Oliver's Mom

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active.
 
As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention.
 
Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person.
 
Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.

There is a woman who reads my blog. I was going to be in her town on business, so, I decided to ask to meet her; to my shock and horror, she accepted. This was not a “date” in the true sense of the word; in my mind however, I treated it as a date in order to gain experience in my social skills.
 
We planned to meet for dinner. We talked – a lot. I found her to be intelligent, articulate, funny, interesting, and strikingly good-looking. All the characteristics I like in a woman.
 
But really, the reason I’m telling this story is because of what we discussed and how it is helping me grow. I’ve written quite a bit about my negative self-image, my believing that I am unattractive, repulsive and fat and my shyness around people, especially women. I’ve discussed my fears and my social awkwardness.
 
She didn’t see any of that. One of our first topics of conversation was my negative self-image. She said she was expecting someone far different than the man standing in front of her. She was expecting an ugly, fat guy who would have trouble communicating. Wait, that’s not me? Apparently not.
 
She accused me of having a handsome face and not being fat. She thought that I had a terrific personality and didn’t think that I was socially awkward. She reiterated her impressions of me several times that I feared she thought I was making up this entire thing.
 
In my diary I pen my deepest and darkest thoughts. My self-perception is a reflection of these thoughts about myself based on a lifetime of abuse. So while I may have this façade of being all put together on the outside, my writing is really about what’s in my head. My self-image is about how I see myself; not how the outside world sees me.
 
What she was able to accomplish in one afternoon, I could not have accomplished in years of therapy and thousands of dollars. Ever since that encounter in October, I’ve started to evolve my opinion of myself. I’ve begun to question my negative self-image and attempted to gain a more confident attitude. I still have issues with insecurity, shyness, and self-esteem and I still feel socially awkward a lot of the time, but thanks to her I’m trying to build a positive attitude about who I am.
 
And for that I owe her a debt of gratitude.

It is 2 weeks post-op and all is well!! I feel good. My incisions are healing up nicely and the soreness is pretty much gone. (unless I bend over to far)
 
I'm not drinking enough water yet. Getting about 32 ounces in most days. I know it should be more but I get so nauseated with it!! I find that in the morning I can get more down easier.
I can drink without the squeezing feeling now.
I can't wait till I can get more water down though 'cause it is causing some bathroom issues!! hard ones!! if you know what I mean.
 
I'm still trying to keep a sensitive awareness for Minnie to tell me when she's full. I do good and sometimes when I let myself get to hungry, I don't listen as soon as I should. Bad habits take over and I have to re-organize my thoughts.
 
I honestly wasn't prepared for the emotional struggle being so strong. I knew it would be here and head hunger is real! Food plays/ed such and important part of my life. I truly thought that learning new recipies and balancing a healthy diet that my family as well as myself can eat would be the bigger challenge. I felt that if I could just put enough energy into cooking recipes that were tasty and fitting for us all I would be fine.
And for the most part I am. BUT there are times when the emotions get all fired up and what I used to sooth them in the past just doesn't work anymore. It's like someone changed the passcode and I can't get to my feel good area!! Frustrating and It's definitaly a work in progress.
Thank God I have great support of family and friends.
 
I will take this time to warn everyone about having a love affair with the bathroom scale!!
I loved my scale from the moment I got home from the hospital!! I made sure we saw each other frequently and the feeling was mutal. Until day 5!! Not sure what happened on day 5 BUT our relationship took a dive!! It said I gained a pound and then on day 6 it said I gained another!!! FREAK!
Not sure why, I was doing everything by the book!! I was already on the break of the emotional reality of having to change my coping mechanisms and then this!!!! WHY? WHY??
Alas, I went through this torture for 2 days only to realize at 11pm on day 7 that my scale was playing cruel jokes on me!! Yes, I could stand on different areas of the scale and the weight changed each time. it went down 3 pounds or up 3 pounds!! just depended on where I stood!! LOL I could have died! All that turmoil for nothing!!
So I ended my love affair with my scale. We have broken up for good! I don't know what I've really lost since surgery and won't know until tomorrow when I go for my check up with my doctor!!
hrmph!
I start my mushie food tomorrow and am very excited!! I did have an egg scrambled today and I can't say enough how good that was!! I know, I know, it was a day early and now I'm little nervous that I did something bad. BUT Minnie did just fine and didnt' hurt or anything soo I'm praying that means all is well. Will blog tomorrow to let you know the results. Oh and ALL I could get in was 1 egg....
Merry Christmas
Oh and I can't wait to drive again!! I need to do some secret christmas shopping!!