weight.Acouple of my friend's husbands no less,have commented that I am now getting to skinny.Thr girls just say they dont recognize me!I just wish I could see what other people say they see.(they might always be lying..lol)
 
I now wear a size 12 pants and top even though I havent lost more weight but it is very clear that my shape is changing,and not all for the good.I have saddlebags on my upper legs that appeared over the past couple of weeks and my boobs are now a size 36 C.One thing I never realized was that as we get older our waistline increases even when there isnt fat anymore.I use to be very curvy when I was young but now I am straight as a plank and my waist seems to have widened...lol.But I need to just get this weight loss phase over and done with now.It still takes up too much of the space in my head and I just dont want this anymore.
 
I had a bit of a realitly check today when I witnessed a motorcyclist die in an accident.Life is short and all this seems so much less important tonight and in the bigger scheme of things.Accepting myself and others and living life the way the Lord has intended fo me to do is what my focus should be on all the time.I am second!But while Im counting and weighing and logging and cooking and posting I do get a bit consumed with myself which is not the way I should live my life!
 
One more week to goal (positive self talk..lol)

I'm having surgery on the 19th of December.
 
That's 5 days away, almost 4; I never expected this range of emotions and yet I feel they are not strange or uncalled for.
 
I've been on the Pre-Op diet of 1000 calories, less than 40 grams of fat and at least 50 grams of protein--these numbers are becoming the law of the land. I know the calories will be amended as my medical team sees fit, but for now, it will hold its place.
 
I was told that my emotions have taken me unaware because of the fact that I try to project an aura of calm and readiness. Once I heard this, I realized it was true. Even though I smile at everyone, and tell those who ask "How do you feel?" the expected and unheard answer of, "I'm good", I have several emotions rolling around inside my brain. I know that if they are not addressed, not expressed that they will snowball. Before I would turn to food to stem the tide, to fill the gaps, but that can no longer be the case.
 
I will control my emotions; they will not control me.
 
I control my emotions; they do not control me.
 
I am anxious. I have never had major surgery before. I'm concerned about being put under for such a period of time; I have the silly fear of saying something stupid coming out of the stupor of anesthesia.
 
I am excited. This is a major step on the way to Me. My weight issues stem from childhood and my past, and I have decided that I will no longer allow the past to control and influence who I am, the woman I know that I am but hides beneath this armor of obesity. This surgery, this tool can be beneficial in so many ways, besides just losing weight.
 
I am afraid. This is a major surgery, a major step to a new lifestyle to promote my health and thus enrich my life. I've never had this chance at health, not like this. I've been overweight a vast majority of my life (since I was a toddler) so a healthier me seems like a mirage in the heat, a dance of shimmers dancing on the hot highway road, seducing your eyes to see water pooled where there is none--no water, just hot asphalt.
 
The idea of a healthier and smaller me seems to be just a seductive thought that cannot truly manifest itself. Though this surgery will change a part of my body, I am the one who is ultimately in control of what I eat, how I eat and why I eat. I have shirked this responsibility for so long that now I wonder if I can handle it. From what I've seen, everyone has this fear, of going back to the beginning and then some; perhaps it is a reminder of all those diets that worked for a while but the results never stayed, and the weight that came back with a vengeance and reinforcements.
 
This is a journey, the beginning of a new lifestyle and the maturing of Me. I am not "new," I will not give up my mistakes and begin again. My mistakes and history are my own, and I will take from them and use this new tool and opportunity to show all what I have learned--to show myself that I can finally and only be Me, and I am worth everything it took to get Me here.