senickisncis

Forgot to mention in my last blog post that I got a new haircut. Here is a picture of all the sides. Note my skinner face
 
Now I need to do something about the skin damage I have due to too much time in the sun (too many brown spots!).

So i saw my nutritionist on monday and the more i think about what she said the more irked i get. I'm not mad at her but she's all thin and been doing the right things forever. What stands out is that she said that going from 1800 calories is more mental than actual calories isn't it? yeah no...no it isn't. She doesn't get that I'd like a hamburger and can have a hamburger on 1800 calories but a portion of a hamburger will simply not fill me up on a 1500 calorie diet. hence i really did have to make more than a mental change. I mean the whole problem I have is that i'm hungry and am never full.
after the nutritionist, i saw the nurse. she proceeded to tell me that now that i've been on this diet 3 months i couldn't eat like i did before if i tried and i sat there thinking.. WANNA BET?
 
then the doctor, not the one who's doing surgery but someone they want me to see over the 6 month program, he tells me that i need to break the relationship that my mom and i have over food. her issue w/ this weightloss surgery is only important to her in so far as it doesn't kill me. That's it. So maybe I do and I'm too blind to see it but I guess I'm just not at this point.
 
overall i am pleased w/ my progress. 20lbs down in about 3 months of dieting. so yeah...the whole thing was weird.
I binged the day after the nutritionist. I don't know if I'd call it a binge. but it was everything i would have eaten on a given day that I was not on a diet. 2 cups of pasta and a great slice of cheesecake.i was screwing around w/ a single pound for a week and i was frustrated and i really did just want to feel full and satisfied again. I miss it. Even so. I lost a pound the next day even though I was 1000 calories over my limit.
 
Today was hard but I did keep myself on track and worked out and counted my calories and I'm on target. So onward and upward

So the treadmill test was the test I was most worried about because I'm seriously not a runner at all. I had my test today so I thought I'd share how it went and what happens to maybe allay some fears. I think the not knowing is half the problem.
 
So I scheduled first thing in the morning, I recommend this so you're not waiting for the people who came in before you to get done. The wait doesn't help my anxiety level. I walked right in to the reception and within 5 minutes I was talking to my technician. Originally, I was crabby because it was a guy and I'm already self conscious. He was great though in spite of telling me that I have short legs and that would make it harder to walk quickly on the treadmill. We talked about the hospital and what I like (the people) and what I hate (their central scheduling/epic software/etc). I was told to wear a baggy shirt and some pants you can really walk in. I was also told not to eat the morning (or 6 hours before the procedure). He lifted my shirt (i still had my bra on), swabbed the places he was going to put the adhesive things that would hold the ekg wires to my body (my first roll and just below my bra) to give a good reading as I laid down on the gurney. They were sticky (obviously) but when they came off they didn't hurt like...oh say duct tape. So between the banter he's telling me about the process. I get my blood pressure taken (which was high for me but not high).
 
So here's the deal, after you're all wired up they put a belt (this belt fits don't worry about it not fitting) on you so that the wires and such don't pull off when you're walking. The blood pressure cuff stays on pretty much throughout and they periodically test your blood pressure throughout. They did not use the automatic one, I'm pleased w/ this because I honestly never have a good reading from those things. It's either really high or no blood pressure at all. So you get off the gurney and on the treadmill, mine didn't have sides, it had a bar you have to hang on to. The overall program is that it steps up both the incline and the speed until your heart reaches it's target rate. In my case, I'm 30 and it's 180 i think (don't quote me). You get on, the treadmill goes immediately to 10% incline and 1.7mph. I think every 2 minutes or so it raises the speed and I think the incline. This isn't some slight increase in speed It goes from 1.7 to 3.2 to 3.7 to 4.2, if your tech is paying attention he might just warn you which helps tremendously, I ended up at a 14% incline. The test goes on as long as you feel you can tolerate or reach the heart rate they want you to reach. The tech said usually people last between 5-8 minutes. I'm not sure if he was saying that to make me feel better but I did make it to 8 minutes. I told him straight out that I can walk up but not fast.
 
The cardiologist came in when I was about to start the test and watch my ekg. He blabbed about his sons gym class and after I got to 3.2 i was not sharing in any conversation because I was huffing and puffing. It's fine though I think the atmosphere left me feeling like i wasn't being watched to fail and "look at the fat girl try to move...." Overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I was worn out but the doctor said he felt that I could probably have gone on longer. I didn't argue it but I seriously, I couldn't have done 4.2 mph, that's closer to running. It's just so uncomfortable to try moving my body that fast. The doctor said he felt I was very healthy and because I've been walking 3 days a week it has helped me keep my heart healthy. All done.
 
 
Within 30 minutes I was out the door and on my way.

Week 31 and 32
 
Last week’s weight – 193.6
This week’s weight – 191.8
Total weight lost this week – 1.8
 
Beginning weight – 246 lbs
Total weight loss since surgery – 54.2 lbs
 
Sorry for the failure to post last week. My weight stayed the same from week 30 to week 31 (193.6) but dropped in week 32 by 1.8 lbs.
 
I got my period in week 31 and had a major Halloween candy binge (for me… with the sleeve…which was nothing compared to my pre-sleeve Halloween candy binges. Thank. God.).
 
I am a little sick (cold like symptoms) this week but I have stuck to my Crossfit gym routine. I have to say when I stepped on the scale this morning I almost fainted from shock. I was expecting to see more of the same (bouncing between 193 and 195 which I have been doing lately). So seeing 191 on the scale was super exciting. That means I am pretty close to the 180’s. Yay! My goal is 150 (with a fantasy goal of 145).
 
I went to an evening session of Crossfit (I am normally a morning girl) and someone I met when I first joined 2 months ago was impressed by my weight loss since I joined. I haven’t loss that much since I joined Crossfit but I think I must look “toner”. That was a nice compliment to get. It made my evening.
 
Basically I am still trucking along. It is easier to stay on track when I am busy and not as easy to stay on track when I am off schedule (we had a week off for fall break that messed up my eating habits a bit…as in I was eating more).
 
I ran into someone from my husband’s work at the voting poll and she said that my husband had said I had lost a lot of weight….since he never brings it up at home I was surprised he had said anything. He is a great guy who will love me at any size but it is nice to hear that he has been noticing.

What a day! Finished writing my main paper for my Nursing ethics & legal issues class, went shopping for something to wear to a baby baptism scheduled tomorrow, and cleaned/changed water in my 90 gallon saltwater fish tank.
 
Any 1 of those 3 would have killed me just a few days ago!
 
Good news! Tried on dress slacks at Kohl's and ended up getting a size 18W, I could get the 16's on but they were a little snug(I only tried them for fun-didn't expect to be able to even button them-but I did!), but the 18's were a far cry from the 22's I've been wearing!! It is so nice to finally enjoy some of the good parts of this surgery!
 
The cleaning of the 90 gallon tank took several hours, and I was even able to lift the 5 gallon buckets of water with little effort. I have been looking at my poor fishies for 5 weeks just aching to clean up their home! It looks so nice now. I know I must've burned a few hundred calories on this project!
 
As an update on the doc thing...I am going to go to my appointment on Wednesday, so I can get a note to go back to work, and depending on the attitudes I encounter I will decide whether to search further for another office.
 
Best wishes to all my fellow sleevers!

Yesterday was Friday, I called the surgeon's office as he had requested to give an update on my abdominal pain. Of course I had to go through his nurse, ok, fine, well she puts me on hold then comes back and says doctor would be happy to call in a refill for Vicodin for me. I start to lose my patience and tell her I never finished the first prescription of Vicodin, I hate the way it makes me feel, I cannot function, I just pass out and then wake up in more pain! So, finally she puts the good doctor on the phone. He says, "Yes?", I relay, again, that I have not gotten any relief with the Celebrex, and I now I am having pain when I am NOT moving, and my heart feels like it is racing. I ask if he could order an MRI on my chest and abdomen to rule out any other complications such as herniation/abscess/microscopic leak/muscle tear/or whatever. He firmly states "You do not have a leak, a bleed, or an abscess. Your pain is musculo-skeletal. An MRI will show nothing that the CT did not already show. I have nothing more to offer you". Really? Wow. Wow. I thank him (don't know why) and hang up.
I know I was going out on a limb, but I called a chiropractor in town who specializes in neurological pain and "failed surgeries". He got me in within a couple hours. He sat at his desk, looking at my papers that I had completed regarding my history and my symptoms. He shook his head and said there was nothing he could do for me. But he did recommend I get a second opinion from a bariatric surgeon, if I could find someone who would see me. He confirmed that something is not right, and he believes it is a nerve that is damaged or injured as my pain is described as being a sharp stabbing pain. So I leave.
Today, Saturday, I have devised Plan B, tentatively. There is a bariatric surgeon in town, although he just started doing the sleeve, he has a lot of experience with RNY and bands. I will attempt to make an appointment on Monday and see what he thinks. It's a place to start. He is the surgeon that did my gallbladder surgery about 10years ago, I was very pleased with his work back then, he's a reputable doc, and I think as I'm a previous patient he will see me. So the saga continues.....and the pain...

My appointment was not until Nov 7, but I called the surgeon's office yesterday to ask if I could go to my chiropractor for assessment of my continued pain. Initially the nurse said, "sure", but then she asked if the pain I was talking about was related to my surgery, I told her, "of course". She then put me on hold and came back and asked if I could come in at 1:30. So I did, and the surgeon looked genuinely concerned, which was new. He palpated my abdomen, and this time found the VERY SORE spot. He then asked me to sit up, which I could not, without slowly turning to my side and using my arms to push me up. He tried to help me and made it worse, then I cursed, and cried. He said, "this must be musculo-skeletal since it is with movement". He ordered more labs to make sure my liver and pancreas weren't getting worse, and he ordered Celebrex for the pain. He asked me to call in on Friday and give him an update.
I was very hopeful that the new meds would help. It is now 24 hours later, and my pain is not better, maybe even worse. I am really fearful of how long this pain will be with me. Now I'm wondering about an abscess, maybe a hernia, oh hell, I don't know...;-(

So after a long drawn out process the crap band is finally coming out!!!
I had my upper GI and dr said everything looked good. Band looked like it was in a "slightly different" place but that shouldn't cause any issues.
I then was still having the nausea, and problems eating, vomitting etc....they finally gave in and did the EGD. The printout that I got afterwards talked about possible Barretts esophagus. They took 4 biopsies and it was a week from hell waiting for answers. The more I googled the barretts the more stressed out I got. In the end it was NEGATIVE...thank God! It turned out to be esophagitis. I then met with dr and she said soooo what are you wanting to do?? my reply TAKE IT OUT!!! duh!!! same thing ive wanted for months now!! I asked if the esophagitis was a possible reason for the inconsistancy inthe band and why I can eat better some days and not so well others....her reply "not necessarily"...hmmm Honestly, I still believe that my doctors think I am nuts. If I have to hear one more lecture about "using my tool correctly" Im going to freak!!! Do they not see that my "tool" worked great for 2 years....and then issues arose. Need I remind them that I was comfortable with 7ccs in my band and at this point can't get past 4.5 or 5ccs without issues. Not to mention I am 100% unfilled right now and have vomitted and had days where things were too tight! In my opinion that "slightly different placement" of the band may be the key! I am not a doctor but thats my thoughts.
so I left my appt with no dates info etc. emailed two days later to see what the plan was and got a phone call saying insurance approved it and Im sched for nov 20. They wont discuss the sleeve until 6mths out. In that time my cobra will expire!!! I have been researching Dr Garcia in MX and now I am trying to weigh my options. If I go to him for both procedures, there is a possibility both procedures can be performed at the same time. Of course if not then I would be better off just doing the lap band removal in US and waiting to heal. Its a tough choice!!!! Another thing that I have to consider is my hubby and I are going on our first cruise and honeymoon in march (after 14yrs of marriage) and if I go to MX there will be about 7weeks between surgery and cruise. I am not concerned with not being able to pig out on the cruise, but I am concerned that I will be on a somewhat "normal" diet and healed fully enough to enjoy our vacay.
I am just glad to be getting it out!!! I am up to my presurgery weight and I pray I do not gain anymore!!!!

Ok, lemme 'splain what your looking at here: The brown thing is my shirt. The denim color is my pants and the white thing is my TRAY TABLE ALL THE WAY DOWN with a couple inches to spare!! The blue tabbie looking thing is MY SEATBELT, not only fastened without an extender, but a few inches pulled out. Then just to be a smart@$$, I went and used the airplane bathroom JUST because I could!! HAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! I love it. Oh, what 98 lbs can do for a person!! Love it. Don't give up, people!!!
 
 

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY........ :/ )

46 Days. Yes I have a countdown timer on my phone and my iPad. I need to know exactly how many days I have to procrastinate getting anything done in time for surgery.
 
I can think of NOTHING else right now. Everything revolves around Dec 21st. I've given myself a couple of projects to keep me occupied so I am not sitting at home staring at 4 walls, willing time to move forward. Lots of boards to read and things I need to get and lists to make.
 
I am practicing the liquid diet right now. I need to ease into these things so yesterday and today I am liquid. Next week I will do three days and the following four days etc. I start the liquid diet on Dec 101, I believe. Plenty of time to ramp down. I would actually like to hit the table in the 230's. I am not required to lose any weight but I would just feel more comfy on the plane if I dropped a little bit.

via Youtube... 
 
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Countdown Clock 48 days to surgery.
 
Went on a bit of a shopping spree yesterday, so a few packages are going to be coming to me in the next week or so. My Clarisonic Mia has shipped and should arrive in about 5 days.
 
I also ordered some wild growth hair oil, which was recommended by a friend that I call my hair guru. She's really just a product junkie that keeps her finger on the pulse of black hair care. She recommended this stuff for my edges. I'm also hoping to get some thickness back in my hair. Once I have the surgery, I am guaranteed to lose hair so I want to thicken it up a little bit before then. I used to have a lot of hair, but it has really thinned out in recent years.
 
I ordered a new coat from Target. It'll be the last plus sized coat I buy. It's tight in the arms but I am keeping it because soon I hope to be swimming in it. It'll be a nice gauge to me for weight loss. When that coat is too big I will rejoice.
 
I also have some vitamins and biotin on the way. Going to start getting in the habit of taking them now.
 
I went to the gas station yesterday and because I was hungry I let myself buy some junk, so that's all I had for dinner last night. And I have more of it today. What I SHOULD do is throw it away and go to the store and get some protein, some sugar free jello and some water. Maybe later on...... I DO want to start ramping down the junk, because I have 38 days before I will be on a liquid diet before surgery.
 
Yesterday I went to lunch with a coworker and ended up telling her about the surgery. She and I work closely together so there is no way she won't notice. I will also tell my boss, but I believe that's about it, from work. Eventually everyone will know but I want to keep my plans to have the procedure under wraps right now. Anyway, we were talking about how great the new year is going to be with a whole new me. "Can you imagine," I said. "I could be down by 50 pounds by my birthday at the end of March. That would put me under 200 pounds. I haven't been under 200 pounds since college. That's CRAZY!"
 
I'm ready for some crazy.

In years past this has been the night (okay one of the nights) I wished my kids would go to bed without incident.  Why?  So that their Dad and I could raid their candy!
 
Tonight this ritual will still take place, only without me.  I won't be able to participate because I am choosing not to cheat myself.  I'm still on Kaiser's 6-month pre-op eating plan.  Well not really a plan but more like proof that you can eat well for 6 consecutive months. 
 
So I've decided while my husband and cousins (oh yes, we will have company for the first time ever on Halloween) raid the kids' bags, I will try something else.  Yes, this took a lot of planning.  I went from frustrated, to sad, to angry (at myself for having to even refrain myself), to acceptance - - this is me and I have to learn to deal.
 
At first I thought I'd just go to bed early.  But come on, really, could I go to bed with my cousins over?  Then I thought I would make a shake...nah, I want something crunchy.  Oh well I guess I'll just sit and watch them have fun.  Then it hit me...get rid of the stupid all or nothing thinking. 
 
I want to participate but I know I can't afford to cheat.  Sure I could lose the 2 lbs. again that I've already lost but why even set myself up?  Rather, I'll have my own version of "candy" (a granola bar that fits into my plan) and then go walk my dog. 

So I've been thinking a lot about the aspects of the sleeve that scare me.  I'm pretty good at letting my imagination run wild so I've come up with the following:
Loose skin - yes, I'll admit I want to look darn good after going through such a drastic weightloss process.  I see that as a sort of reward for all the hard work.  What if I look worse with loose skin than I look now with the weight?  I love my curves and being tall I've been told I carry them well, but I know they are conspiring against me long term.  So I have to lose weight to stay healthy but man would I like to have a nice firm look post-weight loss.
    Big head - okay this is sort of comical but yes, I don't want my already big "apple-ish" head to look like a bobble head.  This is one of those things that logically seems stupid but in my mind seems like a real concern.
    Questions - what happens when someone I haven't seen in years sees me and asks how I lost the weight?  Will I tell them about my surgery, tell them I changed my diet and started exercising, heck change the subject?  I wonder about that but guess this is one of those in the moment decisions based on who I'm talking to.
    Shopping - will I go overboard now that I can afford cheaper clothes?  I am already the shop until I drop type...what happens when it takes me longer to drop?  Will I go overboard and thus broke? I'm sure my hubby won't let that happen, but still I wonder if I'll be one of those people who trade an addiction to food in for an addiction to shopping.
    Socializing -  I have a few friends who have struggled with their weight and thus we tend to have "active" social events.  However, more of my friends live to eat and our events ALWAYS involve food.  How will I handle these events as I'm working hard to lose the weight?  Will I have to not attend or always show up early/late (way before/after the meal)?
    Pain/complications/death - let me be frank...I am a pure punk don't handle pain well.  My c-section took forever to heal and even 3 years after I still had pain when attempting to work out.  Thus, I stopped really working out on a regular basis.  What if this surgery feels like that?  Or worse, what if I have the same limited mobility for months after this surgery that I had after my c-section and can't work out like my doctor wants? Or even worse, what if I do this and it takes me from my husband and children?  This especially concerns me because I don't have any health problems other than the extra weight.
    Going bald - (see big head above) I have very fine hair.  The thought of my scalp showing is well "not hot" in my Tamar Braxton voice.  I am of the mindset that hair grows back, but I would also like to keep my hair if possible.  I go through great pains to make my hair look full and thick now, so with even less...well, that would be a real challenge.
    What if all this doesn't work/last - I'm sure everyone has thought this at some point.  I worry that I may be the only person in history for which this doesn't accomplish my goal.  I have about 200 lbs to lose and I worry that I just won't make it to goal.  I understand the goal is to be healthier but right now I have no health problems other than the extra weight.  What if my goal of getting to onederland just doesn't happen?I realize when I look at my list that I have read in the forums at least one topic on each (maybe not the big head fear) of these and it feels good not to be alone.  In reading one post a Sleeve Veteran said (paraphrasing here) that it is normal to wonder and fear the unknown about this surgery.  That makes me feel better about taking this seriously and also lets me know I am committed enough to not let the not-so-glamorous parts of this surgery deter me.

It feels good to get these fears out in the open and to laugh at how silly some of these sound.
 

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality.  I've been this way for pretty much my entire life.  The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to.
 
I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too.  The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help.  For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off.
 
For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help.  Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight.  How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day.  I'll be one of them.  I won't take the easy way out (WLS).
 
So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well.  Did I mention I'm also a high achiever?  If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them.  It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance.  I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost.
 
Finally, I thought okay this is it.  Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist.  I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life.  Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life?  I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time???
 
But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured.  So she and I came up with a menu.  Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks.  Why?  I didn't want to eat anything wrong.  So at my next apt she had me weigh in.  Great, surely I would have lost something.  Lord please let me have lost something.
 
I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained.  Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight.  Talk about a bummer.  Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me.
 
I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help.  That moment was major for me.  I'm not used to needing asking for help.  That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud.
 
My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me.  Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it?  By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman.  How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). 
 
She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet.  I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it.  I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets.  She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode.  I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals.
 
Clever!  She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that.  I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought.  It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision.
 
There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off.  But I'm dealing with that.  I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help.  That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise.
 
This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude.  I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process.  That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.
 

HAS ANYONE GONE THROUGH THE MIND GAME BEFORE SURGERY WHAT IF THIS AND WHAT THAT WORRIED IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND IF THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN I KNOW GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.... THE DEVIL HAS ALL KIND OF MIND TRICKS I HATE HIM SO MUCH (THE DEVIL THAT IS)

I had my appointment today and dr said according to the Upper GI the band looks good. Too bad it doesn't feel so great to me!!
I am still having the nausea, though not as horrible as before....still have the weird pain on the left side. She asked me "so are you pretty much done with the band?" My response was YES! She asked if I wanted all the fluid removed today...I said NO, it's not too restricted right now, I have been much tighter before. I obviously don't want to remove it all and wait for them "to build their case for insurance"! Honestly, what's a little more vomitting here and there for another month??!! I once again explained that I know my water retention plays a huge roll in the restriction and inconsistancies. If I don't take my HCTZ until later on in the day, I can forget about trying to eat a "normal" meal (normal according to band) I don't think she believes me on this one!! Like I stated before, I really think this dr thinks that I am just telling her these things because I want the sleeve, which is far from the case. I really like this doc but when I feel like she's not taking me seriously it really pisses me off!
So the "plan of action" if you can call it that is for me to meet with a dietician (that right there tells me she thinks the weight gain is my fault) which she is right to a point, because any bandster who has struggled with being too tight knows you find what works and eat that! It's not my fault raw veggies, fruits, & Salad dont work for me! After meeting with the dietician I will then meet with dr.
I did ask what exactly medically necessary mean and her response was that they need something concrete that the band isn't working.
it just blows my mind that constantly vomitting and nausea etc isn't concrete enough. Not to mention previous slips and dilations that weren't diagnosed by xray.
I understand they are helping me by building a case and I spose' they know more about insurance than I do but it would be nice if the dr would say I AGREE with you, you should get the sleeve, but she doesn't seem to be on my side on this one! sooooo frustrating!

I have been feeling very depressed lately and can feel myself slipping back into my old behaviors, not eating related. It's more to do with anxiety and avoiding people. Since I was younger I have always had issues with social anxiety. As I gained weight the anxiety worsened. I didnt want to be around people,I avoided my kids school functions for fear of embarrassing them and myself, I really became a hermit. After I had the lapband and had lost some weight I noticed the anxieties lessend. I think I had a confidence in myself that I never really had before. I felt good!! I went out and enjoyed life, took my first airplane trip to Vegas, attended so many events I would have never in the past.
Now that I have gained the weight back I am back to that old person who I hated. I avoid events as much as I can and stick with my small circle of friends.I don't like to go out with the hubby for fear that we will run into his work friends and he will have to introduce me to them. One thing I make sure of is to avoid anyone I havent seen in awhile. I don't want them to see that I have gained the weight back. Last weekend I went to a BBQ and as my hubby and I were getting out of the car i heard my cousin say "is that cadezma" (obviously using my screen name here). Just the tone in his voice was like OMG she's huge again!!! I had that instant feeling of being punched in the stomach. I wanted to get back in the car and drive away, but of course I put my fake smile on and stuck it out.
I absoulutely regret the lapband and want it out, more so I regret losing the weight with it. I look at it as a tease of what life can really be like. Maybe I should use it to motivate me to get to that point but if I could do it on my own I would have never had to get the lapband.
I am not usually an emotional person but I am an emotional mess these days!!
 
As far as the dr appts go.... I demanded an Upper GI and endoscope. I had the upper GI last monday and the dr who did it said everything looked good.(he told my friend the same thing and when she seen the LB Dr that same afternoon, she was told she had a slip and dialation!!) I told my friend they probably got the charts mixed up and they were looking at mine, since her GI was just a check and she was having no symptoms. :P I don't see my dr until this week and havent heard nothing more from them, so I assume that things are good. I still want to have the endoscope done. I need to be sure there is no erosion etc. I am still having the nausea and things just don't feel right to me! Hopefully we can just get the process going on the sleeve!!!

Someday I am going to have a positive entry...lol
I have been having nausea for 2 weeks now, the past couple days has been 24/7. I also have this horrible taste in my mouth...YUCK!
So I called my LB dr (nurse) and she tells me she's pretty sure it's a gastric bug that has been going around, prescribes zofran and tells me to call back in a week if I am still feeling this way or if I vomit. After taking the zofran, no relief! The only thing I got from that was a big ol' headache. I call my family dr (nurse) and tell her what's going on and that I am kind of looking for a second opinion. She states that it probably is a bug and if it's anything lapband related they would just refer me back to the LB Dr because they don't mess with that! This is frustrating to me. My family doctor could do blood work, order xrays and what not....correct??? SO because I have a lapband I can't see him for anything stomach related??
All I know is I have four kids and a job and I cannot continue to function feeling like a big pile of pooooo!!!
anyone that ive talked to said to demand some tests, but how when I can't get past the nurse. I know it's thier job to be the go between but I feel like they are blocking me. just very sick...n frustrated!

Sometimes I wonder is it me?? Have I failed this band or is it failing me??Maybe its 50/50. I can admit that excercise has slowed for me, which tends to happen when you pack the lbs back on....it's hard to get back into that routine. I can admit to eating the wrong foods at times (slider foods), but in reality most fruits and veggies didnt work for me when I had decent restriction. Also at restriction I am usually not able to eat until about noon, so skipping breakfast left me overly hungry and I'm sure my body didn't appreciate going so long between meals. Sometimes I would try a protein shake in the am, but it too would take awhile to get it down, due to the restriciton in the morning.
One issues after having the lapband is the constant thoughts of food. Not so much eating food, but the constant thinking about food situations. For example if we were going to be going out for dinner I would be thinking about what food I could eat. I usually look at an online menu before we go just so I can scope out something that usually would work. The constant worry about what is going to work and what is not going to work, possibility of vomitting, and the chance I might get stuck and not be able to get to the restroom in time. Any family get together, birthday party, celebration was always a struggle. Not only do you feel as if people are watching what you put on your plate, but I felt they were more inclined to watch me eat. I spose' it's curiosity to see just how much a WLS patient can eat, but it made me self conscious and stressed me out....which is yet another issue I've found with the band. I have noticed that when I am stressed out, things are much tighter and it is harder to eat. Being the mother of 4 boys, life is pretty stressfull so this too was a struggle. I found myself leaving the supper table to eat in private so that no one could bother me and I could just focus on eating/chewing.
One of the biggest issues has been that a certain food may be a "safe" food one day, but the next it is a no go! It's very frustrating to have a WLS and then have your world revolve around food. I think about food much more than i ever did. Ironic isn't it??!!

So my sister in law is in town. Why is that important?? Because it's time for our annual tradition of pedi/pie day!!! Uh oh....how can I do this? I've had WLS and I cannot engage in such activities!! Awwwww bullpucky! Well, there is a place here in Albuquerque called Flying Star, and they have the best desserts for miles and miles around! Especially the Rio Grande Mud Pie, which is what started our pedi/pie day adventures in the first place.
 
I did not know how this would go since I'm not supposed to be eating these naughty bits of things in the first, second and third place! So here's what I decided: I conserved my intake to limited high protein items for the morning and only ate what i needed to stay standing upright. Then after our pedi, we went to Flying Star and I ordered carrot cake and coffee. MMMMMMM!!! So I take my huge slab of flour, sugar and fat to the table and cut off about an inch and a half of the pointed end and ate that, and boxed up the rest for my kids. I was TOTally satisfied with- ohhhhh-- approximately 2 oz of carrot cake. I actually FELT like I ate the whole thing because my system is SO not used to that anymore!
 
(I knew I was full when, on my way to the bathroom, I saw a poster with a picture of a huge burger and a shake and it said "purchase any burger and get a shake for $3.00," and I almost yakked right there!! Oh, the thought of eating that burger and shake was horrible!! I'm sure it came with fries or something too. People really eat that much??? Oh ya--I used to!)
 
Well, the good new is- I logged it ALL on MFP (dooter69-go witness for yourself;) AND I still had 400 calories (half of my intake) left for dinner and an evening snack! (always cottage cheese and fruit).
 
So...It just goes to show you- that you CAN have your cake and eat it too!! (Just don't eat the whole thing, and be sure to keep track of it, and don't do it to often, and...and...and.....)
 
Good day.....goooooood day....

I bought a pair of 20's on a whim today and thought I'd just keep them in reserve and try them on every now and then for encouragement. Well...I WAS ENCOURAGED!!! They fit!!! I could NOT believe what I was seeing. My mind still sees 349 pounds, not 285. I'm pretty sure my wedding dress was a 20. I'm going to pull it out soon to see if it fits again. I might wait 10 more pounds for that though....
 
Wow. I'm still in stunned disbelief!! This is......just....I I I I I...don't have words. I'm giddy!!!
:lol:

Well, the day has finally come that I have to give up my "GOOD" scale. It is the one that has always told me that I am anywhere from 5 to 10 pounds less than EVERY other scale in the world, rendering all other scales garbage. The doctor, the gym, the surgeon...all of their scales are junk. They're broken. Poo poo. Until now. My good scale is a manual dial type scale, that now only registers 5 or 10 pound losses. I can't hang with that. I need to know the daily ounces of my loss or bounce. (I know, I know. I said I'd never do that, but I don't get all freaked out over it anymore.)
 
So....my new, evil Weight Watchers brand scale from Costco says I weigh 287!!! Just like all of those OTHER stupid scales! Nowhere to run- nowhere to hide. This means... {GULP} That I did NOT start at 340, but at....349!! AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I know, I know...in the grand scheme of things, what's 9 pounds? I've still lost 62 no matter how you cut it. It's just that my starting weight and current weight are, well...shifted up a bit. It's almost like I'm not really who I thought I was!! (insert dramatic music here) HAHAHA Ok, I'm being dramatic for effect, but you get my drift. (BIG SIGH HERE;)
 
Anyway- if anyone has paid any attention to my stats (which a couple of you have mentioned that you have) that's why the change in numbers. I'm finally being forced to face reality. WAAAAHHHH!!!!

Love and respect yourself NOW and live your life and have fun TODAY! Don't "wait until you're thinner." GO..... NOW!
 
 
 
"GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE!" --Freddie