TwinsMama

Today I meet with my Nut.  It is part of my 6 month pre-surgery requirement from Kaiser.  I have a secret...
 
I really don't like meeting with my Nut.
 
Okay there I said it...My Nut and I were kind of thrown together.  I originally met with another Nut (A).  She was great.  Honest but firm and helpful.  She treated you like a partner and held you accountable. 
 
I had my first meeting with Nut A where she sat and helped me come up with a plan.  I then had my second meeting with her where we decided I would pursue surgery.  We tweaked my plan and she scheduled me for a third.  That's when the problem started.  She is just too darn popular.
 
Everyone (or at least most in my area) wants to work with her.  Again, she is great.  However, to meet with her you literally have to schedule 2-3 months out.  By the time of my 3rd appointment, she didn't have anything available for 2 months.
 
I didn't want to add even more months to my 6 month process so I agreed to meet with another Nut (.  Nut B is the exact opposite of A.  She makes you feel lousy no matter how well you do.  It is like she tries to not be happy.
 
At my last appointment I lost 5 lbs.  This was major for me. Not because I haven't lost weight before, but this time I didn't do anything crazy extreme.  I was proud that I stuck to the plan (from Nut A) and increased my exercise.  Her response? 
 
 
I'm going to pause here to let you know something - - that little lady almost caught big time attitude.  I think time stopped for about 30 minutes as my mind processed how to not show my tail in there.  I didn't get rude, rather I reminded her that I ALWAYS wear my walking shoes to each meeting because I come directly from work and have to take public transportation.
 
You see, she is simply not easy to work with.  In fact, at my last meeting with Nut B, she received a call that someone else (apparently this is common) is leaving her to work with Nut A.  Instead of being phased she proceeded to insult the guy - in front of me.  Wow! - - and these 2 examples are the "nicer" ones regarding my interactions with her.
 
My point for writing this...it is a challenge that I'm having to overcome.  Working with her is actually helping me to see that this really is for me...not her or anyone else...me.  It gives me perspective that not everyone cares that I am losing weight.  Not everyone cares that I stick to my plan.  Not everyone wants to hear my crap (good or bad) regarding this change in my lifestyle.
 
Sure, my Nut should want to be more of a partner with me but her job is to supervise my progress and provide correction to my plan when needed.  Her job is to ensure that I stick this through and meet Kaiser's requirements and not to be my friend.  Her stand-offish (is that even a word?) behavior helps me to keep my focus on doing this for me and not for someone else's approval. 
 
I stick with my Nut (such an appropriate name sometimes) because she does have a high success rate.  Very high, even though she is not the most liked.  Her people tend to be very independent and exceed their set goals.  So there is a method to her madness. 

My Nut has me changing a few behaviors that she says will make things a bit easier post-op.  As I've worked to do these things I've noticed some things about myself I've been doing that have worked completely against me.  I didn't realize just how much the little things matter. 
Eating slower - my Mom used to make us chew 20 times before we swallowed.  Who knew that eating slower would also make me eat less?  As an adult of course I thought, okay I don't need to eat that slow now that my Mom is not sitting a the table watching me eat.  Well low and behold, I do need to eat that slow or else my lower calorie count would not sustain me.  3 months into this and I still have to remind myself to eat slower. I do find that after a while I just get tired of eating so I put the food up or avoid food just so it doesn't take me a hour to eat 300 calories. That's a whole other issue I'm overcoming.    Smaller bites - this goes hand-in-hand with eating slower.  I didn't realize just how much I cram into my mouth at one time.  I reallllllly struggle with this. I remember being so happy when I didn't have to cut up my kids' food so small as they got more teeth.  Who knew I'd end up having to cut up my own food so small?  I know this is necessary, but I have to admit i feel like a loser sometimes when I do this in front of people.Sipping - I come from a family of gulpers.  We can keep a waiter/ress on the run for drink refills.  I enjoy water and protein shakes and tea and coffee (decafe) and heck anything but beer and until recently wine.  This is by far the hardest part so far of my new eating style.  I averaged 80-100 oz of water alone daily.  Now I'm lucky if I hit my 80 oz. Sipping causes me to drink so much less water and I've all but cut out everything else to encourage getting my water in. It also never quite leaves my thirst quenched.  I'm always thirsty now.Strawlessness - probably not a word, but it sucks.  I love straws.  I used to go out and buy cute colorful and decorative ones.  I am having a hard time learning to overcome the thought of putting my mouth on a glass after someone has handed it to me.  YUCK!  Didn't realize I was so OCD about this until my Nut said no more straws.  The plus side is that it does encourage me to not drink while I eat or to drink at all while I'm out.No drinking when eating - I get thristy (see sipping above).  I like to drink while I eat.  Having to stop this has made me realize, I didn't need to drink when I ate.  Simply this is more of a culturally learned behavior. The only time I miss drinking when I eat is if I consume bread, sweets, or crackers.  All my no-nos so it is funny that when I purposely eat something I shouldn't it makes me thirsty.Drinking calories - I could live off of protein shakes, frappes, and iced coffee.  While protein shakes are good, all the other things I like to drink aren't so much. I am always on the go and for a while I sustained myself on Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks.  It wasn't until I truly started documenting EVERYTHING I consumed that I realized 1 of my fave drinks was almost all my daily calories.  Ouch! That hurt because I just knew saying skim, or lite was really helping...sike!  It was not doing a darn thing.  Lesson learned!VST is really helping me because at first I thought my Nut was being really strict.  The more I read the more I see that these are the exact behaviors I will need to maintain post-op.  I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories and helping me not get annoyed with my Nut to see the bigger picture. 

In years past this has been the night (okay one of the nights) I wished my kids would go to bed without incident.  Why?  So that their Dad and I could raid their candy!
 
Tonight this ritual will still take place, only without me.  I won't be able to participate because I am choosing not to cheat myself.  I'm still on Kaiser's 6-month pre-op eating plan.  Well not really a plan but more like proof that you can eat well for 6 consecutive months. 
 
So I've decided while my husband and cousins (oh yes, we will have company for the first time ever on Halloween) raid the kids' bags, I will try something else.  Yes, this took a lot of planning.  I went from frustrated, to sad, to angry (at myself for having to even refrain myself), to acceptance - - this is me and I have to learn to deal.
 
At first I thought I'd just go to bed early.  But come on, really, could I go to bed with my cousins over?  Then I thought I would make a shake...nah, I want something crunchy.  Oh well I guess I'll just sit and watch them have fun.  Then it hit me...get rid of the stupid all or nothing thinking. 
 
I want to participate but I know I can't afford to cheat.  Sure I could lose the 2 lbs. again that I've already lost but why even set myself up?  Rather, I'll have my own version of "candy" (a granola bar that fits into my plan) and then go walk my dog. 

I walked the dogs just now, noticed the mail on the washer on my way out. It was an envelope from aetna.....my letter of appeal has been approved. I'm so relieved.

I'm sleeved
 

In years past this has been the night (okay one of the nights) I wished my kids would go to bed without incident.  Why?  So that their Dad and I could raid their candy!
 
Tonight this ritual will still take place, only without me.  I won't be able to participate because I am choosing not to cheat myself.  I'm still on Kaiser's 6-month pre-op eating plan.  Well not really a plan but more like proof that you can eat well for 6 consecutive months. 
 
So I've decided while my husband and cousins (oh yes, we will have company for the first time ever on Halloween) raid the kids' bags, I will try something else.  Yes, this took a lot of planning.  I went from frustrated, to sad, to angry (at myself for having to even refrain myself), to acceptance - - this is me and I have to learn to deal.
 
At first I thought I'd just go to bed early.  But come on, really, could I go to bed with my cousins over?  Then I thought I would make a shake...nah, I want something crunchy.  Oh well I guess I'll just sit and watch them have fun.  Then it hit me...get rid of the stupid all or nothing thinking. 
 
I want to participate but I know I can't afford to cheat.  Sure I could lose the 2 lbs. again that I've already lost but why even set myself up?  Rather, I'll have my own version of "candy" (a granola bar that fits into my plan) and then go walk my dog. 

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me.  I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following:
Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process.  I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work.  What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight?  I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term.  So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss.
    Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head.  This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern.
    Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight?  Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject?  I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to.
    Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes?  I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop?  Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping.
    Socializing -  I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events.  However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food.  How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight?  Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)?
    Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well.  My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out.  Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis.  What if this surgery feels like that?  Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children?  This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight.
    Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair.  The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice.  I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible.  I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge.
    What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point.  I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal.  I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal.  I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight.  What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone.  In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery.  That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me.

It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.
 

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.
 

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me.  I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following:
Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process.  I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work.  What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight?  I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term.  So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss.
    Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head.  This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern.
    Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight?  Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject?  I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to.
    Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes?  I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop?  Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping.
    Socializing -  I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events.  However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food.  How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight?  Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)?
    Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well.  My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out.  Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis.  What if this surgery feels like that?  Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children?  This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight.
    Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair.  The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice.  I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible.  I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge.
    What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point.  I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal.  I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal.  I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight.  What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone.  In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery.  That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me.

It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.
 

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.
 

Let me tell you my story.
 
As a young child I wasn't overweight but when puberty hit I gained weight. I was physically active during my high school years, I participated in outdoor winter sports, loved gym class and swam in the summer months. College life was great, although heavier than most I still enjoyed the social life and even managed to snag a boyfriend.
 
After college I waited on tables at a local restaurant and managed to slim down to a nice weight for me and looked pretty good. Got married, found a job in my profession, and then gained weight. My job wasn't physically demanding and marriage wasn't very good, so you can imagine the pounds piled on quickly. Got out of the marriage and after some time passed I joined Weight Watchers, lost 70 pounds and was looking good again.
 
Another marriage (this time a good one), job was good and so was the food I was fixing for family. Weight came back again and I tried Weight Watchers again, lost weight, and then gained it back (numerous times and each time added a little more weight--does Yo-Yo dieting fit here?) Two years ago I lost 35 pounds. It only took 6 months to gain it back again plus another 20 pounds. The last time I went to Weight Watchers, I paid my money but just couldn't make myself do it all again.
 
April, 2012, I spoke to my primary care physician and started the process to get a sleeve. I had to weigh in for 6 months--I never lost a pound, in fact I gained during the 6 months. (Also during this time my father died so it wasn't a great time to try to diet-or so I told myself.) Had the psych evaluation last May and a scope of my esophagus.
 
In October, I finished up the weigh-ins, had an EKG, blood work, and sleep study--all in preparation for surgery. Yes, I have sleep apnea. My insurance approved me and in two days I will be at the hospital having my surgery. I have been struggling through the Pre-Op diet and managed to lose 12 pounds with one more day to go. Liquid diet for the day before surgery and then surgery on Wednesday, November 6.
 
I can't believe I am having bariatric surgery in two days, it doesn't seem real to me! I tried other ways to lose this weight and nothing worked. So I have committed myself to this process and hope to God it works. Nothing else has worked and I got myself into this and I am the only one that can get me out of it. I
 
So, here's to a successful surgery and looking and feeling better in the future.

Hello Sleever Family!
 
Today I attended my paternal grandmothers funeral in Arkansas. While this was a sad occassion, you must know that my granny was 77 years old - married to my Papa for 60 years - had 6 boys and 1 girl - and 74 grand, great grand and great great grand children! Needless to say, most of the church was filled with family. We had a grand celebration of her life!
 
During the 4.5 hour drive, I sipped on juice, water, and protein shakes. And since I was sleeved a little over a week ago, I ensured that I stopped to stretch and move around at least every two hours....(during my preop class, the nurse told a story of a lady that died from blood clots because she took an 8 hour trip shortly after surgery and only stopped once).
 
Where does the cornbread dressing come in.....HONEY CHILD!!!! Now you all know that there is one thing that you simply cannot resist when you are at grandma's house! I went into the kitchen with my cousins and there it was....cornbread freaking dressing. I debated on whether or not to take a chance but I knew that grandma had my back. I took the serving spoon and scooped out a small portion into a paper cup. Those were the best four teaspoons I have had of food in a long time. I chewed and savored but was sure not to gulp and overdo it. Nothing happened because I was not hungry, I just had to taste that cornbread dressing that was made with love by my Aunt.
 
During the 4.5 hour drive back home to Texas, I sipped on juice, water, and protein shakes.....back to reality!
 
Until next time.....peace and blessings from my family to yours! Good night!

My Nut has me changing a few behaviors that she says will make things a bit easier post-op.  As I've worked to do these things I've noticed some things about myself I've been doing that have worked completely against me.  I didn't realize just how much the little things matter. 
Eating slower - my Mom used to make us chew 20 times before we swallowed.  Who knew that eating slower would also make me eat less?  As an adult of course I thought, okay I don't need to eat that slow now that my Mom is not sitting a the table watching me eat.  Well low and behold, I do need to eat that slow or else my lower calorie count would not sustain me.  3 months into this and I still have to remind myself to eat slower. I do find that after a while I just get tired of eating so I put the food up or avoid food just so it doesn't take me a hour to eat 300 calories. That's a whole other issue I'm overcoming.    Smaller bites - this goes hand-in-hand with eating slower.  I didn't realize just how much I cram into my mouth at one time.  I reallllllly struggle with this. I remember being so happy when I didn't have to cut up my kids' food so small as they got more teeth.  Who knew I'd end up having to cut up my own food so small?  I know this is necessary, but I have to admit i feel like a loser sometimes when I do this in front of people.Sipping - I come from a family of gulpers.  We can keep a waiter/ress on the run for drink refills.  I enjoy water and protein shakes and tea and coffee (decafe) and heck anything but beer and until recently wine.  This is by far the hardest part so far of my new eating style.  I averaged 80-100 oz of water alone daily.  Now I'm lucky if I hit my 80 oz. Sipping causes me to drink so much less water and I've all but cut out everything else to encourage getting my water in. It also never quite leaves my thirst quenched.  I'm always thirsty now.Strawlessness - probably not a word, but it sucks.  I love straws.  I used to go out and buy cute colorful and decorative ones.  I am having a hard time learning to overcome the thought of putting my mouth on a glass after someone has handed it to me.  YUCK!  Didn't realize I was so OCD about this until my Nut said no more straws.  The plus side is that it does encourage me to not drink while I eat or to drink at all while I'm out.No drinking when eating - I get thristy (see sipping above).  I like to drink while I eat.  Having to stop this has made me realize, I didn't need to drink when I ate.  Simply this is more of a culturally learned behavior. The only time I miss drinking when I eat is if I consume bread, sweets, or crackers.  All my no-nos so it is funny that when I purposely eat something I shouldn't it makes me thirsty.Drinking calories - I could live off of protein shakes, frappes, and iced coffee.  While protein shakes are good, all the other things I like to drink aren't so much. I am always on the go and for a while I sustained myself on Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks.  It wasn't until I truly started documenting EVERYTHING I consumed that I realized 1 of my fave drinks was almost all my daily calories.  Ouch! That hurt because I just knew saying skim, or lite was really helping...sike!  It was not doing a darn thing.  Lesson learned!VST is really helping me because at first I thought my Nut was being really strict.  The more I read the more I see that these are the exact behaviors I will need to maintain post-op.  I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories and helping me not get annoyed with my Nut to see the bigger picture. 

In years past this has been the night (okay one of the nights) I wished my kids would go to bed without incident.  Why?  So that their Dad and I could raid their candy!
 
Tonight this ritual will still take place, only without me.  I won't be able to participate because I am choosing not to cheat myself.  I'm still on Kaiser's 6-month pre-op eating plan.  Well not really a plan but more like proof that you can eat well for 6 consecutive months. 
 
So I've decided while my husband and cousins (oh yes, we will have company for the first time ever on Halloween) raid the kids' bags, I will try something else.  Yes, this took a lot of planning.  I went from frustrated, to sad, to angry (at myself for having to even refrain myself), to acceptance - - this is me and I have to learn to deal.
 
At first I thought I'd just go to bed early.  But come on, really, could I go to bed with my cousins over?  Then I thought I would make a shake...nah, I want something crunchy.  Oh well I guess I'll just sit and watch them have fun.  Then it hit me...get rid of the stupid all or nothing thinking. 
 
I want to participate but I know I can't afford to cheat.  Sure I could lose the 2 lbs. again that I've already lost but why even set myself up?  Rather, I'll have my own version of "candy" (a granola bar that fits into my plan) and then go walk my dog. 

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me.  I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following:
Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process.  I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work.  What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight?  I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term.  So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss.
    Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head.  This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern.
    Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight?  Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject?  I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to.
    Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes?  I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop?  Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping.
    Socializing -  I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events.  However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food.  How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight?  Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)?
    Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well.  My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out.  Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis.  What if this surgery feels like that?  Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children?  This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight.
    Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair.  The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice.  I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible.  I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge.
    What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point.  I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal.  I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal.  I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight.  What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone.  In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery.  That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me.

It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.
 

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.
 

Today I meet with my Nut.  It is part of my 6 month pre-surgery requirement from Kaiser.  I have a secret...
 
I really don't like meeting with my Nut.
 
Okay there I said it...My Nut and I were kind of thrown together.  I originally met with another Nut (A).  She was great.  Honest but firm and helpful.  She treated you like a partner and held you accountable. 
 
I had my first meeting with Nut A where she sat and helped me come up with a plan.  I then had my second meeting with her where we decided I would pursue surgery.  We tweaked my plan and she scheduled me for a third.  That's when the problem started.  She is just too darn popular.
 
Everyone (or at least most in my area) wants to work with her.  Again, she is great.  However, to meet with her you literally have to schedule 2-3 months out.  By the time of my 3rd appointment, she didn't have anything available for 2 months.
 
I didn't want to add even more months to my 6 month process so I agreed to meet with another Nut (.  Nut B is the exact opposite of A.  She makes you feel lousy no matter how well you do.  It is like she tries to not be happy.
 
At my last appointment I lost 5 lbs.  This was major for me. Not because I haven't lost weight before, but this time I didn't do anything crazy extreme.  I was proud that I stuck to the plan (from Nut A) and increased my exercise.  Her response? 
 
 
I'm going to pause here to let you know something - - that little lady almost caught big time attitude.  I think time stopped for about 30 minutes as my mind processed how to not show my tail in there.  I didn't get rude, rather I reminded her that I ALWAYS wear my walking shoes to each meeting because I come directly from work and have to take public transportation.
 
You see, she is simply not easy to work with.  In fact, at my last meeting with Nut B, she received a call that someone else (apparently this is common) is leaving her to work with Nut A.  Instead of being phased she proceeded to insult the guy - in front of me.  Wow! - - and these 2 examples are the "nicer" ones regarding my interactions with her.
 
My point for writing this...it is a challenge that I'm having to overcome.  Working with her is actually helping me to see that this really is for me...not her or anyone else...me.  It gives me perspective that not everyone cares that I am losing weight.  Not everyone cares that I stick to my plan.  Not everyone wants to hear my crap (good or bad) regarding this change in my lifestyle.
 
Sure, my Nut should want to be more of a partner with me but her job is to supervise my progress and provide correction to my plan when needed.  Her job is to ensure that I stick this through and meet Kaiser's requirements and not to be my friend.  Her stand-offish (is that even a word?) behavior helps me to keep my focus on doing this for me and not for someone else's approval. 
 
I stick with my Nut (such an appropriate name sometimes) because she does have a high success rate.  Very high, even though she is not the most liked.  Her people tend to be very independent and exceed their set goals.  So there is a method to her madness. 

Had a couple of victories this week and had a couple of slips too...
 
First the slips...I traveled for work this week for a couple of days and I used it as an excuse to eat terrible. I mean absolutely terrible. I ate cake, bread, cookie and drank wine even. Omg Ikr...And then I went and outdid myself and decided not to work out. Considering how bad I ate, I should have been running to that gym. Nope, I just peeped my head around the corner to see what equipment they had and left never to return to the gym over those couple days at the hotel.
 
Instead I went shopping and well, this is where the first of the victories came. I have wandered in Forever 21 stores for year admiring their clothes for both the trendiness and the price...but of course never been able to fit them...I would pretend I was shopping for someone else. Well this time around, I went in shopping for myself and I took 6 pieces into the fitting room and all but one of them fit. I only got 1 item (a size large dress) as it was the most distinctive and they other pieces I was more trying on for size to see if they fit as opposed to loving them...
 
That fueled me and I went to the next two stores lil girl cost conscious stores (Vanity and Rue 21). Bought me a size 11/12 jeans...did you hear me an 11/12...I was a solid size 18 (if not 20, I just wouldnt buy them) when I started this journey 2.5 months ago...And then there is this black dress that I bought in a size large as well...that I love love love. Okay did you get I loved it. I wore it out this weekend and I received so many compliments, I was overwhelmed. Now don't get me wrong, I thought I looked good before I left the house but I never expected to get such rave reviews. So fast forward today and I was going to the screening of a play a former co-worker directed so I threw on a sweater dress, leggings and shoe boots. I mean literally threw it on...showered, lotioned down and dressed in 20 minutes...Well, turns out the outfit really worked, at least I think so...See pic below.
 
And even bigger than a clothes size was the realization that I am finding myself, separate from what others think of me, mainly my ex boyfriend. A few weeks ago I blogged about my ex-boyfriend and his failure to acknowledge my weight loss...and how that bothered me because for so long I have wanted his affirmation. Anyways, he stopped over earlier in the week and as I was walking away from him, he said girl you losing weight...I can really tell...I was like you don't say. It only took 40lbs and 6 sizes. I continued on and said when I first started losing weight I wanted you to notice and you didnt...Well somewhere along the way I stopped caring because I know I am losing weight and looking damn good in the process...My feelings about me and how I look is no longer based on what he thinks of me but instead on what I know to be true of myself. I am loving the new me that this weight loss in revealing not only in how I look but just as importantly how much more emotionally healthy I am..
 
I am seeing the results of Pedro, the sleeve. I am so grateful this surgery was made possible. It has given me so much of my life back...
 
A lil behind in my blog entry so rather than logging my Friday's weight (192.8), I am logging today's weight.
 
HW 232 & SW 227 (VSG 08/17/12 & 5'8)
LW 193.6
CW 192.0 [Total Weight Loss 40lbs ]
GW 155

A year ago, I would look at people who are the size I am now and think, "Oh, what I would give to be that size!". I just knew I would be full of confidence and that my self esteem would be flying high again. But, now that I am where I was striving to be a year ago (not thin but no longer obese), I'm still not happy with my body. Is this becasue society has told us what is beautiful so many times that we start to believe it? Or, is it much more simpler than that. Is it just that I'm not happy with my body as a whole? Why am I minimizing my success in my head? I know I'm not sabotaging myself, but I also know that when I look in the mirror now, there are parts of my body that I dislike even more now that I've lost weight. Now, before everyone blows up at me, let me explain.
 
I am 110lbs smaller than I was a year ago and aroun90lbs smaller since surgery six months ago. I can look and feel my body and I KNOW it has made tons of positive changes. i also know that even though I mess up with my food intake some times, I have made huge strides in that area as well. For example, this time of year in the past I would have had bough four bags of candy just for my husband and I. To be honest, I ate 3 1/2 of those! Now, I've been very careful. If I do eat a mini bar, it's only one or two for the day and then no more for awhile. I've learned that apples and peanut butter can taste just as good as a Reese's Cup....well, not AS good....but close enough. Plus, the apple doesn't make me feel bad about eating it when I'm done. I also try to exercise when my back will allow. Another huge step.
 
As for my body changes, the pouch over my "lady parts" is so much smaller that when I'm using the bathroom, I marvel that I can see certain parts again. (Sorry if that's TMI). I can now see the numbers on the scale with out having to bend my body all cockeyed when I weigh myself. My arms feel like little girls arms to me when I fold them across my chest and the best part is the way I fit into the area under my husband's arm when he puts it around me. For the first time, his arm goes all around me and can even go down part of my arm. For the first time ever, i feel like I can be that comforted woman in the arms of the man she loves. But, with all the good comes the bad. My boobs continue to try to make their way to the floor. If they continue on their trip, they will be there in a few months and I can turn them into cleaning tools as I walk around the kitchen floor!!! Also, they are much smaller, and I have to admit, I REALLY miss them. (If you read my blog lots, you can see that I say this all the time...I have always had a close relationship to my boobs!!! LOL). The skin under my lady parts and between my thighs continues to look like a bull dog's jowls. My tummy is now wrinkled and I can fold areas of skin and fat over on it. My arms have wings and to really just shock me, I noticed today that my face skin is hanging a little too. I swear, I know it's Halloween, but I do not have any desire to look like a walking melting wax figure!!!!!
 
So, I did what I do and asked myself, "Which would you prefer? Who you were six months ago or who you are now?" No question, hands down, The PERSON I AM NOW!!!!. So what's the problem you may ask? It's simple. I've been overweight my whole life and I always thought that if I lost weight I would have a killer body. But, becasue of my age and the length of time I've been fat (not to mention the inability to exercise the way I would like), my body didn't get my brain's memo and can't just fall back into place.....right now, it can only "fall". Because of this, it adds some negative thoughts in my head about how I look. Now, I know only I and my husband can see my body....and I'm lucky that he loves it the way it is.....but every person I know wants that tight, chest up, butt up, tones arm look!! But for now, I will have to rely on Spanks and the right clothes to hide all these changes....and trust me, I don't mind one bit.

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.
 

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.