dadici

I wasn't a particularly heavy child. Which is funny for me to realize, because I remember always thinking of myself as plump. The very first time I remember being aware of weight and body shape I was 6. I was friends with a very slim girl named Lisa, who had straight stick legs. Even at 6 my legs had a bit of shape to them, and some stray comment made me aware of this difference, in a negative way.
 
I went on with my childhood, being relatively unselfconcious about anything to do with my size until about 5th grade (age 11) which is when I started to develop. By this time I was definitely one of the thicker girls - not really anything you could even call pudgy, but there was definitely more of me then some of the slight little things in my classroom. And that's when I started having the self-defeating thoughts that would eventually lead me to be 300lb.
 
I remember very clearly being 12 and walking to the freezer for a second popcicle and pausing to think "hey, you just had a popcicle, do you really need another one?" and then immediately, like an evil pixie sat in my brain thinking "you're already fat, there's no point - why not just have the stupid treat". And from that moment on it was like a switch had been thrown. I didn't eat to try to gain weight, but what was the point in trying to moderate myself, I was clearly destined to be fat - so I might as well enjoy the journey. So I didn't. I weighed 200lb by graduation, and 220 by the time I got married right after college. 270 by the time I had my baby at 26. And then I was good, I didn't gain weight for close to 5 years. I didn't loose either, but hey - who's counting?
 
But something else changed. I had always thought I was ok with my size. I mean, I would prefer to be thin but why be upset about things you can't change right? But slowly I realized all the ways my weight limited me. Slowly I realized how embarrassed I really was by my size. Slowly I realized all the little things I had compromised on, so that noone would ever point out to me my size. Things like never admitting I liked a boy in school, because why would I dare to think someone might find me attractive? Or not taking care with my clothes/makeup because what was the point in looking like you tried when you were just going to be fat in the end? There are other examples, but those are the clearest. These weren't things I did, or realized I did, they were just who I was and it really started to bother me. I needed to make a change, but how?