Kelsan

You know I usually have this wonderful idea of what I am going to write about, but not this time nope nothing, zero, zilch, zippo. This should be no surprise to me as this was also the weight loss I had recorded with me PCP this month on my second to last PCP visit, prior to submission to insurance. You know the appointment was great it was informative and my doctor is becoming my biggest advocate. I am so glad that I have such support from him. With all this happening, you would think that I would be getting excited about getting so close to my surgery date. Nope, still seems so far away that it isn't even real. I look at my calendar and I see all the days that need to pass and all I want to do is rip it up (but if I did that I wouldn't know where I had to be and when I had to be there!!). Everyone has their own reasons to do the surgery, their own motivation and their own goals. I was thinking about my goals, my motivations, and what will life be after this is all down. I have decided my goals are the non scale victories, those things that are taken for granted by so many without even thinking. I really don't care if my final weight is 150 of 170 or some other number, I just want to look good. To know that men and people are looking at me because I am beautiful not because I am a big woman. I just want one man to want me for me not for my appearance but you have to have appearance to attract men, I don't care what anyone says. It is all about first impressions, and I want those first impressions to be memorable because of who I am not what I am. I want to be able to walk into a store and try on a dress that is in the window and know they will have my size in that dress. Not some cotten stretch, print from a couch, frumpy fat lady dress. Just because I am large does not mean that I do not like to look good. And I do not care what anyone says just because it comes in your size (aka skinny jeans, spandex, short shorts, etc) doesn't mean you buy it or more importantly that you will look good. I would just like to be able to feel good about being me is that too much to ask? I am not sad I am not mad I am just tired, why can't people see past what we look like. I promise after I have had surgery and I am making my way towards my new beginning I will never ever forget what this feels like.
 
So basically, right now I am feeling life pass me by, I want to live my life and have someone live it with me where everyday is an adventure. I want to be involved to reach for and get that brass ring. I know there are a lot of people out there who know exactly what I am saying, so I won't go on.
 
Oh and no matter who small I get I will NEVER EVER buy anything at Abercrombie & Fitch, I hope they go bankrupt.

I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
 
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
 
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
 
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
 
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
 
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
 
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
 
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
 
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
 
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

Well, hello out there~
 
This is my very first blog, ever, and it happens to be on the day before my gastric sleeve surgery. I am less nervous than anytime before since being approved for this surgery and hope that this calm, positive, forward-looking feeling stays with me all the way to the anesthetic! I have had other surgeries before, so I know what to expect in that regard (always a couple of nerves during the medical history/IV pre-surgical stages). For now, I am visualizing my success through the first phase of the post-surgical diet and walking every two hours. I have started packing my bag for the short hospital stay and organized a shelf in the fridge for my shakes and drinks, plus one in the cupboard for the protein powder and broths.
 
Something I found yesterday at Target was a 42-gram protein shake from EAS Myoplex in strawberry cream flavor that may be the best tasting protein shake, ever! Really tasty! If you are tired of chocolate and vanilla this is for you, and better than the Slimfast strawberry flavored shake (plus, 42 grams of protein in one bottle is hard to find).
 
That being said, I did not realize how bad my breath was from the protein shakes in general, until my husband said something. I thought the aftertaste was just something I could detect, myself. Apparently, it rivals my cat's breath (I checked, he's right) so my nutritionist recommended breath strips. I sure hope the bad breath is a temporary side effect that will go away after the protein shakes are no longer such a big part of my diet!
 
Good luck to everyone out there who has had or will have a gastric sleeve! I truly wish success for all of us~ I hope that if anyone posts a comment on my blog that they will be positive and supportive (thanks in advance!).

My hubby and I just got back from a 3 day Anniversary trip to Vegas. I knew d be eating and drinking whatever I wanted, and I knew I'd gain weight. But I also knew I'd hunker down as soon as I got home and wean myself into my protein drink week. If I thought I was going to be able to forget about my weight issues a d upcoming surgery for a week....forget about it!
First off, I dreaded right away trying to fasten my seatbelt. My husband had to help my pull and stretch it so I could latch it. I was almost in tears. The next time I fly, it will be different. We went to a Buffett the first night and I enjoyed shrimp, crab sushi and a laded baked potato. I sampled a few desserts, but decided they weren't worth it. The old me would have eaten all that I took. The new me left a pork chop, carrots, sushi and several desserts on the table.
We did enjoy 2 Amazing steak dinners (one at Vic and Anthony's, and the other at Gordon Ramsay's.
Only once did I eat to the point of being over full....I told my husband: "I won't ever have to feel like this again" I know already that I will never ever eat that much food again!
I tried several times to not drink water with my meals...this and being hungry are the two things I worry about the most. I've been working on chewing to a pulp, taking smaller bites. But I'm still worried I will fail at this and be miserable because of it.
Last night as I was waiting to fall asleep, I actually wondered what God would think of me "mutilating" my stomach by having it hacked off? Then the voice in my head reminded me that I've already mutilated my body by getting 150# overweight!! I'm near tears writing this. I can't believe my husband of 36 years would still find me attractive or sexy at this size.
I just want to be done with this....I'm terrified that I won't be successful on this liquid diet, that my liver will be too big, or something will happen during surgery. I want to be successful....I want to do this! I deserve this...

Today I shall begin to document my progress. Today I am going to give you all some information about myself and vow to stop by at least every Thurs from here on out and give an update.
To start with allow me to introduce myself! My name is Reena, I am from upstate New York, I live and love the country! I am currently 32 years old and the mother of 4 beautiful children. My oldest child is 12 years old, he is 5'11" 180# and autistic. My pride meter went through the roof this year for this child, he has been on honor roll all school year! I am very proud of him. Besides his wonderful grades he also plays saxophone, and drums. He has recently gotten into sports, played basketball and just started up playing baseball. I love seeing his progress, a child who at 5 years old, didn't talk... is now on high honor roll!
The next in line would be my twins. I have a set of twins, boy and girl. They are 6 1/2 years old. My son is the older of the two (by a whole minute), he is also a special needs child, he plays baseball and LOVES school! He is an amazing young man, I call him my lil runt because he is much smaller than his sister and has always needed a lil more protection than the rest of the group.
After him would be his twin sister, She is our little princess! She is beyond spoiled by nature, a beautiful young lady, long dark hair, large blue eyes, eye lashes all women would die for! Shes tall and very thin! Oh and the brain of her! Shes awful smart.
My youngest child is 2 1/2, which is very hard for me to believe! Each of my children are very special to me, the youngest holds a very special place in my heart for many reasons, to start with he was born on my 30th birthday! He is the only child I share with my current husband, and of course, he is the youngest ... his older siblings spoil him rotten! But what a sweet young man he is!
I am currently into my second marriage... my first was with a boy/man I met when I was 14 years old. I dated him for about 5 years and we were married a year after I finished high school. Within 2 years of the marriage he developed a drinking problem, 3 or 4 years in he also developed a drug problem... these situations left me and my children homeless a few times, often with no food or no money to pay bills, no car ect. I went through about 10 years of that when I finally woke up one morning and as I was getting ready for work I told him I wanted a divorce. I have tried my best from that day to do nothing but move forward!
I started dating my current husband the fall of 2009, we were married june of 2012. He and I are very happy with the life we have built together. Although I still have to deal with my ex husband from time to time, it is pretty limited between his time in the county jail for stealing ect.
So about a year and a half ago I came to the decision that I need to continue to better my life and I should start with bettering my health. I started my WL journey at this point. It hasn't gone very well lol!
When I began, I weighed 252#... I currently tipped my scale at 305#! So heres what happened. I went to my PCP for over a year, he had me on prescription WL pills and diets ect. I didn't loose, I didn't gain either. He suggested I talk to a WLS. I went through the seminar, went to my first appointment in November 2012. After talking to him I had come to the conclusion that this was the road for me! at that time I was 281#. He told me if I want to continue I MUST quit smoking for 6 months in order for him to do the surgery!... UGH!!!!!!!!
I have smoked for 21 years! But I want a happier, healthier life for me and my kids... wouldn't that include smoking? Yes, yes it would. So I got myself in the mind set and I said good bye to smoking!
I may have said good bye to smoking, but in turn I said hello to 25#! Now I am busting my tail to get rid of my "I quit smoking so I gained a bunch of weight" weight! Ive lowered my calories to about 1200 a day, drinking water, doing at least 45 mins of some kind of workout each day, which is very hard for me lately because Ive had a sinus infection from hell!
I will wrap this up because I need to get some housework done before the kids get home.
Today.. today I make the choice to tune out the negative around me, to make great choices for the foods I give my body (and my mind)! To hug my children just a little longer than I did yesterday! I welcome me to the loser's bench, may I be here a long, long time!

I don't expect anyone to read this blog. I'm mainly writing it to myself to read at a future date. My digital time capsale.
 
I really want to remember the old me (pre-surgery).
 
Being weight conscious started when I was in sixth grade. I went to the doctor to get a sports physical and the doctor told me I was a chubby little girl and needed to lose ten pounds. I didn't really know how to process that, so I just stopped eating (it made sense at the time). I lost the ten pounds but didn't know how to handle food after that. So I was on a constant diet for the next fifteen years. So when I got pregnant, I thought, finally I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it!!!! Oh, happy days. I was going to nurse so the extra weight was just going to fall off. Boy was I wrong - so naieve- so blissfully naieve. As if pregnancy weight is some how different from the regular stuff.
 
I was 245 when I delivered my bouncing baby boy. I got down to 192 in about six months but couldn't move the scale after that. Repeat the same story two more times. Except after pregnancy number three I can not move the scale more than five pounds. I still weigh 245 two years later. I am in such a rut and I can not climb out on my own. I've really tried everything I can think of. In the spring of 2012 I begain considering weight loss surgery and settled on the sleeve after a lot of reasearch.
 
Monday 05/0613 @12:00p.m. is my surgery. I'm a little scared of the procedure and complications from the procedure, but's it's a risk I'm willing to take because I can not continue on my current path any longer.
 
My husband is supportive, but nervous for me. He's nervous about something going wrong and altering my body for the rest of my life. Which I appreciate and love him for, but I'm ready for this. I'll just have to keep praying - What shall be, will be.
 
So future self: I can't wait to check in with you in six months and to see how well you've done. I am so ready for a different type of life.

I don't expect anyone to read this blog. I'm mainly writing it to myself to read at a future date. My digital time capsale.
 
I really want to remember the old me (pre-surgery).
 
Being weight conscious started when I was in sixth grade. I went to the doctor to get a sports physical and the doctor told me I was a chubby little girl and needed to lose ten pounds. I didn't really know how to process that, so I just stopped eating (it made sense at the time). I lost the ten pounds but didn't know how to handle food after that. So I was on a constant diet for the next fifteen years. So when I got pregnant, I thought, finally I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it!!!! Oh, happy days. I was going to nurse so the extra weight was just going to fall off. Boy was I wrong - so naieve- so blissfully naieve. As if pregnancy weight is some how different from the regular stuff.
 
I was 245 when I delivered my bouncing baby boy. I got down to 192 in about six months but couldn't move the scale after that. Repeat the same story two more times. Except after pregnancy number three I can not move the scale more than five pounds. I still weigh 245 two years later. I am in such a rut and I can not climb out on my own. I've really tried everything I can think of. In the spring of 2012 I begain considering weight loss surgery and settled on the sleeve after a lot of reasearch.
 
Monday 05/0613 @12:00p.m. is my surgery. I'm a little scared of the procedure and complications from the procedure, but's it's a risk I'm willing to take because I can not continue on my current path any longer.
 
My husband is supportive, but nervous for me. He's nervous about something going wrong and altering my body for the rest of my life. Which I appreciate and love him for, but I'm ready for this. I'll just have to keep praying - What shall be, will be.
 
So future self: I can't wait to check in with you in six months and to see how well you've done. I am so ready for a different type of life.

I don't expect anyone to read this blog. I'm mainly writing it to myself to read at a future date. My digital time capsale.
 
I really want to remember the old me (pre-surgery).
 
Being weight conscious started when I was in sixth grade. I went to the doctor to get a sports physical and the doctor told me I was a chubby little girl and needed to lose ten pounds. I didn't really know how to process that, so I just stopped eating (it made sense at the time). I lost the ten pounds but didn't know how to handle food after that. So I was on a constant diet for the next fifteen years. So when I got pregnant, I thought, finally I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it!!!! Oh, happy days. I was going to nurse so the extra weight was just going to fall off. Boy was I wrong - so naieve- so blissfully naieve. As if pregnancy weight is some how different from the regular stuff.
 
I was 245 when I delivered my bouncing baby boy. I got down to 192 in about six months but couldn't move the scale after that. Repeat the same story two more times. Except after pregnancy number three I can not move the scale more than five pounds. I still weigh 245 two years later. I am in such a rut and I can not climb out on my own. I've really tried everything I can think of. In the spring of 2012 I begain considering weight loss surgery and settled on the sleeve after a lot of reasearch.
 
Monday 05/0613 @12:00p.m. is my surgery. I'm a little scared of the procedure and complications from the procedure, but's it's a risk I'm willing to take because I can not continue on my current path any longer.
 
My husband is supportive, but nervous for me. He's nervous about something going wrong and altering my body for the rest of my life. Which I appreciate and love him for, but I'm ready for this. I'll just have to keep praying - What shall be, will be.
 
So future self: I can't wait to check in with you in six months and to see how well you've done. I am so ready for a different type of life.